Sunday, January 21, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The NSA has deleted surveillance data it had promised to preserve, saying they “regret the failure.” Now at least we know what happened to the Hawaiian missile alert button pusher.

The government went into a shutdown Friday night. Which is better than usual when it goes into complete shutdown starting 4:00 every Friday afternoon.

Rand Paul’s neighbor has been charged with assaulting the Senator. Although Republicans wish they would have also tackled him hard enough Friday to keep him from voting for the government shutdown.

Texas has shattered a record for electricity use during the winter. There hadn’t been that much electrical current used in the state since George W. Bush was governor and had someone sitting in the electric chair at least every other week.

CNN president Jeff Zucker reportedly wants to go over to ESPN. If that happens, we’ll be hearing Donald Trump start complaining about “fake sports.”

CNN president Jeff Zucker reportedly wants to go over to ESPN. Which would be fitting since he already turned NBC and CNN ratings into a downhill event.

A malfunction triggered sirens at a North Carolina nuclear power plant. Which allowed people there to stay home but still feel like they were on vacation in Hawaii.

Michael Phelps says he contemplated suicide. Although if he really wanted to end it, he would have just dogpaddled in his race against that great white shark.

Michael Phelps says he contemplated suicide, but ended up talking himself out of it. What does he want, a medal?

A brawl at a rap concert in the Bronx sent fans scrambling for the exits. Gee, who would have ever predicted violence at a rap concert in the Bronx?

Facebook says it will start ranking news sources by quality. Just like how people use it now to post pictures showing their friends how they have a much greater quality of life.

A Texas judge interrupted a jury to tell them God informed him the defendant is not guilty. People were surprised at the outburst. Usually judges have the opinion that in the courtroom they are God.

A drunk driver in Florida mistook a Bank of America for a Taco Bell and tried to order food at the drive-thru window. They are just lucky he didn’t go to a Taco Bell first and go to the bank wanting to make a deposit.

A TV crew was arrested for trying to pass a fake bomb through airport security in New Jersey. It’s a good thing the package didn’t contain a DVD of episodes of “The Emoji Movie” or they could have been charged with carrying a real bomb.

Manson follower Leslie Van Houten has been denied parole at age 68. The only way to get let off the hook anymore is to be working in the Trump Administration.

A British Airways pilot was taken off a plane over fears he was drunk. Suspicions were aroused when he walked into the pilots’ lounge and ordered a plate of haggis.

A British Airways pilot was taken off a plane over fears he was drunk. Apparently it was all part of a plan to get an interview to fly with Southwest.

Famous French chef Paul Bocuse has died at age 91. He left instructions to be cremated at 350 degrees for four hours along with some olive oil, basil and garlic powder.

Norwegian Airlines has set a record for the fastest transatlantic flight. Which Donald Trump praised, saying that it takes much longer to get here from those “s--thole countries.”

Defense Secretary James Mattis says U.S competitive warfighting edge has slipped. Apparently he feels when Donald Trump declares war, it needs to be against a country that can fight better than Afghanistan and Iraq.

United Airlines says it saved 170,000 gallons of fuel by using lighter paper in its inflight magazines. The could save even more if their magazine eliminated all its fake, self serving articles about how great United Airlines is.

United Airlines says it saved 170,000 gallons of fuel by using lighter paper in its inflight magazines. What’s worse is it may give them the idea to stop putting any paper products in their planes’ restrooms.

United Airlines says it saved 170,000 gallons of fuel by using lighter paper in its inflight magazines. That’s on top of the millions of gallons they are saving by no longer serving snacks and making passengers lose several pounds each flight.

United Airlines says it saved 170,000 gallons of fuel by using lighter paper in its inflight magazines. Although it’s nowhere near as much as what they save by selling tickets to passengers that they end up dragging off the plane before takeoff.

The EPA says it will stay open all week through the government shutdown. Apparently Scott Pruitt wants to make sure they are there to see nothing gets in the way of the release of any corporate pollution.

Delta is cracking down on service animals it allows on planes, as there are complaints of urination, defecation and biting. Although most of those reports involve passengers over at United who are being dragged off their plane.

A study says the flu can be spread just by breathing without coughing or sneezing. So doctors are recommending anyone coming down with symptoms of the flu just stop breathing until they feel better.

A study says “hot” yoga done in high temperatures is no better for the heart than traditional yoga. Mostly because it’s not healthy to watch anyone do a wheel position in a pair of sweaty yoga pants.

Former NFL players are preaching to stop kids from playing tackle football. It didn’t hurt the Chargers who still had a winning record without tackling anyone.

At the March for Life, Donald Trump said he is committed to protecting life. Apparently meaning other than his EPA ruining the environment, taking away people’s healthcare and starting World War III.

Scientists say that adolescence now is considered to be from age 10-24. Or all the way up to 71 in the case of the nation’s Chief Executive.

A study says meat, donuts and soda may increase the risk of colon cancer. Which may just be a way for doctors to get people to quit eating meat, donuts and soda to avoid having to get a colonoscopy.

A study says meat, donuts and soda may increase the risk of colon cancer. Which is no big deal since people on that diet will be killed by diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease before they ever get cancer.

The widespread flu epidemic is causing the Catholic Church in Maine to alter some of its traditions at Mass. Although shouldn’t they be able to avoid that by just praying a little harder?

The Lakers beat the Pacers despite the worst free throw percentage ever in an NBA game. Lakers fans were surprised. They all thought Shaq had retired.

The University of Texas athletic department reported revenue and expenses over $200 Million. One day they hope to justify all that money by actually graduating one of their student athletes.

The University of Texas athletic department reported revenue and expenses over $200 Million. Although all it would take to drop the expenses to somewhere around $10,000 is just eliminate the salaries of their coaching staff.

The Mets have invited Tim Tebow to their spring training. Mostly because after last year’s 70-92 season they are even considering giving Michael Jordan another shot.

If the Vikings had won Sunday, they would have become the first team to play the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Which the NFL could guarantee from ever happening again by permanently scheduling the game in Cleveland.

The NFL says the Raiders complied with the Rooney Rule when they hired Jon Gruden. Just like how the Raiders in every game they play comply with the official rules of football.

Pirates fans are urging MLB to force owner Bob Nutting to sell the team after recent trades. The bad news is the only person taking an interest in a possible deal to buy the team is Donald Sterling.

Twitter is set to tell 677,000 users they were had by Russian propaganda. Which is significantly less than the 63 Million who did the same thing when they voted for Donald Trump.

Two Bitcoin traders have been charged with fraud. Mostly from the fact they were trading Bitcoins.

The EU says net firms are getting “better” at removing hate speech. Mostly by just automatically eliminating any posts that are written in German.

The Washington Post says Donald Trump made 2,140 false or misleading claims in his first year in office. Which doesn’t even include his Sundays off when he is talking about his golf score or how far he hits the ball.

The Washington Post says Donald Trump made 2,140 false or misleading claims in his first year in office. The question is how can he possibly cross his fingers to tell a fib even while typing out his tweets?

The Washington Post says Donald Trump made 2,140 false or misleading claims in his first year in office. That’s an average of six each day. It’s just a good thing he isn’t Catholic or he would have his hotline with Putin switched over to the Pope.

Prosecutors say Rand Paul’s neighbor attacked him over a dispute about yard maintenance. Apparently he needs to take a lesson from John McCain and just stand on his porch yelling out “Get off my lawn!”

The number of countries disapproving of U.S. leadership tripled in 2017. Especially since Donald Trump tripled the number of countries he describes as “s--tholes.”

A poll says Americans are mixed over whether Donald Trump has met expectations. Which for Democrats is easy as their expectations ranged from “few” to “none.”

Singer Ed Sheeran is reportedly engaged. The wedding will take place just as soon as he can figure out who he will plagiarize to write his wedding vows.

A serial stowaway was caught after sneaking on a light to London at O’Hare International Airport. The worst part is she was sent back home and doesn’t even get to keep her frequent stowaway miles.

A serial stowaway was caught after sneaking on a light to London at O’Hare International Airport. Mostly because she knows only people who actually have tickets are the ones dragged off planes by United.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another treasure trove of humor, or at least my usual attempts. I have to say I have three jokes referencing United throwing passengers off planes. That shows that 1) I hate United; 2) It’s still funny; or 3) I have a limited recall of association. The correct answer is 4) All of the above. Well, when you crank out as many jokes as I do sometimes the same subject matter pops up. But then, my motto has always been quantity over quality. But that isn’t always bad. Look what that attitude has done for GM, McDonald’s and Amazon. And how proud should I be to compare myself to those bastions of consumer satisfaction? All I know that at least I am the one who is satisfied when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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