Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Several Saudi princes have been accused of bribery, embezzlement and money laundering. Apparently they were updating their resumes to try and get work in the White House.

Several Saudi princes have been accused of bribery, embezzlement and money laundering. Hey, why should the princes in Nigeria be the only ones getting rich?

Several Saudi princes have been accused of bribery, embezzlement and money laundering. It’s hard to believe a nation run by oil could become so corrupt.

A report says white male students are often called on last in college classes. It’s just nice to see that some of the athletes are even bothering to show up.

A report says white male students are often called on last in college classes. Mostly as a time saving measure to get to the students first who have the right answers.

Anthony Weiner was dropped off at prison by his brother for the start of his sentence. To which he told him “Just wait here and keep it running until 2019.”

Anthony Weiner was dropped off at prison by his brother for the start of his sentence. People were surprised that soon to be ex-wife Huma Abedin wasn’t the one volunteering to be behind the wheel on that drive.

A report says the commute in Southern California is 53.7 minutes and is the nation’s most stressed. Especially for the women who agreed to get in on the office carpool with Harvey Weinstein.

A Pennsylvania man killed a woman after she turned down his marriage proposal. It’s just a good thing it didn’t end up happening for everyone to see on the Jumbotron at a 76ers game.

Senator Rand Paul broke five ribs after being tackled at his home by a neighbor. You would think he would be more prepared for an ambush after what Donald Trump did to him on all those presidential debates.

A report says Millennials are ready to give up on capitalism. Which is no surprise for a generation that is piling up massive college tuition debt to get a minimum job that lets them afford to live in their parents’ basement.

A survey says 4 in 10 healthcare professionals work while they are sick. How else are they expected to drum up some return business?

Paul Manafort’s lawyers say he is “too famous” to be a flight risk. Which is ironic in that the reason people recognize him is from all the media coverage of his crimes.

Paul Manafort’s lawyers say he is “too famous” to be a flight risk. Which is hard to believe as he hasn’t even been on a reality show.

Paul Manafort’s lawyers say he is “too famous” to be a flight risk. Isn’t that the same thing they said about O.J. Simpson right before the slow speed chase down the 405?

A report says Senator Rand Paul was “blindsided” in an attack by a neighbor. Almost like someone going to the ER for a similar attack who finds out the Senate has voted to take away their healthcare.

A Virginia teacher is appealing her conviction of plying a teenage student with alcohol and cigarettes to have sex. Apparently her defense is who has ever had to bribe a teenage boy to have sex?

California Governor Jerry Brown is taking his fight to the Vatican, saying the world needs a “brainwashing” on climate change. And who better to go to than the group that has brainwashed billions of people into practicing Catholicism?

The Supreme Court has upheld the death penalty for an Alabama murderer who can’t remember his crimes. Which is tough for lawyers who just lost any chance of an acquittal through the “I forgot” defense.

The U.S. now says it will continue to participate in climate talks. Which many countries are discouraging because the lip service just results in more global warming from all the hot air.

The U.S. now says it will continue to participate in climate talks. Apparently someone is just trying to make Donald Trump mad by making announcements like that every time he leaves the country.

The CIA says allegations that Lee Harvey Oswald was working for the agency are “completely unfounded.” Which is easy to prove he wasn’t with the CIA because he was actually able to carry out his mission.

A report says the price of pot in California could rise 70% in 2018. Which will be tough for some people who will only be able to afford it by dipping into the pizza jar.

A report says the price of pot in California could rise 70% in 2018. Usually the only way that happens for a product is to put an Apple logo on it.

T.J. Maxx is still paying employees at its Puerto Rico stores even as they are still closed after the hurricane. Mostly because they are actually doing better with the stores closed because of the lack of shoplifting.

Uber has pledged $5 Million for sex assault prevention. Or as Harvey Weinstein calls that, a slush fund for future legal settlements.

A study says long spaceflights can put pressure on the human brain. Which could be cured by telling the astronauts to maybe take their helmets off once in awhile.

A report says Chopin’s heart is pickled in an alcohol-filled jar and offers clues to the cause of his death. People had no idea he had the same cardiologist as Dick Cheney.

Scientists say they have discovered why people keep thinking unwanted thoughts of bad memories. It’s called never being allowed to forget anything by your mother.

A study says social media can boost weight loss success. Mostly the people who decide to lose weight to keep from being endlessly fat shamed on Facebook.

A study says TV ads still push unhealthy food on kids. Which wouldn’t be a problem if the kids didn’t see them because they are sitting in front of a TV screen all day.

