Sunday, December 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Michael Flynn has pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI. After which he was scolded by Donald Trump, who told him the only way to get away with it is to lie to everyone.

Former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn has pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI. His biggest lie was having an interest in doing anything for national security.

Matt Lauer’s ex-wife defended him after he was fired for sexual harassment. The question being if he is such a great guy, why is she now his ex-wife?

Matt Lauer’s ex-wife defended him after he was fired for sexual harassment. It will be interesting to see if his current wife defends him when she also soon becomes his ex-wife.

Matt Lauer reportedly wants to be paid the final $30 Million on his NBC contract after being fired for sexual harassment. He is asking for the money after issuing numerous apologies, which shows that he is sorry but he isn’t crazy.

Matt Lauer reportedly wants to be paid the final $30 Million on his NBC contract after being fired for sexual harassment. NBC is denying the request as they need the money to put in a slush fund to pay off all their settlements for sexual harassment.

Geraldo Rivera has apologized to Bette Midler and other women in his “tawdry” memoirs. Although most people are still waiting for him to apologize for that TV special on the opening of Al Capone’s vault.

A report says robots will replace one third of the U.S. workforce by 2030. In TV newsrooms they will be mostly sex robots to people like Charley Rose, Matt Lauer and Bill O’Reilly can harass them and quit bothering the human women.

Russia is calling threats to destroy North Korea a “bloodthirsty tirade.” They’re saying this now? Have they never seen any of the other tweets from Donald Trump?

The world’s longest-lasting rainbow was reported in Taiwan, appearing for more than 9 hours. The only ones lasting longer are the permanent rainbows on every B&B in San Francisco.

A study says New York City rats have evolved into uptown and downtown breeds. The downtown rats are the ones that say “What’re YOU lookin’ at?”

A European satellite shows levels of air pollution concentrations around the planet. Do we really need a satellite to see that? How about surveillance cameras that can’t see anything more than three feet away in downtown Beijing?

A McDonald’s manager stands to make $110,000 for helping catch a Tampa serial killer. If the manager really wanted to stop the mass killings, she could start by unplugging her French fry machine.

Honduras will count the final 1,000 boxes of votes in the presidential election by hand. Apparently they don’t remember how well that worked out when Florida tried that in 2000.

Prosecutors are seeking a 7 year sentence for a Volkswagen manager over the diesel emissions scandal. They think defense attorneys’ attempts at anything less are just a smoke screen.

The NCAA has slapped Ole Miss with a two year bowl ban. That means they will have to sit out the post-season along with the two other colleges that don’t qualify.

A report says the 2007 financial crisis is finally over. Meaning all Americans are now equally broke.

A report says the 2007 financial crisis is finally over. To which bank executives who weren’t prosecuted and whose institutions were bailed out are saying “What crisis?”

Chipotle has tweaked its widely panned queso recipe to make it creamier and more delicious. Apparently customers felt it just wasn’t same without that familiar E.coli-ee taste they have become so used to.

Walgreens has a new slogan, “Trusted since 1901.” Although there is already a controversy as that is the same slogan being considered for the 2020 presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders.

The World Book Encyclopedia, owned by Warren Buffet is celebrating 100 years. It is still useful as the only place people can still find the term “encyclopedia.”

The World Book Encyclopedia, owned by Warren Buffet is celebrating 100 years. It is hoping to one day compete with Wikipedia by making it so people can erase the text and write in their own misinformation.

A study says men who bald early have a higher risk for heart disease. Mostly from the extra stress of knowing that they are pretty much resigned to dying alone.

A study says men who bald early have a higher risk for heart disease. Which brings up the question as to whether having hair transplants could cancel out having to eventually need a heart transplant.

A study says gum disease bacteria is tied to esophageal cancer. The question being just how far down are we supposed to go with that toothbrush?

A California woman used Instagram to lose 100 pounds. Apparently all it took was to post pictures that motivated her to lose weight from all the constant fat shaming.

Rhode Island has ordered a hospital to stop performing any surgeries because of safety issues. Which means a hospital that doesn’t do surgeries is now pretty much just a very expensive hotel.

A study says resistance to the antibiotic ampicillin may have begun back in the 1960s. In fact, there hasn’t been a movement for more resistance to anything until Donald Trump was elected.

A report says 14% of teens who committed suicide in Utah had recently lost privileges to their electronic devices. The other 86% killed themselves because they couldn’t get out of Utah.

