Friday, October 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump has declared opioid addiction a public health emergency. Mostly to alert people that when they become addicted they will be on their own because he is taking away their health insurance.

A report says Hollywood is seeing its biggest horror year in history. And that’s just the actresses’ accounts of what it’s like to be in a room with Harvey Weinstein.

A study says boys who don’t laugh with others may later become psychopaths. Either that, or they just don’t find pulling someone’s finger all that funny.

A report says cable companies are losing customers but earnings are still rising. Mostly because people are happy to keep paying them just for the joy of not having to deal with all the headaches of dealing with a cable company.

Harvey Weinstein is suing his own company for various work related records. Not coincidentally, he has also reportedly bought an industrial strength paper shredder.

A study says Asia has more billionaires than the U.S. That will all change when they try to come and collect all the money they have loaned us.

A court says a Massachusetts man deserves a new trial after two jurors slept through much of the testimony. Can you blame them? It’s like trying to stay awake through three straight weeks of watching “Dateline NBC.”

A court says a Massachusetts man deserves a new trial after two jurors slept through much of the testimony. Of course, having the jurors sleep through the evidence is pretty much the reason O.J. Simpson walked in 1995.

A study says depression is tied to having a shorter lifespan. That news will sure cheer all those people up.

A report says some iPhone apps can turn on the phone’s camera at any time. Which is no big deal since most users’ already have them on for taking selfies or sexting.

Russia is denying being behind the JFK assassination in the wake of the release of new documents about the case. In the past 50 years they have been in denial almost as much as Tom Cruise.

Russia is denying being behind the JFK assassination in the wake of the release of new documents about the case. Russia claims “We don’t take out U.S. Presidents. We just put them in.”

The CEO of SoftBank says in 30 years, robots will have IQs of 10,000. To which Donald Trump is saying “Let’s take a test!”

The NFL Minneapolis Super Bowl Committee put a strip club on its vendor guide as being owned by women. Which only creates a dilemma for the men who were planning on spending their halftime watching the Lingerie Bowl.

A report says ISIS is planning a terrorist attack on Caribbean tourists. Apparently their members are tired of always carrying out Jihad in winter locations.

A report says 73,000 Puerto Ricans have fled for Florida. Mostly because after Florida was hit by Hurricane Irma, it makes them feel right at home.

The Air Force has retracted a tweet where they declared Santa Claus isn’t real. Because the military knows there really is a Santa, and he arrives right around the time of the congressional defense budget hearings.

A 10 year-old Ohio boy was caught after leading police on a second high-speed chase in two weeks. Although authorities are still wondering how he worked the pedals that fast on a Big Wheel.

A 10 year-old Ohio boy was caught after leading police on a second high-speed chase in two weeks. Police were able to spot his car as the one completely covered with advertising stickers.

A 10 year-old Ohio boy was caught after leading police on a second high-speed chase in two weeks. His parents weren’t too concerned as they are pretty sure that is the same way Richard Petty got his start.

The Navy rescued two American women who had been lost at sea for five months. Apparently it was just a practice run by the women in preparation for a trip they booked later this year with Carnival Cruise Lines.

A report says the Weinstein Company was close to getting a $35 Million loan. The bad news is it hinged on them waiting for Harvey Weinstein’s character references.

Donald Trump’s border wall prototypes were officially unveiled. They now just need to be tested to see if they are as good at keeping immigrants out as the ones at his Mar-a-Lago resort are at keeping them in.

Donald Trump’s border wall prototypes were officially unveiled. All they are waiting for is Melania to make her final picks on texture and color and it’s a go.

A fireworks factory explosion in Indonesia has killed dozens of people. The worst part was hearing the screams of panic mixed in with an occasional “Ooooh” and “Ahhhhh.”

Uber is being sued over racial and gender pay inequality by three engineers. To which the company says if they want pay equality they should all become drivers and be equally as poor as the others.

Bill O’Reilly has been dropped by his literary agency. Which is too bad as he just completed the latest book in his “Killing” series, “The Killing of My Career.”

A report says Equifax was warned that Millions of Americans’ personal data was exposed on their site. Apparently the company took no action as it’s not like any Americans had any finances to protect in the first place.

A report says one way to study the opioid crisis is to monitor Twitter. Which is ironic in that most people find they need opioids after reading the latest 3:00 AM tweets sent out by Donald Trump.

Toys R Us is offering drive-up service for online orders. Which is a good idea since everyone knows it won’t be the first time Barbie is picked up curbside.

