Friday, December 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Police in Wisconsin arrested a hairstylist for giving a client a terrible haircut. What’s more, it could put his other job in jeopardy cutting hair at the White House.

A report says Baby Boomers are looking to reinvent themselves by trying college again. This way they can pay off their college tuition loans at the same time they retire from their new job at age 93.

Dr. Phil is being accused of giving alcohol and drugs to addicts ahead of tapings. Most people thought he just needed to give them out to help his audience sit through an entire show.

China is reportedly offering U.S. companies tax incentives to stay. Their slogan for the deal is “And child labor gets to stay for free!”

China is reportedly offering U.S. companies tax incentives to stay. Apparently they have to keep up with Donald Trump who not only cut taxes but now promises “Cheap labor, no government oversight and all the pollution you can make!”

Apple CEO Tim Cook was paid $102 Million in 2017. To pay for that salary, Apple has to sell as many as three iMacs, seven iPads and 10 iPhone Xs.

A report says Americans average nearly 14 alcoholic drinks a week. Which at that point is pretty much like saying “Just give me the bottle.”

A report says Americans average nearly 14 alcoholic drinks a week. Which makes it so every day is like a two drink minimum.

A report says Americans average nearly 14 alcoholic drinks a week. It’s especially bad for people who watch cable news and drink a shot every time Donald Trump says “loser,” “weak” or “moron.”

Police say a Houston woman vandalized $300,000 worth of art on a date with a lawyer. It’s too bad the collection wasn’t modern art in which case no one would have really been able to tell.

Police say a Houston woman named Lindy Lou Layman vandalized $300,000 worth of art on a date with a lawyer. People were just surprised to see a lawyer dating a Layman.

Police say a Houston woman vandalized $300,000 worth of art works on a date with a lawyer. Fellow Texans were saddened at the thought of all those ruined black velvet paintings of Elvis.

A study says 5% of media coverage of Donald Trump is positive. Which is still 4% more positive than any of Trump’s tweets about his opponents.

A study says 5% of media coverage of Donald Trump is positive. Which is still 5% more positive than anything Trump has ever said about the media.

Roy Moore has lost an attempt to overturn his Senate election loss because of voter fraud. Which is tough to believe claims the numbers were off by someone who can’t even count to 18.

Charges are pending against two brothers, one of which illegally boarded the same Nippon Airways flight to Tokyo instead of the flight he booked on United. If both had sneaked on the United flight instead, at least they could have pleaded insanity.

Merrimack College in Massachusetts is offering a social justice major with “real world learning in the field.” Which means when students are not in the classroom they will instead be protesting something on campus.

Israel’s agriculture minister has joined religious leaders in praying for rain to end a drought. Although you would think they would come up with a different plan after 5,000 years of prayer for peace hasn’t worked all that well, either.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has been ordered by the company to only fly by private jet. Which can also means he is preparing for an appointment to a position in the Trump Administration.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has been ordered by the company to only fly by private jet. To which everyone in the world would respond with “Well, if you insist…”

Doug Jones has been certified as Alabama’s first Democratic Senator in 25 years. Which made for a big celebration for Jones and the state’s other resident Democrat.

A report says all homes in the U.S. have a total value of $31.8 Trillion. Which means excluding the homes in Silicon Valley, that net worth drops to $480,000.

The TSA is on pace to collect 4,000 firearms from airline passengers in 2017. Mostly travelers who want to make sure no one tries to drag them off their United flight.

Jack in the Box will start to sell “Merry Munchie Meals” aimed at pot smokers. Although the way to appeal to stoners is to just be open selling any food at 3:00 AM.

Jack in the Box will start to sell “Merry Munchie Meals” aimed at pot smokers. The way to tell someone is stoned is when they go looking for food at Jack in the Box.

A survey says 38% of Americans feel a recession is coming in 2018. The rest are asking when did we get out of the one that started back in 2007?

A survey says 38% of Americans feel a recession is coming in 2018. The other 62% are convinced it will be more like a full-blown Depression.

A report says Russia is planning to build a luxury hotel on the International Space Station. Which is going to have to go a long ways to compete with Donald Trump giving NASA the go ahead to build him a golf course on the Moon.

A report says Russia is planning to build a luxury hotel on the International Space Station. The bad part will be the minibar that charges $4,000 for a Space Food Stick and glass of Tang.

Claire’s is recalling cosmetics that may contain asbestos. Ironically, the line was made to cover wrinkles and sunken eyes for women with mesothelioma.

Lindsay Lohan says she is OK after being bitten by a snake on vacation in Thailand. To which most people are asking “Vacation from what?”

Lindsay Lohan says she is OK after being bitten by a snake on vacation in Thailand. Her luck really needs to turn around because lately she seems really snakebit.

