Thursday, December 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Brad Pitt is reportedly back into “casual dating” after his split with Angelina Jolie. In other words, things haven’t changed since they were still married.

A poll says 8 in 10 Americans are afflicted with stress. The other two are holding off until the first of the year when their Christmas bills start pouring in.

Doctors have issued health warnings for people who can develop allergy symptoms from real Christmas trees. Mostly from all the Millennials who are not used to trees having never actually ventured outside off their couch.

An Artificial Intelligence robot can reportedly detect when people are lying. With politicians, it is usually whenever their lips are moving.

An Artificial Intelligence robot can reportedly detect when people are lying. Which is usually right after a police officer asks “How many drinks have you had tonight?”

Wal-Mart is planning a store with no cashiers. Apparently they are finally just giving in to customers partaking in the holiday shoplifting season.

Some retail stores are taking part in a new trend to rent clothes. Apparently it is easier for shoppers who can trade in their clothes every two months when they have gone up another size.

A New Orleans veterinarian is being charged with shooting a neighbor’s dog that wouldn’t stop barking. Which means people really need to be careful when their vet tells them their dog needs a shot.

A study says 90% of colleges have policies that regulate free speech.  Mostly when students go speechless after getting their semester tuition bill.

Ugandan lawmakers have passed a “lifetime presidency” bill. After which Donald Trump told Congress to forget the Wall, he has a new idea for them to work on.

A Catholic bishop in Vermont says Cardinal Bernard Law who was involved in the church’s molestation cover-up and recently died at age 86 was “kind.” Apparently he wasn’t able to finish his thought which should have been “kind of a douche bag.”

A Tennessee woman gave birth to a baby from an embryo frozen 24 years ago. The baby’s first words are expected to be “Come on, global warming!”

Tonya Harding says she still cares what people think of her. Mostly because she can hear pretty much everything through those thin walls in her doublewide trailer.

Apple is planning to combine iPhone, iPad and Mac apps into one user experience. Which will create the highways’ most distracted drivers in the people behind the wheel who are trying to use all three devices at once.

An E! News anchor quit her job when she found out her male cohost earns double her salary. The sad part is she was fired because that was the only real scoop she ever uncovered.

A sea turtle was found in the Pacific Ocean tangled in floating cocaine bales. The hard part was catching up with the turtle that for some reason was able to swim at 62 miles an hour.

Fed Ex will reportedly get a $1.5 Billion boost from the GOP tax plan. Which may slow deliveries some, especially when the drivers trade in their trucks and are instead driven around in a chauffeured limousine.

AT&T says it will give $1,000 to 200,000 workers following the passage of the GOP tax plan. Well, it’s just good to see our hard earned tax money at work going to the people who provide us with all those dropped calls.

AT&T says it will give $1,000 each to 200,000 workers following the passage of the GOP tax plan. Which is only fitting to see government money going to the people at AT&T who are the next best thing to civil service employees.

Medical tech firms are upset that the GOP tax plan didn’t ax the medical device tax. Which is ironic in after seeing how much the tax will cost their companies, the CEOs will have to fork out the extra cash when they have to buy their own defibrillator.

A Chipotle restaurant in Los Angeles is being investigated for reports of vomiting. Which is mostly a matter of convenience for actresses and models who eat there and don’t have to bother throwing up on purpose.

A study says workers’ “idle time” costs U.S. businesses $100 Billion a year. Mostly from the people who are practicing what it will be like when a robot finally takes their job.

A study says workers’ “idle time” costs U.S. businesses $100 Billion a year. That is the down time when people are resting at their desks after becoming too tired to look at any more Facebook, Instagram or Internet porn.

A study says overweight kids often become obese adults but there are “critical windows” where that can be changed. The most critical moment being the first time a child is introduced to the Happy Meal.

A study says the average age of fathers is increasing. Although in all fairness, the age level was skewed by several years when Mick Jagger had another child at 73.

A study says the average age of fathers is increasing. Mostly because of the men who are waiting to have children until they have amassed a personal fortune large enough to cover at least a couple years’ worth of college tuition.

A study says jobs with heavy lifting can reduce a woman’s fertility, especially if they are overweight or obese. Mostly because a woman’s chances of getting pregnant in general are already pretty low when they become overweight or obese.

