Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Proposed New York City subway elevators are feared by some as a terrorism risk. Although not as much as Jay-Z who still has to have security check any elevator he wants to take to make sure Solange isn’t inside.

A pit bull alerted its home owner of a gas leak in their New York house. It is the one time that it was actually OK to blame gas on the dog.

Don Imus says he will retire from his radio show in March. People were surprised at the news. Don Imus is still alive?

Facebook says it can’t guarantee social media is good for the democracy. Mostly because it can’t be good for a nation to have an uninformed electorate that has been dumbed down from watching cat videos all day.

A report says trust in social media has fallen to a record low. Mostly because it is hard to trust a medium that is mostly being used to meet people to have affairs, humblebrag to friends and see what everyone else is eating for breakfast.

A report says trust in social media has fallen to a record low. Which is tough to find out all those people may actually be lying about what they ate for breakfast.

A study says teens who spend large amounts of screen time are less happy than those who prefer “real world” activities. Which is good news for all three of those teens who have actually read a book or ever ventured out past the front door.

A study says teens who spend large amounts of screen time are less happy than those who prefer “real world” activities. “Real world” meaning kids who have actual friends that are not preceded by the word “Facebook.”

A study says women family members tend to be the most difficult. At least for the men who are tired of them always asking them to quit drinking, get a job and help with the housework.

A study says women family members tend to be the most difficult. Which also shows that most research teams are made up of middle age, single men.

Canada is expanding its use of beet juice instead of de-icing salt because it is more efficient but less toxic and corrosive. Plus the fact that there is not one Canadian alive who has ever actually eaten a beet.

China is taking on hip-hop, saying its “low-taste content” must stop. If that attitude prevailed in the U.S. it would pretty much mean the end of all TV, radio and movies.

A study says 82% of all global wealth generated last year went to 1% of the people. Which means those people are spending their time trying to figure out how to get that other 18%.

A study says 82% of all global wealth generated last year went to 1% of the people. Which shows that Jeff Bezos’ business model of people spending all their money on cheap crap from Amazon is finally working.

Mike Pence is defending Donald Trump’s remarks on African immigrants that they are from “s--thole countries.” He says that’s nothing compared to what Trump says about Middle Easterners, Asians and Hispanics.

 Several Yale fraternities have postponed recruiting events amid a push for the organizations to allow women and men. Although Yale women aren’t given enough credit to allow they are probably too smart to ever want to join a fraternity.

Beijing will host the 2022 Winter Olympics. Those will be the ones that instead of five rings on the medals will have Pokemon Go characters as a concession to the six year old workers who will be making them.

Beijing will host the 2022 Winter Olympics. The U.S. Olympic ski team has been preparing in advance by practicing downhills during the California wildfires to get used to the Chinese air quality conditions.

Bud is no longer one of the top three favorite American beers, behind Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite. People were surprised. Coors Light is considered beer?

Bud is no longer one of the top three favorite American beers, behind Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite. The switch to light beers shows men are improving themselves to wanting to be just drunk instead of fat and drunk.

A study says alcohol sales dropped 15% in states with legalized pot. On the flip side, those states have seen sales of pizza, ice cream and cookies skyrocket by 435%.

A report says the American sedans are becoming a thing of the past. Mostly because people realize having a two-seater is the only way they will ever completely eliminate back seat drivers.

Facebook has launched a contest to boost Internet security. For one thing, people can protect themselves when they quit putting everything they do on Facebook.

A poll says 84% of Americans are not worried about losing their jobs this year. Mostly because they know their company can’t find anyone wanting to take their place working a handful of hours for minimum wage and no benefits.

A poll says 84% of Americans are not worried about losing their jobs this year. The other 16% are politicians who will be up for election later in 2018.

Carl Icahn is making a push to remove the CEO of Xerox. Apparently he feels he is too much of an executive suite duplicate.

A study says men who start drinking as teens have an increased of liver disease. Now who would have even thought that was a possibility?

A study says men who start drinking as teens have an increased of liver disease. What’s next, a study that shows smoking is bad for the lungs or that eating too much might make people fat?

A study says it is more likely for people to overeat in the evening. Which is otherwise known as dinner, dessert and midnight snacks.

Kentucky may allow people access to Medicaid if they pass a health or financial literacy course. Which is a stretch to think that anyone from Kentucky would be able to pass any kind of literacy course.

