Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Breaking news this morning with the firing of "Today" host Matt Lauer for sexual misconduct. The issue became known when a new segment was proposed called "Where In The World Are Matt Lauer's Pants?"

Hawaii will resume Cold War-era nuclear siren tests in response to threats from North Korea. The good news is that food won’t be a problem as all those cans of Spam on store shelves will be able to survive even a nuclear holocaust.

Hawaii will resume Cold War-era nuclear siren tests in response to threats from North Korea. Which finally gives the state tourism board an actual problem to start working on.

Hawaii will resume Cold War-era nuclear siren tests in response to threats from North Korea. Less affluent residents are at least happy that this might be what they were waiting for to actually bring housing prices a notch.

The Honduras presidential election still hasn’t been resolved with a TV star poised to win. Or as we call that in the U.S., “déjà vu.”

Mercedes Benz is planning to use drones to make shipments. Although it is going to take at least a couple of drones the first time they try to deliver an S-Class sedan.

Russia is planning to build their own Internet for internal use. Apparently they will just use the old one when they need to influence the outcome of a U.S. election.

The New York Times magazine published a long-form profile about Sean Hannity in the wake of the newspaper’s article critics say “normalizes” a Nazi sympathizer.  Which all just ties in as part of the Times’ “Get to know a White supremacist week.”

D.C. Metro has banned religious ads on public transportation. Mostly because if prayer really worked, there would not be one passenger on any D.C. buses.

Some San Diego State students are undergoing “disturbing sensory experiences” to drive out prejudice. As opposed to the usual disturbing sensory experiences known to most students as fraternity pledge week.

Ivanka Trump is in India calling to close the gender gap in business. Which India supports so that 6 year old girls as well as boys can work 70 hours a week making iPhones.

A study says using mouthwash raises the risk of diabetes. Especially when it is used by people to cover their breath after eating three Big Macs and four large fries.

A study says using mouthwash raises the risk of diabetes. Especially when after brushing their teeth, people rinse out their mouth with Coke.

Scientists are calling for the end of using glitter. The decorations are bad for animals, hurt the environment and just prolong the career of Britney Spears.

The world’s first smart condom collects data to rate the sexual performance by the man. Which means it gets a fail if ends up in the trash can in under three minutes.

The world’s first smart condom collects data to rate the sexual performance by the man. Which men will give themselves a passing grade just from the fact they are having sex.

A Thanksgiving guest in Minnesota was killed following a dispute over a crack pipe. Remember when the only conflict at Thanksgiving was over who got to break the wishbone?

A Thanksgiving guest in Minnesota was killed following a dispute over a crack pipe. The worst part is the person wanted to get high on crack so they could cope with the inevitable arguments about Donald Trump.

Fraternity social activities at Indiana University have been suspended until spring. Which is OK with students because that’s when it will be warm enough to have keg parties outside again.

A driver was arrested in California with methamphetamines and a human skull in the trunk of his car. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “meth head.”

A Malibu church has stopped serving meals to the homeless after complaints over public safety. Mostly from residents who consider it puts their reputation in danger when their friends to see there are poor people in their neighborhood.

Meghan Markle is planning to become an Anglican and Brit after marrying Prince Harry. Which means God and country are important but can’t compare with the opportunity to become fabulously wealthy and world famous.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will wed at Windsor Castle in May. Which barely gives the couple six months to all the planners needed to take care of every detail.

A Myanmar general told Pope Francis I there is “no religious discrimination” in the country. People there can be killed for no reason no matter what their beliefs.

A Myanmar general told Pope Francis I there is “no religious discrimination” in the country. Immediately after which he asked the Pope if he could hear a confession for someone who wants to be forgiven for lying.

A study says airlines nickel and dimed passengers for a record $82 Billion in fees in 2017. Mostly the 1,000 nickels or 500 dimes they charge for every piece of luggage.

An energy official says natural gas supplies could be tight in Southern California this winter. Which is bad news for everyone looking forward to fondue Saturday night.

An energy official says natural gas supplies could be tight in Southern California this winter. Which is going to be rough on people who won’t be able to use their heaters and will have to keep their homes at a chilly 75 degrees.

Uber is accused of using former CIA agents to spy on rivals. Which means it may have been safer in the days when the only way to get around was by hitchhiking.

Uber is accused of using former CIA agents to spy on rivals. Which is sad to know that when our intelligence agents leave the business, the only thing they are qualified for is to work for a ride sharing service.

Stocks rallied 200 points this week, bouncing back after news of a new North Korean missile test. Which gives credit to Donald Trump, as apparently there is nothing like the threat of nuclear war to prime the economy.