A study says jobs with heavy lifting can reduce a woman’s fertility, especially if they are overweight or obese. Which is too bad, because those are the women who are most prepared to carry around a kid and several bags of groceries all at once.

Country singer Michael Ray was arrested for DUI in the drive-thru at a Florida McDonald’s. The good news is that pretty much covers the lyrics for the first two verses of a country music song.

Country singer Michael Ray was arrested for DUI in the drive-thru at a Florida McDonald’s. The worst part is the arresting officers made his sobriety test having to sing the lyrics to the Big Mac jingle “Two all beef patties, special sauce…”

Country singer Michael Ray was arrested for DUI in the drive-thru at a Florida McDonald’s. You know you are drunk when you can’t navigate a car from the menu board to the window without crashing.

Mariah Carey’s bodyguard reportedly beat a fan during her show in Las Vegas. Apparently the fan wanted to hear her sing “Butterfly” but was stung like a bee.

The movie “Downsizing” is set to be released by Paramount. Which is not to be confused with the 5,000 to 10,000 people who will find themselves unemployed when Disney takes over Fox.

The Celtics Gordon Hayward says mental depression is worse than the physical pain from an injury. To which L.A. Clippers fans are saying “Tell us about it!”

Kurt Warner says his kid rates Tom Brady as the GOAT quarterback. Which is confusing because wouldn’t being a kid make it the one that is a goat?

LaVar Ball is reportedly planning to start a basketball league for high school graduates. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the NBA.

Former NBA player Charlie Villanueva says his toilet was stolen from his Dallas home. Although police are already at work and expect very soon to slam the lid on the case.

Dozens of companies are being accused of using Facebook ads to illegally exclude older workers from applying for jobs. Especially the ones who only know how to use Facebook to see what all their friends are eating for breakfast.

Comcast is giving employees $1,000 each after the FCC ruling to end Net Neutrality. Which may or may not have anything to do with the immediate $1,000 increase in all of our cable bills starting next month.

Wells Fargo is promising a pay raise or bonus to workers following passage of the GOP tax bill. Mostly because they no longer have to spend any money making up all those fake bank accounts.

A report says iPhones start slowing down after a year of use. Which coincidentally happens right around the time of the release of the next iPhone upgrade.

High-speed broadband is about to become declared a legal right of Britons. Which apparently they will get from us now that we will no longer have it after end of Net Neutrality.

A report says a species of Mexican fish makes so much noise while mating, it could cause dolphins to go deaf. Well, they shouldn’t be eavesdropping in the first place.

Researchers say mountain climbers on Mt. Everest can suffer a psychosis that makes them imagine they are hearing voices. Which turns out to actually be their conscience saying “You paid $100,000 to do this?”

Europe’s top court says Uber should be regulated like a transportation company. Although it could also qualify as a TV network since the front office is run more like a daily soap opera.

A poll says most registered voters say they won’t support Donald Trump in 2020. Which may not hurt him considering most registered voters didn’t support him in 2016.

A study says nutrients in leafy greens may help prevent dementia. That could be true. Have you ever seen a rabbit walking around in circles wondering which hole in the ground is its home?

A study says nutrients in leafy greens may help prevent dementia. The only problem is it helps people remember why they quit eating leafy greens in the first place.

Rosie O’Donnell is getting backlash after offering Senators $2 Million to vote against the GOP tax plan. To which Senators said they couldn’t do that in good conscience. Also because they were getting twice that much from the lobbyists.

Rosie O’Donnell is getting backlash after offering Senators $2 Million to vote against the GOP tax plan. Senators turned down the offer because they will come out with a lot more money than that because of the tax plan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, no presents this year. Apparently Santa’s sleigh will be weighed down too much with all the cash given to the rich by Congress with the new tax plan. The wealthy have been very good. They haven’t crashed the economy in more than ten years! That shows remarkable restraint and they really do need to be rewarded. So, less tax money from the rich, fewer poor people getting health care. A small price to pay for all those jobs that are now going to magically be created because companies have more money. I know my employer can’t wait to give me a big fat pay raise. I can just feel it! And if you believe any of that, then you have been right all along in your faith about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Although my faith has never wavered, because all I need to keep going is when you all remember to always keep sending the love!



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