Thursday, December 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

New Year’s Eve could be the coldest ever in New York City. The good news is that it will be so cold, Mariah Carey’s teeth may actually chatter along in time with her lyrics.

An Arctic blast has hit the U.S. straight out of Canada. To which Canadians are telling Donald Trump, “Let’s see you build a wall for that!”

President Obama and Hillary Clinton topped the Gallup poll of the “most admired people.” Which shows the way to stay popular in this country is to not be the one in the Oval Office.

Disney’s resorts are doing away with “Do Not Disturb” signs in hotels for security reasons. That, and the fact there is no way to even think it won’t be a constant disturbance staying in a hotel filled with thousands of adrenalin-filled kids.

A report says the world’s wealthiest people became $1 Trillion richer in 2017. To which they said to everyone else still struggling to make ends meet, “Thanks!”

A Russian billionaire reportedly died while jogging after taking Viagra. What’s the point of that, to make sure he clears everyone out of the way ahead of him?

A Russian billionaire reportedly died while jogging after taking Viagra. Apparently he was trying to give a whole new meaning to the term “runner’s high.”

A study says older adults’ longevity is linked to leaving the house. Mostly right around the time their relatives all arrive to spend the holidays.

China is rounding up innocent and guilty alike to create the world’s largest DNA database. As opposed to Alabama where when you have one person’s DNA, you have them all.

A controversial “problem of whiteness” course is being reintroduced at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. At least controversial for the three people in Wisconsin who aren’t white.

Social Security beneficiaries have reached a record 61.8 Million. Which is surprising in the fact that so many overweight Americans have made it to age 62.

A report says Americans have widely differing views of what constitutes sexual harassment. Especially Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and Roy Moore who all say “Nothing!”

Experts warn the biggest concern with North Korea is biological weapons. Especially whatever it is that Kim Jong-un is putting in his hair every day.

A Maryland man shot and killed his father on Christmas Eve. Apparently he was upset when he saw what he thought was mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Iranian media says a 5.1 Magnitude earthquake hit the southern part of the country. Or as earthquakes are called in Iran, “urban renewal.”

Rapper TI helped single moms buy Christmas presents for their kids. He says next year, all those NBA players will have to chip in and pay for the holidays themselves.

Martin Shkreli’s lawyer was convicted of aiding him in a fraud scheme. Apparently the court didn’t buy his defense of the “birds of a feather” doctrine.

A lawsuit claims Sam’s Club discriminated against a transgender worker. If they lose the case they will have to change the store’s name to Sam’s and Samantha’s Club.

Dollar General is planning an expansion in Texas that will bring in 400 new jobs. Which is good news for the store as at minimum wage, they will be limited to doing all their shopping at Dollar General.

A study says walking 4,000 steps a day helps those over 60 with their memory. Except for the ones who can’t remember how to count to 4,000.

Excessive video gaming will soon be named as a mental disorder if it impairs personal, social, occupation or other areas of life. Which is ironic as most people turn to video gaming as they have no personal or social life or job in the first place.

Excessive video gaming will soon be named as a mental disorder if it impairs personal, social, occupation or other areas of life. Remember in the ‘80s when the worst consequence of playing video games was running out of quarters?

A report says pot use is increasing in pregnant women in California. Mostly as a backlash against using alcohol which got them into their condition in the first place.

A report says pot use is increasing in pregnant women in California. Mostly for the women who want their child to grow like a weed.

A study says risky behavior and crime is down among teens. Mostly because of the legalization of pot which pretty much keeps them on the couch where they belong.

A study says risky behavior and crime is down among teens. Mostly because they are always being watched with their grandparents upstairs and their Millennial parents still living down in the basement.

Delta ranks highest in a survey of airline food. That is, for the people who don’t mind eating the meals they still have on board that are left over from 2003.

Delta ranks highest in a survey of airline food. Most people were caught by surprise with the results. Airlines still serve food?

A study says half of all adults describe themselves as “glass half full.” The other half are “glass empty” because they have drank the entire bottle.

A study says half of all adults describe themselves as “glass half full.” The only problem is that they are also “bank account empty.”

Solange has revealed she has been diagnosed with an autonomic disorder. To which Jay-Z says he hopes she gets well soon but also that it keeps her from being able to ever ride on elevators again.

A report says Lindsay Lohan is $100,000 behind on her tax payments. Apparently she was waiting to pay it until it amounts that high get wiped clean by the new GOP tax bill.

A report says Lindsay Lohan is $100,000 behind on her tax payments. People were surprised. When has she ever made enough money to have that big of a tax bill?

The NFL has canceled the last Sunday Night Football game of the season on New Year’s Eve. Apparently Roger Goodell was afraid of the backlash if any of the players took a knee during “Auld Lang Syne.”

Jim Burns, the co-creator of MTV’s “Unplugged” died after being hit by a taxi in New York. Ironically, he was on life support until his family requested they pull the plug.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson says he will keep his promise to jump into Lake Erie. If he is really remorseful about his team going winless, he would instead jump into the water supply of Flint, Michigan.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson says he will keep his promise to jump into Lake Erie. Mostly because this time of year the water is still above freezing which makes it warmer than the rest of the city.

The Giants have suspended Eli Apple for making vulgar comments in the locker room. Apparently the team feels his comments showed he is rotten to the core.

USC quarterback Sam Darnold says he would be “honored to play for any team” in the NFL. Apparently that means his agent has already confirmed that he won’t be taken in the draft by Cleveland.

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich says the reason charity is important to him and he wants to give back is because “we are rich as hell.” Which ironically was exactly the same quote used in the wedding vows between Steve Mnuchin and his wife.

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich says the reason charity is important to him and he wants to give back is because “we are rich as hell.” Which is also exactly the same as the secret password to get entrance into the NBA owners’ lounge.

Elon Musk is sending a red Tesla Roadster on a rocket to Mars. The only problem for the astronauts who eventually get there will be having to bring along a 34 Million mile extension cord.

The Library of Congress will stop saving every text ever sent. Although it was nice to have on record for future generations what it was that brought around our downfall.

The Library of Congress will stop saving every text ever sent. Apparently they just want the ones that affect people’s lives directly, like the one from Donald Trump that will actually signal the start of World War III.

President Obama warned against the irresponsible use of social media. Which is his fault for not completely deleting that “POTUS” account on Twitter when he left the White House.

A Pennsylvania woman received a $284 Billion electric bill. After which she said she knew she should have switched over from those old incandescent light bulbs.

A Pennsylvania woman received a $284 Billion electric bill. The power company apologized, and lowered the bill to only $23.6 Billion, saying they didn’t realize she was on the year-round budget billing plan.

Fox News ended 2017 as the most-watched cable network. Mostly serving as a convenient alternative for the people who don’t have time to read every single one of Donald Trump’s tweets.

A poll says most Americans don’t support cuts in programs for the low-income. Mostly because they want those benefits to still be around in the next few years when they join the group.

President Obama told Prince Harry he felt “serenity” during Donald Trump’s inauguration. Mostly because he knew it was time to leave the White House and give some speeches to get in on some of that Clinton-style cash.

President Obama told Prince Harry he felt “serenity” during Donald Trump’s inauguration. Mostly because it’s nice to leave and have so many people tell you how much they want you back.

President Obama told Prince Harry he felt “serenity” during Donald Trump’s inauguration. With this economy, it’s kind of like finding a sucker to buy your 1975 Ford Pinto “as is.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only four days left in 2017. Whew. Glad to get this one over with. Lots of good material for joke writing but not for trying to stay solvent. Oh, well. How bad can it get? The problem with that question is I think we may be about to find out. But who needs money? I am good as long as you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: