Sunday, November 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Clocks were set back over the weekend to end Daylight Saving Time. While Democrats wished they could set them back to just before the November elections.

Kroger grocery stores will start carrying clothing items. Plus sized jeans will have their own display aisle, right next to the bakery and frozen desserts section.

Sears says it will close 63 more stores. People were surprised at the news. There are still 63 Sears stores in business?

A Florida school is offering students bulletproof backpacks. No one even knew George Zimmerman had any school aged children.

A Florida school is offering students bulletproof backpacks. That’s the school where kids don’t use chalk as much for hopscotch drawings as they do body outlines.

A Florida school is offering students bulletproof backpacks. It’s for the kids who feel their Stand Your Ground rights are an integral part of dodge ball.

An Oregon school district says sexually active students must be reported to police. What’s worse is that those are the students who are found out by going through the teachers’ cellphone directories.

A Florida school is segregating children at lunch by grades and attendance. Which is unnecessary as the A students who are at school every day are the only ones who stick around campus through lunchtime anyways.

A Florida woman was charged with DUI on a horse. What’s worse is that she thought she was driving a 1977 Pinto.

A Beluga whale has reportedly learned to speak to dolphins after being moved into the same tank. No one had any idea that dolphin was available on Rosetta Stone.

A Beluga whale has reportedly learned to speak to dolphins after being moved into the same tank. Apparently the whale actually learned the language from watching old TV reruns of “Flipper.”

CNN is reportedly putting a paywall on its website. That would be the first time they would be in support of any wall since Donald Trump became President.

A report says carjackings in Chicago have surged lately. Which is good news in that enough people are employed and gas prices are affordable enough to make it practical to steal a car to get to work.

Rapper Fetty Wap was arrested for DUI after being caught driving 100 MPH in Brooklyn. Coincidentally, “Fetty Wap” is also the sound a body makes being pulled out of a car onto the pavement by eight Brooklyn police officers.

Rapper Fetty Wap was arrested for DUI after being caught driving 100 MPH in Brooklyn. People were suspicious of the charges. When has anyone been able to drive 100 MPH through traffic anywhere in New York City?

A report says an STD that can make people blind is on the rise. Which shocked people raised in the 1960s. You can now go blind having sex with someone else?

A Maryland postal worker won a $10 Million lottery jackpot. The fitting part is that they will have to wait three years for the official verification to arrive by mail.

Lou Diamond Phillips was arrested for DUI in Portland, Texas. He was so drunk he knew he was in Portland but wasn’t sure if it was Maine or Oregon.

Lou Diamond Phillips was arrested for DUI in Portland, Texas. His excuse is what else is there to do in Portland, Texas?

Astronomers prepared for the Beaver Moon over the weekend. The event also caused every snickering 9th grader to volunteer to write an extra credit science paper about it.

Astronomers prepared for the Beaver Moon over the weekend. Which sounds more like code for scientists calling for a night out at the local strip club.

Recently released JFK assassination files link Martin Luther King, Jr. to multiple affairs. Some of the files also showed the FBI tried to follow a few leads on who killed Kennedy.

Anthony Weiner is set to report to jail this week. What’s worse is that any naked pictures of him showing up in any texts will be sent out by his cellmates.

China says insulting the national anthem will be punishable by jail. Which may have something to do with Donald Trump’s nomination for Ambassador to China of Colin Kaepernick.

A government climate change report is at odds with the Trump Administration, saying there will be more wildfires, droughts and floods. To which the White House says the fires will be put out by the floods, which will be offset by all the droughts.

Jeff Bezos sold $1 Billion in Amazon stock. Which ironically at over $1,000 a share was bought by people who will never shop for anything on Amazon in their life.

Jeff Bezos sold $1 Billion in Amazon stock. As a bonus, anyone buying more than $1 Million of the stock will have the shares sent by free delivery.

Kevin Spacey has been suspended from “House of Cards” because of allegations of sexual assault. Which means he may now be instead doing time on “House of Big.”

Signs saying “It’s OK to be white” have been seen at colleges and on city streets. Although it may not be racial but just a new ad campaign from the pork industry.

Signs saying “It’s OK to be white” have been seen at colleges and on city streets. Which turns out is just be the new state slogan for Oklahoma.

BMW has recalled 1 Million vehicles because of a fire risk. Which for people who shelled out $120,000 for a new M6 could find themselves burned for a second time.

Donald Trump called Bowe Bergdahl’s sentence with no prison time “a complete and total disgrace.” Which would almost be as much of a slap in the face to the military as say, getting five deferments to avoid being drafted.

