Sunday, October 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The OMB says the top 20% of wage earners pay 95% of income taxes. Which is only fair since they are making 95% of the income.

The OMB says the top 20% of wage earners pay 95% of income taxes. Which is why Congress is working to reform taxes so they can be like the top 1% and also pay zero percent of the taxes.

David Gergen says the Russian investigation “dam is about to break” for the GOP. Which is causing problems for Donald Trump’s Interior Department and EPA as they only look the other way when real dams break.

A report says the Defense Department is planning national blackout drills in case of grid collapse. Which is not to be confused with the national blackout caused by all the drinking done after the November elections.

Simon Cowell is out of the hospital following a concussion after falling down some stairs. Apparently it all happened after he got into Paula Abdul’s stash.

Simon Cowell is out of the hospital following a concussion after falling down some stairs while getting some warm milk to help him fall asleep. Apparently someone left the railing down on his crib and forgot to give him his binky.

Simon Cowell is out of the hospital following a concussion after falling down some stairs while getting some warm milk to help him fall asleep. Who knew that under that tight form-fitting black shirt is a pair of Huggies?

JFK assassination documents show that J. Edgar Hoover said the public must believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. Which he felt was possible because they also had no idea that a 70 year old bald bureaucrat could also rock a cocktail dress.

Jeff Bezos is the world’s richest person, worthy $90 Billion. He has reached his goal of having enough money that he never has to stoop to buy anything sold on Amazon.

A report says some of the JFK files have not been released in order to protect current members of the CIA. Which may explain our intelligence issues could be the result of agencies using workers who have been on the job nearly 60 years.

A UK official has apologized for remarks made about Harvey Weinstein. Which means everyone is apologizing about Harvey Weinstein except Harvey Weinstein.

Icelanders have voted for the third time in four years because of a political crisis. Which threw a scare into Trump Administration officials saying “They can do that?”

Icelanders have voted for the third time in four years because of a political crisis. And also as a social event because what else is there to do in Iceland?

Paul Newman’s watch sold at an auction for $18 Million. To which most people under thirty were asking “Who’s Paul Newman?” and “What’s a watch?”

People in Rwanda face public shaming and even jail for using plastic grocery bags. It’s just good to see that hunger, political unrest and genocide are no longer the country’s top problems.

People in Rwanda face public shaming and even jail for using plastic grocery bags. Mostly out of jealousy for anyone there who actually can afford any groceries.

James Mattis is warning North Korea will face “massive military response” if they use nuclear weapons. Which is like telling someone “I’ll punch you if you shoot me!”

A report says Donald Trump is frustrated with attempts to keep JFK assassination files secret. It’s not like they are something that needs to be kept from the eyes of the public, like Trump’s tax returns.

A report says Donald Trump is frustrated with attempts to keep JFK assassination files secret. Except the part that shows his popularity numbers tripled Trump’s.

Southwest Airlines is bringing live music concerts to some flights. The bad part is having to sit next to the drunk person who keeps yelling out “Free Bird!”

Southwest Airlines is bringing live music concerts to some flights. The good news is there won’t be any idiots holding up cigarette lighters during the show as the TSA already took them away at the gate.

President Obama was called for jury duty in Illinois. How sad is it when you go from being the most powerful person in the free world to not being able to get the county clerk to rip up your summons?

President Obama was called for jury duty in Illinois. How ironic would that be if he were called to be on the jury for the indictments coming from Robert Mueller?

Nepal has enacted a law to punish religious proselytizing with prison. The Jehovah’s Witnesses must have picked the wrong door to knock on at 7:00 Sunday morning.

Donald Trump bragged about his intelligence to reporters reminding them he went to an Ivy League school. To show he was even smarter, he never got suckered into enrolling at Trump University.

Donald Trump bragged about his intelligence to reporters reminding them he went to an Ivy League school. Although that doesn’t mean that much seeing as how George W. Bush has two Ivy League diplomas.

Donald Trump says opioids are a public health emergency with ODs soaring among white, middle age men. Which finally explains what caused so many of them to vote for Trump.

A Pew poll says a majority of Americans get at least some news from social media. To which traditional media sources are saying “Pew!”

A Pew poll says a majority of Americans get at least some news from social media. And what better way to get information on what is going on in the world than where you can also see what people you have never met are eating for breakfast?

Uber has hired a new chief legal officer. Apparently the new hire did as much research for that job as the new social secretary for Harvey Weinstein.

Twitter says it wants to crack down on revenge porn. They want tweets about what they were intended for, insults between the President and members of Congress.

 A report says Amazon wants to enter the $560 Billion prescription drug market. Now Jeff Bezos is even going so far as to want to put the hardworking street corner drug dealers out of business.

