Sunday, November 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The most expensive bottle of wine ever was auctioned off for $350,000. The inspiring part was it took the skid row wino who bought it 57 years of panhandling to come up with the cash.

The most expensive bottle of wine ever was auctioned off for $350,000. Which will teach the person who bought it not to get so drunk on cheap wine before bidding.

A 23 year old Arizona exorcist claims to have cast out 2,000 demons in the past 10 years. She was so young when she started, her first few cases were purging cooties.

A 23 year old Arizona exorcist claims to have cast out 2,000 demons in the past 10 years. Locals are worried she may go to Arizona State University where there is an enrollment of 70,000 Sun Devils.

An Oklahoma woman who married her mother has pleaded guilty to incest. She could be sentenced up to three years in Alabama.

A radiation leak from Russia has spread across Europe. The scary part is that it isn’t even the biggest leak that Donald Trump is worried about getting out of Russia.

A radiation leak from Russia has spread across Europe. To which North Korea’s Kim Jung-un is saying “Psyche!”

North Korea is calling Donald Trump an “old lunatic” and “warmonger.” To which Trump is telling them that flattery will get them nowhere.

North Korea is calling Donald Trump an “old lunatic” and “warmonger.” Donald Trump was insulted, saying “How dare they call me old!”

A North Carolina air traffic controller has been arrested for possessing a weapon of mass destruction. Apparently he felt it would be easiest to hide it by working at an airport as it’s not like the TSA would ever find it.

A North Carolina air traffic controller has been arrested for possessing a weapon of mass destruction. Which could be said about any controller who is giving landing instructions to a United Airlines jet.

New York City will start making all subway announcements gender neutral. Which means they will address all gropers, flashers and perverts the same no matter what their preference.

New York City will start making all subway announcements gender neutral. Which means instead of saying “Youse guys” and “Youse chicks” they will just start them all with “Hey, all of youse!”

A study says breathing the air in Delhi, India is like smoking 44 cigarettes a day. Which explains why so many people there are moving to L.A. saying they are trying to cut back.

A study says breathing the air in Delhi, India is like smoking 44 cigarettes a day. Which people in New York are looking at, saying they could move there and still ruin their lungs while saving $16 a day.

Kenya is using discarded plastic bottles to build boats. Which means pirates could soon be changing their lyrics to “Yo, ho ho and a bottle of Evian!”

The Post Office is taking on Alzheimer’s Disease with a new stamp. The problem is that letters with the stamp will arrive three years late to the wrong address.

A study says playing outside helps kids’ vision. Although it’s hard to imagine why it’s better for young eyes to catch Pokemon staring at an iPhone screen outside than when sitting on the living room couch.

Vladimir Putin says he will retaliate for U.S. actions on Russian media, saying it is “an attack on freedom of speech.” That’s his job to take away everyone’s freedom of speech.

Hasbro is making a takeover bid for its struggling rival Mattel. Or to put it in toy industry lingo, G.I. Joe is making unwanted advances on Barbie.

A new app helps Facebook users find restaurants. Which means you can now get directions to where your friends are posting pictures of what they are eating.

Altice cable is jumping into the wireless business using Sprint’s network. Which means you will now have to redial ten times after dropped calls to find out how many more days until the cable guy shows up.

A study says obesity is to blame for an epidemic of knee problems. It’s gotten really bad when your joints start asking why you are carrying around two other people all the time.

The CDC says too many Americans are still using tobacco. Although the way to cut back on the number of people using tobacco is to have more people use tobacco.

A study says sleep apnea may boost the risk of Alzheimer’s. Especially the ones who keep getting smacked in the head by their partner when they snore all night.

Tourists from Utah say they contracted Hepatitis A on a trip to San Diego. To think they could have saved all that time and money and just gotten Hepatitis C with a trip to their local tattoo parlor.

A report says fewer Americans are being killed by lightning. Mostly because it’s a lot harder for a storm to hit someone when they are sitting inside on the couch all day.

Richard Dreyfuss is being accused of sexual harassment by a woman. Apparently that explains the meaning of close encounters of the first and second kind.

Louis C.K. has lost his publicist after reports of sexual misconduct. How bad is it when even a Hollywood publicist says there is such a thing as bad publicity?

