Sunday, November 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Data says women are having fewer babies than ever. Mostly because thanks to Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose and Roy Moore, men are now worried of the consequences of even asking a woman out on a date.

A report says many college students are living on donated groceries and food stamps. Mostly so they will be ready for when they graduate with $100,000 in tuition loan debt and a degree that only gets them a minimum wage job.

A report says a growing number of young people are leaving desk jobs to farm. Mostly because thanks to Donald Trump kicking out all the immigrants there are at least still some jobs open for picking crops.

A report says a growing number of young people are leaving desk jobs to farm. Mostly because it gives them a chance to be outdoors, be their own boss and make money while keeping some of the weed for their own stash.

A report says there is a homeless crisis in Malibu. It’s getting so bad that every intersection has a person panhandling with a sign saying “Need $8 Million for a beachfront house.”

Remington is facing a default as Americans are now buying fewer guns. Mostly because they figure why have a gun if there is nothing left in the home to protect?

A priest in Dublin is blasting the Catholic Church for a lack of trained exorcists. The White House alone is going to need 20 of them to chase out all the demons there.

A priest in Dublin is blasting the Catholic Church for a lack of trained exorcists. Mostly because it’s hard to find someone who is both dedicated enough to chase off demons and doesn’t mind cleaning up buckets of green vomit.

A massive three-mile wide asteroid is set to “graze” the Earth next month, coming within 2 Million miles of the planet. Which doesn’t put a lot of confidence in NASA as the only agency in the world that considers 2 Million miles a near miss.

An accuser says Representative John Conyers once showed up at a meeting in his underwear. Apparently he went there expecting to be briefed.

An accuser says Representative John Conyers once showed up at a meeting in his underwear. He’s 88 years old. At that age, remembering your pants every day is considered strictly a bonus.

An accuser says Representative John Conyers once showed up at a meeting in his underwear. Or as Roy Moore calls that, “business casual.”

Elon Musk says we have a 5-10% chance of surviving the onset of killer robots. And that doesn’t even include the self-driving system that is causing all the Tesla crashes.

A report says self-driving cars are programmed to decide who dies in accidents. The worst part is the ones who are chosen to survive are the ones who haven’t completely paid off their car loan yet.

Eminem is reportedly angry that Donald Trump hasn’t responded to pot-shots in a freestyle at the BET Hip Hop Awards. Next time, he needs to take a knee and see what happens.

The Church of Sweden will stop calling God “he.” Not because of political correctness, they just realize that more women control the family finances and decide just how much cash goes into the donation basket.

British scientists are ready to test a “cure” for cancer. Which if successful, will finally give Republicans the ammunition they were looking for to repeal Obamacare.

A Washington State man drove into a tree while having sex with a woman while driving. It wasn’t the sex that distracted him, but using his cellphone to text all his friends about what he was doing.

A Washington State man drove into a tree while having sex with a woman while driving. It would have been fine if he had just pulled over and parked before deciding to get busy in the back seat.

A Virtual Reality system reportedly simulates death. Especially if you start using it while you are behind the wheel in your car.

Poles are protesting plans by the ruling party for greater control of the courts and elections. Who says Donald Trump’s policies aren’t taken seriously by other countries?

A report says a U.S. diplomat was shot in the foot during a robbery in Brazil. It was just nice for once to see a diplomat not be the one shooting themselves in the foot.

Jeff Bezos’ net worth is now a reported $100 Million. Although that number will drop to $225. 50 after the holidays when people return for credit all the cheap crap from Amazon that they were given for Christmas.

Three people were shot dead at a Virginia home on Thanksgiving. And you thought your family was tough when it came to political discussions at the dinner table.

Trump supporters confused LaVar Ball who had a Twitter fight with Donald Trump with actor LeVar Burton. Even worse, after hearing about the trouble with Ball’s son LiAngelo they are saying we should give Los Angeles to China.

Donald Trump is calling for the Wall and a travel ban after a mass shooting at a mosque in Egypt. Which brought a sigh of relief to the people in Las Vegas and Texas in there not being any repercussions as the shooters there were just white guys.

An Arkansas woman stole $366,000 from a county for personal use, including buying a tuxedo for her dog. Well, when you have $366,000 in your wallet, you can’t just keep taking your dog out for casual dining.

A report says most Americans would have to run 28 miles to burn off the calories from their Thanksgiving dinner. Either that or just one 20-minute brawl trying to get the last on sale HD TV set to the cashier.

Shoppers spent a reported $1.5 Billion on Black Friday. Mostly at the local EmergiCare for medical bills for stitches and a broken arm trying to get the last available Fingerlings in town out to the car.

Some lawmakers are saying that Facebook should be regulated. Especially the ones whose constituents are using social media to out their representatives as sexual predators and perverts.

The University of Reading in the UK says the use of deep fryers actually cools the weather. The only problem is that people will still feel warmer after gaining another 50 pounds from eating all that fried food.

The University of Reading in the UK says the use of deep fryers actually cools the weather. Which is ironic in that Americans who caused global warming by burning fossil fuels may now prevent it by burning grease.

A survey says more Americans are overweight, but the number who consider themselves overweight has dropped. Mostly because no matter how obese Americans get, it’s always easy to find someone nearby who is even fatter.

Kendall Jenner was named the highest paid model in the world for 2017. People were surprised. Aren’t models supposed to occasionally wear some clothes?

Kendall Jenner was named the highest paid model in the world for 2017. While she is the highest paid fashion model, it’s just a good thing she doesn’t have to depend on an income from being a role model.

Donald Trump says he turned down Time’s Person of the Year in advance. Which is like the Clippers turning down a White House invitation in advance of winning the NBA Championship.

Donald Trump complained that NFL players “are the boss.” Which is ironic in that Trump is spending so much time tweeting about the NFL that you would think he was the league’s commissioner.

Major League baseball’s revenues have exceeded $10 Billion for the first time. Mostly because the league has finally started counting the proceeds from the Yankees’ beer and hot dog concessions.

Donald Trump played a post-Thanksgiving round of golf with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson. How bad is Roy Moore’s reputation that even that group doesn’t want to be seen with him in a foursome?

Donald Trump played a post-Thanksgiving round of golf with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson. Woods got an invitation because he has gone under the knife so many times there is no chance of him even thinking of taking a knee.

A survey says teenagers still prefer Snapchat to Facebook. Mostly because the last thing they want from social media is to see what grandma has been eating every morning for breakfast.

A survey says teenagers still prefer Snapchat to Facebook. Mostly because they feel adults get into political arguments should be kept to just Thanksgiving dinner.

George H. W. Bush has become the oldest living President in history at 93 years, 166 days. Not only that, at 93 years and 152 days he became the oldest President to be accused of groping a woman at a photo op.

Cory Lewandowski says Time and other media don’t give Donald Trump the credit he deserves. Although many people are thanking him for not being successful with the Wall, tax reform, healthcare, immigration…

Texas Representative Joe Barton reportedly warned a woman not to release his nude photos because of “career concerns.” But more importantly to not release them so people would not have to see pictures of a 68 year old naked man.

Wal-Mart is testing robotic floor scrubbers. The idea would not only take some jobs away from people, but would ruin the Wal-Mart experience of constantly hearing a voice on the loudspeaker saying “Cleanup on Aisle 5!”

Tom Brady reportedly bragged before Thanksgiving in the locker room about how good his homemade biscuits are. The only problem when he bakes anything is how sometimes they just go flat.

A report says Tiger Woods has earned $1,282 for every shot he made on the PGA Tour in his entire career. Which is nothing compared to the $100 Million Elin Nordegren made from just one swing with a 9 iron.

A California man has canceled plans to launch a rocket to prove the Earth is flat. Mostly because he couldn't find any volunteers to ride in a rocket designed by a man who thinks the Earth is flat. 

A Russian agent has proposed labeling American fast food restaurants as foreign agents. The worst part is when Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders are called in front of Congress and could end up the ones being grilled.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving. Now get back to work! I had a very nice Thanksgiving as my daughter was home from college (she is attending Marshall University which is an hour away) but it is always good to have her home. I ate too much and had to work some but overall I have no complaints. I have much to be thankful for, much of which comes from this blog and all my great readers. I get the chance to give thanks every day when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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