Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un says he can control the weather. Mostly in the fact he is trying to put the rest of the world under a nuclear winter.

A judge has told former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort to stop communicating with the media. If the Trump Administration were to stop talking to the media, Fox News would be running nothing but a test pattern.

The PGA says it will no longer accept input from fans over possible rules violations. That means those viewers will have to go back to keeping kids’ balls in their yard, writing angry letters to the editor and yelling at cable news channels.

A daredevil climber fell to his death in China. Although he made a longer career of it than the people there who really tempt the fates by criticizing the government.

A daredevil climber fell to his death in China. Although he still didn’t take as many chances as the people there who breathe the air, eat the food and drink the water.

A poll says Americans give Donald Trump higher grades with the economy than overall. Mostly because it is the one part of the country that is still in tact.

A poll says Americans give Donald Trump higher grades with the economy than overall. Which is ironic since the people who still support Trump are the ones who are always wearing overalls.

Churches across the country are coming up with special programs to bring back Millennials. Mostly by just finally giving them something to do to get out of their parents’ basement for a while.

A former Facebook executive says social media is “ripping society apart.” Mostly the people who take it personally when all their friends don’t “like” the pictures they posted of what they are eating for breakfast.

A former Facebook executive says social media is “ripping society apart.” Fortunately, the executive can take their millions of dollars and move to a bunker in New Zealand to await the apocalypse they caused.

Saudi Arabia has lifted a decades long ban against movie theaters. Apparently they were worried that too many people would get spoiled with the air conditioning and start demanding it everywhere.

The New York City pipe bomb suspect was reportedly a cab driver out for revenge. So apparently the biggest threat for terrorism isn’t ISIS as much as Uber.

Larry King is being accused of groping the ex-wife of Eddie Fisher back in 2005. Although King says that isn’t possible since that would have been the time right between heart attacks number five and six.

Larry King is being accused of groping the ex-wife of Eddie Fisher back in 2005. King denies the charges, saying all the women he has ever groped he ended up marrying.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is threatening to ban the opposition from future elections. To which Donald Trump is saying “You can do that?”

Vladimir Putin says Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel could be the end of the Middle East peace process. Apparently the 3,500th disruption in the peace process could finally be just one too many times.

The Treasury issued a one-page analysis of the GOP tax plan that says it will pay for itself. In a related story, a high school book report was found by Steve Mnuchin about “Moby Dick” that says it was about a nut trying to kill a whale.

The Treasury issued a one-page analysis of the 500 page GOP tax plan that says it will pay for itself. Apparently Steve Mnuchin wouldn’t have made it through college if it weren’t for CliffsNotes.

Shoppers using American Express cards will no longer have to sign receipts. Apparently it is a move to attract Millennials who thanks to computers and cellphones have never actually learned to sign their names in cursive.

Shoppers using American Express cards will no longer have to sign receipts. Which is great news for Alabamans who will no longer have to bring along a witness when they sign their “X.”

The new movie “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” is being dedicated to Carrie Fisher. Which will be inspirational to the three women who will actually go and see the film.

Wal-Mart is widening its appeal to compete with Amazon without leaving low-income shoppers behind. Mostly by working to get the business of the middle-low and upper-low income shoppers.

A report says soon people will be able to watch NFL games free on their phones with Yahoo. To which NFL fans across the country were saying Yippee.

A report says soon people will be able to watch NFL games free on their phones with Yahoo. Which is great news for fans who can now actually see what is taking place on the field during the game from their $150 seats in the nosebleed section.

A report says soon people will be able to watch NFL games free on their phones with Yahoo. The question being why on Sunday are they not at home where they can sit on their own couch and watch the games on a big screen TV?

Two generic versions of Viagra will soon be available. Apparently the price is coming down because the market is the one thing about the pill that is going soft.

Two generic versions of Viagra will soon be available. Which is good news for men who will find the cost of getting up is going down.

A study says having older brothers increases men’s chance of being gay. Which doesn’t bode well for the youngest brother in the Duggar family.

A study says having older brothers increases men’s chance of being gay. Mostly because the oldest ones get to play with the GI Joe action figures leaving the younger ones to fight with their sisters over the Barbie dollhouse.

