Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Doug Jones upset Roy Moore in the election for Alabama Senator. After Donald Trump lost supporting Moore’s opponent in the primaries and Moore in the election, Alabama is nowhere near as red as Trump’s face.

Roy Moore was interviewed before the election by a 12 year old girl. Which reminded Moore of when he was surrounded by preteen girls as the last time America was really great.

A man biting passengers on a JetBlue flight forced the plane to be diverted to another airport. Which means maybe it’s time for airlines to stop holding back on handing out inflight snacks.

A man biting passengers on a JetBlue flight forced the plane to be diverted to another airport. The worst part was when the pilot kept coming on the intercom saying “If this doesn’t stop, I will turn this plane around right now!”

A report says Artificial Intelligence has been programmed to identify 2 Billion people around the world. Which is easy as the 300 Million who are overweight and wear funny clothes are automatically assumed to be Americans.

A study says patients treated by doctors over 60 are more likely to die. Mostly because the only people who trust a doctor over 60 are patients who are over 80.

A study says patients treated by doctors over 60 are more likely to die. Especially when the doctor suggests treating ailments with blood letting, leaches and putting the patient into an iron lung.

South Korea is conducting anti-terror drills ahead of the upcoming Olympic Games. Which pretty much consists of telling people to just run behind the downhill skiers.

A report says 90% of Donald Trump’s TV news coverage is negative. No one had any idea that 10% of all our news comes from Fox.

A report says 90% of Donald Trump’s TV news coverage is negative. The worst part is that report actually bumped it to 91%.

A former Facebook executive claims social media is “ripping apart” society, saying there is “no discourse, no cooperation and misinformation.” Which until now was just reserved for what goes on in the White House press briefing room.

A report says people are mortgaging their homes to buy Bitcoins. Which will put them in the middle of the biggest bubble that burst since they lost their last home in 2007 with a subprime mortgage.

A study says being stubborn with a good work ethic can help people live longer. Which will be proven untrue the next time I am asked if I want to buy an extended warranty play at Best Buy.

A study says being stubborn with a good work ethic can help people live longer. Which means that telemarketer who calls every night at dinner time is not going to be quitting anytime soon.

A study says being stubborn with a good work ethic can help people live longer. Which is good news for the hotel maid who knocks on the door every three minutes saying “Housekeeping?”

Major League umpire Dale Scott is retiring early to stop risking more concussions. It’s been tough enough doing the job all those years after losing his eyesight.

A study says one in four people in Silicon Valley is at the risk of hunger. Which is ironic in that most of the industry there is dedicated to making sure they see pictures of what all their friends are eating for breakfast.

A report says warming in the Arctic has been unprecedented over the past 1,500 years. Which is sad that the news of all that melting ice comes 100 years too late for those people who sailed on the Titanic.

Venezuela will investigate its oil czar over charges of corruption. Who would have ever thought that someone having to do with the oil business would not be on the up and up?

The New York pipe bomb suspect reportedly rode the subway from Brooklyn to Manhattan with the bomb strapped to his body. People became suspicious when he went that distance without once groping or flashing any of the other riders.

The 2017 Nobel Peace Prize winners are calling for the end of nuclear weapons. Which ironically wouldn’t have ever been possible without the discoveries by all the past winners of the Nobel Science Prize.

Oxygen masks deployed on a Southwest Airlines flight because of smoke from a coffee maker. Passengers were alarmed. They were afraid if the coffee maker was broken the pilots wouldn’t be able to sober up before they had to land the plane.

An Egyptian singer was jailed for “inciting debauchery” in a music video. To which Americans under 30 are asking “What’s a music video?”

An Egyptian singer was jailed for “inciting debauchery” in a music video. To which any Americans who have ever seen MTV are saying “That is so ‘80s.”

Scott Pruitt’s soundproof phone booth to prevent eavesdropping is being probed by an EPA watchdog. Pretty soon Pruitt will be known as the toxic waste whisperer.

Ambassador Woody Johnson says Donald Trump’s Twitter attack on the British Prime Minister was misinterpreted. Which is as easy to believe as Kim Jong-un saying his nuclear missile tests were just his kids’ school science project.

Saudi Arabia is going to allow movie theaters for the first time in 35 years. No one had any idea that the backlash in 1982 from “Heaven’s Gate” would last this long.

Saudi Arabia is going to allow movie theaters for the first time in 35 years. Although they have been without films for three decades, on the good side no one there has ever been subjected to an Adam Sandler movie.

Canada has ditched a plan to buy fighter jets from Boeing in favor of used aircraft from Australia. It’s mostly a money-saving move as it can be assumed the Australian fighter jets are still pretty much like right out of the box.

An analysis says the House and Senate tax bills treat disaster victims unequally. Mostly because each house of Congress is pretty much its own unique disaster.

A doctor helped deliver a patient’s baby at a gas station. The child was appropriately named Ethel.

A study says full moons spell extra danger for motorcycle riders. Which makes it a double hazard for both of the full moons sitting on the motorcycle seat.

India has banned ads for condoms from prime time TV. In a country of 1.3 Billion people, it’s obvious those commercials weren’t selling a lot of product anyway.

India says that Chinese construction on a river is dirtying the water. You know pollution has gotten out of hand when India is complaining about its water quality.

The LAPD is probing complaints that Roman Polanski molested a girl back in 1975. If convicted, he could be sentenced to run for the U.S. Senate.

A New Orleans Saints fan is suing the team over its players’ protest of the National Anthem. If baseball players ever joined the protests, that lawsuit wouldn’t happen at Dodger Stadium unless they performed the National Anthem in the 3rd inning.

Luc Robitaille’s wife says she was hit on by Donald Trump once in an elevator. Making a pass at a hockey player’s wife can be dangerous, and Trump is just lucky she didn’t use that elevator ride to go Solange on him.

Luc Robitaille’s wife says she was hit on by Donald Trump once in an elevator. All these reports of women being assaulted in elevators really shows there is something to the claims that it is much healthier to take the stairs.

Luc Robitaille’s wife says she was hit on by Donald Trump once in an elevator. All these reports of women being assaulted in elevators shows that many businessmen completely misinterpreted the entire concept of the “elevator pitch.”

Duane “The Rock” Johnson says he is seriously considering a run for President. He is trying to save his image by tracking down and buying every known copy of the movie “Baywatch.”

A fan paid $210,000 for a lesson from Tiger Woods. It turns out he didn’t want to learn to play golf, he just wanted Tiger’s best lines to use on waitresses.

The U.S. is investigating the awarding of the 2016 Olympics to Brazil. To which Brazil is saying to the U.S. how about instead investigation that election where the person who got the fewest votes became President?

Jose Canseco is being criticized for offensive tweets about sex molestation. To which even Donald Trump says “Dude, sometimes you just have to put down the phone.”

Gene Dias of the Houston Astros has won the Fishel Award for MLB public relations. He will really be put to the test with his next assignment. Trying to fix Jose Canseco.

Netflix is bringing back “The Punisher” for a second season. Which is not to be confused with an upcoming documentary about the Robert Mueller investigations.

A Bible taken on Apollo 13 will be auctioned off. The three astronauts on the flight say two things got them through the near disastrous mission. The Bible and the 50 boxes of astronaut diapers.

Scientists say they have found the fossil of an ancient giant penguin in New Zealand that stood six feet tall and weighed 220 pounds. Either that or their research vehicle ran over a nun.

Blood red skies over China have finally been explained 300 years later as the result of a magnetic storm. On top of that, science has advanced to where they know exactly why the skies are now the shade of mud brown.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has been banned from any contact with minors by a judge. If someone had put the same restrictions on Roy Moore, he might now be the Senator-elect.

Melania and Ivanka Trump’s votes in the New York City Mayoral race were thrown out. Apparently in an attempt to get him out of Washington, D.C. they both wrote in the name Robert Mueller.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the third sign of the apocalypse is now in place with the election of a Democratic Senator from Alabama. Not only did Roy Moore lose a cinch victory, every Chuck E. Cheese in the state has seen business drop by at least half. Rough time for Alabama. I didn’t see that one coming. Stranger things have happened. Like two Republican actors being picked to run California. I’m just glad I am not in the business of picking who is going to win these elections. I have a much easier job in just figuring out when it’s going to snow. I just hope I am right when I forecast all of you will remember to always keep on sending the love!



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