Thursday, November 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Department of Justice is demanding CNN be sold as a condition of the AT&T-Time Warner merger. Which shows that Donald Trump really doesn’t control the DOJ as he would just demand they shut the news channel down.

The Department of Justice is demanding CNN be sold as a condition of the AT&T-Time Warner merger. With all their viewers, the sale could bring as much as $47.

The Department of Justice is demanding CNN be sold as a condition of the AT&T-Time Warner merger. Time Warner is asking if instead they can just trade Anderson Cooper, Don Lemon and an anchor to be named later.

NASA is working with Uber on a flying taxi project. Now with those two groups working together, what could possibly go wrong?

NASA is working with Uber on a flying taxi project. That collaboration has people about as excited as the merger between Time Warner and AT&T. (Like how I fit that in with the previous jokes?)

A report says more NFL sponsors are threatening to pull out over protests of the National Anthem. It’s too bad they can’t work out a deal with a company that makes knee pads.

The NAACP in California is pushing to get rid of the National Anthem. So far they are getting support from every singer who doesn’t have at least a three-octave range.

The NAACP in California is pushing to get rid of the National Anthem. Not to say some singers over-dramatize it, but eliminating it would finally get some games in at under three hours.

Pope Francis I is urging priests and bishops to not use their cellphones during church service. Which they mostly use to send out texts to parishioners telling them to wake up.

At the trial of Senator Bob Menendez, a juror reportedly asked the judge “what is a Senator?” People were surprised. They had no idea they had brought over the same jury from the O.J. Simpson trial.

At the trial of Senator Bob Menendez, a juror reportedly asked the judge “what is a Senator?” The problem for Menendez is when they find out, it could become a death penalty case.

A study says the key to happiness is choosing the right friends. Like being able to hang around super models and wealthy people who like to pick up the check.

Harvard hosted an anal sex workshop on campus. Which turns out was just a metaphor for how students can cope when their tuition loan payments are due.

President Obama was sent home after reporting for jury duty in Chicago. Which Donald Trump says happened because Obama didn’t embrace his policies.

President Obama was sent home after reporting for jury duty in Chicago. Apparently the lawyers felt that since Obama only commanded the war against Middle East terrorists, he just isn’t ready to take on a case involving real Chicago criminals.

Author Gay Talese says he is sorry for Kevin Spacey and his accusers should “suck it up.” Which is exactly the suggestion that got Spacey in trouble in the first place.

Marissa Mayer has apologized for the Yahoo breach. Now people are just waiting for her mea culpa for walking out with $186 Million after wrecking the company.

California has banned farmers from using pesticides near schools. Although there hasn’t been a school placed near a farm there since they wrapped up filming “Little House on the Prairie.”

The Michigan Senate has OK’d carrying concealed weapons in schools and bars. Apparently because children and drunks are slower and much easier to shoot.

The Michigan Senate has OK’d carrying concealed weapons in schools and bars. To which most people in Detroit are saying “concealed?”

Donald Trump says he will be a “big loser” with the GOP tax plan. Especially when like all his other legislative proposals Congress fails to pass that, too.

Donald Trump says he will be a “big loser” with the GOP tax plan. In fact, it may cost him so much money he could actually be talked into showing his tax returns.

A report says thousands of people in Puerto Rico have no running water, which is making them sick. Almost as sick as the thousands of people in Flint, Michigan who do have running water.

The House and Senate have agreed on a $700 Billion deal for the Pentagon. That means they have reworked an old phrase which is now “Billions for defense, but not one cent for healthcare.”

A Palestinian woman was arrested after killing 18 people at her wedding with poison. The wedding wouldn’t have even happened if she had just revealed to her fiancée how bad of a cook she is.

A study says sheep can recognize people from photos. Especially the ones who fall asleep at night by counting humans.

Donald Trump told North Korea if they doubt the strength or determination of the U.S., just look to the past. They have to look to the past since we haven’t had any strength or determination since about last November.

A study says the GOP tax plan would hike taxes on 31% of the middle class by 2027. Mostly because the other 69% of the middle class by then will be in the lower class.

A survey says half of all Americans think jobs are plentiful, with half also feeling they are not getting paid enough to get by. The good news is that there are so many jobs around it is easy to make up the difference by just taking on two or three more.

Panera founder Ron Shaich will step down as CEO. It’s a job that may require more than one replacement, so stockholders are telling the board “You pick two.”

