Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now work at the Weather Service and be in charge of sending out blizzard warnings.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Although it could have been worse. With Donald Trump as President, anyone sending out a nuclear attack alert has a 50-50 chance of being right.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now be working as the track switcher for Amtrak.

A report says the worker who sent out the false missile attack alert in Hawaii just pressed a wrong button. The question is, what was he doing at Donald Trump’s desk?

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Or as Donald Trump says, “I hate when that happens.”

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. They still haven’t come up with a final decision on the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004.

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. Although more people want them to come to a faster decision on Net Neutrality so they know if they can still binge watch on Netflix.

The expletive “s--thole” was projected onto Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel. Although management will be more concerned if it results in a bad review on Yelp.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The other three fourths are just holding on until the next election.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The sad part is when their prayers start out “To whom this may concern…”

A measles warning has been issued at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. The good news is it won’t spread as by the time anyone gets a flight out of there they will be past the ten days when they are contagious.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Which will happen the day they give everyone an executive suite.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Mostly to give people enough time to work at all three jobs it takes them to make ends meet.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Especially in the magazine business where they can’t afford to pay for any more full time employees.

Alibaba has developed Artificial Intelligence that can outscore humans in reading and comprehension. Their next goal is to make the program perform at even higher than a second grade level.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. The only problem is when it becomes having sex weakly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Especially the ones who think they still have a chance at having sex weekly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Until their wife hits them with a frying pan when she finds out who they are having sex with.

A report says the first human frozen cryonically will be brought back to life in ten years. Meaning the money they put down for the procedure has finally run out.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Especially in Oklahoma where all they need are robots to cut hay and drill for oil.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Which they can start with making one that knows how to push the right button for a nuclear missile attack alert in Hawaii.

JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says the Democrats don’t have a strong presidential candidate for 2020. Which at this point, Democrats figure they can run anyone with the label “Not Trump.”

A car went airborne crashing into the second story of a dentist’s office in California. That building really got drilled.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Talk about the bottom falling out of the market.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Which didn’t do a lot for the stock price of the company that made the building.

Donald Trump commented on the Hawaiian missile attack false alert, saying “They made a mistake.” In fact, he even admitted he once made a mistake, back in 1952.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Mostly for people who realize they only have 48 more weeks to pay off last Christmas before the next one arrives.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Especially for the people who realize they have already broken every single one of their New Year’s resolutions.

An Army veteran is suing the VA for leaving a scalpel inside him after a surgery. Ironically, his internal bleeding was blamed on VA medical benefits cuts.

A woman was booted out of a Chick-fil-A in South Dakota for breast-feeding her daughter. Chick-fil-A says it has a strict policy of covering all their breasts with two pieces of bread.

The federal government is warning pot users they are banned from having guns or ammunition. Which means stoners have a choice to make between bang or bong.

He CDC has postponed a session on preparing people for nuclear war. The good news is that Hawaii has already pretty much gone through their training.

An Indiana hospital computer system was hacked and held ransom for Bitcoins. To which hackers on behalf of the patients are saying “How’s it feel when it happens to you?”

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. To which Democrats are saying they would like a second opinion.

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. After which Ben Carson went back to work running HUD.

A study says fungus and bacteria thrive in dishwashers. Especially when people take their food from Chipotle out of the go container at home and eat it from a plate.

A study says one out of four American adults have split with a partner over financial issues. The other three didn’t have financial issues until their spouse split with them and took half of everything they own.

A study says rich people are now “wise” when it comes to love. Mostly because if you have enough money it’s always easy to find the next person to go out with.

The romance between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be portrayed in a Lifetime movie. What could be filled with more tension, suspense and personal obstacles than a love story between a wealthy prince and a beautiful TV actress?

Danica Patrick is reportedly dating Aaron Rogers. Both certainly have made a career over knowing how to make a pass.

CoCo Vandeweghe was given a code violation at the Australian Open for taking too much time to eat a banana during a set break. The umpire penalized her for making him go “CoCo bananas.”

LaMelo Ball scored 31 points in a game on his Lithuanian team. Although he still hasn’t made as many steals as his brother LiAngelo did playing with UCLA in China.

The Toronto Blue Jays will extend protective netting around the Rogers Centre. The good thing is that it’s not like they will have to offer any protection from getting hit by baseballs for their fans in the outfield bleachers.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is encouraging equality in the league, saying players are judged on talent and not race. Which goes even farther in San Antonio where they are not judged by their age.

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. The question with Rodman is, how could anyone even tell?

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. Although the only problem with that is he is probably more dangerous on the road when he is sober.

Golfers on the PGA Tour were worried while playing an event during the false missile attack alert. Although no North Korean missile could possibly be as accurate over a long distance as Dustin Johnson nearly holing out a 433 yard tee shot.

A study says obesity has cut nearly a year off the life expectancy in the U.S. The good news is those people will have a year less to deal with being fat shamed.

Australia’s new visa system could use Artificial Intelligence to spot dubious applicants. Apparently that is their way of saying they will keep out the immigrants from “s--thole countries.”

Saudi Arabia lifted a 35 year ban on cinemas with a screening of “The Emoji Movie.” Well, that ought to scare them away for at least another three decades.

Hackers reportedly broke into a company’s computers and stole $400,000 in Bitcoins. Which by next week when they try to sell them will be worth all of $12.50.

France is debating whether to ban cellphones from students in school. Although the alternative is having to communicate personally with each other which is tough since the country banned soap and deodorant.

A poll says only 1% of Donald Trump’s supporters back Steve Bannon’s efforts. The other 99% are more interested in buying Bannon an ironing board and razor.

Jeb Bush has thrown his support behind Mitt Romney in his run for Senator from Utah. Apparently Bush his hoping he can energize both people who voted for him in the 2016 Utah primary.

Melania Trump has hired a new director of operations, policy director and communications coordinator. Apparently she is hoping her husband might follow her lead and try the same thing.

Donald Trump spent Martin Luther King, Jr. Day at Mar-a-Lago in Florida. And what better place to celebrate the Civil Rights movement than playing golf at a $200,000 per membership country club in the South?

Donald Trump’s “Fake News Awards” are set for tomorrow. Which is just his way of honoring the networks that had the fewest instances of repeating the term “s--thole countries.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the death of Cranberries singer Dolores O’Riordan suddenly at age 46. No cause of death was reported, although she had reportedly recently suffered physical and mental health problems. Hard to believe the singer in an Irish folk band could have depression. The group had a string of ‘90s hits like “Zombie,” “Linger” and “Dreams.” She had a great voice and was very adept at writing some catchy songs. Another talent lost way too young. I will probably play a couple of their songs today and will of course feel better when all of you remember to always keep sending the love!

  

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