Sunday, December 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Trump Administration is set to remove climate change as a national security threat. Mostly because Trump now feels his biggest threat is from the FBI and Bob Mueller.

Some workers are demanding that AI robots pay taxes. Robots that are required to pay taxes will have their returns filled out by H&R Blockhead.

Health officials are urging people to sleep an arm’s length away from their cellphones. So far, the ones who do that have to hold the phone an arm’s length away because they are farsighted and can’t read the screen up close.

Health officials are urging people to sleep an arm’s length from their cellphones. Which men do already to make sure their wives can’t see who they are texting.

Researchers say that cellphones can cause headaches, impaired memory and low sperm count. Mostly for men whose wives hit them in the head when they catch them watching Internet porn.

Researchers say that cellphones can cause brain tumors, headaches, impaired memory and low sperm count. Which most people say is a small price to pay to be able to binge watch “Breaking Bad” at their office desk.

Facebook admits it can be bad for people. The worst part being how having billions of users has given Mark Zuckerberg the idea of running for President.

Facebook admits it can be bad for people. Especially for men whose wives see who has been sending them all those messages.

Facebook admits it can be bad for people. The question being who thought it would be good to spend eight hours a day scrolling through people’s random comments?

An Australian report is urging the Vatican to reject celibacy. It turns out priests are not completely celibate, just when it comes to women and anyone over 10.

A report says the Disney and Fox merger could cost 5,000-10,000 jobs. Especially at Disney where the Seven Dwarfs are already complaining about being downsized.

The Vatican saint-making office is updating procedures concerning the selling of body parts of would-be saints. Which would finally put an end to those e-Bay ads for necklaces made from the teeth of Mother Teresa.

The Vatican saint-making office is updating procedures concerning the selling of body parts of would-be saints. Which means the necessary miracle for sainthood will have to be something other than avoiding hoards of grave robbers.

A U.N. official who visited North Korea says he sees a “high risk of miscalculation” for the U.S. claims of the inevitability of war. The high risk being that we learned absolutely nothing from doing exactly the same thing in Iraq.

The Trump Administration has forbidden the CDC to use seven terms, including  “evidence-based” and “science-based.” The real goal being to eliminate “science” because of climate change and “evidence” as part of the Mueller investigation.

The Trump Administration has forbidden the CDC to use seven terms, including  “evidence-based” and “science-based.” It’s a good thing George Carlin isn’t still with us or he would have to rework his entire “Seven Forbidden Words” routine.

Vladimir Putin says Donald Trump can claim “fairly serious achievements” in his first year. Although so has Putin, as it can’t be easy to run two superpowers at once.

“Star Wars: The Last Jedi” made more than $200 Million in its opening weekend. Which is more impressive considering that every ticket sale was for a single seat.

Politifact named the Biggest Lie of the Year Donald Trump’s denial that Russia meddled in the U.S. elections. Although close runners up were Trump’s claims about his healthcare plan, tax plan, building the wall…

A study says cruise control designs could solve traffic jams. Mostly by having everyone consistently drive around at 2 miles an hour.

Sexual harassment allegations are being reported at ESPN. That’s about as fresh of a headline in sports as who won the 1983 World Series.

Google is changing its rules to stop fake news by masking the country of origin. It was much easier to control fake news when they just eliminated any reports that originated from Fox News.

AOL’s Instant Messenger has been shut down. Which is sad news for anyone still chatting with friends about their new Furby using a Gateway desktop.

California has issued guidelines to limit cellphone radiation exposure. Now the only threat of radiation from cellphones is from Donald Trump’s tweets sparking a nuclear missile attack from North Korea.

A study says adults who live close to gyms or exercise facilities tend to be more trim. Mostly because those people are more likely to use those facilities as long as they can get someone to drive them there.

A mom claims a Hatchimals Bath Bomb gave her daughter chemical burns. It turns out it wasn’t from the product as much as that they were living in and using the tap water in Flint, Michigan.

A mom claims a Hatchimals Bath Bomb gave her daughter chemical burns. Which could result in a recall of the product as well as the Hatchimals home do-it-yourself waterboarding kit.

A mom claims a Hatchimals Bath Bomb gave her daughter chemical burns. Which should come as no surprise when a company labels a product “Bath Bomb.”

