Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Three UCLA basketball players including LiAngelo Ball were arrested for shoplifting in China. If they wanted to steal cheap stuff made in China, why didn’t just wait until they got back home and do it at Wal-Mart?

Three UCLA basketball players including LiAngelo Ball were arrested for shoplifting in China. The State Department is already trying to work out a deal at the urging of the NBA to make a deal where we swap LiAngelo for his dad LaVar.

Three UCLA basketball players including LiAngelo Ball were arrested for shoplifting in China. This shows a serious problem in how the UCLA Alumni Association needs to catch up with how much it pays off its student athletes.

Three UCLA basketball players including LiAngelo Ball were arrested for shoplifting in China. The NCAA was just glad they finally found a team where the players are more corrupt than the coaches.

Three UCLA basketball players including LiAngelo Ball were arrested for shoplifting in China. Which is his dad’s fault for making those Big Baller Brand shoes so expensive he can’t afford to just buy a pair.

A poll says views of the Democratic Party are at their lowest in 25 years. Mostly because back then, Hillary Clinton was only known to everyone as First Lady.

A poll says views of the Democratic Party are at their lowest in 25 years. Fortunately for them, the one group that is going down even faster is the Republicans.

The lawyers for drug kingpin El Chapo say he is experiencing hallucinations and paranoia in his jail cell. Which means he is now finding out what it was like to be one of his former customers.

Drag racer Courtney Force will be driving a funny car featuring Taylor Swift’s new album cover. Although it would make more sense for a drag racer to team up with RuPaul.

Drag racer Courtney Force will be driving a funny car featuring Taylor Swift’s new album cover. Although you would think Taylor Swift would look for a team that had a different man behind the wheel each race.

Wrestler Ric Flair says he slept with 10,000 women. The worst part was that when they found out he was a wrestler, they all faked it.

Wrestler Ric Flair says he slept with 10,000 women. And fortunately, unlike Hulk Hogan he had the sense to not put any of it on tape.

Wrestler Ric Flair says he slept with 10,000 women. Although he may not have been an A List celebrity, but on the list that counts with most men he is right up there between Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Simmons.

A report says more people are ditching smartphones. Mostly because with the iPhone X going for $1,000, buying one takes the “smart “right out of smartphone.

The world’s fastest production car by Koenigsegg goes up to 284.5 MPH. It even goes Zero-to-the-next-gas-station in under six seconds.

Johnny Depp has had five properties in L.A. go into foreclosure. Which has impressed local residents who know how hard it was to come up with the money to have just one home be foreclosed.

The German army is practicing with a war game scenario that features the breakup of the EU. After Brexit and the Catalan crisis, why don’t they just wait another six months for it to happen for real.

Facebook has an idea to take people’s naked pictures to prevent other people from sharing them. To which Anthony Weiner is saying why would anyone want that?

Facebook has an idea to take people’s naked pictures to prevent other people from sharing them. Which used to be the opening line for middle aged men on Myspace.

Rand Paul broke five ribs after being attacked by his Kentucky neighbor. No one had any idea he lived next door to Jack Daniels.

Rand Paul broke five ribs after being attacked by his Kentucky neighbor. He is considering moving in next door to Justin Bieber so the worst that can happen is cleaning a few eggs off his house.

Syria says it will join the Paris climate accord, leaving the U.S. as the lone holdout. Mostly because Donald Trump has his own climate plan which includes putting the entire planet under a nuclear winter.

U.S. consumer credit has risen to its highest level since last November. Which just shows we spend 11 months of the year saving so we have enough to go completely in debt in time for Christmas.

United Airlines made its final flight with a 747 from San Francisco to Honolulu, commemorating its first flight with the plane in 1970. To mark the occasion, they were even able to round up the final pieces of missing luggage.

United Airlines made its final flight with a 747 from San Francisco to Honolulu. Passengers on the flight marked the occasion by being dragged off the plane and given a souvenir black eye and broken nose.

The oldest map that features the word “America” will be put up for sale. Just as soon as the auction house can figure out how to fold it back up.

The oldest map that features the word “America” will be put up for sale. Apparently it was found behind some leftover maps of Alabama at a regional AAA stand.

The GOP tax bill will end deductions for wildfire and earthquake victims but keep them for hurricanes. Which is Donald Trump’s way of looking at the Electoral College map and seeing how the vote went in California versus the South.

Severe air pollution has been declared a public health emergency in Delhi, India with the Air Quality Index up to 316. People were surprised. When did they start measuring the quality of anything in India?

Severe air pollution has been declared a public health emergency in Delhi, India. Fortunately, to keep things calm they are avoiding measuring the quality of the food, water and building construction.

Twitter has doubled the character limit for nearly all users to 280. They are still trying to keep Donald Trump down to 140 so he can’t fit in enough countries at once to start World War III.

A report says ending “House of Cards” would eliminate 2,000 jobs. And those are just all of Kevin Spacey’s personal assistants.

Oprah Winfrey’s effect is working at Weight Watchers, which reported 600,000 new subscribers in the past year. Oprah is the only person who can lose pounds while still becoming even more of a heavyweight.

The Trump Administration has opened the door to impose Medicaid work requirements. Right at the same time they are looking at healthcare reform to close the door on anyone being able to get Medicaid.

Janet Yellen says public trust in the Fed ethics is critical. Which is different than how it is now with everyone being critical of the lack of ethics in the Fed.

Amazon has launched two furniture brands. Mostly to be able to sell couches to the people they can sit on while eating all the groceries and staring at the TVs and computers they bought on Amazon.

The Bay Area may start requiring three people in cars to use the HOV lanes. That number goes up to 47 for anyone driving a car while in clown makeup.

A study says over the counter pain relievers work as well for ER patients as opioids. Although doctors like to prescribe opioids not for the physical pain but for when they give patients their hospital bill.

A UConn study says teens who use alcohol and pot reduce their chances of success later in life. Which is bad news for all the students enrolled at UConn.

A study says sleepless nights affect the brain as much as alcohol. Especially for the people who stay up until 4:00 in the morning getting drunk.

The WHO is urging an end to using antibiotics on healthy animals to slow down resistance. That way the antibiotics will have more of an effect on the people who need them after they eat the meat at Chipotle.

A report says ID theft can drive people to consider suicide. Meaning in a technical sense as they actually want to kill the person who is claiming to be them.

Experimental technology can “smell” disease on people’s breath. Especially those who just finished off a Chalupa combination platter at Taco Bell.

Experimental technology can “smell” disease on people’s breath. Which means the GOP will alter their healthcare overhaul to just provide everyone with a mint.

A painting by Britney Spears sold at a charity auction for $10,000. Although there was some question as to who was really the artist as she was just brush syncing.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood says she was nervous telling her parents she was pregnant again. Mostly because now they are going to have to babysit an infant as well as her 8 year old daughter.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood says she was nervous telling her parents she was pregnant again. Although how hard could it be to take since they are already used to her not being married and also having an 8 year old?

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood says she was nervous telling her parents she was pregnant again. Although the fact she was knocked up as a teen is the only reason she even has an income in the first place.

Harvey Weinstein has been banned for life from the TV Academy. To which even Pete Rose, Tonya Harding and Lance Armstrong are saying he is getting away with a wrist slap.

Diddy says he is not changing his name to “Brother Love.” Apparently he feels that “Diddy” has a much more distinguished and respectable sound to it.

Hornets center Dwight Howard has been fined $25,000 for making an obscene gesture at a fan. Which means he could have saved himself a lot of digits if he had shown them at least one other digit.

Nike says it is planning to improve its NBA jerseys after several have ripped. If it isn’t fixed, it could really be an embarrassment the next time Dennis Rodman decides to put on his Nike wedding dress.

The Celtics Kyrie Irving says he “craved” an intellectual mind like his coach Brad Stevens. Meaning we can only hope that Stevens isn’t the one teaching Irving the Earth is flat, dinosaurs didn’t exist and the Moon landing was a fake.

NBA referees are asking fans to be “reasonable” now that Twitter has increased the character limit to 280. If they are serious about that, the question is have they ever heard of Donald Trump?

Donald Trump is telling Democrats he would “get killed” financially under the GOP tax plan. Which is bad because if it was like his tax returns, they would never be able to find the body.

Uber has a new mantra, “We do the right thing. Period.” Which if read including punctuation would say “We do the right thing period period period.”

Uber has a new mantra, “We do the right thing. Period.” Although most people would say that should actually read “We do the right thing. Question mark.”

Uber has a new mantra, “We do the right thing. Period.” As opposed to the old mantra, “We have the right to remain silent.”

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2,300 year old gym. The news didn’t impress everyone, especially those who think hieroglyphics are a form of aerobic exercise.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Feel free to write me at jimbarach@hotmail.com with any questions or comments, as long as they aren’t questions from the IRS or comments that don’t begin with “I really like your jokes…” I would like to hear suggestions on how I can improve the blog, besides “how about writing funnier jokes?” I am thinking of putting my jokes on Twitter, which will be easier now that the character limit is up to 280. If they would just make it 14,000 I could just fit the whole blog on one tweet. Now that would fit my style. Things must change and I accept that, but for me the way to make me happy is still by remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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