Thursday, December 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel has drawn criticism from other countries. It’s getting so bad that some Americans are hoping the world will quit recognizing Washington, D.C. as the capital of the U.S.

The Palestinian president says American recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital could jeopardize the peace process. To which most people are saying the peace process was destroyed the day we put Donald Trump in the White House.

Wallethub has named Nashua, New Hampshire as the safest city in the country. Mostly because the seven people who live there know each other too well to hurt anybody else.

Wallethub has named Nashua, New Hampshire as the safest city in the country. Mostly because it is just too hard to go out and commit crimes when there is always 20 feet of snow on the ground.

A survey says two thirds of Americans oppose the GOP tax plan. It’s bulky, wasn’t read by the legislators and got pushed through despite not being completed. What’s not to like?

A report says socialism and capitalism are seen in a new light by younger Americans. Mostly by how their ancestors pushed capitalism on the next generations only to stick them with a $20 Trillion debt to pay off.

A survey says 40% of smartphone use is compulsive. As opposed to when the phone is taken away which makes users become convulsive.

A survey says 40% of smartphone use is compulsive. As opposed to the other 60% of smartphone use which is based on infatuation, fixation and obsession.

A mysterious condition called “scromiting,” where people scream and vomit is being associated with heavy pot use. The question is, how high was the person who came up with the term “scromiting”?

Vladimir Putin has announced he will be running for a fourth term as Russian president. Immediately after the announcement, he and his administration celebrated with the official victory party.

Vladimir Putin has announced he will be running for a fourth term as Russian president. As a gesture of goodwill to his opponents, Putin has offered anyone running against him free funeral services.

Vladimir Putin has announced he will be running for a fourth term as Russian president. People thought Putin might want to step down after Trump was elected so he can spend more time running the U.S.

A Chinese newspaper is offering tips on how to survive a nuclear attack by North Korea. Which is really not that difficult if they have managed to make it through the usual air pollution, tainted water supply and contaminated food.

A bill in California would ban gasoline cars by 2040. Mostly because by then the population will be so old the vehicle of choice for all those seniors will be a golf cart.

A bill in California would ban gasoline cars by 2040. Which will be a real surprise for the people currently stuck on the 405 Freeway who will just be getting to their exit in 2040.

A bill in California would ban gasoline cars by 2040. The only problem will be keeping everyone from getting tangled up in all those five-mile long extension cords.

A study says air pollution wipes out all the benefits of exercise. Which is bad news for both of the pedestrians in Los Angeles.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to stop in Billings, Montana for a pit stop after the restrooms filled up. When airline officials heard about a bathroom break in Billings, Montana, they wondered if that actually happened or was just a metaphor.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to stop in Billings, Montana for a pit stop after the restrooms filled up. The worst part for the pilot was dealing with 200 passengers who kept asking “Are we there yet?”

Al Franken is expected to resign from the Senate today. His political career has as much chance of continuing as there is for a sequel to his Stuart Smalley movie.

Al Franken is expected to resign from the Senate today. At least he may have a job waiting to play himself in the inevitable skits on “Saturday Night Live.”

A man in Washington State told police that Donald Trump ordered him to fight “the lizard people.” Which makes it seem like Donald Trump is overreacting to Jeff Flake by taking it out on all those Arizona seniors.

A Rhode Island school committee is opposing a gun range set to be built near an elementary school. Supporters say it will give students a chance to practice their aim so they will be less likely to hit innocent bystanders when they go on a rampage.

He UN is warning that 17 Million babies worldwide are breathing in toxic air. The good news is that their bodies will be completely used to it by the time they are adults.

California is blaming Wells Fargo for 1,500 fake insurance policies. The worst part is the policies were sold to protect the people against illegal actions by Wells Fargo.

California is blaming Wells Fargo for 1,500 fake insurance policies. The rest of all the fake insurance policies as usual are being blamed on Obamacare.

A U.S. airlines trade group says 51 Million passengers will fly over the 21 day winter holiday season. The airlines say they can handle it, guaranteeing they will all arrive back home no later than June.

Ford says it won’t rush bringing autonomous cars to the market. In other words, they are not even close to figuring out how to build a self-driving vehicle.

Ford says it won’t rush bringing autonomous cars to the market. They want to have the vehicles completely ready to be able to drive themselves back to the dealer for all the anticipated recalls.

An economist with S&P says a government shutdown would hurt the economy. Mostly from having all those Americans wasting all that valuable time waiting for the food stamp, welfare and unemployment offices to open back up again.

Los Angeles is set to become the largest city in the country with recreational pot. The bad part is that traffic is still so bad in the city that even stoners stuck on the 405 Freeway will be yelling “Come on, let’s step on the gas!”

