Friday, December 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Dictionary.com named “complicit” as the Word of the Year. To which Republicans say the choice was just collusion between Dictionary.com and the Democrats.

Australian scientists are saying that fertility treatments could regenerate the Great Barrier Reef. Like with any other fertility treatment, researchers will have to do the procedure Down Under.

An outage knocked out messaging app WhatsApp for much of Europe on Thursday. During that time most users were referring to it as “WhatsDown?”

A study says smartphone addiction creates a chemical imbalance in the brain. Which can be returned to normal by users when they instead spend time with their tablet, laptop or video console.

The FDA has cleared the first medical device accessory for the Apple Watch that can detect irregular heartbeats. Which mostly happen when people see buying an Apple Watch is going to set them back $400.

 The FDA has cleared the first medical device accessory for the Apple Watch that can detect irregular heartbeats. Which are mostly caused by people being so out of shape sitting around all day looking at their Apple Watch.

A report says the Muslim population in Europe could triple by 2050. Which makes sense as given the choice, would you rather live in a Middle Eastern desert or close to the French Riviera?

A report says global press freedom is at the worst level this century. Finally, one of Donald Trump’s plans that is actually working.

A report says global press freedom is at the worst level this century with reporters facing violence, prosecution and financial punishment. Which women reporters say is still better than having to work alongside Charlie Rose or Matt Lauer.

A report says global press freedom is at the worst level this century with reporters facing violence, prosecution and financial punishment. Although the source couldn’t be checked because reporters were too afraid to put their names on it.

Scientists say using man-made DNA to create a semi-synthetic strain of bacteria. The only question being do we really need scientists to give the world more bacteria?

A report says L.A. sound stages were at nearly 100% occupancy in 2016. Mostly to accommodate every celebrity who felt their life is worthy of their own reality show.

Trump adviser Stephen Miller ripped what he called the “era of hyper advocacy journalism.” Mostly because it keeps getting in the way of the hyper advocacy efforts of the Trump White House.

Trump insiders claim his presidency has “unstoppable momentum” despite media “derision.” The bad part is that “unstoppable momentum” is usually a phrase reserved to describe a runaway Amtrack train.

France discovered a large shipment of mushrooms from Russia that contained radiation. Remember when a “mushroom trip” meant using psilocybin and not jumping in an ambulance to go to the ER?

France discovered a large shipment of mushrooms from Russia that contained radiation. The good news is that all you do is add butter and they saute themselves.

A study says dogs lick their mouths as a way to communicate with angry humans. Although when people get that response after becoming angry with a pit bull, it might just mean the dog is licking its chops.

Ray Moore is blaming sex allegations against him on lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transsexuals and socialists. The only question is in which of those groups did he find all those 14 year old girls?

Cumulus Radio has filed for bankruptcy. Ironically, Cumulus was done in by people listening to music online on the cloud.

A study says 57% of American kids are on track to be obese by the time they are 35. The other 43% got a big head start by getting there by the time they were 10.

A study says 57% of American kids are on track to be obese by the time they are 35. The other 43% are so fat the odds are against them even making it to 35.

U.S. troops are getting freeze-dried plasma for use on the battlefield. Apparently it’s for the soldiers who need to be more cold-blooded in combat.

U.S. troops are getting freeze-dried plasma for use on the battlefield. It’s so convenient, all they have to do to prepare it for use is add blood.

U.S. troops are getting freeze-dried plasma for use on the battlefield. As opposed to the freeze-dried blood that vampires refer to as TV dinners.

New York City is considering ending 24/7 subway service. Which is really bad news for all the gropers, flashers and perverts who also happen to have insomnia.

Political unrest has gripped Honduras following a disputed presidential election. To which the U.S. is telling them “You’ll get used to it.”

The U.S. is warning North Korean leadership they will be “utterly destroyed” if war breaks out. Although North Korea isn’t that scared because we are the ones who also told Iraq we would be greeted as liberators.

A report says war, hunger and extremism will intensify in 2018. But then, things will calm down again right after the November elections.

A report says war, hunger and extremism will intensify in 2018. Meaning the Trump Administration will be able to pass both their tax and healthcare reform plans.

Jim Nabors, TV’s “Gomer Pyle” has died at age 87. People were surprised at the news. Jim Nabors was still alive?

Jim Nabors, TV’s “Gomer Pyle” has died at age 87. Fans around the world mourned his passing by hanging their heads and saying “Gollleeeee.”

Two Massachusetts men were convicted of shooting to death a gang member shoveling snow for a nonprofit group. He should have listened to all the warnings about how shoveling snow can be dangerous to people’s health.

American Airlines says only a “few hundred” flights instead of several thousand are without pilots due to a scheduling glitch. Apparently it’s because of all their pilots simultaneously taking time off to work their second holiday job at Wal-Mart.

American Airlines says only a “few hundred” flights instead of several thousand are without pilots due to a scheduling glitch. So all they need to do is hire and train a couple hundred pilots before Christmas and the problem is solved.

The U.N. says 17 World Heritage sites in the Arab region are in danger. Mostly because everything is in danger that is located in the Arab region.

A U.S. company is providing kits for people to grow their own Christmas tree. Which includes a seed and instructions to add water and wait ten years.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has put up property worth $11.7 Million for bail in role in collusion with the Russians. Apparently he was forced into the move as the Department of Justice refused to accept payment in rubles.

Forever 21 stores are being sued for $4 Million over videos taken in a bathroom and put on Internet porn sites. The woman says if she wanted videos taken of her in the bathroom, she would have gone to the public library.

The Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award was given to Colin Kaepernick. Although most Sports Illustrated readers are only interested in the legacy of this year’s cover model for the Swimsuit issue.

Knott’s Berry Farm in California has been given a deadline to fix a log ride that has had safety issues. The ruling has really put the theme park in a jam.

A report gives tips on how to design a kitchen to promote weight loss. Tip number one, put a padlock on the refrigerator door…

A study says teens fixated on their smartphones experience brain changes that mirror addiction. The sad part is that many parents would be happier if their kids traded in their smartphone and instead picked up a crack pipe.

An Ohio brewery is making algae beer to spotlight the threat to Lake Erie. Although if people wanted real algae beer they would just switch over to Budweiser.

The inspiration for the Ice Bucket Challenge has died at age 46. His obituary will read that he kicked the ice bucket.

A study says that dogs are smarter than cats. Scientists will now use the method to test other intelligence mysteries, like whether Donald Trump smarter than a trained circus flea?

Matt Lauer has deleted his Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts after being fired for sexual harassment. To which Anthony Weiner is saying he wishes he had thought of that a little earlier.

Ashley Graham says the term “plus size” divisive to women. Although the term comes from most fashion models wearing clothes in the negative size range.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was selected the most popular NASCAR driver for the 15th straight year. And as usual, NASCAR fans again selected their other favorites of Velveeta, Pabst Blue Ribbon and Mountain Dew.

Charles Barkley says he doesn’t know why he and Tiger Woods are not friends anymore. Although it may have something to do with Tiger wanting just once to be able to eat all his own hash browns at Carrows.

A poll says fewer people support Donald Trump’s involvement in the NFL National Anthem protests. Although at least it does take his mind off starting a nuclear war with North Korea, taking away health care and giving tax breaks to the rich.

Mick Mulvaney says the authority he has at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau “should frighten people.” He’s right. Most people are scared to death over any authority given to Mick Mulvaney.

A survey says 40% of Americans say Fox News should win Donald Trump’s proposed fake news trophy. The other 60% say they prefer to go right to the source for fake news and follow Trump’s Twitter account.

A survey says 40% of Americans say Fox News should win Donald Trump’s proposed fake news trophy, while only 2% say it should go to NBC. Mostly because Matt Lauer was too busy chasing interns to have time to make up any fake news.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That’s it for another week of jokes from yours truly. I am glad you log in every day to check out the jokes. I am considering starting to post these on Twitter. Any thoughts or comments? Let me know by writing me at jimbarach@hotmail.com. Just click on the link and you are there. I always love to hear from my readers. Mostly to see just how many people there are out there with a lot of spare time on their hands. And of course, nothing makes me feel better than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!