Thursday, November 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Data says that politics are ruining Thanksgiving for many families. Instead of the traditional reasons for wrecking the holiday meal like being criticized about your job, who you are dating and fighting with drunk relatives.

A loud “boom” shook parts of Alabama on Tuesday. NASA says it isn’t sure what caused it but it could have been the crashing of the most recent poll numbers for Roy Moore.

A woman was kicked off an American Airlines flight when her support pig got out of control. The issue was resolved with a bonus of passengers on the next flight enjoying a complimentary snack of pork rinds.

Women are accusing the web site VICE of a toxic sexual harassment culture. Although maybe they should have been more careful about going to work at a place that calls itself VICE.

A report says Donald Trump’s pulling out of the Paris climate accord could raise the world temperature up another one half degree. And that is just from his getting hot under the collar from being criticized for it.

A report says reference librarians are busier than ever despite the availability of search engines. The problem is the most frequent question they are asked by library patrons is “Does this look infected to you?”

A medical startup will offer AI body scans at an L.A. mall. Although people can still get them for free over at LAX by making rude statements in security lines to the TSA.

A New York restaurant is offering Thanksgiving dinner for $76,000. It’s for people who want to give thanks they are so rich they can spend $76,000 on a turkey dinner.

A New York restaurant is offering Thanksgiving dinner for $76,000. The meal costs $100 and the rest is for the pleasure of eating a holiday meal without any relatives.

Alaska residents are being urged to stockpile food and water in case of a nuclear attack by North Korea. As opposed to the usual stocking of food and water from being trapped in isolation for months at a time in -80 below zero weather.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for bringing a gun to the St. Louis Airport. He says it wasn’t to bring on the plane but just because he has to drive to work through St. Louis.

 A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for bringing a gun to the St. Louis Airport. It turns out he was moonlighting as a customer service representative over at United.

Iranians are outraged over shoddy construction in the recent earthquake zone. Although why build something sturdy that is only going to be blown up in the next few months by terrorists or invading forces?

Iranians are outraged over shoddy construction in the recent earthquake zone. Imagine that. Iranians being outraged over something.

Donald Trump is taking credit for freeing three UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting in China. Fortunately for them they weren’t stealing any of the Trump family merchandise that is all manufactured there.

A poll says a majority of voters are against the GOP tax plan. Which makes sense because the billionaires the plan was written for are in the vast minority.

A photo of Steve Mnuchin along with his actress wife wearing black patent leather gloves examining freshly $1 bills has gone viral. He wanted to show her there really were bills with a denomination of less than $100.

A photo of Steve Mnuchin along with his actress wife wearing black patent leather gloves examining freshly $1 bills has gone viral. She was showing off her acting chops in trying to pretend she is with him for any reason other than the money.

A photo of Steve Mnuchin along with his actress wife wearing black patent leather gloves examining freshly $1 bills has gone viral. What it didn’t show was her saying “We can use cash for plan to destroy Moose and Squirrel.”

A report says the cost of repairing a shattered screen on an iPhone X is $300. Which at least finally gives an incentive for Naomi Campbell to think twice before she bounces one off her assistant’s head.

Richard Cordray is leaving his post as head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, leaving Donald Trump to pick his successor. The only qualification for the job is knowing to not enforce any standards on vodka, steaks and ties.

A report says low self esteem can have adverse effects on the job. Especially from the lack of confidence that comes with having a master’s degree and being stuck working behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

A poll says mentions of economic issues as the top problem is the lowest in 18 years. Mostly because they have been passed by concerns about race, jobs, immigration, healthcare, terrorism…

A California woman’s family is demanding answers after she died following a liposuction procedure in Mexico. Well, the answer seems to be right there in that part about “liposuction procedure in Mexico.”

A study says indulgent grandparents could be bad for kids’ health because of treats, overfeeding and a lack of activity. Mostly because the grandparents figure that same lifestyle has gotten them this far.

A study says staying active may lower the odds of developing glaucoma. And glaucoma lowers the odds of being active because it’s no fun to keep running into things you can’t see.

A report says Obamacare sign-ups are 45% ahead of last year’s pace. Apparently after nine years, people are finally starting to doubt the Republicans’ whole “repeal and replace” thing.

A study says five factors can predict a person’s heart health. Those five things are Wendy’s, Burger King, McDonald’s, Arby’s and Taco Bell.

