Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! Form the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Chinese space station is projected to crash into Earth next year and pieces could hit a major city. Any smaller cities in the U.S. that are struck could see the most devastation by the Chinese since the opening of the local Wal-Mart.

A biological warfare simulation is being planned for Oklahoma. When asked why Oklahoma, the military says “Have you ever taken in a deep breath in Tulsa?”

New York gossip columnist Liz Smith has died at age 94. Although at this point sources say it is still just a rumor.

15,000 scientists from around the world have signed a letter giving a catastrophic warning of the fate of the world. The worst part is it has nothing to do with global warming, overpopulation or pollution but was drafted after the November elections.

Bill Gates has offered $100 Million to fight Alzheimer’s Disease. The only problem is he can’t remember where he put his checkbook.

Hackers say they have broken into the iPhone X Face ID. Mostly because it’s easy to look like the owner by just looking sad after dumping $1,000 on an iPhone X.

A report says more than half of all pregnancies in California are unintended. Which is what happens to a state that is the home to four NBA teams.

Ivanka Trump says tax reform is critical to helping the middle class. Which to Ivanka Trump, the middle class is anyone making between $12-20 Million a year.

A survey says 7 in 10 people would skip giving holiday gifts if everyone else would agree. Mostly just to avoid having to open another necktie, fruitcake or holiday sweater on Christmas morning.

A study says only a third of people suffering cardiac arrest during sex receive CPR from their partner. Mostly because if the victim is a woman, the man has already fallen asleep.

GQ has chosen Colin Kaepernick as its “Citizen of the Year.” Mostly for having both the conscience and class so he will take a knee, but know enough to never do it while wearing an Armani suit. 

A British scrabble star has been banned from competition for cheating. It turns out they weren’t cheating but were playing in a tournament in the U.S. and tried to pass off words like “lorry,” “pram” and “loo.”

A British scrabble star has been banned from competition for cheating. Apparently they got away with it for so long because no one wanted to admit they didn’t know that “foxclore,” “castrealm” and “leuzoid” were fake words.

Donald Trump has chosen a former pharmaceutical executive as Health Secretary after Tom Price resigned over private flights. Trump is making sure that won’t happen again by appointing someone wealthy enough to have their own private jet.

Three former South American soccer officials are going on trial in New York for taking bribes. So far, all three are pleading “Not guiltyyyyyyyyyyy!”

A supporter of Roy Moore compared sex abuse to stealing a lawn mower. That is one person you don’t want coming to your house asking to borrow any yard equipment.

A supporter of Roy Moore compared sex abuse to stealing a lawn mower. It’s unfortunate Moore wasn’t like most other people and considering abusing a 14 year old means asking them to cut the grass.

GE is considering getting rid of light bulbs after making the invention of its founder Thomas Edison for 125 years. If that goes well, they may also eventually stop production of the stock ticker, kinetoscope and cylindrical phonograph.

Roger Goodell is asking for a contract extension calling for $50 Million in salary, lifetime access to a private jet and lifelong healthcare. Apparently the NFL players aren’t the only ones suffering symptoms of severe head injury.

Roger Goodell is asking for a contract extension calling for $50 Million in salary, lifetime access to a private jet and lifelong healthcare. Who does he think he is, a member of the Trump Cabinet?

Bill Gates is investing $80 Million to build a “smart city” in Arizona. How do you build a smart city in Arizona? Put up a wall to keep out everyone from Nevada.

Some people are destroying Keurig coffee makers to protest the company pulling ads off Sean Hannity’s TV show. Which may be a good think as it sounds like those people need to cut back a bit on the caffeine.

Some people are destroying Keurig coffee makers to protest the company pulling ads off Sean Hannity’s TV show. Which is fine with Keurig, especially when those people realize they miss their coffee and have to buy another Keurig.

Puerto Rico is asking for $94 Billion in hurricane aid. Actually, the damage from Hurricane Maria was only $24 Billion but they are trying to sneak in another $70 Billion to also pay off all their government debt.

Donald Trump is urging a bigger tax cut for the rich. Which shouldn’t be a problem since they are the only ones who still actually have an income to pay taxes on.

Donald Trump is urging a bigger tax cut for the rich. Well, he promised transparency and who isn’t able to see right through that one?

