Thursday, December 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

California is considering a mileage tax for drivers. Which means the 405 Freeway during rush hour traffic could generate as much as $8 a year.

A report says full moons increase the danger for motorcycle riders. Especially the Harley-Davidson riders who during a full moon undergo a transformation into a 50 year old man going through a mid-life crisis.

Dan Rather is reportedly in talks to host a show on the “Young Turks” YouTube channel. Not to say he does not exactly come to mind along with the word “young,” but at his age “60 Minutes” is the time it takes him now to pee.

Dan Rather is reportedly in talks to host a show on the “Young Turks” YouTube channel. At 86, the definition of young Turks must mean pretty much everyone other than Larry King.

A report says the economic expansion could be the longest on record. Mostly because in the past nine years there has been nowhere to go but up.

A USA Today editorial ripped Donald Trump, saying he is “unfit to clean the toilets in the Obama Presidential Library.” To which many Democrats disagreed, saying that is exactly what he is qualified to be doing.

A USA Today editorial ripped Donald Trump, saying he is “unfit to clean the toilets in the Obama Presidential Library.” Which shocked all the people with access to the newspaper because they are staying at a hotel or are at an airport.

A study says artificial sweeteners can stimulate fat growth. Which is good news to find out all those Americans are really just artificially obese.

A surgeon admits he “branded” his initials onto a liver during a transplant. Actually it wasn’t his initials but the ones responsible for requiring a liver transplant. “J&B.”

A space startup is attempting to bring ads to the moon. Now if they can just find some companies that are actually marketing green cheese.

A space startup is attempting to bring ads to the moon. One suggestion is due to the complexion of the lunar surface, a perfect sponsor would be Stridex.

Scientists have found a shark in the North Atlantic that could be as old as 512. An action thriller movie about the creature is in the works called “Gums.”

The White House says it is “not the right time” for talks with North Korea. Under the Trump Administration, the time for talking is a few hours after the first round of bombs have been dropped.

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned a CNN reporter that asking Donald Trump a question “could cost you.” Apparently she meant that he only responds to reporters who bring him at least a six-pack of Diet Coke.

 The family of a Connecticut man who died in a fight over “beer pong” has been awarded $15.6 Million from his attackers. Which means the amount could have been a lot less if they had instead decided to play “quarters.”

Donald Trump claims Roy Moore’s Alabama Senate loss proves him right. Apparently he figures since he backed Luther Strange who lost the primary and then Moore who lost the election, two wrongs make a right.

The 2017 Nobel Peace Prize winners are warning that nuclear war is “one impulsive tantrum away.” Which means the solution for world peace may be giving both Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un a time out.

Wal-Mart will start to allow workers early access to their pay. Which for most Wal-Mart workers to catch up on their bills at their pay scale will have to take an advance on their salary through 2057.

The White House is reportedly planning cuts on counter-terrorism funding. Apparently the reason is we don’t need to fight terrorists now that Donald Trump claims he has singlehandedly completely wiped out ISIS.

A report says nearly 5 Million Americans are in default on their student loans. Apparently those are the students who got degrees that didn’t required taking any math classes.

A report says nearly 5 Million Americans are in default on their student loans. Which is still better than the 20 Million ready to go into foreclosure on their home and the 10 Million about to have their cars repossessed.

A report says nearly 5 Million Americans are in default on their student loans. The good news is that philosophy grads who have a minimum wage job can contemplate the existence of their debt and how it corresponds with the universe.

California may steal Florida’s orange growing crown after the damage from Hurricane Irma. Which is big news for the four people who still actually eat any fruit.

California may steal Florida’s orange growing crown after the damage from Hurricane Irma. But not for long in a state where five orange trees take up enough room where they can be instead replaced with a $2 Million house.

A Texas mom is accused of subjecting her son to 323 hospital visits and 13 surgeries. Apparently she was just helping him with his career goal of being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

A Texas mom is accused of subjecting her son to 323 hospital visits and 13 surgeries. It turns out the 323 hospital visits were all the trips it took to the ER to finally get a doctor to look at him for the flu.

An author says worrying can lead to better health, success and well-being. Except the people who are always worrying they are about to lose their health insurance.

John Stamos is about to become a father for the first time at age 54. Apparently he always wanted to be a grandpa and is now just cutting out the middleman.

John Stamos is about to become a father for the first time at age 54. Apparently he never got out of character for his TV show “Grandfathered.”

Omarosa was reportedly fired from her job at the White House. Apparently her role as the villain on “The Apprentice” was nowhere near enough training to go up against the likes of Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort and Steve Bannon.