Kentucky may allow people access to Medicaid if they pass a health or financial literacy course. Which taking a financial course would show them they don’t have enough money to pay for any medical care.

A Utah State University student was hospitalized after eating a Tide pod. Which just shows the student was more than likely not attending on an academic scholarship.

A Utah State University student was hospitalized after eating a Tide pod. The worst part is that it was still healthier than anything offered in the school’s dining halls.

Suzanne Somers praised Donald Trump and joking afterwards that her “career is over.” Which everyone else has been saying about her since 1982.

New Oscar rules will help avoid another embarrassing award mix-up. Apparently it has something to do with writing the correct category on the envelopes.

New Oscar rules will help avoid another embarrassing award mix-up. Which means that is that last time an award will be handed out by two 80 year old presenters.

Megyn Kelly says she has “no regrets” about asking Jane Fonda about plastic surgery. Apparently Kelly draws the line at hair dyeing, teeth-whitening and Botox.

Megyn Kelly says she has “no regrets” about asking Jane Fonda about plastic surgery. Mostly because it’s pretty much assumed for any Hollywood actress who is still working past 40.

UK Independence Party leader Henry Bolton says he won’t resign over his girlfriend’s racist remarks about Meghan Markle. Mostly because he is 54 and she is 25 and most men wouldn’t end that arrangement if she was Lizzie Borden.

Comedian Steve Brown was injured in an attack while he was onstage in South Carolina. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “punch line.”

80 year old Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will not return next year. Mostly because he keeps telling his players to watch for the Statue of Liberty play.

Danica Patrick has secured a ride for the Daytona 500. Her goal is to this year not get lapped again by the pace car.

Danica Patrick has secured a ride for the Daytona 500. Or as it is known to her pit crew, the Daytona 150.

Danica Patrick has secured a ride for the Daytona 500. Mostly because she is mad at boyfriend Aaron Rogers who always insists on driving so they can get there faster.

For the second week in a row, a Philadelphia fan punched a police horse after a game. Apparently would have rather been on the horse but forgot his jockey shorts.

For the second week in a row, a Philadelphia fan punched a police horse after a game. Isn’t that something that should be expected more from a Cowboys fan?

For the second week in a row, a Philadelphia fan punched a police horse after a game. If he were from Texas, he would have known it is only proper to punch cows.

Tennessee Titans coach Mike Vrabel called college the NFL’s “farm system.” If that’s true you would think the Texas Aggies would have a decent team once in awhile.

The Red Sox are drastically expanding protective netting at Fenway Park. Mostly to stop fans being hurt by the brawls that start over every foul ball hit into the stands.

Congress passed a funding bill ending a three day government shutdown. Which is good because when the government shuts down it takes three months for anyone to even notice.

Montana’s Governor has signed an order keeping net neutrality in the state. Which is great news for the three people in Montana who have Internet access.

Facebook has announced a new unit of time called the “flick” which lasts 1/705,600,000 seconds. Which is exactly the same as the attention span of someone who spends eight hours every day on Facebook.

Facebook has announced a new unit of time called the “flick” which lasts 1/705,600,000 seconds. Which is the amount of time it takes to hit someone in the head with your fingers to tell them to give the social media a rest.

A poll says a majority of Americans say Donald Trump didn’t do enough to prevent the government shutdown. On the other hand, most American feel more safe and secure when he does absolutely nothing.

A new book says Donald Trump leaks White House information to the media. Which considering he has told 2,100 lies in his first year of office finally explains where all that fake news is coming from.

The Trump Administration has waived dozens of environmental rules to speed up construction of the border wall. People were surprised at the news. Trump’s EPA still has environmental rules?

Hawaii’s Governor says he didn’t know the missile alert was fake because he forgot his Twitter password. Which is ironic in that there wouldn’t be the fear of a real missile alert if Trump would forget his.

Donald Trump’s first year ratings were the worst of any President by ten points. Or as Trump calls that, “the greatest popularity of any person on the planet in the history of all mankind.”

Cher told women in Las Vegas they “need to step up to the plate.” Although she should have used different wording as they all immediately left to get in line at the casino buffet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the government is back in business. Hooray! That makes my job easier. Without the government messing things up I would have material for about five jokes a day. Which if you count just the funny ones, that is about what I average anyway. But now we have something to talk about while they prepare for the next government shutdown in a few weeks. This site never shuts down, despite popular demand. I crank out the jokes no matter what. Meaning no matter if they are funny or not. But I am always here for you, and of course my reward is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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