Thursday, January 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner have withdrawn their divorce case. She realized he still loves her when he included her in his e-mail list for naked selfies.

Provo, Utah has been ranked best performing economy for large metro areas in the country. People were surprised. Since when has anyone considered Provo a large metro area?

Data says the number of U.S. homes valued at $1 Million has increased by four times since 2002. Which is no surprise since seven figured asking prices started to include a one bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A survey says more women are watching online porn. It used to be just men but apparently women are thinking if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

A survey says more women are watching online porn. It gives them the chance to at least see someone having sex on a video that lasts more than three minutes.

A study says physically fit recruits for the Army are getting hard to find. Which is fine for most soldiers in combat who like to have a fat GI to hide behind.

A study says physically fit recruits for the Army are getting hard to find. Remember the old days when getting out of military service was not becoming morbidly obese but pretending to be gay?

A report says 5,000 bags were still stuck at JFK after a weekend crisis that included a water main break. Or as United calls 5,000 bags going nowhere, “Tuesday.”

Washington State Governor Jay Inslee warned there are just 59 days to save children from global warming. By then it will be mid March and the temperature in Seattle could make it all the way to 62 degrees.

Stephen Hawking says the Earth will become unbearably boiling hot because of climate change. Although it will still not be anywhere near as sweltering as it is getting in Washington, D.C. because of Robert Mueller.

A study says an extra 90 minutes in bed can stop people’s sugar cravings. Except for the ones who keep several boxes of Sugar Frosted Flakes inside the nightstand.

A study says birds stressed by noise pollution are suffering PTSD. In fact, it is getting so noisy they can’t even concentrate enough to send their daily tweets.

An Alabama teenager has been charged with molesting a horse. He is definitely not showing signs of being a stable genius.

An Alabama teenager has been charged with molesting a horse. He needs to be taught that “neigh” means “neigh.”

A survey says 37% of Gen Xers say they won’t be able to retire. Especially when the other 63% says they can’t afford to make it while they are still working.

Donald Trump says he is open to talks with North Korea. Mostly because it can’t be any worse than the thought of talking with the New York Times or Robert Mueller.

Power was cut at the CES in Las Vegas. Which is what happens when you have 50,000 people trying to charge their cellphones all at once.

The State Department has softened its warning for travel to Cuba, recommending people “reconsider” their trip. Which sounds more like a sales pitch followed by “perhaps we could interest you instead in the Dominican Republic or Jamaica.”

The State Department has softened its warning for travel to Cuba, recommending people “reconsider” their trip. Apparently they are pushing their itinerary of other impoverished nations people would much rather include in their travel plans.

A French manhunt led authorities to a monastery, which was complicated by the monks’ vow of silence. The good news is that police didn’t have to spend any time reading them their Miranda rights.

A French manhunt led authorities to a monastery, which was complicated by the monks’ vow of silence. Which calls for the brothers to never rat out another brother.

A 91 year old Texas veteran finally received the Purple Heart medal he earned in World War II. Apparently the Army wanted to give his wound enough time to heal.

A Memphis pastor received a standing ovation from his congregation after admitting to sexual misconduct with a teenager 20 years ago. To which Harvey Weinstein says he really needs to hire that guy as his press agent.

North Korea says its nuclear weapons are only aimed at the U.S. Provided they get off the launch pad, go more than three miles and are able to get out of North Korea.

North Korea will send athletes to the Winter Olympics in South Korea. The only problem is retraining their Biathlon team so that when they are done with the skiing part, they end with rifle shooting at targets instead of a firing squad.

Diet Coke is introducing new slim 12-ounce cans. Which apparently are being sold so people will look at them and say “Hey, it really works!”

A new app is able to find museum portraits that looks like the user. Which is great except for the people who find their face looks like a Picasso.

Pokemon Go will soon no longer be compatible with the iPhone 5. Which is no problem since anyone who still has an iPhone 5 is way too old to be playing Pokemon Go in the first place.

Pokemon Go will soon no longer be compatible with the iPhone 5. Mostly because the iPhone 5 was released in 2012 which in technology time is pretty much the Mesozoic Era.

Los Angeles County set a tourism record with 48.3 Million visitors last year. Which Donald Trump says he will fix by sending 48.2 Million of them back across the border.

Los Angeles County set a tourism record with 48.3 Million visitors last year. “Visitors” meaning they moved there but have no chance of ever being able to afford to live anywhere other than in their car.

A study says women who are unhappy with their breast size are less likely to give themselves self-exams. Which they should be happy to know they can always find a man to help out who isn’t nearly as picky.

A warning has been issued that a $135 Gwyneth Paltrow-promoted coffee enema may be dangerous. Especially since after getting taken for $135, what’s the point of the enema?

A Spanish man who was declared dead was revived after snoring on the autopsy table. Which means doctors came that close to really putting him in the Big Sleep.

