Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

CNN aired 195 uses of the word “s--thole” in just one day last week. What’s even more amazing is that none of them were in connection with their ratings.

Pope Francis I is begging for forgiveness for the “irreparable harm” from the Church’s sex scandals. Although he can start to make it good for most parishioners by saying 12 Million Our Fathers and 18 Million Hail Marys.

A public broadcaster in Japan issued a false alarm of a North Korean missile launch on Tuesday following a similar mistake in Hawaii. To which Kim Jong-un admonished both errors saying “I’m not ready yet!”

Robert Mueller has reportedly subpoenaed Steve Bannon. Although the threat of prison is not a problem to Bannon who has already lost two jobs in the past few months and could use a free place to stay for awhile.

An endangered orangutan was found stabbed to death in Indonesia. Which shows whoever warned the ape it was endangered knew what they were talking about.

An endangered orangutan was found stabbed to death in Indonesia. Which was no surprise as these days pretty much everything living in Indonesia is endangered.

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. This time the person in charge of alerts was told to make sure to press the button marked “fish” instead of “nuclear missile attack.”

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. While the blowfish may be tainted, the government assured everyone that Hootie is still OK.

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. No one even knew that Red Lobster had opened a restaurant there.

A male model in London is being charged with murdering a rival. He now has the chance for a new career the next 15-25 years as a model prisoner.

A report says California has the nation’s highest poverty rate at around 1 in 5. There’s another word for poor people in California. Home buyers.

A report says California has the nation’s highest poverty rate at around 1 in 5. The other 4 are the ones who have finished paying off their home mortgage.

The Mormon Church has appointed a 93 year old former heart surgeon as its new president. The Church refused to make an issue of his age, saying he may be young for the position but will have time to eventually learn the ropes.

The temperature in a city in Russia dropped to 88.6 degrees below zero. Fortunately they use the Celsius scale so it doesn’t seem so cold at only 67 degrees below zero.

Donald Trump told reporters he didn’t just want immigrants from Norway, but from “everywhere.” Meaning he will also accept people from Finland, Sweden and Denmark.

McDonald’s says it wants to use 100% recyclable packaging by 2025. Just like how their regular customers recycle clothes by trading them in for a larger size.

McDonald’s says it wants to use 100% recyclable packaging by 2025. Which means the same wrapper that held the Big Mac that gave you Diabetes may also hold the one that causes your heart attack.

Viagra maker Pfizer says it will shut down research and development on medications for Alzheimer’s Disease and Parkinson’s. Mostly because as long as men have Viagra they couldn’t care less about their other afflictions.

The number of Americans without health insurance increased during Donald Trump’s first year in office. To which the people in Haiti and African countries are saying “What a s--thole!”

A report says food and packaging make up 45% of material in U.S. landfills. The other 55% is the packaging for the medications the people eating all that food need for their high blood pressure and heart disease.

UK researchers found a surprising health risk from drinking seawater. Although what could be more risky than the fact that drinking seawater will kill you?

UK researchers found a surprising health risk from drinking seawater in the presence of antibiotic resistant bacteria. Although it turns out that is only when sea salt is used on any dishes served at Chipotle.

A study says saunas may be as good for the heart as moderate exercise. Which finally explains why Republicans are so open to policies that promote the early arrival of global warming.

A study says rural women are having sex earlier than city women. Mostly because the women in urban areas have cellphones that keep them focused on the screen so much they don’t have time to think about men.

A study says rural women are having sex earlier than city women. Which happens mostly when the rural men around them get tired of the local sheep.

An English man ruptured his throat while trying to hold in a sneeze. For the people around him, it was just a lucky thing he wasn’t trying to hold back some gas.

Fox News Channel will air a documentary series “Scandalous” which features a seven part show detailing Bill Clinton’s career. To which people at the network are saying “We thought that’s what ‘Fox & Friends’ is for.”

Fox News Channel will air a documentary series “Scandalous” featuring a seven part show detailing Bill Clinton’s career. The series was delayed because plans fell through to have it hosted by Bill O’Reilly, Ed Henry and Eric Bolling.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye west welcomed a new daughter born by surrogate. They would have had the baby the traditional way but Kardashian found giving birth got in the way of all her obligations on social media.

Larry King says Princess Diana would have seen Meghan Markle as a “step forward” for the monarchy. Although he still has doubts it would have been seen the same way by his good friend Queen Victoria.