Ohio has rescheduled the execution date a year and a half away for an inmate who couldn’t be killed because they couldn’t insert the IV needle properly. Medical experts say the attempt to kill him was all in vein.

Ohio has rescheduled the execution date a year and a half away for an inmate who couldn’t be killed because his veins were bad. Prison doctors are working feverishly on a way to keep him alive that long so he can be properly put to death.

The lawyer of an Ohio inmate who has had his execution rescheduled because his veins were in such bad shape says his client is “glad to be alive.” Because what could be better than sitting in a cell another 18 months to get well enough to be executed?

A study says a psychedelic drug may ease depression and alcoholism. Mostly by making them trip so hard they completely forget they are a depressed alcoholic.

A study says even if researchers find a groundbreaking treatment for Alzheimer’s Disease, millions may not be able to benefit from it. Mostly the ones who keep forgetting where they put it.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has set new standards for screen times for kids. The new guidelines call for no more than 23 hours on any particular day, depending on whether parents can even get the gadgets out of their hands.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has set new standards for screen times for kids. It now calls for time to be evenly divided between their iPhone, iPad, laptop, and video game console.

The movie “Titanic” will be re-released to commemorate its 20th anniversary. Spoiler alert to everyone: The ship sinks at the end.

The movie “Titanic” will be re-released to commemorate its 20th anniversary. The ironic part of the film is that people would actually rather be on the ship than at that same theater watching an Adam Sandler movie.

The three UCLA basketball players accused of shoplifting in China have been suspended “indefinitely.” As opposed to any other students who would have been suspended definitely.

A man was shot following an argument over whether Alabama or Auburn is the better school. Ironically, it’s a pretty good bet neither the victim nor shooter has been in a classroom past the seventh grade.

The Patriots are preparing in high altitude for this Sunday’s game, to be played in Mexico City. The idea for the venue came from Tom Brady because at 7,500 feet the air pressure inside the balls will already be 3 fewer pounds per square inch.

A London telecom company will run fiber optic lines through city sewers. It’s to accommodate people who use the Internet to buy nothing but crap at Amazon.

Saudi Arabia says it wants to build its own startup like Google or Amazon. Although that really isn’t necessary as looking up “Saudi Arabia” on Google brings two results. “Oil” and “sand.”

Saudi Arabia says it wants to build its own startup like Google or Amazon. Although the people there don’t really need something as big as Amazon when all they are looking to buy is a detergent to get hummus stains out of a burqa.

Forever 21 stores are investigating a possible data breach. Although it’s not going to do the hackers any good to access their data because all the customers’ birthdates are from 21 years ago.

UK supermarkets are trying a face based ID and payment system. Computers can detect fraud instantly when a transaction is attempted by someone with straight teeth.

Sean Hannity says he is satisfied that Roy Moore answered all his questions. Of course, the questioning started with “So, just how not guilty are you?”

Roy Moore sent a tweet to Mitch McConnell saying “Bring. It. On.” Which means if the two old white men ever square off on the Senate floor it could result in several minutes of mutual scowling.

The former head of the IRS says a safe is being built to hold Donald Trump’s tax returns. Not by the IRS, but by Trump so that no auditors will ever get their hands on them.

The Trump Administration will issue elephant trophy hunting permits. It will be the biggest elephant hunt since Democrats started looking into filing for impeachment.

The Trump Administration will issue elephant trophy hunting permits. The worst part is that the licenses were issued to hunters at the Columbus Zoo.

Roy Moore says the yearbook with his inscription to a high school girl is a fake. He says he can prove it because not one other signature in the book is done with an “X.”

Roy Moore’s attorney wants the yearbook that contains his inscription to a high school girl to be released. Although it won’t look good when reporters go through it and find several photos of him wearing a powder blue tuxedo in the prom section.

Blake Shelton has been chosen as People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” To which most people’s incredulous reaction was “Sexiest? Man alive!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just a week away. Time just flies. It seems like the last Thanksgiving was only 51 weeks ago. That is crazy. One thing I always give thanks for is that I have my great readers who log in every day still hoping that at some point these jokes will get better. I admire your optimism. And if you ever have a few spare minutes with absolutely nothing better to do, I would like to hear from you. All you need to do is click on the link to my e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com and jot down a few hopefully expletive-free words. It doesn’t take much to make me happy, and it’s always the best when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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