Thursday, November 30, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Today” anchor Matt Lauer was fired for sexual misconduct. Which means after 20 years on “Today,” for him there will be no tomorrow.

Kathie Lee Gifford says she is “ready to forgive” Matt Lauer. Which came during her show somewhere between the third and fourth glass of wine.

Kathie Lee Gifford says she is “ready to forgive” Matt Lauer. Mostly because she was lucky enough to not have him for her boss.

Garrison Keillor was fired from NPR for inappropriate behavior with a coworker. Apparently he kept asking her to be his prairie home companion.

Daniel Day-Lewis opened up in an interview about quitting acting. Now all we need to do is have him convince Adam Sandler to do the same thing.

ESPN is set to lay off 150 more workers. That’s bad news for viewers who will no longer get to watch their favorites battle it out in horseshoes, fishing and billiards.

 Moody’s is warning cities to address climate risks or face downgrades. Which means when the temperature goes up, those cities’ credit will be going down.

Psychologists are saying that love at first sight doesn’t exist. Which finally explains why all those contestants on “Married At First Sight” keep getting divorced.

Psychologists are saying that love at first sight doesn’t exist. Obviously that survey doesn’t include the men psychologists who have ever gotten a glimpse of Emily Ratajkowski.

Critics are bashing Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decorations as looking like a scene from “The Shining.” Which is no surprise, especially when her husband starts off most of his tweets with “Heeeere’s Donny!”

A report says 800 Million workers worldwide could lose their jobs to robots by 2030. The good news is that means there will be 800 Million fewer reports of on the job sexual harassment.

A report says 800 Million workers worldwide could lose their jobs to robots by 2030. Pretty soon the only job left for humans will be for the ones who know how to fix the robots.

Jay-Z gave an interview where he discussed rap, marriage and being black in Donald Trump’s America. Apparently his formula for making it as a black man in Trump’s America is simple. First you start with a personal net worth of $810 Million…

Brown University will allow students to self-identify as a person of color. Which means they need to learn there is a difference between being brown and just being enrolled at Brown.

Some U.S. tourists are being held in Thailand for baring their backsides inside a religious temple. No one even knew there were any games scheduled in Thailand for the UCLA basketball team.

An American Airlines glitch means thousands of holiday flights will be without pilots. To which United is complaining, saying American is stealing their business model.

Former Fed Chair Janet Yellen says interest rates will have to rise to prevent a “boom-bust” economy. To which most Americans say they wouldn’t mind that just so they can once again experience that boom part.

Apple is rushing to resolve a large password glitch in their new operating system. Which can be taken care of if users would just quit using “12345” and “password.”

The Navy has censured a retired admiral for taking gifts from a person known as “Fat Leonard.” Apparently the Navy is upset that an admiral didn’t think there was something wrong accepting anything from someone who goes by “Fat Leonard.”

A 50 year old Connecticut man who posed as Justin Bieber to entice teenage girls into online sex has been sentenced to 17 years in prison. Not only that, he was denied a request since he posed as Bieber to serve his time in juvenile hall.

A 50 year old Connecticut man who posed as Justin Bieber to entice teenage girls into online sex will spend 17 years in prison. Which doesn’t say much for the girls on the video chat line who couldn’t tell a 50 year old man wasn’t really Justin Bieber.

Three Russian bobsledders have been disqualified from the Olympics for doping. The question is, who needs to take PEDs for a sport where your job is just to scrunch into a small seat and take a ride down a hill?

Goldman Sachs is warning that stocks are at their highest valuation since 1900. Which doesn’t sound like that big of a deal to go back to when you could buy a majority share in Wells Fargo for $25.

Donald Trump’s Health Secretary nominee Alex Azar says he promises to take on high drug prices. Which for a former drug CEO means saying “I’ll see you and raise that prescription $50!”

A report says Ann Curry’s fans see karma in Matt Lauer’s firing. In fact, it’s turned into a real reason to celebrate for all three of them.

A report says 70% of American adults shopped over the Thanksgiving weekend. Not to buy any presents, but just to get some time away from the relatives at the holiday dinner table.

Republicans are working on a tax hike “trigger” to ease deficit concerns with their tax proposal. Although after reading about what the plan will do, the only trigger they see is the one on the gun pointed at the heads of the middle class.

Gillette is introducing cheaper razors to fend off competitors like the Dollar Shave Club. Which many people are excited about saving money while using the cheap razors on their wrists after losing their job, home and health insurance.

Apple has filed for a patent for a flip phone. Apparently there is still a market for those who actually want to have a phone to use just to talk to other people.

A report says the U.S. economy is running at its full potential for the first time in a decade. Meaning everyone is able to find three minimum wage jobs to work at so they can finally make ends meet.

Scientists in New Zealand are working on cutting down on cow burps in order to ease climate change. At the very least, they can get them to start saying “Excuse me!”

Chipotle founder and CEO Steve Ells is stepping down after safety scares and tumbling stocks. People were surprised. A CEO who is leaving his job for something besides sexual harassment?

The USDA has released new school lunch rules that allow more salt and skip whole grains. The old regulations are credited with more kids losing weight, mostly from the fact that no students would touch a meal with whole grains and no salt.

A study says prehistoric women had stronger arms than competitive rowers today. Mostly because it was the only way they could rock a sleeveless animal skin outfit.

A study says prehistoric women had stronger arms than competitive rowers today. Mostly from having to carry all their groceries from the store without the convenience of those plastic bags.

A study says prehistoric women had stronger arms than competitive rowers today. Mostly because they didn’t have fake boobs back then so they had to put more emphasis on their biceps.

Brits will soon be able to buy Viagra over the counter. Which means store clerks selling the pills will have to watch out for what is going on under the counter.

Jennifer Lawrence says the movie “mother!” caused stress between her and former boyfriend Darren Aronofsky who directed the film. The stress mostly coming from the long hours, artistic differences and seeing her career killed off.

Jay-Z says his relationship with Kanye West is “complicated.” Mostly because Kanye West could make eating a bowl of ice cream complicated.

Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy. Not to say the former presidential candidate is old, but his recording was actually made on a Gramophone.

LaVar Ball says he is sending a pair of Big Baller shoes to Donald Trump. If those two were in the same room, the shoes would be the only things that had tongues that weren’t constantly flapping.

Verizon says it will have 5G service in five cities by the end of next year. As opposed to AT&T which will have background saxophone music playing in the event of any dropped calls for what it calls its “KennyG service.”

Intel is working on displaying advertising and movies on the screens of self-driving cars. Which will give people a nice break from using their smartphones the rest of the day to watch advertising and movies.

A study says historic U.S. locations could be underwater by the end of the century because of global warming causing rising sea levels. The good news is that smart shoppers can already get good deals on beachfront property in Kentucky.

Archaeologists have found the first evidence of Julius Caesar’s invasion of the UK. The real proof was an inscription proclaiming victory which they knew was Caesar’s because of the slogan “Conquer! Conquer!”

Scientists have tested DNA from Yeti in the Himalayas which shows the hair, teeth and footprints came from bears and a dog. Further testing will be done to rule out the possibility that some of the samples come from David Hasselhoff.

The Secret Service reportedly spent $150,000 on golf cart rentals since Donald Trump became President. Actually, the rentals were only $5,000 with the other $145,000 being spent filling the carts’ ice chests with beer.

The Secret Service reportedly spent $150,000 on golf cart rentals since Donald Trump became President. Not to mention special training in case the agents need to protect Trump during a high speed, 4 mph chase around the golf course.

Donald Trump claims the GOP tax plan will “cost me a fortune.” If you don’t believe him, just look at all his past tax returns that he has never made public.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not feeling all that well again, but I still get on here to crank out the jokes. That’s because I am committed to putting out the best topical jokes found anywhere on the Internet. Even when I am done with writing the jokes they just keep on coming. I am just glad you all check in every day to see the latest posts. Feel free to write me anytime at jimbarach@hotmail.com and I will promise to get back with you, even if your comments are honest. Because it always makes me feel better when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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