Larry King says Princess Diana would have seen Meghan Markle as a “step forward” for the monarchy. Meaning it could bring the Royal Family all the way up to the 15th Century.

George Clooney will star in and direct a series based on the book “Catch-22” for Hulu. He wanted to make it for a big studio, which wouldn’t let him direct the film because he didn’t have the experience he could only get directing it for Hulu.

Novak Djokovic says tennis players could boycott future Grand Slam events over pay. Although tournament organizers thought when they demanded a higher net they meant they wanted them to raise the tape.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan was arrested for punching a police horse and its rider at a game. He must have delivered a real haymaker.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan was arrested for punching a police horse and its rider at a game. If he was doing it to emulate the scene in “Blazing Saddles,” he should remember that Alex Karras played for the Detroit Lions.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will help NBC with its coverage of the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics. What’s he going to do, run the parking concession?

Charlotte Hornets coach Steve Clifford is back to work following treatment for sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation? Has he been watching any of their games?

An Arkansas college is investigating racial taunts from students at a basketball game. Which are otherwise known in Arkansas as cheers, yells and slogans.

Steph Curry has the top selling NBA jersey, while fourth place goes to the Bucks Giannis Antgetokounmpo. The only problem is making a jersey for Antetokounmpo with letters that just go around the jersey once.

A hit movie in Russia called “Going Vertical” is about the 1972 gold medal basketball game against the U.S. As opposed to the film that will be made about them banned from of the 2018 Winter Games for doping which will be called “Going Horizontal.”

The San Francisco Airport can now send wireless emergency alerts. Apparently the got the system for a really good price from the state government in Hawaii.
 
A contraceptive app is under fire for unwanted pregnancies. Mostly because all it does is tell women to stop using Tinder.

A contraceptive app is under fire for unwanted pregnancies. Which is a surprise since cellphones stop pregnancies in general by keeping people from ever even looking up from their screens long enough to have sex with anyone.

A study says most good jobs in South Dakota are going to people without a bachelor’s degree. Mostly because the only reason people go to college there is to have a chance to get a job somewhere other than South Dakota.

Kentucky has been picked on the worst state to retire. To which most people in Kentucky are saying “What’s retire?”

Holiday shoppers spent a record $108.2 Billion online in 2017. Which will be followed by an equal amount to replace the cheap crap they bought on Amazon that has already broken since Christmas.

Ferrari says it will start making an SUV. Which an SUV From Ferrari sounds like it will have about the same demand as a ten speed bicycle put out by Harley-Davidson.

Uber says it will require drivers to take extended breaks after working ten hour shifts. Especially for drivers who spend nine hours of that time stuck circling a roundabout.

A new app helps people put down their mobile devices and reconnect with their life. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the phone’s “off switch.”

A former CIA officer was arrested for possession of classified documents. That’s the last time he will ever buy space on Hillary Clinton’s private server.

The White House doctor says there is no concern about Donald Trump’s cognitive health. Which is good on one hand that he is of sound mind, but bad knowing now that he meant all of those things he has said.

A report says Donald Trump’s 38% approval rating is lower than it should be with a strong economy and voter satisfaction. But it’s still higher than it should be for someone taking away people’s healthcare and calling other countries “s--tholes.”

Donald Trump’s physical exam says he is 6’3” tall and weighs 239 pounds, putting him just below “obese” on the BMI scale. The good news is that using the electoral vote formula puts his weight more around 185.

Steny Hoyer, the number two Democrat in the House says Donald Trump qualifies as a racist. Which the White House praised, saying it’s the first time any Democrat has described Trump as “qualified.”

Donald Trump finished his first year with the lowest approval rating of any elected President. Even worse for Trump is that he still has three years to go.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, only in this country do we have the celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday disrupted by controversy over our President calling African nations “s--tholes.” I don’t like to use profanity, so I have bleeped out the word but you all know what it is. Besides, if I completely eliminate profanity that would be the end of all my Donald Trump quotes. Oh, well. I hope you had a good weekend. I had a couple of days off but it was tough to do anything as we got nailed with four inches of snow yesterday. Ugh. I am already tired of winter. Bring on the spring and let’s get some baseball going again! That’s when the world is good again. Of course, my world is always good when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: