Friday, December 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon pulled a DIY circumcision training kit. Mostly because the last time that was tried was by Lorena Bobbitt on her husband John.

Amazon pulled a DIY circumcision training kit. Mostly because the IKEA-style instructions say the mohel will need just a hammer and screwdriver.

Amazon pulled a DIY circumcision training kit. Next thing, they may cancel their offer for a kitchen utensil home-style emergency appendectomy setup.

A report says bananas as we know them are vulnerable to being completely wiped out. It’s like suddenly all the bananas could just split.

The U.S. life expectancy has fallen for the second straight year. Which is in complete inverse correlation with the rising value of the price of McDonald’s stock.

 The U.S. life expectancy has fallen for the second straight year. Mostly because after Donald Trump was elected, everyone’s expectations have seemed to have dropped.

A rub on male contraception is ready for testing on humans. Apparently the idea is if the right area is rubbed enough, there isn’t any need for contraceptives.

Las Vegas is installing 800 posts to protect pedestrians. After which all the casinos started offering the odds on how long it would take until the first person is run over.

A report says credit card payments surged 10.2% last year. Apparently people are figuring if Congress has put the entire nation $20 Trillion in debt, how bad can it be?

Daryl Strawberry says he used to have sex between innings at baseball games. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “7th inning stretch.”

Daryl Strawberry says he used to have sex between innings at baseball games. Which caused confusion when he said he got a triple, did it just mean he got a hit or just made it to third base?

The Texas Attorney General says guns are allowed in some churches. Apparently he isn’t aware that the Second Amendment is part of the Constitution and not the Bible.

The Texas Attorney General says guns are allowed in some churches. Which some people are afraid could be used the wrong way for ministers to use on parishioners to get them to be a little more generous with their donations.

Wells Fargo says its employee raises are not linked to the GOP tax bill passage. Apparently the bank just found a little more cash that was hidden away in all of the fake accounts they made up.

Donald Trump has been given the go ahead to build a coastal wall at his golf resort in Doonbeg, Ireland. Apparently the idea is to get enough practice building walls in other countries until he can finally figure out how to build one here.

Donald Trump has been given the go ahead to build a coastal wall at his golf resort in Doonbeg, Ireland. The idea is to show how a wall can work by proving not one Mexican has crossed the border into the UK.

A UK study warns people to keep chocolate away from their dogs over the holidays as it can cause vomiting and seizures. If that is such a problem, why aren’t they warning everyone to keep alcohol away from their drunk uncle?

Wal-Mart has suspended a shoplifting punishment that a court called “extortion.” Apparently the idea was to cause extreme embarrassment and humiliation by making shoplifters actually wear the Wal-Mart clothes they stole.

A report says the GOP tax bill won’t help small businesses, especially after disasters. Making the biggest disaster pretty much the GOP tax bill.

A report says more people are flying with pets they say are necessary for emotional support. Mostly people who can relax knowing their pit bull will keep them from worrying about being dragged off a United Airlines flight.

A study says people with heart disease who are married live longer. Except the ones who have heart disease because their wife serves them bacon at every meal.

A study says people with heart disease who are married live longer. Which is great news for their spouses who get to spend even more years of their lives taking care of a heart patient.

A study says people with heart disease who are married live longer. Which is bad news for the young women who marry old rich men hoping they will die soon and leave them all their money.

A poll says Americans are most concerned about healthcare. Mostly because when it comes to the government, there are three types of healthcare: Obamacare, Medicare, and Congress doesn’t care.

Astrologers say that December 21st was the worst day of the year because of the way Saturn aligned with the Sun. Although they shouldn’t be so confident it was the worst day of 2017 as Donald Trump and Congress still have more than a week left.

Jodie Foster says “every man over 30” has to start thinking about their part in sexual misconduct. Which gives them 30 years to take action as it seems all the men with the worst behavior are over 60.

Famed classical conductor Charles Dutoit is being accused of sexual assault. Apparently he is great at conducting everything but himself.

Khloe Kardashian has confirmed she is pregnant with her first child. Or as that is known in the Kardashian world, a possible spinoff.

Papa John’s founder John Schnatter is stepping down as CEO weeks after making disparaging comments about the NFL and anthem protesters. Which brings up the question what does a pizza CEO even do? Get to drive the newest delivery van?

Papa John’s founder John Schnatter is stepping down as CEO weeks after making disparaging comments about the NFL and anthem protesters. Or as replacing a CEO is called in the pizza business, getting a fresh topping.

Papa John’s founder John Schnatter is stepping down as CEO weeks after making disparaging comments about the NFL and anthem protesters. Apparently the company felt the CEO shouldn’t have more crust than the pizzas.

Disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy has been charged with assault using a hammer in Florida. It was sure a lot easier back in the days when all he had to do to get people’s attention was blow a whistle.

The NFL says referees can no longer use note cards to measure first downs. Unless the note card is 3”x5”x30 feet.

The NFL says it will outsource its investigation of Panthers owner Jerry Richardson. To which Donald Trump is saying he would be happy to give them Robert Mueller.

MLBAM head Bob Bowman has been forced out after accusations of workplace misconduct. It was getting so bad, the company was being called “MLBAM, thank you, ma’am!”

Turkey is seeking jail time for NBA player Enes Kanter for insulting President Erdogen. If that holds up, there is every chance that Steph Curry could be playing his next season in pickup games at Guantanamo Bay.

Ivanka Trump says the GOP tax bill will eliminate the national debt. Which just proves researchers right whose studies say that insanity is hereditary.

Apple says older iPhones run slower to adjust to aging batteries. Which start getting older, say after about the third day of use.

Eric Schmidt is stepping down as the executive chairman of Alphabet. No reason was given by the company other than to just try to find it on Google.

Google Artificial Intelligence may be able to rate photos to figure out which ones users like. Which for men usually has to do with women who aren’t wearing any clothes.

Apple is developing an advanced heart monitor for its new Apple Watch. Which will detect the irregular heartbeats caused when users see the $500 price tag.

Scientists say they have discovered 115 new species in Southeast Asia. Which thanks to the Trump Administration’s environmental policies is just in time to put them all on the endangered list.

The former head of a secret government program investigating UFOs says “we may not be alone.” Which most Americans have pretty much known ever since they first heard about the NSA.

A report says facial scanning at airports violates Americans’ privacy. The good news is that with the naked body scanners, the last thing TSA agents are looking at is passengers’ faces.

The U.S. Senate says workplace settlements since 1997 have totaled $1.45 Million. To which the executives at Fox News, after spending $50 Million in just one year are saying “Amateurs!”

Former Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein says a 2015 dinner with Vladimir Putin was a “non-event.” Almost as much of a non-event as her 2016 presidential campaign.

A study says global warming is making the migrant crisis worse. Although no one is complaining as long as it keeps all those Canadian tourists wearing small bathing suits from traveling to Miami to find some warmer weather.

A tied race for the Virginia House will be decided by picking from film canisters containing the candidates’ names. Which means they will be using technology as old and outdated as the idea of still using film.

A tied race for the Virginia House will be decided by picking from film canisters containing the candidates’ names. The only question is who still even has any film canisters.

A study says Florida is the worst state for sleep habits. Especially for newcomers who haven’t yet adjusted to being regularly awakened by random gunfire at 3:00 in the morning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is only three days away, and the weekend is already here so that means I will be taking a little time off. I will not be posting on Christmas Day, and since I am also off from my real job on Tuesday I will take a rare non-holiday time out from writing the jokes. That means I will be back with the gags on Wednesday. Consider that an early Christmas present from me to all of you. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and that Santa brings you what you were hoping for. My gift already arrived earlier this year with all the set-up lines just handed to me after the inauguration of Donald Trump. Of course, I ask for nothing because the only thing that I really like to receive is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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