Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump’s lawyer says the President can’t obstruct justice. Which is what happens when you work for someone who thinks no one would care if he shoots someone in the middle of 5th Avenue.

A human “ken doll” says he will have his 60th plastic surgery even if it kills him. The good part is that he will not lose any value as he will be buried in the original box.

A study says more screen time is linked to a higher risk of suicidal thoughts in teenagers. Which is not that big of a deal since the ones who never get off the couch looking at devices all day will be dead before they are 30 anyway.

A report says chatbot therapy is becoming more common. You can tell your therapist is a robot when it has you lie down on a Craftmatic adjustable couch.

Border patrol agents are getting sick from a sewage spill in Mexico. The only way to combat the bad water it is to bring in agents recruited from Flint, Michigan.

UPS drivers are set to demonstrate against 70 hour work weeks during the Christmas season. Which makes it the one time that mixing the green and red together doesn’t make Brown.

A report says trust in the media has grown under Donald Trump. Especially from Trump supporters who finally believe the media when they cover Trump’s tweets accusing all the news of being fake.

A lab is making the first video game that will be prescribed to patients. Which works out as most kids using it will come already addicted.

An implosion of the Pontiac Silverdome failed on the first attempt. If Detroit wanted a stadium that would fall apart, they should have had it made by Chrysler.

Lamborghini has introduced its first SUV. Having a truck made by Lamborghini is about as practical as Armani designing a leisure suit.

A report says the average monthly transportation cost for a family is $750 a month. Mostly because of all the family members being constantly driving different places to get away from each other.

A report says some men are allergic to sex. Mostly the ones who got divorced after cheating and realized the sex cost them half of everything they own.

Donald Trump has endorsed Ray Moore for the Senate. Mostly because despite his problems, he is still a beacon of virtue compared to everyone that Trump has hired.

Former presidential candidate John Anderson has died at age 95. To show how old he was, he had proposed a 50 cent a gallon gas tax at a time when people would have actually noticed it.

Senator Charles Grassley says the estate tax hurts people who invest, and not people who waste their money on “booze, women and movies.” In other words, millionaires are people who have never gone on a date.

Senator Charles Grassley says the estate tax hurts people who invest, because others waste their money on “booze, women and movies.” Instead, wealthy people work for companies that pay for all that out of the corporate sexual harassment slush fund.

Senator Charles Grassley says the estate tax on more than $11.2 Million doesn’t affect people who waste their money on “booze, women and movies.” Like Matt Lauer who spent more than that and doesn’t even drink or go to movies.

The Winklevoss twins have become the first Bitcoin billionaires. That’s nothing. They still have the first billion dollars they made with Monopoly money.

The New York Giants fired their general manager and head coach. Apparently it was bad enough to lose the tenth game of the season, but it was just too tough on top of that coming at the hands of the Raiders.

Donald Trump endorsed Roy Moore for Senate, saying “Go get ‘em!” Which is exactly what Moore said when he was in his 30s and saw a high school cheerleader.

California Governor Jerry Brown says about the GOP tax plan that Republicans are “acting like a bunch of Mafia thugs.” What else is to be expected when the person running the show made his living in the casino industry?

A video shows astronauts on the ISS making a zero-gravity pizza. Although they will be dealing with the full effects of the gravity of that pizza when they hop on a scale back on Earth.

Starbucks has opened its first store in Trenton, New Jersey featuring colorful graffiti artwork. Mostly because in Trenton, it was eventually going to feature colorful graffiti whether they wanted it or not.

The merger between CVS and Aetna is a health care giant not built around doctors. Which is fine until customers find out their prostate exam is going to be done by the guy behind the film counter.

The first text message was sent out 25 years ago, saying “Merry Christmas.” Which in just a quarter century, the medium went from Christmas greetings to jail time for Anthony Weiner.

The first text message was sent out 25 years ago, saying “Merry Christmas.” Since that fateful day, young people’s thumbs around the world have never been the same.

