Friday, November 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Diane Sawyer airs a special tonight on ABC’s “20/20” on how ISIS targets vulnerable young Americans online. Which parents are still less concerned about than the old perverts who used to stalk them on Myspace.

Donald Trump will replace Janet Yellen as head of the Federal Reserve. Which means the only Yellen left now will be when he does his “yellin’” on Twitter.

The Justice Department is reportedly considering an antitrust suit against AT&T and Time Warner. What are they worried about, a monopoly on bad customer service?

China’s President Xi has sent a rare message to North Korea’s Kim Jong-un signaling an improving relationship between the countries. When Donald Trump said he was a uniter, people didn’t realize he would be bringing all our enemies together.

A 70 year old Virginia man killed himself with a chain saw. When they heard the report, authorities thought someone was just Poulan their leg.

Stephen Hawking says that Artificial Intelligence robots will replace humans. Which is easy to believe from a man who theorizes about the beginnings of the universe from an automated wheelchair while speaking with an electronic computer voice.

The GOP has released its tax plan, which limits interest deductions on mortgages to $500,000. Which will hurt mostly Californians, seeing how that amount is still less than a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

The GOP has released its tax plan, which will leave 401(k) account limits unchanged. Which doesn’t really affect most workers whose retirement balance is still right around zero.

A survey says 82% of Americans say they have achieved the American dream or are on their way. The other 18% are DACA dreamers who feel Donald Trump is getting ready to send them on their way back where they came from.

A survey says 82% of Americans say they have achieved the American dream or are on their way. Although today the American dream means when people say they would like a home, good job and chance to retired are told “You’re dreaming!”

A survey says 50% of Millennials would rather live under socialism or communism. Which is ironic in that the ones who want to move to the country’s most liberal city of San Francisco don’t have the capital to live there.

A survey says 50% of Millennials would rather live under socialism or communism. Mostly the half who realize they will be working the next 40 years just to pay off their college tuition loans.

A study says farming pot is hurting the environment. Mostly from the tripling of the number of pizza boxes piling up in the nation’s landfills every day.

A study says pot farming is hurting the environment. Mostly from the dense cloud of smoke that appears over areas that legalized pot right around 4:20 every afternoon.

A mysterious void has been detected in the Great Pyramid of Giza that could reveal how the pyramids were built. Which most businesses lament at least part of their success was using the good old fashioned method of slave labor.

A mysterious void has been detected in the Great Pyramid of Giza that could reveal how the pyramids were built. Which shows that even in the ancient times Pharaohs insisted on having a secret man cave.

A report says China is using fentanyl in a chemical war against the U.S., fueling the opioid crisis. The good thing is that people who get high on Chinese fentanyl find they are sober again an hour later.

A new beer from Samuel Adams will be sold for $200 a bottle. The idea is to give everyone the experience of what it’s like to have a cold brew at Yankee Stadium.

Yasiel Puig’s home was reportedly robbed during Game 7 of the World Series. Now he knows how fans who blew $3,000 or more on a ticket to the final game feel.

Yasiel Puig’s home was robbed during Game 7 of the World Series. His jewelry was spared, as like with the Dodgers the thieves just never made it to the diamond.

 Yasiel Puig’s home was reportedly robbed during Game 7 of the World Series. They didn’t take his favorite table setting, as like with the Dodgers they just couldn’t find the plate.

A Florida restaurant has angered people by banning children. Mostly because they know when their customers go out to eat they only insist on being able to bring their hooker, fake service dog and AK-47.

A Connecticut woman was arrested for soiling her former college roommate’s personal belongings with bodily fluids. Or as that is called at most universities, “pledge week.”

Ellen Barkin reportedly scared away a burglar inside her home. Fortunately for her, the suspect came into the house when she had already taken off her makeup.

Ellen Barkin reportedly scared away a burglar inside her home. Which shows that many criminals will run when they hear Barkin.

Rick Perry says fossil fuels could reduce the number of sexual assaults in Africa. That could be true. Look what happened after all those celebrities started supporting clean energy in Hollywood.

Rick Perry says fossil fuels could reduce the number of sexual assaults in Africa. Apparently his theory has to do with people committing sex crimes getting a lump of coal from Santa.

A power couple in Iowa is being scrutinized over some lobbying work they have done for Saudi Arabia. Although when the term“power couple” is used in Iowa, it usually means they make ethanol fuel from corn.

The GOP tax plan includes a permanent cut in the corporate tax rate. The only question is how do you cut a number that is already less than zero?

The White House says that Donald Trump will not visit the Korean Demilitarized Zone. Mostly because the way things are going between Trump and Kim Jong-un, pretty soon there will be no such thing.

The White House says that Donald Trump will not visit the Korean Demilitarized Zone. Mostly because Trump has no interest in the DMZ, he is more concerned with not showing up on the daily broadcast of “TMZ.”

