Friday, January 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Oakland’s mayor says she will go to jail over the city’s sanctuary policy. Mostly because being behind bars is safer than being anywhere else in Oakland.

Mexico dismissed a claim by Donald Trump that they are the most dangerous country in the world. Although they do admit it wouldn’t have taken them 16 years to beat Afghanistan.

Mexico dismissed a claim by Donald Trump that they are the most dangerous country in the world. They say if Trump is going to build a wall anywhere, it should be one that keeps the people from getting out of Detroit.

A glitch at Wells Fargo led to some accounts being emptied. The sad part is customers were actually left with more cash in their fake bank accounts.

CNN is reportedly expanding their presence in Russia. The idea is that in covering the U.S. government, they wanted to be closer to all the real decision makers.

A survey says more kids want to be policemen than athletes. Especially the ones in Cincinnati where when they become cops will eventually get to personally meet every player on the Bengals.

A survey says more kids want to be policemen than athletes. Mostly for job security when they see even Super Bowl quarterback Colin Kaepernick still looking for work.

Movie theater attendance is at a 24 year low. The really bad part of that time frame is it means more people were going to see movies even when they were still being made by Adam Sandler.

Movie theater attendance is at a 24 year low. Mostly because the rough east coast winter has made it so cold no one needs to find a place that offers air conditioning.

Amazon is planning to shift from indie films to more commercial projects. The only problem will be finding leading actors who will work for $7.50 an hour.

Florida could decide to declare porn a health risk. Which is a pretty big leap for a state that is inundated with sharks, hurricanes and George Zimmerman.

Florida could decide to declare porn a health risk. Especially for the men who watch it so much they forget to lock up the 12 guns they have lying around the house.

Hungarian police have a warrant out for former Trump staffer Seb Gorka on gun charges that was in effect while he was in the White House. The irony is that he could be the one person during Trump’s term who may actually be deported.

Chris Christie was stopped while trying to avoid security lines at the Newark Liberty Airport. How big and loud is he that even the TSA can’t miss him?

A study says pot users are more likely to feel alienated by others. Especially the stoners who when ordering pizza say they are a little short and will get it next time.

A millionaire father hired strippers for his son’s 12th birthday party. Just imagine all the new friends he will be making before his 13th.

A millionaire father hired strippers for his son’s 12th birthday party. The hit game was pin the tail on the hooker.

A millionaire father hired strippers for his son’s 12th birthday party. The only awkward part was telling kids at the door about the two-drink minimum.

A millionaire father hired strippers for his son’s 12th birthday party. Instead of presents, his friends were told to bring a lot of ones.

A millionaire father hired strippers for his son’s 12th birthday party. The good news is that it was the first time any children were ever accompanied to a birthday party by their dads.

Pope Francis I married a man and woman flight attendant on the papal plane. People were surprised at the news. There is a heterosexual male flight attendant?

P&G has launched a campaign to discourage the “Tide pods challenge.” It could mean that Tide pods will one day be as obsolete as the iPod.

The Trump Administration has scrubbed all references to climate change and renewable energy from government websites. Mostly because it’s easier to clean up a few websites than it is the environment.

The Trump Administration has scrubbed all references to climate change and renewable energy from government websites. Mostly because eventually the word “environment” will also be removed in favor of “s--thole.”

Donald Trump says his views on building a border wall have “not evolved.” Which is believable as his entire administration hasn’t evolved since 1955.

American Express posted a $1.2 Billion loss due to the new tax law. Which is no problem as they will just put it on their MasterCard.

The Earth has just experienced its four warmest years in world history. To which Donald Trump says that’s nothing, his EPA staff still has three years to go.

Abercrombie & Fitch have launched a gender-neutral kids’ clothing line. Otherwise known to boys, outfits that will guarantee walking around with a permanent wedgie.

Burger King has introduced a double quarter pound hamburger. Since it has cheese, pickles, onions and ketchup with fries it can now be marketed as a balanced meal.

Burger King has introduced a double quarter pound hamburger. No one had any idea the “King” in Burger King comes from making customers look like Henry VIII.

Scientists say they are seeking a better flu vaccine for the future. How hard can that be when you are working with one now that has an effectiveness rate of all of 10%?

A study says grinding teeth may be helped with Botox injections. Mostly because it is hard to clench your teeth when your mouth is placed into a permanent smile.

A report says hitting the head repeatedly causes CTE more than concussions. Which means Cleveland Browns fans are more susceptible than the players from constantly banging their heads against the wall.

Britain has appointed a minister of loneliness. The sad part is that there wasn’t enough money budgeted for them to hire an assistant.

Britain has appointed a minister of loneliness. Although the problem could be solved easier if they would instead appoint a minister of dentistry.

A study says pot use by teens may cause psychosis, or losing touch with reality along with hallucinations and delusions. To which stoners say “It works!”

A study says limiting the hours of the day for eating helps with weight loss. Which for most Americans means starting by cutting back eating to just 23 hours a day.

Justin Timberlake says he and Janet Jackson have made peace since the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004. Now all that is left is for a truce to be called between Katy Perry and the Left Shark.

Justin Timberlake says he and Janet Jackson have made peace since the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004. Although it still goes down as the only time anyone on the field made it to second base during a football game.

Betty White says she isn’t ready to retire at age 96. Mostly because she is the only woman in Hollywood still getting work past 40.

Betty White says she isn’t ready to retire at age 96. It’s nice to see a successful Hollywood star living the same lifestyle as most other Americans who won’t have enough money so they can retire by 96 either.

A report says Harvey Weinstein tried to delete sensitive files before the release of scathing exposes. It’s just too bad while he was at it he wasn’t able to delete any traces of his movie “Fan Boys.”

Diamondbacks outfielder Yasmany Tomas is being accused of reckless driving in Phoenix. How badly do you have to be driving to stand out in a city that has two million people over 90 on the roads?

Major League Baseball says a pitching clock will be likely this year. Except for Dodger reliever Pedro Baez who can only be timed with an hourglass.

Mike Trout will be the highest paid baseball player at $34 Million in 2018. Mostly because it’s easy to catch a trout when using that kind of bait.

Mike Trout will be the highest paid baseball player at $34 Million in 2018. Which in L.A. means he now has enough money to go shopping for a two-bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Tom Brady missed practice on Thursday because of a thumb injury. That put’s Sunday’s game in jeopardy especially since the injury is to his ball-deflating hand.

The Women’s Tennis Association has signed a deal to move their Finals tournament to China and doubling the purse to $14 Million. Crews have already started construction on the site, which will be highlighted by the Great Net of China.

Charles Barkley called LeBron James a “drama queen.” Of course, the way for James to get on Barkley’s good side is if he would become more of a “Dairy Queen.”

Trump appointee Carl Higbie has resigned over his past use of racist, sexist, xenophobic and homophobic language on the radio. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, a pretty lucrative career.

Trump appointee Carl Higbie has resigned over his past use of racist, sexist, xenophobic and homophobic language. Or as most Trump Administration workers call that, a pretty good reference letter.

Some National Parks will remain open in the event of a government shutdown. Mostly because no one can figure out where the valve is to turn off Old Faithful.

Donald Trump described his exercise routine as “I walk, I this, I that.” “This” meaning skipping out on press conferences and “that” meaning working out his fingers sending insulting tweets.

The government is in danger of shutting down this week. The only thing that will stay open is Congress so the members can spend their time making sure they blame the closure on the other party.

The wreck of a 19th century Dutch warship was discovered under coral off the coast of Mexico. Historians were surprised. The Dutch used to have a military?

The wreck of a 19th century Dutch warship was discovered under coral off the coast of Mexico. Although it was hard to strike fear in the hearts of opponents with a vessel called “The Flying Tulip.”

A report says Donald Trump’s lawyer used a Delaware company to pay an adult film star to be silent about their affair. Apparently she decided to talk when she found out she was paid with a scholarship to Trump University.

A baby was delivered on a flight from Paris to New York. To which Donald Trump says the mother delayed the birth until they were in U.S. airspace to avoid being deported as immigrants.

Two Iowa boys are facing felony charges after vandalizing hives and killing a half million bees. The boys were caught after authorities set up a sting operation.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the government is on the verge of shutting down. The only question being, how can anyone tell? As if the employees need even more time off. Although how bad can it be to close down an operation for a few days that has been running at a $20 Trillion deficit. Sounds like it might be a good idea every few weeks or so. The really good news is that Donald Trump won’t be able to start any wars until things get back up and running so that takes at least one worry off most of our minds. My way of fighting off worries is to sit down here every day and crank out some weak attempts at humor. It relaxes me, and of course I am always at my happiest when you all remember to always keep sending the love!



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