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he was drinking when he said he was changing his name to Brother Love. Which makes you wonder what he was on when he came up with the names “Puff Daddy,” “P. Diddy” and “Diddy”?

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he was drinking when he said he was changing his name to Brother Love. Apparently he decided against it when he wondered what ever happened to Snoop Lion?

Garth Brooks was slammed by other performers for lip syncing at last week’s CMA. That’s like a rapper carrying a gun on stage that is loaded with blanks.

Robby the Robot from the 1956 movie “Forbidden Planet” is up for auction. Which shows that 60 years ago actors were the first workers to be worried about losing their jobs to a robot.

A Mercedes F-1 team was robbed at gunpoint in Brazil in their minivan. Which was the second heist that day if you count being robbed of their dignity having to drive a minivan.

The Celtics Kyrie Irving had to leave a game after being hit in the face. The interesting part is he saw enough stars circling his head to change his mind and finally admit the world is round.

Jets wide receiver Jermaine Kearse says the NFL should get rid of Thursday Night Football. Apparently that’s too many days of the week when you already lose on every Sunday and an occasional Monday.

A musician has made a recording based on the rhythm of global warming. Interestingly enough, the style of music turned out to be Salsa.

A musician has made a recording based on the rhythm of global warming. So far the song has been moving up the charts faster than the rise of the sea level.

China’s “Singles Day,” the biggest shopping day on the planet brought in $25 Billion. The day is a celebration of lonely hearts, which makes it no surprise the most popular items sold are all “Star Wars” toys.

A report says the iPhone X becomes unresponsive in cold weather. Which means Apple will jack up the price another $100 for also serving as a thermometer.

Equifax says its executives will not get their 2017 bonuses. Let’s just hope not getting as much money as they were expecting won’t hurt their credit score.

Uber has lost a court ruling in England and must treat drivers as workers instead of self-employed. What’s next, Uber being expected to treat everyone like humans?

An effort is on to memorialize Felicette, the only cat to ever fly in space. It was never tried again as other astronauts kept complaining the capsule smelled like cat pee.

An effort is on to memorialize Felicette, the only cat to ever fly in space. The most popular idea is to place a bag of Jonny Cat into perpetual orbit around the Earth.

Fidget Spinners that tested positive for lead have been pulled from Target stores. Apparently it was a mistake in shipping and they were supposed to go to Kmart.

Fidget Spinners that tested positive for lead have been pulled from Target stores. The shelf space will instead be filled with Pet Rocks, Beanie Babies and Furbies.

The State Department will offer early retirement buyouts to workers. Mostly because with Donald Trump in the White House, there is no longer any work available for people with a background in diplomacy.

Donald Trump and his advisers have begun drafting a peace plan for the Middle East. Which people in that region of the world should assume that somewhere in the title of the plan will be the word “Nuclear.”

Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee says the Clinton people need to “look in the mirror” over their election loss. Just like when thinking about his election victory, Donald Trump does exactly the same thing.

Donald Trump says he “hasn’t devoted much time” to sex allegations against Roy Moore. Or to climate change, or immigration, or health care…

Donald Trump says Vladimir Putin claims he didn’t meddle in the 2016 U.S. elections. It was all those hackers he hired.

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when he says “I didn’t do that” over claims he meddled in the 2016 U.S. elections. Although it’s tough to trust a country’s leader when he takes his catch phrase from Bart Simpson.

Roy Moore says he “doesn’t remember dating any girl without the permission of their mother.” Especially when they had to be back home by 8:00 on a school night.

Roy Moore says he “doesn’t remember dating any girl without the permission of their mother.” He also made sure to ask the moms if their daughters were vaccinated for Cooties.

Roy Moore says he “doesn’t remember dating any girl without the permission of their mother.” Because we all remember hoping we could get her mom’s blessing before asking out that 25-year old waitress.

A survey says half of all Americans favor a mandatory year of national service. The other half are wealthy enough to make sure their kids get into college or have some other deferment to be able to get out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! All these claims of sexual harassment are really bringing down some powerful men. What’s wrong with these guys? Whatever happened to the old fashioned traditional way of just paying for a hooker and being done with it? Is nothing sacred anymore? I know that the one thing I still hold sacred is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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