A report says Amazon wants to enter the $560 Billion prescription drug market. What could be better than making money off the anxiety drugs going to people who need them because Amazon put their company out of business?

A report says Arizona has 100 opioid deaths every month. Whoever thought there would ever be a challenge to the state’s leading cause of death being old age?

A judge says the Flint, Michigan city council has again failed to come up with a long-term water source. To which council says “Oh, you mean one that isn’t full of lead?”

A judge says the Flint, Michigan city council has again failed to come up with a long-term water source. To which council says that shouldn’t be necessary since with all that lead in the water there won’t be any long-term residents.

A study says it’s important to get enough sleep to have REM where dreaming occurs. Mostly so people can dream that one day they will be able to get enough sleep.

Donald Trump says he wants to spend big on anti-drug ads. Or he could make it like his campaign and just get free coverage donated by CNN, Fox News and MSNBC.

Donald Trump says he wants to spend big on anti-drug ads. Like the one with the egg in the frying pan and they say “This is your brain since Donald Trump was elected.”

Donald Trump says he wants to spend big on anti-drug ads. Which will mean a windfall for stations that can sell all kinds of commercial time because of the stoners tuning in to see their friends on “Cops.”

A study says open heart surgery has better results after the morning. Mostly because by the afternoon, the heart surgeon’s hands have stopped shaking from the caffeine in their three Starbucks double mocha lattes.

A study says pot smokers have better sex lives. Which sounds about right because if you take pot, sex and add some music you end up with a Grateful Dead concert.

To fight the opioid crisis, some hospitals are cutting back on their opioid prescriptions. What crazy idea could come next, gun control to cut down on the number of shootings?

Ohio has passed a law requiring people with HIV to tell their sex partners. The way to tell they haven’t told their sex partners is when they still have any sex partners.

Ohio has passed a law requiring people with HIV to tell their sex partners. Which there would be nothing more awkward than the conversation where your partner says “Oh, yeah there’s something I forgot to mention…”

Studies show there is little evidence pot helps with PTSD or chronic pain. To which people with PTSD and chronic pain say well, it was worth a try.

Singer songwriter Teddy Geiger says he is transitioning. Or in musical terms, he is transposing to a higher key.

CBS aired “A Michael Jackson Halloween” last week. Which until now for kids the scariest thing associated with Michael Jackson was a weekend at Neverland Ranch.

CBS aired “A Michael Jackson Halloween” last week. What could be scarier for kids than the reanimation of a dead pedophile?

Officials say only 4% of Paralympics tickets have been sold for the Pyeongchang Games in South Korea. For some reason sales aren’t getting any legs. (Sorry, this is way over the top even for me but was just too funny to pass up…)

The Oklahoma City Thunder NBA team’s plane got a massive dent in the nose after colliding with possibly a bird in flight. Officials say it’s a bird, it’s a plane, or maybe the pilots just got too close under the basket trying to guard Shaq.

Derek Jeter has hired two former Yankees executives to join the Miami Marlins. How many more follow suit from New York to Miami depends on the number of 80 year olds still working in the Yankees front office.

Duke basketball players wore “Equality” shirts during warm ups at an exhibition game. Apparently it meant they were looking for the same sort of tuition loan payments after they graduate as students at state colleges.

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair has apologized for comparing his players to inmates. Apparently he became confused for a minute and thought that he owned the Cincinnati Bengals.

Astros first basemen Yuli Gurriel says he was “surprised” at the reaction to his racial gesture towards Dodgers pitcher Yu Darvish. Many people were also surprised, mostly at the fact that he was surprised at how people reacted to what he did.

Rams coach Sean McVay says he may use a play drawn up by Snoop Dogg. He knew it was from Snoop because it was diagrammed on a Zig-Zag paper.

Rams coach Sean McVay says he may use a play drawn up by Snoop Dogg. The only problem is that McVay isn’t sure if it calls for a rollout or roll-up.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says baseballs are not juiced. Apparently there are more home runs this year because the pitchers are just getting much better at hitting the bats.

Jordan Spieth says President Obama beat him at golf. But since Spieth gave him several strokes and it was match play, Obama was yet another President who won with the electoral but not popular total.

Tiger Woods has reportedly completed 50 hours of community service over his DUI arrest. Officials were surprised it didn’t take any longer to pick up all the beer cups at the 16th hole of the Waste Management Phoenix Open.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Whew, the Dodgers took it down to the wire on Saturday night in Houston to tie the World Series at two games apiece. The hitting and pitching finally both came back around so hopefully things will fall in place for game 5 which will be played after I have written this. We have the home field advantage back so that is a big turn around. Winning Saturday’s game made me feel almost as good as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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