A psychologist says there are five factors that may predict divorce. Four of those are pretty much picking a marriage partner who is a man.

The CMA is apologizing for restricting questions at their awards show about guns or politics. Apparently they wanted interviews to center around the country music lifestyle and be limited to alcohol, divorce and Waffle House brawls.

Ben Affleck says he wants to end sexual harassment in Hollywood. Which apparently means he is moving to Encino.

Ben Affleck says he wants to end sexual harassment in Hollywood. Which means an end to Kevin Spacey using Uber to take him to the Weinstein Company.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood is pregnant again. Talk about a performer being able to get into character.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood is pregnant again. Which means there could be a new show called “Millennial Mom” to be followed by Middle Aged Grandma.”

Diddy says he is changing his name again to Brother Love. How old is the rapper getting when he names himself after a Neil Diamond song?

The former Puff Daddy says he is changing his name again to Brother Love, saying he hopes it doesn’t come off as “corny.” Which brings up the question why didn’t he just change his name to Corn Puffs?

A study says binge watching causes the same neurological response as addiction. Especially for people who sit there watching several episodes of “Breaking Bad.”

A study says binge watching causes the same neurological response as addiction. Especially for those who do enough of either and end up with an EEG that flat lines.

Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon says he used drugs or alcohol before every game. And that was just to go out in public after putting on his Browns uniform.

Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon says he used drugs or alcohol before every game. To which die-hard Browns fans are saying “Welcome to our world.”

Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon says he used drugs or alcohol before every game. Which explains why when Johnny Manziel called an audible to throw the ball to him it was always “Johnny Walker Red!”

The Houston Astros are selling dirt from World Series Game 7 at Dodger Stadium for $50 a jar. Which is a great deal even for people who aren’t baseball fans who can finally own some L.A. real estate for less than $750,000.

A report says Alabama football players were paid to sign autographs in 2009. Which was nice since the memorabilia dealer could have just forged all those X’s himself.

Browns executive Sashi Brown is denying reports he sabotaged a trade with Cincinnati for A.J. McCarron. For one thing, the front office of a team that is 0-8 could probably be accused of sabotaging a lot more than just a trade.

Lamborghini is teaming up with MIT to develop a battery-free electric supercar. Which won’t mean a whole lot to people with the combination of a school they could never get into along with a car they will never be able to afford.

Astronomers have discovered a galaxy they say is almost as old as the Big Bang. Which is not to be confused with the age of the average viewer of CBS which shows “The Big Bang Theory.”

A new species of orangutan has been discovered in Indonesia, which experts are warning could soon become extinct. How bad are humans for the environment that we declare new species endangered as soon as we find them?

Twitter is being criticized for censoring pictures with a “bisexual” hashtag. It got really bad when people realized they couldn’t even post pictures of a real rainbow.

A zucchini was mistaken for a World War II bomb in Germany. Which makes it hard to believe it took so many years for the Allies to come out the winners.

A zucchini was mistaken for a World War II bomb in Germany. Apparently there was a communications error where someone thought it was “nuke” instead of “zuke.”

DNC chairman Tom Perez says “insufficient and substandard tools” hindered Hillary Clinton in 2016. Although some people thought Perez was being a little rough on his description of her campaign staff.

A survey says 36% of Americans approve of the job being done by Donald Trump. No one had any idea that there were still that many people watching Fox News.

A survey says 36% of Americans approve of the job being done by Donald Trump. With numbers even that high, the rest at least finally believe Trump’s claims that the media is putting out nothing but fake news.

Two Pennsylvania children are suing Donald Trump over climate change. The worst part is that after the lawsuit was filed, Donald Trump, Jr. came over to their home and stole all their Halloween candy.

Donald Trump praised the Saudi corruption purge, saying “they know exactly what they are doing.” He says he will begin his own corruption purge just as soon as all the people in his administration are done taking what they want.

Donald Trump says North Korea is a “threat to the civilized world.” Which is good news for Americans who know as long as Trump is in charge that means we are safe.

Rand Paul was attacked by his Kentucky neighbor over an unknown dispute. At least we finally know what Kellyanne Conway was talking about when she made all those claims about the “Bowling Green Massacre.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of top notch topical jokes are now finished for your viewing pleasure. Which is not to be confused with the stuff I just put online here. But what do you expect for free? At least my jokes are guaranteed to be grammatically correct with proper punctuation. If there are any mistakes, you get all your money back. Thanks for checking out the blog, and feel free to make any comments or suggestions at jimbarach@hotmail.com. Just keep it clean is all I ask. Well, not all. Of course it makes my day when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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