Thursday, January 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Stock market optimism is at its highest in the past 32 years. The only difference is that in 1985, the average worker was actually making enough money to have some left over to invest.

Apple says it will invest $350 Billion in the U.S. over the next five years. Which is a nice gesture after the trillions of dollars Americans have spend at Apple that has all gone to their operations in China.

CNN says Donald Trumps physical exam showed he has a form of heart disease that could cause a heart attack in the next 3 to 5 years. But CNN was also predicting back in 2016 that Hillary Clinton was going to win the election.

The Church of Satan says sex robots could save society. What they like is that it will put an end to having sex with women yelling out “Oh, God!”

A poll says only 24% of voters want Oprah Winfrey to run for President. With those numbers, that could make for a real horse race in an election against Donald Trump.

Chris Christie left office as the first New Jersey Governor to not break a leg in office in two decades. Mostly because he eliminated the possibility like when he took a helicopter to a baseball game and rode the last 100 yards in an SUV.

North and South Korea have agreed to the first joint Olympic team that will march together at the opening ceremony. Mostly because Kim Jong-un realizes his only reliable missile threat are his javelin throwers.

Police arrested ten people in a North Carolina religious group who forced children to work at a fish market. It turns out both the kids and the fish were supposed to be spending that time in school.

Apple will pay $38 Billion in taxes on $250 Billion in cash they have stashed overseas. Which is still a bargain to anyone who has bought an Apple device and paid the extra “Apple tax.”

The attacker of a Russian radio host has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Which means they heard voices coming through both the woofer and the tweeter.

The attacker of a Russian radio host has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. That means they heard voices on both AM and FM.

Nigerian gunmen have kidnapped two U.S. and two Canadian citizens. Apparently those Nigerian princes have dropped the Internet and are now soliciting money through direct marketing.

Thieves in Rhode Island stole an $80,000 camera to catch speeding drivers. Unfortunately it happened before they installed cameras to catch camera thieves.

Thieves in Rhode Island stole an $80,000 camera to catch speeding drivers. Which is too bad because the camera would have paid for itself with the first three tickets.

A Florida teacher who had sex with a teenager says the risk of getting caught was “worth it.” The worst part is when he hears his cellmate saying the same thing.

British Airways booted a passenger who boarded a plane wearing everything he was taking on his trip to save the luggage fee. Mostly because if he went to use the bathroom he would have tied it up the entire flight.

British Airways booted a passenger who boarded a plane wearing everything he was taking on his trip to save the luggage fee. He almost got away with it when the crew at first mistook him for Chris Christie.

The number two man at Goldman Sachs was swindled out of $1.2 Million in wine by his assistant. He was so upset he could barely have his chauffeur limo him from his penthouse office back to his mansion.

The number two man at Goldman Sachs was swindled out of $1.2 Million in wine by his assistant. The worst part is he was saving it for a party to celebrate not being jailed for starting the economic crash.

Moscow saw only six minutes of sunlight in December. So much for Vladimir Putin’s promise to enact some sunshine laws.

The UK has appointed a minister of loneliness to help people deal with social isolation. Or they could have just told people to turn off their iPhones for once.

The UK has appointed a minister of loneliness to help people deal with social isolation. Especially for people who have 600 friends who only exist on Facebook.

The UK has appointed a minister of loneliness to help people deal with social isolation. The worst part is their office is in a field in northern Scotland.

The UK has appointed a minister of loneliness to help people deal with social isolation. Whatever happened to curing that by just kissing the Blarney Stone?

The UK has appointed a minister of loneliness to help people deal with social isolation. To which most people are saying it beats having the family over for dinner during the holidays.

American businesses say it is hard to find workers. Mostly because people don’t have any time left to schedule a fourth minimum wage job.

Donald Trump is considering a major fine on China for intellectual property theft. Although one thing is certain, that they aren’t stealing any intellectual property from the White House.

Starbucks is testing a no cash policy at a Seattle store. Which most customers are wondering if that means they can just leave an IOU.

Starbucks is testing a no cash policy at a Seattle store. Which makes sense for the people who need to take out a second mortgage for a large double mocha latte.

Apple says it will create 20,000 U.S. jobs in the next five years. The only problem will be figuring out how to get that many Chinese workers over here that quickly.

Apple says it will create 20,000 U.S. jobs in the next five years. Even better is that 100 of them will be paid enough to actually buy something at an Apple Store.

