Friday, January 12, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The House has voted down new limits to NSA spying. People were shocked at the news. There are limits on what the NSA can do?

Spain has surpassed the U.S. as a travel destination in 2017. Mostly for travelers who speak Spanish and know anyone who speaks the language in the U.S. has already been deported.

Megyn Kelly says some women want to be fat-shamed. But it’s OK for her as she doesn’t mind being thin-shamed, blonde-shamed and perfect complexion-shamed.  

NBC will reportedly see $1.4 Billion in ad revenue from the Super Bowl and the Winter Olympics. Which will be just about enough to pay off all the sexual harassment claims against Matt Lauer.

Donald Trump is renewing his call for a tax on the Internet. Mostly because just taxing porn sites will generate enough money to pay off the entire national debt.

Donald Trump is renewing his call for a tax on the Internet. Although he doesn’t want to go after every website, just CNN.com, MSNBC.com and nytimes.com.

A 199 mph wind was measured in the Sierra Nevada, the fastest wind ever recorded in California. It beat the previous record of a wind generated by a car traveling on the 405 Freeway of 4 mph.

The latest cover of Time is a cartoon depicting Donald Trump with his hair on fire. Apparently the caption says “I’m fired.”

The latest cover of Time is a cartoon depicting Donald Trump with his hair on fire. The good news is that Trump doesn’t mind as he has been told it is because he has been chosen Person of the Year Whose Hair is On Fire.

Wal-Mart has raised hourly wages for workers in the wake of the tax overhaul. But the store is assuring people to not worry as they will still be paid at a level where they won’t lose their Food Stamps or Medicaid coverage.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens. Has admitted to an extra-marital affair. That shows how things have changed. Two years ago, he would have been accused of doing it to gear up for a run for President.

Donald Trump announced delivery to Norway of F-52 fighter jets that only exists in a video game. But then so does the Norwegian military.

Chief of Staff John Kelly has banned cellphones and smart watches from the West Wing. Which will make it difficult for the staff to prepare for the media firestorm that awaits them every day if they can’t read Donald Trump’s latest tweets.

A report says 21 Million taxpayers will stop taking charitable deductions under the new tax law. Mostly because with the lower classes eventually seeing a tax increase, they will all instead be taking charitable donations.

A study says if a past employer is involved in a scandal, it can hurt your future. The good news is that the people who worked for Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose and Garrison Keillor can always get a job with Harvey Weinstein, Al Franken or Roy Moore.

Wal-Mart is offering a raise plus paid parental leave to workers. As opposed to before, when paid parental leave meant they were paid so little they had to leave the kids at home alone when they went to work.

U.S. Marshals will auction off $52 Million in Bitcoins seized from drug dealers. Hopefully they will be able to hold the auction before next week when the value of the Bitcoins will drop to somewhere around $17.50.

The government says the national deficit shrank to $23.2 Billion in December. How bad is it when the government can only brag that the rate we are spiraling into hopeless debt is slowing down a little?

The IRS has rolled out new tax withholding guidelines in the wake of the tax overhaul. Which now consists of them saying “Hand it all over.”

The Florida House is demanding records from a show with chef Emeril Lagasse to see where millions of dollars from the state tourism agency went. Ironically, if there is any wrongdoing the sound of the jail cell door closing behind them is “Bam!”

Sears says it is looking to strengthen its finances or consider all other options. Which at this point their finances say the only option is pretty much shutting down.

Sears says it is looking to strengthen its finances or consider all other options. Unfortunately, their only hope in getting their finances straightened out disappeared when Donald Trump was unable to take us back to 1955.

The Trump Administration will allow states to require able-bodied Medicaid recipients to work. The good news is there is still an opportunity for the feeble-minded, who can still always be elected President of the United States.

The Trump Administration will allow states to require able-bodied Medicaid recipients to work. Which is no big deal since anyone who is able-bodied isn’t going to be in a position to apply for Medicaid in the first place.

The Trump Administration will allow states to require able-bodied Medicaid recipients to work. Which is no big deal since most jobs pay wages that still keep the workers eligible for Medicaid.

The FDA says people should keep cough medicines with opioids like codeine from children. To which most parents are saying “Why would we waste a good buzz on our kids?”

The CDC says the E. coli outbreak threat from leafy greens is likely over. Which is good news for the three Americans who actually eat leafy greens.

The CDC says the E. coli outbreak threat from leafy greens is likely over. Especially for people who are now immune from regular dining at Chipotle.

The flu outbreak has shut down a school in Idaho where four out of ten kids were stricken. Mostly because in Idaho only four out of ten kids are enrolled in school.

A study says those with “obesity genes” will gain the most from healthy eating. Apparently the study was done at the University of No Kidding.

A study says those with “obesity genes” will gain the most from healthy eating. The sad part is those with the obesity genes will pretty much gain the most from eating anything.

A study says frozen embryos are just as good for IVF as fresh embryos. Mostly because going into the womb frozen gives the kids some protection after then are born against the effects of global warming.

Health insurer Centene is being sued over a lack of access to doctors for policyholders. To which the insurance company says “If we keep paying for these people to see the doctor, how are they ever going to learn to be healthy?”

A deaf boy heard music for the first time at a Dallas Mavericks NBA game. The only problem is that meant the music was loud enough so that everyone else in the arena won’t hear a thing for three weeks.

A deaf boy heard music for the first time at a Dallas Mavericks NBA game. Apparently the team keeps the music loud so it covers the fact that without it the arena for the 15-28 team would be dead silent.

A 6 year old Florida boy is undergoing an experimental rabies treatment. If it works, doctors are hopeful it can also be used with some success on Sean Spicer.

Kelly Clarkson says she sees nothing wrong with spanking her children. Especially if they don’t get her a beer when she yells for one or don’t help keep the trailer clean.

Former “The Bachelor” star Nick Viall says he is dating again and moving forward from the show. Which sounds like he is just pretty much doing the same thing.

An Alabama assistant coach says he had his playbook and passport stolen at the National Championship game in Atlanta. They need to teach the people in Alabama that you don’t need a passport to cross state lines.

An Alabama assistant coach says he had his playbook and passport stolen at the National Championship game in Atlanta. Apparently he became confused looking at a world map and thought he was going to the wrong Georgia.

An Alabama assistant coach says he had his playbook and passport stolen at the National Championship game in Atlanta. At first he was really worried because instead of his playbook he thought they had taken his Playboys.

Tonya Harding and her mother are giving different accounts of abuse and alcohol. Which tends to happen in a relationship that is based on abuse and alcohol.

Cleveland pitcher Trevor Bauer threw a ball in practice at 116.9 mph. Which means he could strike out the side and be back in the dugout before Jered Weaver finishes his windup.

Cleveland pitcher Trevor Bauer threw a ball in practice at 116.9 mph. He throws so fast, he struck out one batter before he was able to make it into the batter’s box.

The Marlins will host the Cubs in the MLB season opener on March 29th. Apparently the Marlins volunteered to be in the first game to just try to get the season over as fast as possible.

Donald Trump says we should take out Haitians and others from “s---hole countries” and get more immigrants from places like Norway. Although with free college and healthcare, Norwegians say who wants to live in a “s---hole” country like the U.S.?

Facebook says it will change its news feed to prioritize posts that are more meaningful to friends and family. Meaning the whole site will be nothing but photos of what everyone in the world ate for breakfast.

An early iPhone designer is calling for Apple to curb tech addiction. Which he might have thought a little bit more about when he was creating the problem back in 2007.

Xerox is reportedly in talks for a deal with Japan’s Fujifilm. Which is about as relevant as Sears proposing a merger with RadioShack.

A survey says Americans prefer sharing their life’s milestones with their social network rather than in person. Mostly because it is a lot safer than sharing them with their family members over holiday dinners.

A survey says Americans prefer sharing their life’s milestones with their social network rather than in person. Especially when their milestones are all about how many pictures of meals they have posted on Facebook.

A report says a pet translator may be available within a decade. Which can’t be that difficult for dog owners as the only things it will need to transcribe are “walk,” “ride” and “squirrel.”

A report says a pet translator may be available within a decade. Which will mostly just be telling people their dog is saying “How about flushing so I can get a drink?”

The Villages retirement community in Florida is set to have the largest self-driving taxi service in the nation. Which will allow them to visit their friends who have been taken away by a self-driving ambulance and hearse.

The Villages retirement community in Florida is set to have the largest self-driving taxi service in the nation. Which will save drivers from having to spend the whole ride hearing “You’re driving like a bat out of hell!”

Dozens of experts are urging Donald Trump’s doctor to have his physical exam include a check on his neurological health. To which the doctor says “There isn’t enough time for a mental exam as he only has three more years in office.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the death of former Motorhead and Fastway guitarist “Fast” Eddie Clarke. He kicked out one of the great opening riffs of all time on the Fastway hit “Say What You Will.” It’s been a rough couple of years for Motorhead fans with the death two years ago of Lemmy. It’s rough for any rock fans losing a great guitarist as the instrument seems like its on its way to extinction. We can all blame the video game “Rock Star” for that, which was brilliantly pointed out in an episode of “South Park.” As a hack guitar player myself, I am always in envy and awe of anyone who has mastered playing the instrument. At least I keep myself amused. Hopefully, these jokes keep you somewhat amused. I do it for fun, and the way I get my reward is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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