Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The U.S. will beef up security at Middle Eastern embassies ahead of Donald Trump’s planned visit. Or as increased security at a U.S. embassy in the Middle East is otherwise known as, “Tuesday.”

A study says Millennials are now the biggest voting group in the U.S. Which will mean absolutely nothing to any politician until people can actually start voting with their cellphones.

A study says Millennials are now the biggest voting group in the U.S. Which would be big news if any of them actually ever got off the couch on election day and voted.

A study says Washington, D.C. has the highest percentage of heavy drinkers. Which doesn’t surprise anyone who has tried to read the GOP tax bill.

A study says Washington, D.C. has the highest percentage of heavy drinkers. Mostly the members of Congress who know it’s a matter of time before the women they have sexually harassed will come forward.

A group of lawyers is suing California because too many kids can’t read. If the schools really want kids to learn how to read, they will make the process available on an app.

Wisconsin is planning to drug test all food stamp recipients. Although instead of testing them, it would be easier to catch the ones who are high because they are using their food stamps to buy only pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

Wisconsin is planning to drug test all food stamp recipients. The real test for drug use is being poor enough to need food stamps but deciding to still live in Wisconsin.

A report says new robots can “see” into their future. Which is really bad when the new robot at work keeps coming into your office to size it up for redecoration.

Japan Airlines says it could use supersonic jets to fly from San Francisco to Tokyo in six hours. Which along with Bay Area traffic and TSA security checkpoints means the entire trip could be done in just under 32 hours.

Japan Airlines says it could use supersonic jets to fly from San Francisco to Tokyo in six hours. United Airlines flight attendants would love supersonic jets just so they could fly faster than the sound of all the passengers’ complaints.

Millions of people in Tokyo will take part in North Korean nuclear attack exercises. Or they could just go through the same motions they did after Fukushima.

Russia has been banned from the upcoming winter Olympics. Which is really unfortunate as the Trump Administration was counting on their judges to help influence the U.S. winning the gold medal count.

A report says Rex Tillerson got a “cold shoulder” on his trip to Europe. Which is unusual for any members of the administration as that is usually the reception they all get just from Donald Trump.

A recently discovered book by a 15th Century trade merchant says the way to succeed in business is to be charitable, ethical and treat people fairly. Which shows the book was obviously written before the advent of airlines.

A recently discovered book by a 15th Century trade merchant says the way to succeed in business is to be charitable, ethical and treat people fairly. 600 years later, the idea is do the opposite and just paste the name “Trump” on everything.

A recently discovered book by a 15th Century trade merchant says the way to succeed in business is to be charitable, ethical and treat people fairly. That’s like a political book telling candidates to be honest, trustworthy and work for the people.

An MIT expert says women will at some point rule the world. Which immediately got Hillary Clinton fans excited about running in 2020, 2024 and 2028.

A report says one of the top layaway items for Christmas at Sears is diamond engagement rings. Mostly so the men can save up for the half of what they will lose after the eventual divorce.

A report says one of the top layaway items for Christmas at Sears is diamond engagement rings. People were surprised. There are shoppers who have confidence Sears will be around through Christmas?

Chipotle is reportedly changing the recipe of their queso dip. How bad is it when you can’t even put cheese in a bowl and melt it in the microwave?

The top gossip editor at the National Enquirer is being accused of sexual misconduct. Although for now it is just a rumor.

The top gossip editor at the National Enquirer is being accused of sexual misconduct. Which is pretty big considering the gossip editor at the National Enquirer is pretty much the CEO.

UPS is warning of temporary delays after Cyber Monday overwhelmed their network. Which a widespread delay at UPS is known as a “Brown out.”

Massage Envy says allegations of sexual misconduct at the spas are “heartbreaking.” Although for most men not as heartbreaking as going to a spa for a massage and just getting a massage.

A Trump Administration rule could force low-wage workers to share tips. Which apparently is Trump’s idea on how to finally address income inequality.

FEMA staffers could have overtime pay clawed back because of the busy hurricane season. Which shows that FEMA is great at working through natural disasters, just not the one in their own front office.

Donald Trump’s nominee for the Board of Governors at the Fed says he is no fan of the concept of paper money. Which is no big deal to most Americans who haven’t had anything but loose change in their pockets since the 2007 economic crash.

A report says airlines may ban smartbags from most U.S. flights. Mostly because it’s embarrassing to deal with luggage that has more brains than the baggage handlers.

A report says airlines may ban smartbags from most U.S. flights. The airlines feel they are quite capable of sending luggage destined for Atlanta instead to Detroit without any help.