New Jersey’s wealthy new governor says he will still accept his $175,000 a year salary. Mostly to use it to replace the furniture bent out of shape or broken during eight years of use by Chris Christie.

An investor gave $75 Million to Johns Hopkins for their philosophy department. Or as Descartes would say, “I think we got a huge donation, therefore I am very happy.”

An investor gave $75 Million to Johns Hopkins for their philosophy department. Mostly so graduates would be encouraged to look inward and realize they are in the wrong business.

An investor gave $75 Million to Johns Hopkins for their philosophy department. Which will go to help the students pay for the philosophy degree they can hang on the wall at their job in the comic book store.

A report says Americans received 30 Million robocalls last year. Which surprised people receiving the calls on their cellphones who didn’t realize the devices could also be used as phones.

Wal-Mart is offering a product that will safely destroy any unused opioids. Which is great news for the three Wal-Mart shoppers who would have any leftover opioids.

A study says cycling doesn’t affect men’s sex life. Other than the fact that no woman will agree to have sex with a man whose only means of transportation is a bike.

A report says lowering the legal blood alcohol level in drivers to eliminate DUI deaths in the U.S. Which is true, but the only problem will be getting anyone to agree the level to do that is 0.0%.

A study says brain zaps curb tics in people with Tourette’s Syndrome. The problem is that they then start swearing uncontrollably every time they get zapped.

A plastic surgeon in Kentucky was arrested for being intoxicated on his way to an operation. The first sign was that his plastic surgery “after” pictures gallery looked like a Picasso exhibit.

The cognitive test Donald Trump was given in his physical consisted of identifying pictures of animals, sketching a cube and matching letters to numbers. So the competency of our Chief Executive is determined by Highlights For Children?

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” is facing 15 years in prison for tax evasion. Or as a prison sentence for anyone on the show is called, a cast reunion.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” is facing 15 years in prison for tax evasion on $8.9 Million in income. People were shocked. Why is anyone from “Jersey Shore” making $8.9 Million?

A report says Donald Trump used the word “fake” more than 400 times his first year in office. To which Trump says the reporter who said that is just fake.

Rupert Murdoch is recovering from a painful back injury. Which is ironic in that is exactly what the founder of Fox News has been to Democrats the past 20 years.

The DIY Network is apologizing for an anti-Semitic remark by one of their show hosts. Which was very insulting to the three Jewish people who actually watch a network dedicated to doing handiwork around the house.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will make his broadcast debut on NBC with the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics. Which sounds like as good a place as any to start with some on-the-job training.

The AHL Charlotte Checkers played a hockey game to a completely empty arena because of winter weather. Which is the first time fans couldn’t watch a hockey game because of ice.

The AHL Charlotte Checkers played a hockey game to a completely empty arena because of winter weather. As opposed to the Carolina Hurricanes playing to an empty arena, which is otherwise known as “Tuesday.”

Dennis Rodman checked into rehab following a DUI arrest in California. Apparently he has a weakness for Champagne every time he tries on his favorite wedding dress.

Katie Couric and Mike Tirico will host the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Tirico will replace Bob Costas but will pay homage by keeping an onion on his desk to make it look like he has pink eye.

Toyota will air Super Bowl ads featuring no cars. Which will have the same effect as those commercials with the Swedish Bikini Team that no one had any idea what they were actually selling.

Blake Griffin and the Clippers helped L.A. schoolchildren with vision issues. After getting to watch the Clippers play a game, the kids said they preferred it when they couldn’t see so well.

Blake Griffin and the Clippers helped L.A. schoolchildren with vision issues. Kids are determined to be legally blind when they can’t see Shaquille O’Neal at 200 yards.

Blake Griffin and the Clippers helped L.A. schoolchildren with vision issues. If that works, they will go across town and see if they can give Lonzo Ball some glasses that will help his 35% shooting average.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says Donald Trump is “world class” at social media. Although after Trump’s latest tweets about North Korea he probably meant to say “World War.”

The DHS will block Haitians from getting temporary visas. Mostly because Donald Trump says DHS now stands for “Department of Hindering S--tholes.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Donald Trump gave out his Fake News Awards. Which shows how fake it was because if it was like any of the real awards show, the winners would all have been bashing Trump. The news business loves to give itself enough awards anyway. As I have learned, there is only one award that counts, and that is getting that paycheck every two weeks. Which is exactly what I don’t get from this blog. But I like doing this much more than my job. Go figure. Of course there is one payment I do get from cranking out these attempts at humor, and that is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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