Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says 58% of Americans are afraid to discuss their political views. Now all we have to do is convince the other 42% to keep their big mouths shut.

Danica Patrick says she is preparing for a career transition. All that practice driving in congestion will make her a shoo-in to be one of the best Uber drivers ever.

JFK assassination documents say an informant told the CIA that Hitler was living in Colombia in the 1950s under the name Adolf Shrittelmayor. Which means he also just ruined it for anyone thinking of changing their name to Shrittelmayor.

A report says the depression rate for kids 12-17 has been rising. Especially the ones whose parents voted for Trump and they are still too young to cancel them out at the polls.

A Texas child was reportedly disciplined by being forced to brush their teeth with cat feces. The only question is how did their parents get it into a tube?

A Texas child was reportedly disciplined by being forced to brush their teeth with cat feces. Apparently their teacher became suspicious when she smelled Jonny Cat on their breath.

A Pennsylvania mom was jailed for beating her daughter for incorrectly reciting Bible verses. Which is ironic in that the mother obviously incorrectly remembered whatever Bible verse she thought said it was OK to do that.

A Pennsylvania mom was jailed for beating her daughter for incorrectly reciting Bible verses. It’s too bad the mother didn’t read some literature that told her that was wrong, like the Bible.

California may tax legalized pot as much as 45%. The problem is that it will take the potheads running the dispensaries three hours to figure out how much is 45%.

A study says Alaska is the most sexually diseased state in the nation. The worst part is it was determined after the free clinics reported more people coming in with the latest strain of walrus herpes.

A study says Vermont has the lowest rate of sexually transmitted disease in the country. Mostly because have you ever checked out the women in Vermont?

The White House has released Donald Trump’s official portrait. Like with the Mueller investigation, he is already complaining that it was framed.

Andy Dick was fired from a movie after claims of sexual harassment. People were surprised. Who is still hiring Andy Dick?

Lampposts in Austria have been covered with airbags to stop smartphone “zombies” from running into them. The ironic part is the people who crash into them are usually looking at their phones to see videos of people running into lampposts.

Scientists say they have found an ancient city in the middle of the ocean. They are calling it “Tokyo.”

Donald Trump called former foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos a “low level volunteer.” Which is easy to believe he was low level and not getting paid if you look at any of Donald Trump’s foreign policies.

Chinese President Xi has vowed he will wipe out poverty in his country by 2020. Apparently his idea is that if everyone has no money, they will all be equally as rich.

Chinese President Xi has vowed he will wipe out poverty in his country by 2020. His solution is to give the people a $20 Trillion windfall. The only problem is thinking he is going to be able to get that by collecting the money we still owe them.

Executives from Facebook, Twitter and Google were grilled by the Senate over Russian propaganda. The sad part being that Americans are now getting their news from Facebook, Twitter and Google.

Executives from Facebook, Twitter and Google were grilled by the Senate over Russian propaganda. To which Google and Facebook say they are no match for the propaganda put out on Twitter every day by Donald Trump.

A study says the greatest financial fear for Americans is an unplanned financial emergency. Which most people know as having children.

A study says the greatest financial fear for Americans is an unplanned financial emergency. As opposed to trying to stick to a budget which at least is a planned financial emergency.

New Jersey is suing the company that makes OxyContin, saying it is responsible for the opioid epidemic. Although the argument can be made most people in New Jersey are taking opioids because they live in New Jersey.

New Jersey is suing the company that makes OxyContin, saying it is responsible for the opioid epidemic. Which is like Chris Christie claiming he’s fat because of the company that makes Twinkies.

A report says several Fox News employees are calling their coverage of the Russian investigation “an embarrassment.” People were surprised. The people at Fox News can get embarrassed?

A report says several Fox News employees are calling their coverage of the Russian investigation “an embarrassment.” Which brings up the question, what have they been watching the past 20 years?

A report says Russian trolls on Facebook are calling for violence against Black Lives Matter and immigrants. Which proves those really are the people who were behind the Trump campaign.

A survey says the physician burnout rate has increased from by 11% in the past four years. Although for most doctors, the “burnout rate” is the number of times they burn out in their Mercedes to get in a quick nine at the country club.

A survey says the physician burnout rate has increased from by 11% in the past four years. The biggest problem is the writer’s cramp they suffer from writing their patients all those prescriptions for opioids.