A report says 14% of teens who committed suicide in Utah had recently lost privileges to their electronic devices. Apparently their dads took away the devices and even all five of their moms couldn’t get them back.

The 36th season of “Survivor” has been announced by CBS. Which is only fitting for a network where 90% of the audience is on life support.

Prince George reportedly asked only for a toy police car for Christmas. Apparently he wanted a real police car but knew a toy one would be more practical to play with in the limousine ride on the way to the private jet.

Tiger Woods’ odds of winning the Masters dropped from 50-1 to 15-1 following his hot start at the Hero World Challenge. The only way the odds will go back up again is if he is allowed to drive himself to the golf course.

Mike Huckabee slammed Sorts Illustrated for giving Colin Kaepernick the Ali Legacy Award. He says the real sports heroes are the GOP Senators who put their necks on the line to give team owners billions of dollars in tax breaks.

A report says Derek Jeter is having a tough go starting out as a team owner, firing a scout days after cancer surgery. Wouldn’t you know in all his years around all those Yankees greats, he ended up learning the most from George Steinbrenner.

The NFL is committing $90 Million to social justice causes. Which is ironic as that is the same amount of money all those teams saved by not signing Colin Kaepernick.

The NFL is committing $90 Million to social justice causes. That’s the most they have put into a social justice project since letting Michael Vick back into the league.

The Super Bowl Live concert series will feature a tribute to Prince. If they really get nostalgic they may even hire several strippers to commemorate the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.

Jennifer Lopez says Alex Rodriguez should manage the Yankees. That didn’t go over well with most Yankees fans who are now calling her “Jenny with the blockhead.”

NBA TV viewership is reportedly up 32%, the highest since 2010. Mostly because baseball is over, football is too controversial and it’s too confusing to decide which news programming is the least fake.

Phil Mickelson has announced his brother, former sports agent Tim Mickelson as his new full-time caddie. Going from agent to caddie is a natural as both professions are about being a bagman.

Nobel Prize-winning economist Joseph Stiglitz says the Bitcoin ought to be outlawed. Mostly because today’s value may be worth $11,000 but by next week they could be on the same exchange rate as Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

The Nike Zoom Vaporfly is being called the most efficient in terms of energy required to run ever. That and the fact that most people buying them will run a lot faster with their wallets now $400 lighter.

Elon Musk says he wants to build a high speed transit system to go from downtown Chicago to O’Hare Airport in 20 minutes. That will get travelers there in plenty of time to sit through the entire 8 hours of delays before their flight finally takes off.

A Hawaii warning siren test could barely be heard at a popular tourist beach. Apparently they are going to have to use the alternative of having someone in native dress start blowing into a conch shell.

A Hawaii warning siren test could barely be heard at a popular tourist beach. Mostly because of hearing loss due to old age in the beach regulars Moondoggie, Gidget and the Big Kahuna.

A study says reducing helmet use could prevent concussions. Mostly from the head injuries with no helmet bypassing concussion and going straight to skull fracture.

A study says reducing helmet use could prevent concussions. Which sounds like the ones who really need to be wearing helmets are the researchers doing the study.

A study says warm climates make people more open and agreeable. If that is true, why is Florida the one state that has all the “stand your ground” laws?

A study says warm climates make people more open and agreeable. If that is true, why is there so much fighting going on when it comes to global warming?

Four major cities in Texas are listed as the top places to wipe out debt. Mostly because there is no college loan debt in a state where education pretty much ends after the third grade.

Maryland has begun selling medical marijuana for the first time. Which won’t have that much effect in Baltimore until medicinal pot can be proven to show some real benefits for gunshot victims.

Libbey Glass has recalled bourbon glasses that may break with normal use. Especially when normal use means after drinking too much bourbon the glasses are smashed over someone’s head.

India is considering jailing men who attempt “instant divorce.” In the U.S. there is certainly no jail time involved with instant divorce, at least not when it was tried by O.J. Simpson.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I managed to crawl out of my sick bed to produce yet another issue of high-grade topical jokes. Which means the only thing that was really high-grade was the fever that made me delirious enough to make that statement. I must be mistaken, but I was sure getting the flu shot was supposed to prevent you from getting the flu. I guess it just gives it to you so you don’t have to waste all that time and take all those precautions wondering whether you will become infected. Anyway, I am feeling better which means you are still on the hook for all my jokes through the week. Of course, the one thing that is guaranteed to make me feel better is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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