Friday, November 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Chicago is considering fines up to $500 for people texting while crossing the street. The ironic part is when they are run over by the driver they are distracting with their texts.

Chicago is considering fines up to $500 for people texting while crossing the street. They feel the only thing that should be in a pedestrian’s hand is their 9mm Ruger.

A report says the TSA fails 80% of undercover tests at airports. Which is OK as it puts them at exactly the same rate as United Airlines flights that are canceled.

A report says the TSA fails 80% of undercover tests at airports. Which is good to know that only 4 out of 5 terrorists have a chance to succeed at their missions.

A report says Harvey Weinstein tried to get an accuser’s therapy records. Which is ironic as he is the one who made them seek psychiatric help in the first place.

A new book alleges there was gay sex in Vatican dormitories and shady banking practices. The book also has the startling revelation that the Pope is Catholic.

A new World Cup soccer ball has a computer chip inside. Which the NFL should consider using to check for deflation for any games quarterbacked by Tom Brady.

A new World Cup soccer ball has a computer chip inside. It’s main feature is to wake spectators up on the rare occasions when someone actually scores a goal.

A billionaire is predicting humans will live in underwater cities. Which is not to be confused with the billionaire bankers who put every homeowner in L.A. underwater.

An American family was able to escape from Amazon pirates in Brazil and make their way back home. Where they will still have to deal with Amazon pirates every time they order a package that is left on their doorstep.

Pope Francis I has waded into the North Korea crisis, vowing to save the world from nuclear disaster. Although before he goes looking for all kinds of praise, isn’t that pretty much in his job description?

Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore is being accused of making sexual advances on a 14-year-old girl when he was 32. Which could hurt his election chances since she wasn’t at least a second cousin.

A psychologist says Christmas music may take a mental toll on some people. Right around the 500th time they hear “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”

A psychologist says Christmas music may take a mental toll on some people. Especially when they now start playing Christmas carols on the radio in mid-June.

A psychologist says Christmas music may take a mental toll on some people. If they think it’s bad now, just wait until Justin Bieber comes out with his holiday album.

Moroccan teachers are demanding better protection from violence in schools. To which educators in Chicago are saying “What makes them so much better than everyone else?”

An Indian city is rounding up beggars in advance of a visit there by Ivanka Trump. Mostly so they can have them update their resumes to apply to work in one of Ivanka’s clothing factories.

A report says Pope John Paul I is moving closer to sainthood. Becoming a saint after serving only 33 days in office is using the same logic as topping the best Presidents list with William Henry Harrison.

A report says Pope John Paul I is moving closer to sainthood. Mostly because he is one of the few Popes who was never tied to a banking or altar boy sex scandal.

A parking lot operator in Los Angeles is accused of stealing $11 Million from the Veterans Administration. What were they parking, a fleet of F-16 fighter jets?

A parking lot operator in Los Angeles is accused of stealing $11 Million from the Veterans Administration. Which just shows if you put on a red vest in L.A., people will pay you anything you ask to find them a parking space.

A real life “Iron Man” broke the world’s record for fastest jet suit at 32.02 MPH. That’s it? A super hero wearing that suit could be beaten to the scene of a disaster by someone driving a 1978 Ford Pinto.

A real life “Iron Man” broke the world’s record for fastest jet suit at 32.02 MPH. Apparently the secret to its velocity is that it is actually made out of iron.

A French woman reportedly faked being kidnapped so she could cheat on her live-in boyfriend while separated from her husband. Now, what made authorities suspect she was capable of telling a series of lies?

A German nurse is being accused of killing more than 100 patients. Apparently the problem is the nurse is dyslexic and mistook the “hospital” sign for “hospice.”

A German nurse is being accused of killing more than 100 patients. No one even knew that Germany had started accepting the use of HMOs.

The Vatican says it will stop the sale of cigarettes in its shops. Apparently every time visitors saw white smoke being blown they thought a new Pope had been elected.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says corporate America doesn’t need a big tax cut. What people really want is a cup of coffee that doesn’t wipe out their retirement savings.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says corporate America doesn’t need a big tax cut. They also don’t need private jets, chauffeured limousines and a penthouse office, but aren’t going to turn them down when someone else is paying the bill.

Tiffany is selling a $1,000 tin can to put pencils in. Which when the user is done with it can still be taken down to a reclamation center and be redeemed for a nickel.