Steven Spielberg says “we still have a long way to go for women’s rights.” Although he hasn’t always been good to women, like when he cast his own wife Kate Capshaw in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”

A study says Uber has reduced the use of ambulances. Especially when a three mile trip to the hospital right now costs $10 instead of waiting an hour for a $3,000 ambulance ride.

A study says Uber has reduced the use of ambulances. Mostly from people not crashing as much using their cellphones while someone else is driving.

A study says Oregon state parks add $1 Billion to the state’s economy. Mostly from the stoners who still use the parks for free land to grow all the pot they sell.

A report says climate change is partly to blame for the record rainfall from Hurricane Harvey. Although most of the 19 Trillion gallons of water that fell was still pretty much a result of the storm being a hurricane.

A report says climate change is partly to blame for the record 19 Trillion gallons of rainfall from Hurricane Harvey. When people say they wish they had a dollar for every gallon of rain from that storm, they do. It’s called the national debt.

A study finds challenges for low-income families during cold winters. To which low-income families will say there is also a challenge during warm winters, hot summers, cool autumns…

A study says the loss of water from the California drought caused the Sierra Nevada to rise an extra inch. Which it turns out may have been caused by someone flushing their extra Viagra pills into the water supply.

A study says the loss of water from the California drought caused the Sierra Nevada to rise an extra inch. Which is unfortunate the state can’t take advantage of that as men will pay good money for the same effect.

A U.N. study says nearly 50 Million tons of e-waste was discarded last year. Otherwise known as devices running on Windows 10.

LaVar Ball says his sons LiAngelo and La Melo will have no problems in Lithuania. Mostly because he is pretty sure they are in good enough shape to outrun any of the country’s mall security guards.

Agent Scott Boras says the Miami Marlins are being run like a pawnshop. Which became apparent when owner Derek Jeter instead of putting out a roster now refers to the players as “collateral.”

Agent Scott Boras compared the Miami Marlins to a pawnshop. Which became obvious when the team hung three gold spheres at the stadium ticket windows.

CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie says he is impressed with Johnny Manziel. Of course, most Canadians always admire someone who can hold their liquor.

CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie says he is impressed with Johnny Manziel. Who wouldn’t be with someone who was able to live in Cleveland a whole two years?

LiAngelo Ball says UCLA made him thank Donald Trump for his release from China. It’s too bad the school forgot to mention it’s not a good idea to shoplift there.

Low Gehrig’s 1931 Yankees contract was auctioned for $216,000. Which is ironic in today’s baseball players charge more than that to put their autograph on a blank piece of paper.

Low Gehrig’s 1931 Yankees contract was auctioned for $216,000. It was authenticated because of the really shaky signature on it.

Twitter is running ads admitting the social media site is hard to use. Except for Donald Trump who has already figured out how it can be used to put us on the brink of nuclear war with three different countries.

Twitter is running ads admitting the social media site is hard to use. Apparently people could count to 140 characters but the expansion to 280 is just too high for most people to count.

Uber is wrapping up a six month program to make its drivers happier. The problem is that no one will be happy when they see their career path is driving for Uber.

A report says the top UK Google searches in 2017 were for Meghan Markle and fidget spinners. Which shows life is so much easier there than in the U.S. where the top searches were Matt Lauer, the Las Vegas shooting and Hurricane Irma.

A report says the top UK Google searches in 2017 were for Meghan Markle and fidget spinners. At least those were the top searches for what occupies the time of Prince Harry and Prince Charles.

John McCain called out Donald Trump to lay off his anti-media rhetoric, saying it only empowers oppressive regimes to jail reporters and silence the truth. To which Trump says “And your point is…?”

Omarosa was reportedly fired from her $180,000 a year White House job after many coworkers wondered what she actually did. If that’s the case, we wouldn’t have a Congress, administration or half the people working in Washington, D.C.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Omarosa got fired again by Donald Trump, which if added to the times she was on “The Apprentice” adds up to four. Even Charlie Brown didn’t get fooled that many times by Lucy holding the football. Of course, the big news is still the defeat of Roy Moore in the Alabama Senate election. Which of course was a result of Moore putting the “race” back into Senate race. I can respect opposing political views, but when someone says it would be a good idea to abolish the amendments outlawing slavery and giving women the vote I will disagree. Mostly because I don’t think America was at its greatest in 1824. Although I will miss Roy Moore when it comes to writing jokes, I think I can deal with it when it comes to the good of the nation. What’s worse for me is that it will be harder to pick on Alabama like I do when they finally made a rational decision. What is the world coming to? If I lose a little material I can still deal with it, because I still feel good when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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