After allegations against Harvey Weinstein and others, Hollywood is launching an anti-sexual harassment hotline. Although they probably should have thought it out more before putting it on a 1-900 line.

Some charities fear the GOP tax plan could lead to a loss of billions of dollars in donations. To which the Republicans say the donations will still be there, but will just bypass the charities and go right to their CEOs.

New guidelines by the American Heart Association now classify half of all Americans with high blood pressure. That ought to make everyone feel more relaxed.

New guidelines by the American Heart Association now classify half of all Americans with high blood pressure. The other half will be there soon enough thanks to Donald Trump’s policies on taxes, jobs, pollution, immigration, healthcare…

The Army is lifting its ban against recruits with a history of mental illness. Mostly because they can enlist just one person but count it as many as ten depending on how many personalities they have.

A study says women are less likely to get CPR from passersby, possibly because people are afraid to touch their chests. Unless they are lucky enough to have a heart attack near Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K. or Roy Moore.

A Gallup report says well being is lower in 2017 than last year, especially for Democrats, women, low income families and minorities. Otherwise known as Donald Trump’s revenge.

Researchers say that sudden cardiac death during sex is rare. Mostly because it’s hard for most men to put that much stress on their hearts in only three minutes.

Researchers say that sudden cardiac death during sex is rare. Although it’s much more common from blunt force trauma for men who are caught by their wives.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry blasted GQ for choosing Colin Kaepernick “Citizen of the Year.” It’s just a good thing he only stuck up for victims of police violence instead of abused towing company cashiers.

Jessica Simpson says her husband proposed to her while Led Zeppelin’s “Since I’ve Been Loving You” was playing. Which came just a couple of years after first husband Nick Lachey went over the hills and far away.

Sean Penn is writing a novel called “Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff.” He just needs a literary agent, publisher and someone to sigh him up for a course in remedial English grammar.

Sean Penn is writing a novel called “Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff.” When asked what his pen name will be, he says “Yes.”

Lonzo Ball became the youngest NBA player to ever record a triple double. Which in his case means fans will pay three times the value for a pair of his Big Baller shoes.

Magic Johnson says the Lakers won’t try to change Lonzo Ball’s shooting style. They are just hoping he becomes as proficient shooting from three point range as his dad is from shooting from the lip.

Cody Bellinger of the Dodgers has been named National League Rookie of the Year. Unfortunately, his performance in the World Series was a little less like Cooperstown than it was Williamsport.

The Dodgers and Padres will play a three game series in Monterrey, Mexico in May. That way, both teams will be able to claim it as playing for a hometown crowd.

The Dodgers $244 Million team salary means they are expected to be hit with the luxury tax. What else can you expect in a sport that plays every game on a diamond?

The Dodgers $244 Million team salary means they are expected to be hit with the luxury tax. Although they may protest, as $244 Million barely qualifies someone to live a middle class lifestyle in L.A.

A study says sheep can recognize pictures of President Obama and other celebrities with great accuracy. Apparently it is very difficult to pull the wool over their eyes.

An analysis says the Senate’s tax bill will hike taxes for 13.8 Million people. Which was met by approval for those people just as long as it means they will actually have an income.

The FDA has approved the first antipsychotic drug that can track if patients are taking it. As opposed to the old way of checking to see if the medications were taken when the patient went a week without murdering anyone.

The FDA has approved the first antipsychotic drug that can track if patients are taking it. The only problem is for the drugs to remember with schizophrenics which personality actually took the pill.

A report says Roy Moore signed the high school yearbook of one of his accusers. The smoking gun in that case will be when someone finds the receipt for his renting a powder blue tuxedo around prom time.

A report says Roy Moore signed the high school yearbook of one of his accusers. The worst part is he signed it “Do you like me? Check the box saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

Alabama residents say Roy Moore’s pursuit of teenage girls was “common knowledge.” To which most people in Alabama say that won’t change their opinion of him as long as he wasn’t after them to play with their dolls.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I don’t understand all this craziness of middle-aged men chasing teenage girls. I gave up on teenage girls when I couldn’t get any when I was a teenager. Now I just prefer being turned down by middle-aged women who won’t have anything to do with me. I like to keep things simple and easy. Just like the thing I like the most is when you all remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!



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