A Nebraska bride suffered a severe allergic reaction to her wedding bouquet. No one had any idea she would break out like that just from a bunch of corn stalks.

A Nebraska bride suffered a severe allergic reaction to her wedding bouquet. Which is nothing compared to the contusions and fractures commonly suffered by the bridesmaids trying to be the ones to catch the bouquet when it is thrown.

A poll says 25% of Americans say holiday music is the most dreaded aspect of the season. The other 75% dread when the holiday music ends as that is right around the time their Christmas shopping bills start rolling in.

A fertility doctor in Indiana will serve no jail time after impregnating up to 20 of his clients with his own sperm. Apparently the judge felt it was enough punishment making him work the next 18 years just to afford all those Christmas bicycles.

A study says vigorous exercise is tied to macular degeneration in men. Which is bad news for both of those guys who are now at risk.

A study says vigorous exercise is tied to macular degeneration in men. The worst part will be for all the men who want to go work out but now can’t find the gym.

Anita Hill will lead a Hollywood Commission on Sexual Harassment. Otherwise known as “Let’s make a movie!”

Peter Jackson says Harvey Weinstein blacklisted actresses Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino. He could have gotten some sympathy if he instead tried to ruin the careers of Tara Reid and Jenny McCarthy.

Halle Berry says she is “done with love” after her breakup with music producer Alex Da Kid. Although she should have had an idea things wouldn’t go well romantically with a 35 year old man who insists on calling himself Alex Da Kid.

Vince McMahon is thinking of bringing back the XFL. Which will give Colin Kaepernick to play under the name “Owners Hate Me.”

Vince McMahon is thinking of bringing back the XFL, the sport combining the NFL and WWE. It’s the one where it is legal to sack the quarterback by hitting him in the back with a folding chair.

The Phillies have signed first baseman Carlos Santana to a three year contract. Santana is the one who calls his collection of bats “Woodstock.”

The Jets offensive coordinator says he gave up against the Broncos being down 23-0 with 11 minutes in the game trying to run out the clock. Although if his team could really control the ball 11 minutes they wouldn’t be down 23-0.

Pete Rose’s defamation lawsuit against investigator John Dowd has been dismissed. The court felt at this point what could possibly be said about Pete Rose that would damage his image any further?

Alex Rodriguez gave the commencement speech at the University of Miami. After which his career was celebrated by awarding him an honorary degree in chemical engineering.

NBA All-Star voting rules changes include using Amazon’s Alexa and 2 for 1 voting days. Which makes it easy and just like home for anyone who has ever taken part in an election in Chicago.

Alibaba will sell electric vehicles made by Ford in China using giant vending machines. The hard part will be for customers who have to carry around $25,000 worth of quarters in their pockets.

A NASA simulator will “take” the first humans to Mars. Which would be just as easy to give the astronaut candidates a rental car and have them drive to a camping site a couple hours south of Salt Lake City.

SpaceX has launched the first used rocket and spacecraft. NASA would have tried it but never had any of their equipment make it all the way through an entire mission.

Scientists were able to “google” data from NASA’s Kepler Telescope to discover a new planet. Mostly because by going online they found out that the planet and our solar system were already Facebook friends.

Donald Trump is reportedly planning to campaign aggressively in the 2018 midterm elections. Which after the Alabama Senate disaster makes Democrats wonder for which side?

The Pentagon reportedly spend $22 Million investigating UFOs. Which turns out that most unidentified flying objects were United flights that actually made it to takeoff.

Nancy Pelosi is warning the Trump Administration is heading towards thought control with banning certain words from the CDC. Which is the first time that Trump has ever been mentioned in the same sentence with “thought” and “control.”

A survey says 52% of Americans feel the country is worse off under Donald Trump. The other 48% are still wondering how that could even be possible.

Steve Mnuchin says he has never been told to ban any words at the Treasury Department. Mostly because the only words he ever uses about official business are "Not guilty," "No comment" and "What private jet?"


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is a week away. Which means just one more week until we can all celebrate being done with Christmas for another year. I just find it hard to get in the Christmas spirit because of the obligations to buy presents and send out cards. Not that I don’t enjoy it, but it’s the obligation part that makes it a pain. I would rather just give things to people I like. Which would certainly cut down my holiday expense budget. Just kidding. Not really. The part I do like about the holiday is that the giving and celebrations give me almost as much happiness as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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