Thursday, November 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A New York woman has admitted to posing as a male lawyer and stealing $23,000 from her clients. Suspicions were raised by people who knew if she was a real lawyer, she would have stolen ten times that amount.

The CIA has released hundreds of thousands of documents on Osama bin Laden. Although it turns out most of them were just helpful hints on how to decorate an actual man cave.

An analysis says holiday retail sales could fall for the first time since 2008 because of the introduction of the iPhone X. Mostly because people buying the phone for themselves won’t have any money left for gifts for anyone else.

L.A. is considering paying the homeless to collect trash. Which is ironic as city garbage workers aren’t paid enough to make their skyrocketing rent payments.

L.A. is considering paying the homeless to collect trash. They started with the mountains of discarded World Series programs left around Dodger Stadium after Game 7.

A study says humans love dogs more than they do other people. At least it looks like it because they are always doing whatever it takes to keep their pit bull from getting mad and tearing off their arm.

21 SUNY students have been charged with hazing frat pledges with urine, vomit and alcohol. Although as with most fraternities, not necessarily in that order.

21 SUNY students have been charged with hazing frat pledges with urine, vomit and alcohol. Or as most fraternities refer to those activities, “Saturday night.”

A survey says 63% of Americans are stressed about the future of the country. The rest are fine because they had already given up worrying about that back in 2007.

A survey says 63% of Americans are stressed about the future of the country. The other 37% knew we were doomed the minute Donald Trump was elected President.

Nancy Pelosi has moved to muzzle any talk about impeaching Donald Trump. Apparently she feels the Democrats are better off just letting him stay in office and completely tear apart the Republican Party by himself.

A study says one quarter of all undocumented immigrants have mental disorders. Meaning anyone trying to stay in the U.S. under Donald Trump who doesn’t have to must be crazy.

Scientists are suggesting space aliens may look more like us than we previously thought. Which would make it very difficult for them to travel here trying to cram more than a handful of beings that morbidly obese onto a flying saucer.

Michelle Obama told a group of kids to not tweet every thought. Mostly with the warning if they do, they could end up as President of the United States.

Michelle Obama told a group of kids to not tweet every thought. Which brings up the question, why are kids using Twitter in the first place?

Papa John’s CEO is blaming the NFL for poor sales. Most people disagree. It will take a lot more than protests over the National Anthem to get men to actually try to eat something healthy.

Papa John’s CEO is blaming the NFL for poor sales. Apparently Colin Kaepernick is still a little slow at taking pizza orders over the phone.

New Jersey regulators have been ordered to consider reclassifying marijuana’s legal status. Which they are against because how can anyone in New Jersey make any money doing something that is actually legal?

A report says sales of America’s favorite beer, light pilsner is in a free fall because of Mexican and craft beer. It’s the first time “Mexican” and “craft” have been used together since Donald Trump started taking bids on his wall.

A report says sales of America’s favorite beer, light pilsner is in a free fall because of Mexican and craft beer. The one exception is Coors Light, which is still beating out most the other bottled waters.

A study says Hong Kong residents have an average living space of 50 square feet, smaller than the average jail cell. They have so little square feet, banging their toes constantly in the walls means they now actually have square feet.

A study says Hong Kong residents have an average living space of 50 square feet, smaller than the average jail cell. It’s so bad that people are claiming they are gay just so they can feel what it’s like to come out of the closet.

Starbucks has unveiled its holiday cups, which are not all red. Mostly because anyone wanting to feel what it’s like to be in the red just needs to open their monthly bill from Starbucks.

Two 7th grade Indiana students became sick after reportedly eating candy laced with cocaine. The question is when did Indiana school districts get enough money to put cocaine in the budget?

Two 7th grade Indiana students became sick after reportedly eating candy laced with cocaine. The students complained of weak legs, trouble walking and numbness, concluding that “It was really some good blow!”

A survey says 45% of Americans lie awake in bed because of stress. The other 55% wish they could be in bed but have to work 20 hours a day making ends meet.

A survey says 45% of Americans lie awake in bed because of stress. As opposed to the other 55% who are stressed because their partner is still up and might catch them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A baby with the last name Frankenstein was born on Halloween in Florida. Doctors say the baby was healthy, alert and did the Mash.

A baby with the last name Frankenstein was born on Halloween in Florida. The parents were reportedly terrified. Not because of the baby, but when they were shown their hospital bill.

A West Virginia mom reportedly found heroin in her daughter’s Halloween candy. That’s the last Halloween she dresses her daughter up as Courtney Love.

The March of Dimes is giving the U.S. a “C” grade for its high premature birth rate. To which women are giving an “F” to their partners for causing the pregnancy in the first place because they were premature.

Surgeons in India removed 639 nails from a patient’s intestines. Apparently he misunderstood when his doctor told him he needed more iron in his diet.

Surgeons in India removed 639 nails from a patient’s intestines. That’s the last time the patient goes to Sunday brunch at Lowe’s.

Surgeons in India removed 639 nails from a patient’s intestines. If he had eaten any other hardware he could have really been screwed.

Surgeons in India removed 639 nails from a patient’s intestines. Doctors were given praise for hitting that diagnosis right on the head.

A study says assaults go up when Daylight Saving Time ends. Mostly from it getting dark earlier which gives people an hour’s head start on their drinking.

A study says assaults go up when Daylight Saving Time ends. Especially when people are arguing during the time change and they get to go back in time and start the fight all over again.

A report says climate change is already threatening human health. Especially when even people in Florida have to worry about being attacked by a polar bear.

A “Hawaii Five-0” employee is suing for sexual harassment at work. The worst part will be when the papers are served and she gets to say “Book ‘em, Danno!”

Harvey Weinstein has been banned for life from the Producers Guild of America. He should have been more careful when he wished to receive recognition from the group for his lifetime “achievements.”

Harvey Weinstein has been banned for life from the Producers Guild of America. To which Pete Rose said “Lifetime ban? Who was his bookie?”

The Cleveland Browns missed out on a trade for backup quarterback A.J. McCarron because of a paperwork mistake. It was their biggest paperwork error with a quarterback since they misplaced the probation forms for Johnny Manziel.

A study says the effects of concussions in football depend on the position of the player. Which for most players suffering a head injury, that position is “prone.”

A study says the effects of concussions in football depend on the position of the player. The most vulnerable position for concussions being quarterback for the Jets.

O. J. Simpson’s house in Las Vegas was reportedly a hotspot for trick-or-treaters on Halloween. Apparently people came for the candy but also to admire his incredible knife-work on all the Jack-O-Lanterns.

O. J. Simpson’s house in Las Vegas was reportedly a hotspot for trick-or-treaters on Halloween. People hoping to meet O.J. in person were disappointed to find the candy instead being handed out by Kato Kaelin.

A fan reportedly bought two tickets to Game 7 of the World Series at Dodger Stadium for $117,000 on StubHub. Which after the Dodger loss meant he was a bub left with two stubs.

A fan reportedly bought two tickets to Game 7 of the World Series at Dodger Stadium for $117,000 on StubHub. Which would have been a good price at Yankee Stadium as long as it came with free parking, beer and a hot dog.

Bill Belichick’s friends say the Patriot’s coach may retire soon. At least that is what they are heard saying on all the spy cameras in his house.

Bill Belichick’s friends say the Patriot’s coach may retire soon. He was hoping to go out with Tom Brady but can’t put in another ten years waiting for him to hang it up.

The Celtics’ Kyrie Irving says there are no real photos of the Earth and also questions the Moon landing. Which gives hope to all other people around the world who know it is possible to have those kinds of skills and still find a great paying job.

The Cincinnati Bengals claim a missed e-mail led to the botched trade involving A.J. McCarron. That’s the last time the front office uses space on Hillary Clinton’s server.

The Dodgers prepared for Game 7 of the World Series by listening to Bob Marley. Which may explain why their pitching staff didn’t show up until the third inning.

The Dodgers prepared for Game 7 of the World Series by listening to Bob Marley. Unfortunately, the postgame was spent listening to Jacob Marley.

A World Series bettor who won on every game decided to not let his $14 Million in winnings ride on Game 7. Instead, he went to Dodger Stadium and used the money to buy two front row seats.

Donald Trump called the justice system in the U.S. “a laughing stock.” Which might not be the thing to do when they still haven’t finished passing out the indictments in the Russian investigation.

The Navy says two deadly ship crashes could have been prevented. For one thing, they will stop the program where they outsource the captain’s bridge to Uber.

Charles Grassley says sexual harassment training should be mandatory in the Senate. Which is a good idea now since the Senators have so much free time from not actually ever passing any legislation.

The White House Opioid Crisis Commission has released its final 128 page report. Which is ironic in that getting through the entire document takes a full prescription of OxyContin.

Donald Trump says he wants the tax bill to be called the “Cut Cut Cut Act.” To which most people are saying cut, cut, cut it out.

Scientists have created the first Virtual Reality experience in the Antarctic. Which can also be pretty much done by sticking your head in the freezer.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, a disappointing end to a great season for the Dodgers with the Game 7 loss last night. Good thing for me my ADHD has already gotten me thinking about what I will be eating for lunch today. Sometimes a lack of focus is a blessing. The Dodgers played well all year and just lost by a Yu Darvish. But all is not lost, at least I got a couple of good jokes out of it. Now I can put all my attention into watching the Raiders fall apart. It might be a long football season, too. But the time always goes by faster and I am never sad about any sports results as long as you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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