Regal Cinemas is in talks to buy UK’s Cineworld. It will be the biggest British and American entertainment merger since the engagement of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

A study says marriage may reduce the risk of dementia. Mostly because having a wife guarantees men anything they have ever done wrong will never be forgotten.

A study says that bodybuilding drugs sold online often contain unapproved substances. At least the ones that actually work.

Viagra will soon be available in the UK without a prescription. So an upper lip won’t be the only thing that the Brits will be keeping stiff.

An 84 year old New Hampshire doctor who doesn’t use a computer has lost her medical license. What’s worse is that she finally just got her home VCR hooked up.

An 84 year old New Hampshire doctor who doesn’t use a computer has lost her medical license. Although she was the one doctor in the country whose patients didn’t have to worry about their medical records behind hacked.

An 84 year old New Hampshire doctor who doesn’t use a computer has lost her medical license. The sad part is she just started getting her billing system streamlined when she bought a pocket calculator.

A study says the fight against germs causing sore throats is being helped by cultures taken from horses. Which at least will give researchers an insight on how to cure anyone with a “horse” throat.

Health officials say potentially tainted raw milk may have been sold in four states. The way to tell if it is tainted is if the carton says “raw milk.”

The WHO says tens of thousands of people die each year in the $30 Billion fake drug trade. The good news is that at least the fake drug makers are good about keeping prices where people can still afford them.

A study says more younger Americans are experiencing symptoms of arthritis. Mostly from the stress on their thumbs and fingers from texting, playing video games and grabbing slices of pizza all day.

Donnie Wahlberg reportedly left a $1,000 tip at an Indiana Waffle House. Mostly as a gesture to recognize if it hadn’t been for New Kids on the Block he would be slinging hash at one himself.

Meghan Markle worked as a briefcase model on “Deal Or No Deal” in 2006-2007. Which was evident when Prince Harry popped the question and she said “Deal!”

Grand champion Sumo wrestler Harumafuji os retiring after allegations of assaulting another wrestler. Apparently he was deemed “too American” after hitting his opponent in the back with a folding chair.

Grand champion Sumo wrestler Harumafuji os retiring after allegations of assaulting another wrestler. It’s the first time anyone has actually ever been injured from Sumo wrestling.

Grand champion Sumo wrestler Harumafuji os retiring after allegations of assaulting another wrestler. Interestingly enough, “Harumafuji” is also the exact sound a 300 pound Sumo wrestler makes while falling on an opponent.

The Cleveland Browns Josh Gordon says he made $10,000 a month selling pot in college at Baylor. Which was a bad move as he could have made ten times that if he had only enrolled at Cal Berkeley.

The Cleveland Browns Josh Gordon says he made $10,000 a month selling pot in college at Baylor. The only other way he could have made that much money in college was to be a quarterback on the alumni association payroll.

The Cleveland Browns Josh Gordon says he made $10,000 a month selling pot in college at Baylor. Although the real money came in from his second job delivering for Domino’s.

The UFC president says Conor McGregor may never fight again. Mostly because he didn’t fight against Floyd Mayweather and walked away with $30 Million.

FIFA is warning the environment could be dangerous for gay people at the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Of course, they are also warning it could be dangerous for straight people, blacks, Hispanics, whites, Asians…

FIFA is warning the environment could be dangerous for gay people at the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Mostly because they are the ones most likely to bring vuvuzelas to the matches.

Charles Barkley ranted that when he was in the NBA he flew coach. As opposed to now when he is forced to fly airfreight.

Charles Barkley ranted that when he was in the NBA he flew coach. But only because the other players always voted him off the charter plane.

A study says 375 Million jobs may be automated by the year 2030. Hopefully one of them will be researching data to compile meaningless studies.

A study says half of all 11 and 12 year old children have social media profiles. No one had any idea anyone still used Myspace.

A study says half of all 11 and 12 year old children have social media profiles. Which is good to know that parents make them wait ten years after they give them their first smartphone and tablet.

Garrison Keillor is excusing Al Franken’s groping photos as “low comedy.” Which at least is a step up from his days at “Saturday Night Live.”

Garrison Keillor is excusing Al Franken’s groping photos as “low comedy.” Because who knows more about comedy than someone who has forged a career at the hilarious NPR?

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from the Tufts board of law and diplomacy after threatening to sue a student. The good news is that at least he was able to hold onto the position for more than ten days.

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from the Tufts board of law and diplomacy after threatening to sue a student. Which after working in the Trump Administration, the question is why he was involved with anything dealing with law or diplomacy?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not feeling especially well today, but that doesn’t stop me from cranking out another batch of top level jokes. Which means apparently I am now to the point of being delirious. I am glad you all show up to read the blog every day, and if you have any questions or comments, just send me an e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I always like to hear from you, bad or good. Make that just good. It always makes my day when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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