Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Kim Jong-un says the nuclear button is “always on his desk.” Wouldn’t you know he has the same interior designer as Matt Lauer?

The average temperature across the U.S. on New Year’s morning was a frigid 11 degrees. To which the people of North Dakota were complaining how global warming is just out of control.

Pope Francis I says to forget life’s “useless baggage” like empty chatter and banal consumerism. Which could be bad news for the people at Facebook and Amazon.

China says it is planning to land a probe on the dark side of the Moon. Which is interesting that their space missions are now being determined by Pink Floyd.

A report says robotic sex workers could be hacked to murder humans. Or they could just get the same results by telling the person’s wife.

The CDC says Detroit is the city where people get the least amount of sleep in the U.S. Mostly because it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep when you are constantly awakened by passing drive by shooters.

The CDC says Detroit is the city where people get the least amount of sleep in the U.S. Las Vegas finished fifth. How old are we getting as a population when people visit ‘Vegas and just end up back in their rooms after the Early Bird dinner?

A study says 2017 was the safest year ever for airline passengers. At least for the ones on United who didn’t dispute where they would be sitting on their flight.

A study says 2017 was the safest year ever for airline passengers. Although it is still just a crapshoot for whether they will ever see their luggage in one piece again.

A study says 2017 was the safest year ever for airline passengers. Mostly the ones who feel secure knowing the weapons they bring for protection will always get right past the TSA.

A new diet plan restricts eating to a 12-hour window. The only problem is that for most Americans, that barely covers breakfast.

A survey says meat eaters have more sex than vegetarians. Mostly because it’s hard to find a woman attracted to a pale, gaunt, sickly, tofu-eating herbivore.

Playboy says it may kill off its magazine to concentrate on other ventures. Which will be bad news for all three people who still actually have subscriptions.

German is calling on Iran to allow peaceful protest demonstrations. Because we all know how calm and peaceful Germans can be when they set out to march.

Donald Trump has lashed out at Pakistan’s “deceit” in his first tweet of the New Year. Which shows his resolution for 2018 apparently doesn’t have anything to do with cutting back on using Twitter to start wars.

Donald Trump has lashed out at Pakistan’s “deceit” in his first tweet of the New Year. He says they should come up with their own way of dealing with issues and quit copying him.

Frankenstein’s Monster will be put on England’s new Two Pound coin. Which could actually be some kind of metaphor for how the European Union was created.

Frankenstein’s Monster will be put on England’s new Two Pound coin. Although Warren Zevon fans are wondering why they didn’t make the more obvious choice of “Werewolves of London.”

American Indian tribes have commissioned a study of problem gambling. Mostly because if a cure is found it could mean losing all their best customers.

American Indian tribes have commissioned a study of problem gambling. Which for tribes, problem gamblers are the ones who come to their casinos and keep winning.

A study says the average U.S. credit card debt is $15,654. Which isn’t all that bad when you consider having a role model like Congress, which has used their credit card to rack up a balance of $20 Trillion.

A study says the most likely opioid users are white, middle aged men on disability or unemployment in the Midwest. Which finally explains why all the people in those categories are the ones who voted for Donald Trump.

A report says $1 Billion in gift cards were unused last year. Mostly by recipients who are afraid to use the ones they got for Denny’s, Waffle House and Taco Bell.

A report says $1 Billion in gift cards were unused last year. Mostly the ones who don’t want to suffer the embarrassment of being seen using the cards to go shopping when they are given them for Wal-Mart, Kmart and Sears.

Some parts of Silicon Valley are seeing minimum wages go up to $15 an hour. The only problem is to be able to afford to live there by being able to find a job that gives workers 100,000 hours on the clock.

A poll says 8 in 10 Americans predict 2018 will be full of international discord instead of peace. The other two are holding on to hope that someone can shut down Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Experts disagree on a cure for hangovers because they aren’t sure of the cause. Although it might have something to do with the New Year’s Eve parties where they downed three bottles of Champagne, a fifth of vodka and three six packs of beer.

A study says asthma is worse for overweight preschoolers. Although both afflictions could be cured if those kids would just stop inhaling their food.

A cashier and a butcher helped deliver a baby at a California market. Although that also sounds like a metaphor for the maternity ward at an HMO.

Britney Spears thanked fans after ending her four year residency in Las Vegas. People were amazed at her farewell in that after all that time she finally had something come out of her mouth that wasn’t lip-synced.