The GOP tax plan could shrink alimony payments. Which shows the whole reason for tax reform is Donald Trump getting some revenge on ex-wives Ivana and Marla Maples.

The GOP tax plan could gut California’s push for affordable housing. To which Republicans are telling them taking people out of the housing market will save them even more by not ever having to pay any property taxes.

The House tax proposal will allow unborn children to have college savings accounts. Not for the unborn children themselves, but so they will actually have enough money to pay for a college education when their children are born.

A probe says Ford Fusion steering wheels bay become loose and detached. Which will make it much easier for someone to say “Can you take the wheel for a second?”

A probe says Ford Fusion steering wheels bay become loose and detached. Which is ironic in that the Fusion is assembled without using any actual fusion.

The GOP tax plan is set to scrap deductions for medical expenses. Which just speeds up those people taking advantage of the bill also eliminating the death tax.

A study says labeling snacks as meals cuts down on overeating. Which is no surprise since what Americans call a snack is pretty much enough in most other countries to feed a family of six.

A study says pictures of junk food are more distracting than all others. Which is hard to believe as how many men have you seen looking for online pictures of burgers and fries because they are tired of Internet porn?

The CDC says heart disease deaths have dropped while overdoses have increased. Which means that people are even trying to get high using prescriptions for statins.

Harvey Weinstein was seen at a Phoenix restaurant last week in a blond wig, orange makeup and baseball hat. Which you would think the last thing someone trying to be incognito would do is go out disguised as Donald Trump.

Model Chrissy Teigen left a $1,000 tip at an Outback Restaurant. Which was especially generous for a super model whose bill totaled 73 cents.

Savannah Chrisley says when she broke up with basketball player Luke Kennard, she “dodged a bullet.” To which most basketball fans called her out saying doesn’t she even know he plays for the Pistons?

Preorders for Taylor Swift’s new album have topped 400,000. Mostly all her ex-boyfriends wanting to see if the lyrics of any songs are about them.

Rolling Stone founder Jan Wenner says a new biography about him is “B-S.” Which means the author probably got their experience writing for Rolling Stone.

Rolling Stone founder Jan Wenner says a new biography about him is “B-S.” The good news is that the book finally means Wenner is big enough to have his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone.

Tiger Woods says he “can’t believe” how far he is hitting the golf ball. Which at least is farther than he can drive an SUV without hitting a tree or being arrested for DUI.

Papa John’s is considering ending their NFL sponsorship. Apparently they want to represent sports more in line with the dietary habits of participants, which means their money would go farther with golf bowling and lawn darts.

Dr. John Risher, the oldest statistician at the University of Virginia has died at age 107. The sad part is he passed away before figuring out the odds of that happening.

The proposed $1.9 Billion Raiders stadium in Las Vegas could cost more because of the GOP tax plan. Apparently it has something to do with taking away the deductions for the 50 game day buffet lines set up to offset construction costs.

The 76ers made it above .500 for the first time in four years. To which fans in Philadelphia are saying Donald Trump should have that much success.

The 76ers made it above .500 for the first time in four years. To which Clippers fans are saying “There is higher than .500?”

Kim Kardashian has apologized for dressing as Aaliyah for Halloween. Which didn’t matter since people didn’t recognize her in the first place with any clothes on.

An 80 year old Florida man named Donald McGovern changed his middle name to “Trump” to show solidarity to the President. Which most Republicans would have thought a better way of doing that would be losing the last name of “McGovern.”

A poll says concern about sexual harassment is higher now than in 1998. How bad is it for Donald Trump that people are more worried about sexual misconduct while he is in the White House than they were during the Clinton years?

A poll says people’s fear of walking alone at night is as low as ever. Mostly because the vast majority of Americans haven’t actually walked anywhere since 1965.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Is it baseball season yet! Crap. Not only do the Dodgers lose the ‘Series, I have to wait through the entire winter just for March and spring training. Oh, well. At least I have the jokes to keep me busy through the cold months. And the warm months, now that I think about it. I spend a lot of time on jokes. I hope you like them. I am even thinking about starting up a podcast where I go through the best jokes of the week. It would be a nice way for people to sit back and listen to 14 seconds of material. Give me your thoughts about that and anything else on your minds. The best way to get in touch with me is by e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. It may take me a bit to get back to you as I have to filter through all the junk from the Russian hackers. But it will be great to hear from you, almost as much fun as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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