A report says opioid prescriptions may run in families. Especially during the holidays when it’s the only way they can all cope with being around each other.

A study says two kids a day are injured by window blinds. So far the only adult claiming any injuries is Harvey Weinstein when the women he is peeping at slam them shut on his nose.

A survey says 72% of Americans believe the U.S. healthcare system is in a state of crisis. The other 28% have no idea since they haven’t been able to afford health insurance or see a doctor since 1992.

A study says 1 in 5 U.S. kids face a mental health crisis. Which is less than the number of their parents who have been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since the November elections.

A study says one third of Virginia children are not ready for kindergarten. What’s worse is that 90% of the kids tested were already in the 8th grade.

A study says kids ask adults 73 questions a day. 72 of them being “Are we there yet?”

A study says kids ask adults 73 questions a day. Which parents are fine with until one of them is “Where do babies come from?”

A study says health warnings on individual cigarettes could deter people from smoking. Especially when the smokers realize how dangerous it is to inhale the fumes from the artificial coloring to make the messages.

A study says health warnings on individual cigarettes could deter people from smoking. What’s even more effective is when they sell the space for advertisements for funeral homes.

The Jacksonville Jaguars have banned four fans who threw objects at Seahawks players during a game. Chargers players were shocked at the news. There are teams that can sell four tickets to a game?

LiAngelo and LaMelo Ball say their father’s plan to have them play in Lithuania will eventually get them on the Lakers. If nothing else, they will have the jump on other college athletes who can’t even find Lithuania on a map.

LiAngelo and LaMelo Ball say their father’s plan to have them play in Lithuania will eventually get them on the Lakers. At least as long as the team’s schedule doesn’t take them anywhere near China.

The UK Gambling Commission is warning that 500,000 children gamble every week. No one had any idea there were that many British children taking their chances to serve as Catholic altar boys.

A Wall Street analyst says Microsoft could be worth $1 Trillion by 2020. That doesn’t even include the Windows line of products, which could add another $5.78.

A Wall Street analyst says Microsoft could be worth $1 Trillion by 2020. Bill Gates is considering celebrating the event by spending more than $8 on his next haircut.

The world’s greenest cruise ship is being designed to be powered by sails. The bad part for passengers is that on calm days, the only way to get to the next stop is by being chained to the galley and given an oar.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is set to release a book next summer. It’s the one that will be written in all caps.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is set to release a book next summer. Although the book most the people in the Trump Administration are more concerned about is the one the judge may be throwing at them.

Donald Trump says he wants to send astronauts to the Moon and then Mars to “reclaim America’s proud destiny in space.” So now we’re even trying to make the other planets in the solar system great again?

Roy Moore says Alabama “won’t let people from other states control this election.” Except for the ones who are coming in to help read the ballots to the voters.

Roy Moore says Alabama “won’t let people from other states control this election.” People from other states are only welcome to pay the federal taxes that are needed to pretty much keep the state in business.

Roy Moore’s wife fended off charges of being anti-Semitic by claiming “One of our attorneys is a Jew!” Also their accountant, banker and favorite deli owner.

Roy Moore’s wife fended off charges of being anti-Semitic by claiming “One of our attorneys is a Jew!” She also said they aren’t racist because they have black servants, Hispanic yard workers and love Chinese food.

Donald Trump is reportedly furious with UN Ambassador Nikki Haley after she said the women accusing Trump of sexual misconduct “should be heard.” Mostly because Trump feels all women should only be interested in being seen and not heard.

A judge has ordered Alabama to preserve its voting records for today’s special Senate election. Although most Alabamans say that is a tough request as the time for preserves is in the spring and summer and not the middle of winter.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, today is the special Senate election in Alabama. Which anytime there is an election in Alabama we like to use the word “special.” Republicans are worried that Roy Moore may not be able to win in the wake of allegations about sexual misconduct, saying none of this would even be an issue if they had never gotten rid of that darn poll tax. Yes, Moore is on the record as saying that we should abolish every Constitutional Amendment after #10. Or was that the Commandments? I forget. Those other unnecessary amendments covered things that apparently should be more states’ rights, like that slavery thing and allowing women to vote. In other words, let’s make America antebellum again! I just don’t know what this world is coming to. But in the meantime I will just keep making jokes about it and be happy when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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