A report says the Marlboro brand is taking a hit with the latest California cigarette tax. Which is ironic in that going broke and fearing impending doom lets the tobacco companies know how they have made their customers feel for decades.

A report says Americans plan to spend nearly $100 more on the holidays this year than last. Mostly to buy all the Christmas presents for family members they haven’t been able to afford to give them since the economy crashed in 2008.

A study says most Americans feel it is a sign of success to have a housekeeper. The sad part is the sign of a complete lack of success is having to work as a housekeeper.

A study says most Americans feel it is a sign of success to have a housekeeper. Although it isn’t quite the same being able to take the car you are living in to be detailed.

UPS estimates it will deliver 750 Million packages between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. The Post Office says it will deliver twice that many, although the problem is that about 100 Million are postmarked from 1978.

UPS estimates it will deliver 750 Million packages between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. The bad news for online retailers is that 700 Million of them will be shipped right back before New Year’s.

United Airlines is selling off pieces of its 747 fleet. Imagine the fun of being able to pretend you are flying with United after buying an airliner seat and then having your friends beat you up and drag you out of your house.

United Airlines is selling off pieces of its 747 fleet. That is, if you want to buy a seat for your home that feels like you are squeezing into your kid’s school desk.

More than half of all doctors say their patients make offensive comments about their age, gender, race or ethnicity. The other half just have to deal with the usual cracks about their lack of ability and outrageously high fees.

More than half of all doctors say their patients make offensive comments about their age, gender, race or ethnicity. They would prefer if people would refer to them the way they see themselves, as “God.”

National prescription drug take back day is set for October 28th. Which will be awkward for the people who think it means a chance to trade in their old antibiotics for some new opioids.

A study says 70% of American workers have experienced “impostor syndrome” where they feel they are not qualified to do their job. The way to tell if you are in the other 30% who really are unqualified is if you work in customer service.

A study says 70% of American workers have experienced “impostor syndrome” where they feel they are not qualified to do their job. The other 30% think that is what you have when you dress up for Halloween.

A study says 70% of American workers have experienced “impostor syndrome” where they feel they are not qualified to do their job. Which means we should be more sympathetic to the people we elect for Congress.

The College of the Ozarks in Missouri is requiring students to take a mandatory patriotism class. Where hopefully they will learn about the Missouri Compromise and how their state was allowed into the union only if they allowed slavery.

The College of the Ozarks near Branson, Missouri is requiring students to take a mandatory patriotism class. Which means going into town and buying tickets for the next Lee Greenwood concert.

Mel B says she was drugged through her entire ten year marriage to Stephen Belafonte. Which isn’t hard to believe because she must also have been drugged for all those years she was with the Spice Girls.

The start time for the World Series games in Houston has been pushed back another 20 minutes. Apparently Major League Baseball is seeing if they can make the ‘Series go all the way into December.

The L.A. Kings scored twice in 11 seconds against the Montreal Canadiens. Which gave any soccer fans in the stands their fix of goals for the next three weeks.

Fox CEO James Murdoch says NFL ratings are down because there are too many games on TV. Which most women have been saying ever since the first Sunday game ever televised.

Fox CEO James Murdoch says NFL ratings are down because there are too many games on TV. If that’s the case, when will the ratings start slipping for “The Kardashians”?

Fox CEO James Murdoch says NFL ratings are down because there are too many games on TV. Just like their News Channel took a hit because they had too many sexual predators on TV.

Fox CEO James Murdoch says NFL ratings are down because there are too many games on TV. That’s like saying a strip club will have to shut down if they have too many pole dancers.

Johnny Manziel has won a court battle over a property damage case. Apparently the judge felt anyone besides a Motel 6 who rented to Johnny Manziel got what they asked for.

Johnny Manziel has won a court battle over a property damage case. The sad part is the property is still in better shape than what he did to his reputation and career.

LeBron James says his last career goal is to shoot 80% from the free throw line. Which was different from Shaquille O’Neal’s free throw goal of 80% of the time hitting something other than air.

Astros pitcher Dallas Keuchel says he things the balls are “juiced 100%.” Which means even more from someone whose home field is Minute Maid Park.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is Game 3 of the World Series, which you can probably by now tell I am obsessed over. After 29 years, I would hate to have the Dodgers go home without the championship. Although at least they are somewhat well compensated for their efforts either way so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about them. I will be watching tonight, and on the weekend and hopefully I will have some good news for Monday. But it’s always good news when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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