Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Three associates of Donald Trump have been charged in the Russian collusion investigation. How ironic that what Trump is calling a “witch hunt” would come to a head on Halloween.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort is facing 80 years in prison in the Russian collusion investigation. The worst part is he would have been given an easier sentence under the old Soviet Gulag system.

Former Trump adviser George Papadopoulos, who pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI was reportedly shopping a book deal three weeks ago. He had no idea the only book in his future would be the one the judge was throwing at him.

Pitchers in the World Series are complaining the baseballs in the postseason are slicker than usual. It’s the biggest scandal involving the word “slick” since Bill Clinton was President.

A report says the U.S. savings rate is at a ten year low. People are finally figuring out they had better spend it while they still have it.

A report says the U.S. savings rate is at a ten year low. Mostly because it’s hard to put something away when your government is setting the example of going $20 Trillion in debt.

A porn star says sex robots will “change human interaction forever.” To which people who have had a smartphone for the past five years are asking “What human interaction?”

A porn star says sex robots will “change human interaction forever.” Especially in making porn movies where actors are paid to give a stiff performance.

A report says Michael Jackson is the top earning dead celebrity with $75 Million last year. Mostly because ever since he died his estate doesn’t have to pay any lawyer fees or settlements in juvenile court.

A report says meth was found in trick-or-treat bags in Wisconsin. At least someone has figured out how to keep kids from gaining weight after eating all that candy.

Simon Cowell is opening up about his battle with low blood pressure. Which is ironic after all these years of causing everyone else to be put on medication for high blood pressure.

A U.S. special ops raid ended with the capture of the alleged plotter of the Benghazi attack. Which GOP leaders were mad to find out it wasn’t actually Hillary Clinton.

A Chinese modeling agency is denying a claim one of its clients died from overwork. They said she was treated well and they just fed her three weeks ago.

Saudi Arabia says it will extract uranium to make a “self sufficient” nuclear energy program. Which ironically could lead to the development of nuclear weapons for protection the next time someone tries to invade and steal their oil.

The NCAA president says major changes are needed in college basketball to restore the public’s trust. To which most people are saying “Restore it to what?”

The NCAA president says major changes are needed in college basketball to restore the public’s trust. To which people who have followed the sport for years are saying March isn’t the only thing with a case of madness.

A 450 pound seal had to be removed from an airport runway in Alaska. Which was done by United Airlines workers who just saw it as a training exercise for the next time they have to drag an obese passenger off a plane.

The FDA is moving to axe claims that there are heart benefits to eating soy. Which immediately caused people to have coronary episodes after realizing there was no point to forcing themselves to eat soy products the past ten years.

The FDA is moving to axe claims that there are heart benefits to eating soy. Which means there could be an actual food fight at the Thanksgiving dinner table for anyone who tries to spring a tofu turkey on their guests this year.

A report says there is a snag in talks for a merger between Sprint and T-Mobile. They were told not to try to negotiate using Sprint wireless lines.

China is planning the world’s longest water tunnel to crate an oasis in the desert. Or as most people call a tunnel carrying China’s water supply, a “sewer.”

China is planning the world’s longest water tunnel to crate an oasis in the desert. Although instead of “oasis” to describe a pool of Chinese drinking water, most people would rather use the more accurate term of “toxic waste dump.”

Google’s CEO is promising to “drop everything” to fix the company’s new cheeseburger emoji. Because that way more important than any other issues, like finding out who was using them to place all those fake Russian political ads.

A report says Wall Street bonuses will rise in 2017 to more than the $138,000 average of last year. The good news is that the increase will be covered by all the cash found in those fake Wells Fargo accounts.

A report says former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort laundered $18 Million in overseas wealth on a lavish lifestyle in the U.S. Ironically his laundering could get him a gig washing bed sheets in the prison wash room.

A report says former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort laundered $18 Million in overseas wealth on a lavish lifestyle in the U.S. Ironically, all that laundering has ended up putting a real stain on this administration.

A report says former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort laundered $18 Million in overseas wealth on a lavish lifestyle in the U.S. Ironically, his laundering activities have put the Trump Administration on spin cycle.

A study says couples trying to have children should avoid pesticides on fruits and vegetables. Which surprised most people who thought they wouldn’t have to be concerned about pest control until the kids became teenagers.

A Florida man had to have a cigarette lighter he swallowed removed from his stomach. Apparently he misunderstood when his doctor told him to “eat lighter.”

A study says repeat concussions are down in high school sports. The way they could tell is that the more repeat concussions the more students repeat the 11th grade.