A study says heavy pot use is linked to a rare vomiting illness. It’s called getting high and eating three large pizzas at one sitting from Little Caesar’s.

A study says even non-heart surgery can harm a patient’s heart. Mostly when their insurance company notifies them their policy doesn’t cover any of the bills.

Bill O’Reilly is being sued for defamation by one of his accusers. His defense is that defaming people is just part of the business model he used while at Fox News.

Ed Sheeran says Beyonce changes her e-mail every week. Mostly ever since someone gave Ed Sheeran Beyonce’s e-mail address.

Ed Sheeran says Beyonce changes her e-mail every week. People were surprised. Who still uses e-mail?

Ed Sheeran says Beyonce changes her e-mail every week. Apparently she got the idea from Jay-Z as a way to avoid all the threats sent to him by Solange.

Seattle is moving ahead with an arena remodel to attract an NBA and NHL team. If they want it to be long lasting, they should have the remodeling done by the demolition company that tried to take down the Silverdome.

Seattle is moving ahead with an arena remodel to attract an NBA and NHL team. Seattle has deeper problems than an arena to deal with if it managed to lose the Supersonics to Oklahoma City.

LaVar Ball has pulled his son LiAngelo out of UCLA. Apparently he couldn’t keep up with the cost of paying off both his son’s tuition and bail bonds.

The Lakers are imposing a “LaVar Ball rule” to keep the media away from the controversial parent. When Lakers management talks about “Staples,” they don’t mean the arena as much as what they would like to use on LaVar’s lips.

The New Orleans Pelicans say an MRI of Anthony Davis’ pelvis shows no structural damage. Which is exactly the same thing that was said about the Silverdome after the first attempt to blow it up.

The New York Attorney General and 28 Senators have called for a delay on the FCC vote over net neutrality because of fake comments on the public record. Which the FCC says wouldn’t have happened in the first place if they got rid of net neutrality.

Facebook has launched “Messenger Kids” for children under 13. Mostly so preteens can get into online conversations to find out which kids at school are the latest to have contracted Cooties.

Facebook has launched “Messenger Kids” for children under 13. Mostly as a shortcut for perverts who don’t have all day to stalk kids on Myspace.

A survey says Millennials do most of their holiday shopping online. Which makes sense to shop with their phones for everyone on their list as they have never actually looked up from a screen to ever actually meet any of them in person.

Amazon drones are being designed to self-destruct in emergencies for safety. Pretty much like all the cheap crap from Amazon they will be delivering.

Nancy Pelosi says the GOP tax plan is the “worst bill in the history of Congress.” Although she needs to give it a little more time since it is only the first one passed under Donald Trump.

Donald Trump says the FBI’s reputation is in “tatters” and is the “worst in history.” Although that will all mean nothing the day someone finally uncovers all those pictures of J. Edgar Hoover parading around in a housedress and heels.

Arizona is considering a bill to outlaw wearing a mask to a public event. Which could make it very rough on the catchers on both teams during any home games for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Matt Lauer says he will retire to focus on his family. He had better hope his wife has no intent to focus on him since that would probably only be through a rifle scope.

Matt Lauer says he will retire to focus on his family. Which is hard to imagine his wife is crazy about the idea of having him around the house even more right now.

Matt Lauer says he will retire to focus on his family. The worst part is when Lauer found out his wife went to see Santa Claus at the mall to give him her Christmas wish list and she arrived with her lawyer.

McDonald’s is bringing back its dollar menu, but also features items for $2 and $3. Mostly to help the country as the restaurant chain knows Donald Trump eats most his meals there and this move could cut the national deficit in half.

The Supreme Court is allowing Donald Trump’s travel ban to go in effect for now. Although the Trump Administration is disappointed in the timing because this is traditionally the terrorist tourism offseason.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Wow, less than three weeks until Christmas. Then another week until the end of the year. Then another year is done. Then I get depressed about where my life is at. Then I start the new year thinking everything will get better. Then I realize I never learn. Then I say what the heck. Then I get very happy when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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