A survey says the physician burnout rate has increased from by 11% in the past four years. The biggest problem is the eyestrain from looking up all their patients’ symptoms on WebMD.

A study says the poor and elderly are most threatened by climate change. The poor because they can’t afford air conditioning and the elderly because they still can’t get used to the heat since that last Ice Age.

A dietitian says it is best to eat Halloween candy along with other food and not just by itself. Which most Americans agree with, saying it really goes great with cake, pie and ice cream.

New Jersey authorities were warning residents of candy laced with marijuana. The first sign is when your kids eat all the candy and then have a craving for more candy.

New Jersey authorities were warning residents of candy laced with marijuana. Apparently it was just detected with kids who went trick-or-treating at the “Jersey Shore” Halloween reunion party.

New Jersey authorities were warning residents of candy laced with marijuana. Although it turns out the pot is actually a lot safer than any of the other ingredients found in the candy.

A study says belly fat increases the risk of complications and death during emergency surgery. Especially when the emergency surgery is a result of the patient being morbidly obese.

A study says belly fat increases the risk of complications and death during emergency surgery. You know there is too much belly fat when the surgeon comes to the operating table not with a scalpel but a carving knife.

The FDA is warning that eating too much black licorice can result in an irregular heartbeat. Especially from running down the street at full speed being chased by the kids who just had their Halloween licorice stolen.

Dentists are condoning eating Halloween candy all at once. Mostly so kids’ teeth rot by Thanksgiving and all that extra business comes in time to give them some extra money to spend on Christmas presents.

A policy in the UK to ban smokers and obese patients from non-urgent surgery is stirring debate. Which is not really a big deal because anytime an overweight smoker has surgery it is usually urgent.

A policy in the UK to ban smokers and obese patients from non-urgent surgery is stirring debate. Unlike in the U.S. where medical attention is only denied to people who are poor.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice called Sofia Vergara a “bitch” at a photo shoot, saying she expected her to be nice because she is “an immigrant.” Now, what could have caused her to be so mean to her in the first place?

Farrah Abraham was fired from “Teen Mom OG” after resuming her porn career, saying she is the “biggest talent on the show.” Which may be true considering what talent is needed to be a cast member of “Teen Mom.”

Jason Kidd called Russell Westbrook “the Mike Tyson of basketball.” Which means the other players need to be made aware when they drive the lane to watch out for getting punched by a defender with a Maori tribal face tattoo.

The Cowboys say they will likely appeal the latest ruling on the Ezekiel Elliott suspension. Not to say the case is dragging on, but even O.J. Simpson didn’t spend this much time in court.

Jadeveon Clowney says wearing a prisoner costume for Halloween was not a shot at team owner Bob McNair’s comparison of players to “inmates.” If he wanted to really be like McNair he could have just been a little more clowney.

The temperature at the start of Game 6 of the World Series was 67 degrees, compared with 103 degrees for Game 1. Unfortunately, the only thing that cooled down as much for the Dodgers in between was their bullpen.

Martina Hingis says she will retire again from tennis after reaching the ripe old age of 37. Which sounds ancient in tennis except for the fact that 36 year old Serena Williams will defend her Australian Open title after having a baby.

Donald Trump, Jr. tweeted he will teach his daughter about socialism by taking away her Halloween candy and giving it to kids who stayed home. Or he could teach her about capitalism and pretend to be Wells Fargo and just keep it all for himself.

A survey says the two candidates with the best chance of beating Donald Trump in 2020 are two white men in their 70s, Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. In other words, the Democrats will have to fight fire with fire.

White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders defended comments by John Kelly about Robert E. Lee, saying all leaders have flaws. It’s just that they didn’t used to be able to air them all out in public by posting them on Twitter.

A survey says fewer Americans say their household was victimized by crime in the past year. Mostly because there wasn’t much left to take after being victimized by their mortgage company and foreclosed back in 2008.

A survey says support for the death penalty in the U.S. is at its lowest since 1972. To which all the members of the Trump Administration facing indictment are saying “Whew!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers pulled it off last night, winning a close one 3-1. That means Game 7 is on tonight, winner takes all. Loser just gets their regular ridiculous seven and eight figure salaries, fame and all the other perqs that go with being a professional athlete. So no one comes out that dinged up. I will be watching and am hoping we have one great game left. Our best bet is that the Houston players will all get caught in traffic and won’t make it on the field in time for the game. It could happen. If the Dodgers take it, I will be one happy customer. But you should still take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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