A study says warmer oceans could help create more powerful hurricanes. Which immediately caused authorities to tell beachgoers not to pee in the water.

A study says using acetaminophen while pregnant is tied to ADHD. Which is causing doctors to tell women to put off using the pain medication until they need it when their kids become teenagers.

Scientists say that REM sleep is important because dreams are important to people’s health. Which is ironic because the people most affected are the Dreamers who can’t sleep because they are afraid if they are found they will be deported.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted having breakfast together. It must really be love because it is the first time he was ever seen using eggs for anything other than throwing at his neighbors’ houses.

Tiger Woods has announced his latest comeback attempt will be at the Hero World Challenge in the Bahamas. In other words, he felt it would be a good time for a two day working Caribbean vacation.

A judge is set to rule on the suspension of Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. Remember the old days when judges and football players only were in the same room for their parole hearings?

A judge is set to rule on the suspension of Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. It’s just a good thing he didn’t do something really controversial, like taking a knee during the National Anthem.

Lonzo Ball is taking the blame for the Lakers poor start. Which looking at the Lakers record since 2012, he could just as easily blamed on tradition.

Lonzo Ball is taking the blame for the Lakers poor start. Although his 31% shooting percentage could be a result of trying too hard to not scuff up his $500 pair of shoes.

Lonzo Ball is taking the blame for the Lakers poor start. People were surprised. Not at his leadership, but at being able to get a word in edgewise over his dad LaVar.

A Houston fan at the World Series stole a home run ball hit by Dodger Yasiel Puig from his sister-in-law and threw it back on the field. Next time she will be more careful about slamming a door and causing his soufflé to fall.

A Houston fan at the World Series stole a home run ball hit by Dodger Yasiel Puig from his sister-in-law and threw it on the field. He had better hope she doesn’t start taking advice on how to handle your brother-in-law from Solange Knowles.

First year Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott is getting praise after the team’s 5-2 start. That’s because hitting five wins already exceeds most fans’ expectations for the entire season.

Yasiel Puig is guaranteeing there will be a Game 7 in the World Series. Let’s hope for his sake that with a $3,000 average seat price it isn’t a money back guarantee.

A report says Russian groups made 1,100 YouTube videos during the 2016 election. The sad part is that combined they didn’t get as many views as they would have with one video of a cat playing the piano.

A report says climate change is already affecting human health with the spread of disease, pollution and lower productivity. Which is no big deal since it was going to happen anyway with Donald Trump running the HHS, EPA and Labor Department.

Facebook says Russian election posts reached 126 Million Americans. Which is just sad that anything on Facebook was seen by 126 Million people.

Facebook says Russian election posts reached 126 Million Americans. The scary part is that is exactly the same number of people who voted for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

Experian says its users can ask Amazon’s Alexa questions about their credit. Mostly because anyone who has to buy stuff on Amazon doesn’t have a credit rating in the first place.

Experian says its users can ask Amazon’s Alexa questions about their credit. Mostly because customers of Equifax only have one question, how many hackers accessed their personal data and stole their identity?

Scientists have developed a computer program that can ID people who have suicidal thoughts with a brain scan. Although most people getting a brain scan only have suicidal thoughts once they receive their neurologist’s bill.

A study says spinal surgery using robots has become faster and safer than with humans. Which is no concern with the congressional discussions on health care since no members of Congress actually have a spine.

A fire destroyed early documents recording the 79 year history of Hewlett Packard. It’s just too bad company officials didn’t have access to a company that might have been able to find a way to store all those papers digitally.

A fire destroyed early documents recording the 79 year history of Hewlett Packard. Which is not that big of a deal because destroying HP’s history pretty much happened the day they hired Carly Fiorina.

A pollster for Donald Trump says that Bernie Sanders would have been able to win the presidential election. Mostly because he had the one issue people who voted for Trump were looking for in an opponent. Not being Hillary Clinton.

A pollster for Donald Trump says that Bernie Sanders would have been able to win the presidential election. Just like Hillary Clinton did, only apparently he means also the electoral vote.

The FBI says it will release all of the JFK assassination files. Which is good news for the GOP which will be pouring over the documents to see if there is some way they can connect the crime to Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I don’t know how much more of this World Series I can take. Well, actually that isn’t true. I can take two more games, as long as the Dodgers win both. Game 5 was unbelievable and would have been one of the greatest, at least with a different ending. The Boys in Blue need to win tonight and again on Wednesday and I will be one happy fan. Hard to believe, but even happier than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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