A Spanish man who was declared dead was revived after snoring on the autopsy table. He almost changed the old saying to  “If you snooze, you lose. Your life.”

A study by researchers from Harvard and UNC says “humblebragging” makes people unpopular. After which the researchers from Harvard said they were so lucky to get scholarships to an Ivy League school and didn’t get stuck going to UNC.

Donald Trump is set to take his first physical since becoming President. Although Democrats are saying forget the physical, instead of getting on the scale they want him to be on the couch.

A study says losing 5% body weight lowers blood pressure, improves insulin sensitivity and can help in a person’s overall health. The problem is the only way to get most people to lose 5% of their body weight is to cut off an arm.

The MTV show “Floribama Shore” has been renewed for a second season. Apparently it’s for people who thought the cast and plotline of “Jersey Shore” was just a little too intellectual.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman have reached a divorce settlement. Which is ironic that he has to pay off the one woman who actually said “yes.”

Oprah’s Montecito home received minor damage in the Southern California mudslides. Fortunately, she was able to prevent even more destruction when she arrived in time to part the waters.

Oprah’s Montecito home received minor damage in the Southern California mudslides. Which for Oprah is any repair work less than $50 Million.

Rose McGowan says she had to sell her home because of Harvey Weinstein. Which is only fitting as pretty soon Weinstein’s actions will send him to the Big House.
 
A controversy is brewing over Mark Wahlberg getting $1.5 Million with Michelle Williams paid $1,000 for reshooting scenes for the film “All the Money in the World.” Mostly in that the women just want a little bit of all the money in the world.

The 76ers Ben Simmons says “I know I am the best rookie in the NBA.” Mostly just to annoy the L.A. media who will have to hear LaVar Ball go ballistic about it for the rest of the season.

Georgetown University will ban cellphones in a section of their basketball arena as part of an “actual reality” promotion. The problem is students are asking how they will be able watch the game without being able to stream it on their phones?

Georgetown University will ban cellphones in a section of their basketball arena as part of an “actual reality” promotion. The question is what does “actual reality” have to do with expecting students to give up their cellphones?

A MLB agent was suspended for filming players while they showered. His entire career could now be all washed up.

LaVar Ball is being sued over his BBB products. The good thing is that when he goes to court, he is the one defendant who won’t need to hire a mouthpiece.

Golfer Brad Fritsch was suspended for three months from the PGA Tour for using PEDs. Which gives the answer to whether taking PEDs works with the question “Who is Brad Fritsch?”

Golfer Brad Fritsch was suspended for three months from the PGA Tour for using PEDs. The sport has come a long ways. Back in the 1970s the only PEDs used on Tour were the ones from Krispy Kremes.

Joe Arpaio says President Obama’s birth certificate is a “phony document.” Which is the problem with an 85 year old running for Senate, in that apparently he has been napping since 2008.

Joe Arpaio says President Obama’s birth certificate is a “phony document.” If anyone wants a real document, they just need to ask to see his pardon from Donald Trump.

Kellyanne Conway says “no one in the White House talks about Hillary Clinton.” At least no one risking saying her name within a hundred yards of Donald Trump. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special personal memory for me today. It was 30 years ago on this date I bought my much loved Chevy Camaro. To which all of you reading this must be saying “Are you kidding?” I kid not. Or at least very little. That was the best car I have ever owned. A V-6 gun metal gray Camaro with a 5-speed manual transmission. I loved that car. I bought it in Santa Maria, California on January 11, 1988. Since it was on the Central California coast, it came with no A/C which was fine then but became a bit of an issue later. I took that car with me to Wichita, KS where I met my wife and we drove in that car to Kansas City when I proposed to her. We moved it to Orlando, FL where the no A/C thing became very noticeable but I really didn’t care that much. I grew up in L.A. without A/C so I was used to burning up in the summer anyway. I moved it to Syracuse, NY where without 4WD it still made it through 5 winters. I don’t know how I held up that long there. I also took it with me to Dallas, TX, another place where A/C comes in handy. I finished up by driving it here to West Virginia where I had it until 2009 and traded it in under the Cash For Clunkers program. I felt like I sold my child. It pained me to give it away, but I couldn’t resist getting $4,500 for a car that was by then falling apart from the rust caused by the New York road salt. I put a quarter million miles on that car and it served me well. No major repairs in 21 years of service. I can’t imagine a car that could ever be that great and leave me with so many memories. They don’t make them like that anymore. I miss my Camaro which has been since “replaced” by my current Hyundai. That is just hard to write for someone who was raised in a Chevy household. Maybe some day I will search around and find an old worn out Camaro and restore it and keep the memories alive. Nah. Too much work, too much money and not enough time. Besides, no matter what, the memories will always be there. Thank you, Chevy Camaro. 30 years seems like yesterday. Thinking about that car always makes me feel younger again, sort of like the same sensation I get when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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