Tiffany is selling a $1,000 tin can to put pencils in. Mostly as a historical decoration to display them to children who have never actually seen a pencil before.

Yahoo says mega data hacks could happen to any company. Especially a corporation with billions of accounts that can’t come up with a better password than “12345.”

The National Toy Hall of Fame’s 2017 inductees are the paper airplane, whiffle ball and Clue. To which any child under 10 has no idea what those are since none of them are available to play with on an iPad.

BMW is recalling more than a million vehicles for a fire risk and is recommending they be parked outside. To which anyone with a BMW who is about to see their house go into foreclosure is saying that is a chance they will just have to take.

The CDC is blaming drinking water for hundreds of illnesses and 13 deaths in the U.S. That total could go even higher once they start testing cities other than Flint, Michigan.

A mother of four delivered her fifth baby by herself, pulling off the side of the road and then driving to the hospital. By the time the fifth child comes along, apparently it’s about as routine as changing a tire.

A mother of four delivered her fifth baby by herself, pulling off the side of the road and then driving to the hospital. Delivering a baby in under 30 minutes already has gotten her several offers to start driving for Domino’s.

A study says an aging heart may weaken a person’s memory. Which apparently is why Dick Cheney has never been called in to testify about anything that happened during the George W. Bush Administration.

Air quality measurements in Delhi, India were at 969 this week, where the WHO says anything over 25 is unsafe. Which by comparison makes even Chris Christie’s cholesterol levels look pretty healthy.

Health experts say that addictions should be treated like a disease. As opposed to hypochondriacs who treat diseases like an addiction.

An announcement says “Star Wars” will have another upcoming movie trilogy. Which means geeks and nerds around the world have just been given a reason to live for yet another five years.

Garth Brooks admits he lip synced his performance at the 2017 CMA awards. Apparently it was just too hard to sing live while trying to keep up with the backup dancers in his complicated choreography routine.

Kathy Griffin fainted during a live performance in Ireland. It turns out she can’t stand the sight of blood while holding her fake Donald Trump severed head.

O.J. Simpson was booted from a Las Vegas hotel after a drunken disturbance. Apparently he no longer has a tolerance for anything stronger than toilet wine.

O.J. Simpson was booted from a Las Vegas hotel after a drunken disturbance. Which brings up an image of several security guards saying “No, you kick him out!”

Tiger Woods says his knee is “trashed.” Which makes it just like his marriage, reputation and driving record.

Yu Darvish thanked Dodger fans for their support after Game 7 of the World Series. The fans in return say they still love him. And they will miss him just as soon as he is done cleaning out his locker.

The upcoming Titans and Steelers game on Thursday Night Football will use a sky cam for a primary view, making it look like a video game. That effect has already been seen when the Browns play, the video game being “Mortal Kombat.”

Al Franken says it’s time to curb the power of Google, Facebook and Twitter. Mostly because he is just jealous about the loss of power in recent years on “Saturday Night Live” and in the Senate.

A new app tells users if a McDonald’s ice cream machine is down. Which is about as necessary as an app showing if the cable guy is on time, a United flight has been canceled or if your AT&T phone connection is working.

Uber’s new CEO says he wants to put his stamp on the company. As opposed to former CEO Travis Kalanick who also liked to put his stamp on the company but only with his knuckles.

A report says couples earning $1 Million or more a year will be eligible for child tax credits in the GOP tax bill. Mostly to help them pay for the six nannies they will need to hire to raise them.

Donald Trump will be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin today. It has now been a year since Trump was elected and like with most other people is sitting down with his boss for his annual employee evaluation.

The attorney of the man who allegedly attacked Senator Rand Paul says the dispute was over a “messy yard.” Which means he could have just easily have been attacked by a passing barber.

Donald Trump’s nominee for his top environmental adviser is “not a scientist” and calls CO2 a “plant nutrient.” Which is correct when considering that the plant she is talking about is a coal fired power plant.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, it’s the end of another week of great jokes. Somewhere. The important part of that sentence is that it is the end of the week. I hope you enjoyed my gags which apparently you still do enough to check them out. Feel free to drop me an e-mail and tell me what you think. I’m at jimbarach@hotmail.com. There, all you have to do is click on that to lodge your complaints. No excuses now. Thanks for checking them out. That is a reward in itself although the best feeling I get for my efforts is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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