Pokemon GO has added 50 new creatures along with weather related effects. The weather effects are there mostly to prepare video gamers what it is like to actually be outside for once.

Walmart has dropped their hyphen and the word “store” from their title to show they are more than brick and mortar. Although they stopped short making it a literal description of their business with “Buildings Full O’ Rednecks.”

A government report says the U.S. healthcare tab as $3.3 Trillion in 2016. By looking at the general shape of most Americans, someone should be asking for a refund.

A Florida eye doctor used a math teacher to challenge his arrest for stealing $100 Million from Medicare. Apparently he is blaming it on the schools that his math is so bad he was off nine places with his decimal point.

A study says intense workouts may boost a person’s memory. Mostly just to make them remember why they quit exercising in the first place.

The maker of Viagra will offer its own cheaper generic version of the drug. Which brings up the question of what would then be the point of buying the name brand?

The maker of Viagra will offer its own cheaper generic version of the drug. Mostly for men who don’t want the drug’s price to also be stiff.

A report says fake makeup products can be a health hazard for women. In other words, don’t be taken for a ruse with your rouge.

A report says fake makeup products can be a health hazard for women. Anyone selling fake mascara should be given thirty lashes.

Donald Trump as President was runner-up for Time’s Person of the Year award to women who spoke up against sexual harassment. Which is ironic in that if more women had come forward, he wouldn’t have become President in the first place.

A former winner on “Jeopardy!” is charged with computer crimes at a small college in Michigan. The tough part will be when she makes a plea bargain by saying “I’ll take 5 to 10 years with a $10,000 fine, Alex.”

A former winner on “Jeopardy!” is charged with computer crimes at a small college in Michigan. The annoying part was when she was being interrogated and made all of her statements in the form of a question.

A former winner on “Jeopardy!” is charged with computer crimes at a small college in Michigan. Fortunately for authorities, she was caught breaking into the system when she rang in early.

Rafael Palmeiro is reportedly considering a comeback to baseball at age 53. The worst part is that instead of steroids, his drug tests will come back positive for Centrum Silver.

Rafael Palmeiro is reportedly considering a comeback to baseball at age 53. Not to say he is getting old, but when he tells people he is going “to the park” they assume he means he is on his way to throw some bocce balls.

Rafael Palmeiro is reportedly considering a comeback to baseball at age 53. Even Jamie Moyer is saying “Give it a rest, old man.”

Ronda Rousey is finalizing details for a move to WWE and wrestling. Apparently she is giving up her patented move of the armbar for the more traditional fighting strategy of hitting people in the back with a folding chair.

Former quarterback Warren Moon is being accused of sexual harassment. Apparently he would walk around the office without pants and tell his women coworkers they have all been “Mooned.”

California wildfires have forced the cancellation of a UCLA basketball game against Montana. The worst part is that now LiAngelo Ball is being suspected of arson.

A report says LaMelo Ball’s chance to play at UCLA will end when he signs a contract with a sports agent. At 16, he will become the first person to do his one-and-done in high school.

Steve Garvey may be considered for the Baseball Hall of Fame by the Modern Era Committee. Although with nine kids, of which two were born out of wedlock it sounds like a more natural fit would be induction into the NBA Hall of Fame.

Steve Garvey may be considered for the Baseball Hall of Fame by the Modern Era Committee. A great hitter, with nine kids, of which two were born out of wedlock he was always known for his proficiency with the wood.

Tonya Harding attended the premier of the movie “I, Tonya.” That was the film where all the actors became very nervous when anyone told them to “break a leg.”

Gaming company Steam says it will no longer take Bitcoins as payment. Mostly because it’s tough to make change for a $24.95 video game from a $13,000 piece of virtual currency.

A new spacesuit will be able to rescue astronauts who become lost in space. And there is nothing worse for an astronaut than when they can’t find Uranus. (It’s old, it’s predictable, it’s juvenile. But still always funny!)

A new spacesuit will be able to rescue astronauts who become lost in space. You would think by now Google Maps would be accurate at least all the way through Saturn.

Scientists in England say they have found a way to reverse aging. Apparently it has something to do with not ever having children.

Scientists in England say they have found a way to reverse aging. Although it is always skeptical when news like that comes from the country that gave us “Dr. Who” and his time machine.

Scientists say Jupiter’s moon Europa may have plate tectonics. That’s good news as we can always colonize it with people from Southern California who are already used to living with earthquakes.

A report says homeless numbers have risen for the first time in seven years. Mostly from all the powerful men like Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose being kicked out of their homes by their wives.


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That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. If you have any questions or comments, you can always reach me at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I always write back, mostly because I have nothing better to do all day. Also because it makes me feel great when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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