Sunday, November 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mass murderer Charles Manson has died at age 83. Millions of people were saddened. Why didn't this happen 50 years ago?

Mass murderer Charles Manson has died at age 83. It couldn't come at a better time for anyone looking for something to be thankful for this Thursday.

Mass murderer Charles Manson has died at age 83. He will be cremated, not by his request but just to prepare him for where he will be spending the rest of eternity.

Mass murderer Charles Manson has died at age 83. He was taken to a hospital in Bakersfield, not because it was near his prison but to make it a shorter trip to get to Hell.

A new birth control app is said to possibly replace the Pill. Which would be technology’s way of offsetting the effects of what happens because of Tinder.

A scientist claims he has performed the first human head transplant on a corpse. He claims it is successful because the patient’s condition hasn’t gotten any worse.

A scientist claims he has performed the first human head transplant on a corpse. Although putting a deceased head on a dead body is like sticking a Chrysler engine inside a Buick.

Police in New Jersey are giving training to local clergy on dealing with active shooters. The way to tell if a minister has had the classes is when they bless the congregation with “The Lord be with you. And Smith & Wesson, too.”

A poll says 1 in 3 Americans will avoid talking politics over Thanksgiving. They prefer the traditional family fights over religion, football and money.

The U.S. is warning about Christmas and New Year’s terrorism threats in Europe. Along with the usual threats of terrorism warnings over St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day…

A New Jersey woman was rescued after falling into a septic tank and being trapped for three hours. Although she says throw in a mob of unruly teens and some medical waste and it was like an afternoon on the Jersey Shore.

A New Jersey woman was rescued after falling into a septic tank and being trapped for three hours. She was rescued after people heard her screaming “”Fire!” When asked why she yelled “fire,” she said “Who would come if I yelled ‘Doody!’?” (Credit to the awesome Smothers Brothers for that one)

Tesla’s new roadster will be the fastest production car ever, going 0-60 in 1.9 seconds. Which would beat the record for the fastest time going 0-60 on the 405 Freeway in L.A. by six months.

A report says an “alarming” number of shoppers are still paying off their debt from last Christmas. Mostly people who are going overboard since it was the first time they have been able to afford to do any shopping since 2007.

A Wisconsin bill is seeking to lower the drinking age to 19. Mostly as a way to give teenagers a reason to stay in Wisconsin.

A Wisconsin bill is seeking to lower the drinking age to 19. It’s being called “the bill that made Milwaukee famous.”

A glut of unmarried men in China has prompted the government to promote dating coaches and lessons. Or they could be like the U.S., allow access to Tinder and just let things happen.

Turkish Olympic gold medalist weightlifter Suleymanoglu has died at age 50. The cause of death was cirrhosis of the liver, meaning in his last years he unfortunately spent his time lifting mostly shot glasses.

Chinese bike sharing companies are reportedly going bust. If they were more like New Yorkers, when they needed a bike they would just get a pair of bolt cutters.

The Federal Reserve says the average U.S. household is $137,000 in debt. What’s worse is that once that is paid off they can start working on the $150,000 they each owe to pay back the national deficit.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. Which is the same logic telling us the GOP tax plan to give more money to the rich will make us all wealthy.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. The way Trump has failed on so many issues, the real massacre of elephants could happen at the polls in 2018.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. Because who wants to go to a dirty old zoo when they can instead visit a hunter’s house and see a nice shiny elephant head on the wall?

MoviePass is offering a deal for unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. Which comes out to a price of about $30 each for the ones that are actually worth watching.

MoviePass is offering a deal for unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. Which if a person sees a movie every day will amount to more like $25,000 after buying popcorn, soft drinks and candy.

MoviePass is offering unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. The price goes up to $6,000 for the plan that guarantees the theater won’t play any Adam Sandler films.

A poll says consumers plan on spending an average of $862 on Christmas gifts this year. Although it is five times that much for the people who are going to buy at least one item from Apple.

Nevada’s plan to use untested execution drugs is said to be risky. To which the mob says why not just do it the easy way with a .38 and dump the body in Lake Mead?

A study says the benefits of energy drinks is outweighed by the risks to physical and mental health. Especially when considering the “benefits” of energy drinks are paranoia, insomnia, irritability, anger and a heart attack.

A blood test may make diagnosing Parkinson’s Disease easier. Especially when the patient is shaking to the point where they can’t use a needle to get a blood sample.

A study says boys get better marks in reading when there are more girls around. Although mostly because they start reading articles on how to pick up women.

A study says adopting a dog can lengthen a person’s life. Mostly because throwing pieces of their junk food to the dog it keeps them from eating all of it themselves.

A study says adopting a dog can lengthen a person’s life. Except for the people who adopt a pit bull and forget that one time to fill the food bowl.

A study says people with desk jobs want to move around more. Mostly to get as far away as possible from their micro-managing supervisors.

A study says children who are spanked have more behavior problems later. Just ask the 14 year old girls who kept getting asked to be spanked by Roy Moore.

A study says eating nuts may lower the risk of heart disease. That could be true. When is the last time you have seen a squirrel needing CPR?

Katy Perry has won a court battle over property in L.A. Fortunately for her, it turns out the Left Shark was also her attorney.

A former aide to Donald Trump says he made up the story of Chris Christie being sent to McDonald’s to pick up an order for Trump. As if anyone would believe Christie would return from McDonald’s with food for someone else.

A former aide to Donald Trump says he made up the story of Chris Christie being sent to McDonald’s to pick up an order for Trump. Which is nice to finally find out that the source of all that Trump fake news is pretty much Trump.

Quentin Tarrantino has taken a movie project about Charles Manson away from the Weinstein Company to another studio. How bad is it when even Charles Manson’s name could be damaged by being linked to Harvey Weinstein?

Kim Kardashian reportedly didn’t invite the surrogate mother to her baby shower. Apparently she didn’t want to spoil the surprise and let the baby see what gifts she would be getting.

Kim Kardashian reportedly didn’t invite the surrogate mother to her baby shower. Mostly because she considers it awkward to socialize with the help.

Lonzo Ball was called out for walking away from a skirmish in a game against the Suns. Apparently he was too worried about someone stepping on his $500 pair of Big Baller shoes.

Lonzo Ball was called out for walking away from a skirmish in a game against the Suns. It’s just as well. It’s not like he was going to land any punches when he can barely hit 30% from the floor.

LaVar Ball, when asked about his son being returned from China because of Donald Trump said “Who?” Not because of any disrespect, he just honestly doesn’t know who is President of the United States.

Donald Trump is urging the three UCLA basketball players to thank China’s president for their release. Just like Trump always thanks Vladimir Putin for getting him elected President.

Donald Trump is urging the three UCLA basketball players to thank China’s president for their release. Just like Trump thanks the Chinese president every day for not foreclosing on all their loans.

The Houston Rockets scored 90 points in the first half against the Phoenix Suns. Or as the Clippers call 90 points, a pretty good year.

The NFL is reviewing allegations that Jameis Winston groped a female Uber driver. If the charges are true, Winston could be sentenced to be Uber’s next CEO.

Polaroid wants millions of dollars from Fujifilm for copying their trademark white border film. Which is really big news for anyone still living in 1978.

A video game champion says eSports will be bigger than soccer. Which is why gamers winning a free game yell “Replayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

A video game champion says eSports will be bigger than soccer. Which is a real endorsement to say your activity is more exciting than watching a three hour match that ends in a 0-0 tie.

A study says being good at video games may mean a child is smart. It may also be a sign they have high cholesterol, are morbidly obese and should be tested for diabetes.

A report says new technology can cut insurance costs for young drivers. Which will help lower the rates that tripled from the technology that allowed them to text while driving.

The FCC has voted to cut back a program providing broadband access to poor Americans. Opponents to the measure say it is denying those who are not wealthy the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of online porn.

A rail company In Japan issued an apology after a train left the station 20 seconds early. As opposed to the U.S. where people are happy they aren’t dragged off a United flight for complaining about sitting on the tarmac for three hours.

A rail company In Japan issued an apology after a train left the station 20 seconds early. To which Amtrak, all U.S. airlines and Greyhound Bus said “What’s ‘early’?”

Declawing cats is now prohibited in Denver. The no declawing policy means the city has just put itself up for consideration to host the Miss Universe pageant.

A candidate for Ohio governor has apologized for boasting about his sexual history with “50 very attractive females.” Which to most people reading that phrasing brings up the question “How gay is this guy?”

A U.S. Navy destroyer received minor damage in a collision with a Japanese tugboat. Which means the Navy really needs to issue a rule banning texting from the bridge.

A report says Donald Trump’s advisers only show him polls that make him feel good. No wonder he keeps bringing up his election win as that is the only good news his people can come up with to show him.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of Malcolm Young at 64. Young was a founder and rhythm guitar player for AC/DC. He was truly responsible for young people all over the world to keep uttering the question “What?” Young had previously retired from the band because of reports of dementia. How bad is it when you can’t play rhythm guitar in a band that knows only three chords? AC/DC is one of the great rock bands of all time and Malcolm Young will be missed. 64 may sound young but in rock and roll standards it is somewhere around the equivalent of 115. At least he managed to live longer than the rock guitar, which unfortunately died around the time Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber released their first songs. Ugh. He also outlived the vinyl album and FM radio. Sometimes progress isn’t all that great. I hope you old rock and rollers all manage to crank up the stereo and listen to Malcolm back up the late Bon Scott from the same band who knew how to make some great music before auto-tune and sampling came along and wrecked everything. I also as usual hope you manage to remember to always keep on sending the love!

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