Mariah Carey made it through her New Year’s Eve television without any problems this year. Mostly because it was too cold in New York City even for her to have a meltdown.

“The Last Jedi” has hit $1 Billion in worldwide receipts. Which is even more impressive considering every ticket sale was for a single seat.

“The Last Jedi” has hit $1 Billion in worldwide receipts. Which goes to show that you should never underestimate the purchasing power of lonely, single Millennial and Generation Z geeks.

Ringo Starr is set to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II later this year. Researchers are checking to make sure, but it is believed it will be the first time English history there will ever be a “Sir Ringo.”

Ringo Starr is set to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II later this year. Mostly for his work in staying in the Beatles as long as he could despite the presence of Yoko Ono.

Ryan Seacrest and Jenny McCarthy praised Mariah Carey’s return to perform on New Year’s Eve. Although most people were questioning why it was necessary for the show to feature Ryan Seacrest and Jenny McCarthy.

The University of Dubuque’s women’s basketball teal assistant coach was able to stop a bus after the driver passed out. The sad part is, bus driver would be a promotion for a University of Dubuque’s women’s basketball team assistant coach.

Colts owner Jim Irsay says Andrew Luck has a “107 degree fever” for success. To which most people think a 107-degree fever for success with a 4-12 team means he is just suffering from delirium.

Lions’ coach Jim Caldwell was fired after missing the playoffs. The Lions firing a coach for missing the playoffs brings a new definition to the term “One and Done.”

A 100 year old Spurs’ fan was given a ticket to see the team play on her birthday. She says it was the most exciting time she has had in San Antonio since she was helping out at the Alamo.

A 100 year old Spurs’ fan was given a ticket to see the team play on her birthday. She was there to not only see the game but to possibly meet some of the eligible team members in her dating age group.

Steph Curry reportedly hit 94 out of 100 three point attempts at practice. As compared to the Lakers who are hoping to hit 94 three pointers this season.

Apple is offering discounted batteries to iPhone owners now. “Discounted” meaning they were only marked up 20 times their actual cost instead of the usual 40.

A rogue Chinese space station is expected to hurtle towards the Earth sometime this year with no one knowing where it could strike. To which North Korean military leaders are accusing China of stealing the idea from their missile program.

A rare 2,700 year old clay seal belonging to a Biblical Governor of Jerusalem has been found. Which apparently is what Donald Trump is using to prove Jerusalem has to be considered the capital city of Israel.

Bill Gates says the three skills needed to be successful in the job market are science, engineering and economics. As opposed to Donald Trump who is anti-science, refuses to touch the infrastructure and is driving up the national debt.

Bill Gates says the three skills needed to be successful in the job market are science, engineering and economics. This coming from the man who almost bankrupted his company after coming up with the idea for Windows 10.

A report says more robocalls than ever were placed in 2017. Which is a pretty fruitless endeavor, especially to any Millennials who have not actually answered a phone call since 2005.

Scientists in Switzerland say they can now read ancient documents without opening them. Haven’t they ever heard about steaming open an envelope?

A Mercedes Benz used by Adolph Hitler is up for sale. It’s the one with the bumper sticker saying “Lunatic Genocidal Dictator On Board.”

A Mercedes Benz used by Adolph Hitler is up for sale. It’s the one with the bumper sticker saying “My Other Car Is A Panzer Tank.”

Bernie Sanders has vowed to “intensify” his fight against Donald Trump in 2018. Which will mean both men in their 70s will have to get in shape for the upcoming battle by looking into the mirror to perfect their best scowl.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back for 2018. I’m just glad we made it through 2017, although that doesn’t give me a lot of hope for the next 12 months. I want to thank you all for staying with the blog for yet another year. It was an interesting year with many highs and lows. The year ended on a very sad note for me personally with the passing on Christmas of a former co-worker who died suddenly and unexpectedly at the young age of 26. Her name was Shelby Spradling and she was just one of those people who had a lot of energy and life and everyone else loved to be around. We lost a very good friend, and it is just a sad reminder of how fragile life can be. Make sure you tell your loved ones how much they mean to you every day as no one knows what tomorrow can bring. Except for right here where you can be sure there will be a trove of more bad jokes. Let’s hope that 2018 turns out to be a great year for everyone. All I need to make it a success is for all of you to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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