A survey says more people using dating apps won’t go out with someone holding different political views. Although men are much more forgiving, and can look past an opposing view if she has other attributes. Meaning she is hot.

Billionaire Carl Icahn has been subpoenaed for his former role advising Donald Trump on biofuels. Which was just nice to see someone in the news for once be subpoenaed over something besides Russia or sexual harassment.

A private prison group is being sued for using forced labor. Apparently they felt since the country seems on the verge of civil war again, they thought it only appropriate to bring back slavery.

44 New Jersey train engineers have been sidelined for sleep apnea. How bad is it when everyone else on the train can hear the snoring over the noise of a diesel locomotive engine?

44 New Jersey train engineers have been sidelined for sleep apnea. The good news is they are all being reassigned to new positions as air traffic controllers.

A New Jersey woman who injured a five-year old girl by throwing her in front of a train has been deemed insane. How crazy do you have to be to have a court rule you are not mentally stable enough to fit in with New Jersey?

A study says the brain gets priority over muscles when both are competing for energy. Which finally explains where they came up with the term “muscle head.”

A study says the brain gets priority over muscles when both are competing for energy. Which is why so many more people can be found on the living room couch as opposed to working out in the gym.

A study says IUDs have a health benefit for women. Mostly by keeping them from being exhausted from chasing around several children all day.

A study says the brain can function up to 20 seconds after death. Although it’s a lot worse with people who were smoking pot when they died whose heads can take up to four days to finally figure out what happened.

A study says the brain can function 20 seconds after death. The worst part for the deceased is spending that last 20 seconds wondering if they left the water running.

A study says the brain can function up to 20 seconds after death. Which really must have made for some awkward conversations during the French Revolution for whoever was in charge of operating the guillotine.

A study says the brain can function up to 20 seconds after death. Which is sad for the people who spend their final seconds on Earth thinking they knew they shouldn’t have ordered that Gordita combo.

Jimmy Carter says the lack of universal health care should be “a national scandal.” Which means it should be right up there with the other scandals like the Russian hackers, private jet flights, Trump University, the Trump Foundation…

A study says men can also get postpartum depression. Although it usually takes longer, right around the time their kids are 18 and the first college tuition bills start rolling in.

A study says stress can cause acne. Which is really bad for teenagers who spend their entire days worrying that their whole weekend could be ruined by one pimple.

Singer Carnie Wilson says she was fat shamed on Howard Stern’s TV show in 1999. To which people who listened to Howard Stern back then are saying “That’s all?”

Caitlyn Jenner says she hasn’t spoken to Kim Kardashian in a year and “it’s devastating.” Mostly from being kicked out of the family and losing all that camera time.

Jerry Jones is threatening to sue the NFL to block Roger Goodell’s contract extension. Remember when things were so much easier in the NFL and all anyone worried about was players taking an occasional knee?

A Chinese law expert says the three UCLA basketball players arrested for shoplifting were unlikely to face severe punishment. Although he says it could be a bit more difficult to play the game without a head.

A Chinese law expert says the three UCLA basketball players arrested for shoplifting were unlikely to face severe punishment. Fortunately, like in the U.S. it’s just a good thing they are athletes and not someone expendable like, say a physicist.

A Chinese law expert says the three UCLA basketball players arrested for shoplifting were unlikely to face severe punishment. Although it is going to be hard to play any games until they figure out how to get out of those tricky finger handcuffs.

Bob Costas says football “destroys people’s brains.” Next will be his diagnosis that the Olympics causes pinkeye.

Microsoft and LinkedIn have teamed up to help people with their online resumes. The first hint is never send a resume to Microsoft or any other Silicon Valley company if you are over 30.

A self-driving shuttle in Las Vegas got into an accident on its first day. The only injuries reported were to the casinos that took 7-5 odds that it would happen.

Stephen Hawking says humanity may have less than 600 years to leave Earth. Although he is making a big assumption that we will be able to survive the next three years with Donald Trump in the White House.

That’s if for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Do you realize that Thanksgiving is two weeks from tomorrow? I guess if you didn’t, you do now. Where does all the time go? Which I am sure that is what all of you ask every day after reading this blog. I love Thanksgiving. It is a time to reflect and give thanks that the people in Washington, D.C. haven’t blown us all off the face of the planet. Yet. That may sound pessimistic but then if you didn’t know that you must be new here. But the one thing that keeps me going is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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