Comedian Iliza Shlesinger is being sued for turning away men from a “women’s only” comedy show. People were surprised. There are men who find women comedians funny?

Carly Rae Jepsen will be performing a free concert on a Carnival cruise ship. Mostly for any passengers who will listen while she is on break from swabbing the deck.

Carly Rae Jepsen will be performing a free concert on a Carnival cruise ship. As for any paid gigs, the cruise line told her agent “We’ll call you. Maybe.”

U2’s Bono revealed he nearly died recently. Which means someone really needs to take that bicycle away from him for good.

Solange canceled a performance due to a diagnosis of Autonomic Disorder which controls involuntary functions. One of which apparently is the involuntary urge to beat down Jay-Z when she rides an elevator.

Mark Hamill says he regrets criticizing Luke Skywalker’s direction in “The Last Jedi.” Mostly because he knows it’s not a good idea to get on the bad side of the people who have given him the only paying gig he has had since 1977.

The Steelers are planning to bench several players against the winless Browns on Sunday. Not only do they want to protect their stars for the playoffs, they want to keep the game interesting past the opening kickoff.

Johnny Manziel has received league approval for a contract in the Canadian Football League. Apparently they feel living in Cleveland for two years has more than paid off his debt to society.

A Georgia attorney filed a motion with a judge to delay his case until after he can travel to California for the Rose Bowl. Which is fine with everyone except possibly his client who will be sitting in a cell at least until he gets back.

A Georgia attorney filed a motion with a judge to delay his case until after he can go to California for the Rose Bowl. The worst part will be when his clients get their bill and realize the fees have suddenly gone up to cover travel expenses.

A Georgia attorney filed a motion with a judge to delay his case until after he can go to California for the Rose Bowl. It’s just a good thing the lawyers didn’t think of that idea for their client during the O.J. Simpson trial.

An Indiana lawmaker is proposing a bill to refund Colts fans ticket money if any players take a knee during the National Anthem. Although a more popular idea might be offering refunds to fans having to watch a team with a 3-12 record.

Apple says they are sorry for slowing down older iPhones. Apparently they were just being nostalgic for the days when iPhones had an exclusive deal with AT&T.

Microsoft is working on a campaign to make passwords obsolete. And who knows how to make something obsolete better than the company that gave us Windows?

A 37 story, unfinished skyscraper in China is being sold online for $85 Million. The only people interested are those waiting for the windfall from cashing in their Bitcoins once the price hits $1 Million.

A Cal Tech physicist is working on making the largest perfect snowflake ever. Apparently someone needs to send the Southern California physicist to Syracuse for a weekend to show him it’s already been done.

A Cal Tech physicist is working on making the largest perfect snowflake ever. Or is that just a subplot from a recent episode of “The Big Bang Theory”?

Antivirus founder John McAfee says his Twitter account has been hacked. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have access to someone who knows something about computer security.

Robots have been developed that can mimic humans down to sweating while they do pushups. The problem was before they could get them to mimic humans sweating while doing pushups was finding any humans who can still do pushups.

A Russian weather satellite launch failed when the rocket was programmed with the wrong coordinates. Until a new satellite can be built, the Russian weather forecasts will continue with the usual “It’s still cold.”

A Russian weather satellite launch failed when the rocket was programmed with the wrong coordinates. How bad is it when the next launch will have to be supervised by someone from Google Street View?

Donald Trump tweeted “We could use a little good old global warming” because of the cold weather. Which has everyone worried he is considering raising the planet’s temperature by starting a thermonuclear war.

Donald Trump says even if there was collusion with the Russians, it’s not a crime. The last time we had speculation like that, the result was the book “If I Did It.”

Donald Trump says if he isn’t reelected in 2020, media ratings will “go down the tubes.” And who knows more about how to tank ratings than Donald Trump? 

A Democratic lawmaker says Donald Trump’s tweets about global warming are like a “child who hates science.” Just like his tax plan is like a child who hates math and all his other tweets are written like a child who hates English.

That’s it for this year, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, you can’t blame me for trying. I am going to take a day off Monday because of the New Year but will be right back trying to make you laugh next year. I swear, one of these times I will do it. You can’t all sit there stone-faced forever. I want to thank you all for checking out the blog for another year and with Donald Trump in the White House, I will be assured of having more than enough material to get me through 2018 as well. By my calculations, I cranked out somewhere around 14,000 jokes this year. And nearly every one of them was grammatically correct. I hope you all have a very Happy New Year and look forward to having you tell all your friends about the blog so I can forge ahead on my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Just 6 Billion and a lot of change to go. Enjoy the break, and I hope we start out the New Year with all of you keeping my hopes alive by remembering to always keep on sending the love!





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