A report says airlines may ban smartbags from most U.S. flights. Mostly because a bag that is really smart would never allow itself to be put in the cargo hold on a United flight in the first place.

YouTube is addressing a content crisis with 10,000 people who will be reviewing videos. Which wouldn’t be a problem if the whole idea of YouTube wasn’t about 2 Billion people around the world doing nothing but reviewing videos all day.

YouTube is addressing a content crisis with 10,000 people who will be reviewing videos. The only question is how much will they have to pay those people to watch an endless look of videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker?

Researchers say they have pinpointed a rare piece of DNA that may shield against Alzheimer’s Disease. Now if they could only remember where they put it.

A company is making a family-sized mattress for families that like to co-sleep. Which means they have designed a bed for the American lifestyle that holds five people and twelve pizzas.

A study says women are naturally more fit than men. Mostly because men can only fit into anything that has the word “relaxed” in the description.

A study says women are naturally more fit than men. Which they have to be, especially in order to outrun coworkers like Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose.

A study says men and women are different at expressing feelings, in their hobbies and with their parenting. Mostly in the fact that men just don’t do any of those.

Scientists say they can predict which babies will be left-handed before they are born. Which is great news for sports agents who will now start trying to ink future relief pitchers in-utero.

John Mayer was taken to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. Which is not a big deal since he is a guitar player and won’t mind losing an organ.

John Mayer was taken to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. It was just lucky for him none of his ex-girlfriends were around the Operating Room when it came time to look for someone who was willing to slice into him.

ABC says Brian Ross will no longer cover stories involving Donald Trump. Which is bad news for a network reporter because what else is there anymore?

LaVar and LiAngelo Ball explained the shoplifting incident in China. In basketball terms, it came down to three steals with an assist to Donald Trump.

Steve Alford says he is surprised LiAngelo Ball is leaving UCLA, saying after returning from China he has gone to all his classes, and met with his mentors and tutors. What do they think he is, some kind of student?

Steve Alford says he is surprised LiAngelo Ball is leaving UCLA, saying after returning from China he has gone to all his classes, and met with his mentors and tutors. He is worried they may expect him to do some of that work himself.

Falcons head coach Dan Quinn says fans are enjoying the new stadium’s amenities too much to make any noise. Although when paying $1.6 Billion for something stamped with the name “Mercedes,” most people expect a quiet interior.

Former Braves General Manager John Coppolella has apologized for his actions that resulted in a lifetime ban. It must have been really serious to lose a job over something that wasn’t about sexual harassment.

Former Braves General Manager John Coppolella has apologized for his actions that resulted in a lifetime ban. The question of making an apology once you have been banned for life is “Why bother?”

A study says one third of teenage girls are sexually harassed online. The other two thirds are just lucky in that at age 70, Roy Moore has lost a step.

A former NSA agent has pleaded guilty to taking classified data home where it was accessed by Russian operatives. Or as the Trump Administration calls that, cutting out the middleman.

A new GM app allows people to order Starbucks coffee while driving. Which allows them to have a refreshment to enjoy while waiting for the tow truck to arrive to take them in for the latest recall.

A doodle by Donald Trump sold at auction for $20,000. Which just proves that every way he comes up with to make money is usually sketchy.

Steve Bannon slammed Mitt Romney for not serving in Vietnam and for his kids avoiding the service. Not only that, he is rich. Who does he think he is, Donald Trump?

Steve Bannon ripped Mitt Romney for criticizing Roy Moore, saying Romney is “still bitter. Which is understandable seeing as Donald Trump is still bitter and he won the election.

Steve Bannon mocked Jeff Flake for donating a $100 check to Roy Moore’s Senate race opponent. If he was a real Alabaman he would have donated some used tires, a fishing pole and some PVC outdoor furniture.

The House is poised to pass a bill that would allow carrying concealed weapons in all states. The question is what do you honestly think would happen if you tried to carry that same weapon within five miles of the Capitol Building?

The House is poised to pass a bill that would allow carrying concealed weapons in all states. Apparently Congress not only expects Roy Moore to be elected but is commemorating it by turning the entire country into Alabama.

The Trump Administration says the number of border crossings has dropped. Which is either a sign that Donald Trump’s immigration policies are working or that people see us like that other country no one is sneaking into, North Korea.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The good news is that I am finally feeling better after my bout with the flu. The bad news is that as a hypochondriac, I now have one less illness to spend my time worrying about. Never fear, I will find something. Just like I find material to come up with lame jokes every day. Which gives everyone else bedridden with the flu something to do with their time. Funny how everything seems to work out. Now that I am on the road to recovery, I will be able to feel even better when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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