Starbucks will sell its Tazo tea brand to Unilever for $384 Million. Which at least finally puts an actual price tag on “all the tea in China.”

An Amazon app allows people to “see” what items will look like in their home. Or people can just imagine how their home would look as a doublewide trailer.

The GOP says their tax plan paves the way for companies to bring trillions of dollars back into the U.S. Mostly because the tax rate will finally be less than the amount skimmed by the mob for their cash laundering fees.

The GOP tax plan would eliminate credits for electric vehicles. Mostly by cutting out the middleman and giving deductions for cars that run directly from burning coal.

Jesse Jackson is calling for a boycott of BMW, citing a lack of diversity. Apparently he is upset about the lack of inclusion for the other 23 letters of the alphabet.

Jesse Jackson is calling for a boycott of BMW, citing a lack of diversity. To which most Americans have no problem supporting, some going as far as also pledging to boycott Ferrari, Rolls Royce and Maserati.

Altria is developing reduced-nicotine cigarettes. Apparently they are for people who like the risk of cancer without that additional nicotine kick.

Altria is developing reduced-nicotine cigarettes. Why is it that companies have to take out the ingredient that hooks people to the product in the first place, like non-fat ice cream, alcohol-free beer and decaf coffee?

40 Million fire extinguishers made by Kidde have been recalled as they may not work during an emergency. The worst part is the manufacturer originally wanted to not give refunds by just reclassifying them as wall décor.

40 Million fire extinguishers made by Kidde have been recalled as they may not work during an emergency. Which means the company could end up changing their name to “Just Kidde.”

The FDA is cracking down on claims that cannabis cures cancer. Apparently it doesn’t count that it just makes you high enough to believe it.

Hundreds of Marine recruits were sickened by E.coli bacteria. No one had any idea that military MREs were made by Chipotle.

A Japanese company is offering extra days off to workers who don’t smoke. When they then can use to attend the funerals of their coworkers who do.

A study says long-term space flight actually “squeezes” the brain. Which finally explains why all those artists’ renditions of space aliens always have those elongated heads.

A study says long-term space flight actually “squeezes” the brain. The same way passengers’ butts get squeezed in those tight seats on long-term airline flights.

A study says astronauts don’t get enough sleep in space. Neither would you if you kept seeing another sunrise every couple of hours.

A study says astronauts don’t get enough sleep in space. Which is fine as long as they don’t sleepwalk and try to go outside for a stroll.

Two 7th graders in Indiana got sick and tested positive for cocaine after eating some candy at their school. And at least for now they are sticking to that story.

James Comey’s book will be called “A Higher Loyalty.” That just barely beat out his second choice of “Yes, I’m The Idiot Who Caused Donald Trump To Be Elected President.”

CBS Sports Chairman Sean McManus says too much football on TV has hurt their ratings. Which sounds strange coming from the network that saw no problem in airing several seasons of “Two Broke Girls.”

CBS Sports Chairman Sean McManus says too much football on TV has hurt their ratings. Which brings up the question as to why they are paying millions of dollars to put all that football on TV to help their ratings?

A furniture storeowner in Houston has lost $10 Million on a promotion refunding money on mattresses if the Astros won the World Series. Which is what happens when you bet against a sleeper.

A furniture storeowner in Houston has lost $10 Million on a promotion refunding money on mattresses if the Astros won the World Series. Not because of the refund itself, but he accidentally sold his personal mattress where he hid all his cash.

Yu Darvish has officially become a free agent. Which after two blown starts in the World Series means his market value will put the “free” back in free agent.

Steph Curry was personally mentioned in the GOP tax plan. Apparently it has to do with the new Republican strategy of dribble down economics.

Steph Curry was personally mentioned in the GOP tax policy. Which means Donald Trump is making it into a three-point plan.

Donald Trump’s Twitter account went offline for 11 minutes on Thursday. Which during that window everything was so calm that Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Donald Trump’s Twitter account went offline for 11 minutes on Thursday, which was based on a “rogue employee.” No one had any idea that Sara Palin was now working in social media.

Chris Christie’s wife was ticketed in her husband’s crackdown on distracted driving. Apparently she was using a phone app while driving to find out which bridges were still open.

A Democratic Party Super Pac will spend $50 Million on digital ads for 2018. Which can be assumed that about $3.75 of that money might find its way over to Facebook.

A survey says half of all Americans think that Donald Trump committed crimes related to the Russian investigation. The other half thinks he committee crimes with his tax return, charity, bankruptcies, firing James Comey, Trump University…

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am over the Dodgers loss in the World Series. Mostly because baseball ended in November this year and starts in March next year. Not too long and it will be all 12 months. Endless summer! Sounds good to me. Almost as good as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


No comments: