Thursday, October 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Music legend Fats Domino has died at age 89. Ironically, the cause of death was being too fat from Domino’s pizza.

A U.S. bishop has published an English language translation of exorcism rituals. Most people were surprised to see that it starts out with “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe.”

Regal Cinemas may start charging less for flops and more for hits. Which means when the next Adam Sandler film comes out the marquee will say “Free Admission!”

Dana Carvey says he is worried that “Trump Fatigue” on “Saturday Night Live.” The good news is the staff is saved a lot of work as Donald Trump pretty much already does all the writing for them.

Donald Trump has declined to say whether he will visit the Demilitarized Zone when he visits Korea. Mostly because as far as he is concerned there will soon be no part of North Korea that is exempt from military action.

A study says some baby foods have tested positive for arsenic and lead. Mostly as a precaution to immunize children from the effects of living under the Trump EPA.

A study says daydreamers are smarter than other people. Mostly because they have figured out how to get other people to do their work so they can spend all their time daydreaming.

A charred home in San Francisco is selling it for $800,000. Which means the home got burned right before the new owner.

Scientists are worried that a Canary Islands volcano could erupt. Fortunately they will be able to get information because Canary Island residents are always tweeting.

A study says oysters can hear. Apparently scientists say they saw them listening to the ocean with a conch shell.

House Speaker Paul Ryan says Dreamers will be part of a year-end spending deal. Dreamers being anyone who actually believes that story.

Kent State University is considering whether saying “You need Jesus” is hate speech. Which will be coming from a college that still hasn’t said the same thing about “Ready, aim, fire!”

A federal review says the Alabama child welfare system has denied services to people who don’t speak proficient English. Which in that case means the department can pretty much exist on a budget of zero.

Fiona the baby hippo photobombed a couple’s marriage proposal at the Cincinnati Zoo. His fiancée agreed to the shoot because the giraffes made her butt look big.

Fiona the baby hippo photobombed a couple’s marriage proposal at the Cincinnati Zoo. Mostly because all the other animals in the Cincinnati Zoo are anywhere to be found when someone mentions the word “shoot.”

Thailand is preparing for their king’s $90 Million cremation ceremony following the ruler’s death a year ago. $89 Million of that expense was to cover the cost for the past twelve months of air fresheners.

Thailand is preparing for their king’s $90 Million cremation ceremony following the ruler’s death a year ago. Which after a year of drying out, when it comes to lighting the blaze he will serve as the kindling.

Support for legalizing pot is up to 51% of Republicans. Which means even the GOP realizes the only way to get through the term is by being stoned out of their minds.

Britain has an evacuation plan in place for the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea. Which should be pretty easy since it’s not like they have to gather up any medals to take with them when they make their escape.

Britain has an evacuation plan in place for the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. Which could be a waste of planning since it’s been a year since Brexit and they can’t get out of the EU.

The NAACP is warning African-Americans about flying on American Airlines. Which shows the airlines have finally succeeded in racial equality as they treat blacks just as poorly as whites, Hispanics, Asians…

Sears is bringing back its iconic catalog in time for Christmas. The idea is to give customers more convenience, a wider choice and because all but three of their stores have been shut down.

A study says the number of Americans owning bonds has fallen to 1%. Especially in areas like Detroit where most people are instead putting their money into bail bonds.

Fox Sports’ World Series coverage includes 41 cameras and 121 microphones. Unfortunately, they are using one of each to put in front of Joe Buck.

Fox Sports’ World Series coverage includes 41 cameras and 121 microphones. Which at Dodger Stadium gives them the freedom to have one camera in the booth, one on the field and the other 39 trained on all the celebrities in the stands.

The University of Wisconsin is considering suspending admissions into its MBA program as it reviews its business strategy. Which may be solved by just having the students in the program now be given that assignment for extra credit.

Tech guru Robert Scoble is denying charges of sexual harassment against him, saying it didn’t happen since he had no actual power over the women. In other words, he could only be convicted of being a dirt-bag scum-ball.

Uber’s new credit card is targeted for Millennials. Meaning it was designed for people who won’t come close to the monthly maximum limit of $24.

IBM is doubling the amount of time off for new parents. Mostly in order to accommodate Watson after the announcement he will soon be the proud papa of a new Xbox.

Donald Trump is against a massive California water project. Mostly because the only aquatic proposal he is interested in for California is waterboarding Jerry Brown.

Clocks made by visually impaired workers in Chicago will be sold by Target. They come with several alarm options for when setting the clock to wake up at 74 minutes after 18 O’clock.

A study says eating alone may be bad for people. Especially when they are the only ones at the table but are eating the entire meal they cooked for four.

A study says nearly half of all American children have faced at least one traumatic episode. No one had any idea that many kids had served as Catholic altar boys.

New York State has banned vaping in the workplace. Mostly as the smoke from e-cigarettes in the bathroom can bother other workers who are shooting up heroin in the next stall.

“The Kardashians” has been renewed through 2020. Which explains why all the Kardashian women are busy getting pregnant now so they have new material to get through the next couple of years.

Justin Bieber reportedly visited former girlfriend Selena Gomez at her California home. It was supposedly not romantic, he was just debating whether he should cover her house with toilet paper or if it was more suited to egging.

Vin Scully threw out the first pitch at Game Two of the World Series in L.A. Although when fans saw a 90 year-old left hander heading for the mound, they thought the Dodgers had made a last minute trade for Jamie Moyer.

A survey says most Americans don’t believe teams should make athletes stand for the National Anthem. Mostly because we have so many foreigners in the U.S., they aren’t even sure any more which National Anthem is ours.

A female high school golfer in Massachusetts had the lowest score in a boys’ tournament but was not given the trophy. Apparently organizers at the country club wanted to teach her that a successful woman doesn’t win a trophy, she becomes one.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says marijuana probably should be allowed by the league. The only problem will be adjusting the shot clock from 24 seconds to seven and a half minutes.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says marijuana probably should be allowed by the league. Although no action will even be taken until they threaten owners with banning scotch on the rocks and martinis.

The Boston Red Sox are considering dugout style seating at Fenway Park. Archaeologists will head the project just in case they find Paul Revere’s lost notes on giving pitching signs, where the catcher calls one if by fastball, two if by curve.

John Kelly is being quoted as saying he would admit “between zero and one” refugees a year into the U.S. To which Donald Trump is saying he agrees, and has just the chainsaw to achieve that.

A proposed policy to allow police to fire warning shots is causing widespread disagreement. Especially when they shoot a suspect nine times and say the first eight were the warning.

Democrats have introduced a bill preventing Donald Trump from making a preemptive strike on North Korea without congressional approval. Which if it passes means the first nuclear warhead could be aimed at Capitol Hill. 

Donald Trump has reportedly delayed declaring an opioid emergency for yet another week. What is he doing, smoking weed?

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly is getting higher ratings than Donald Trump. However, the bad news is he is still behind syphilis, malaria and the entire Kardashian family.

Joe Biden says he has “decided he is not going to decide not to run” in 2020. Which shows the former Vice President still says exactly what he means.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What a game last night. Too bad my Dodgers lost but they gave up a two run lead after 7 innings and went two behind in the 10th but came back and then gave up two more in the 11th and could only get one back. Well, you can’t win ‘em all. But you hate to see them throw away one that was in the bag. That’s OK, we head to Houston and try to sweep there. I am always behind my team and that is one thing that will never change. I hope you have the same dedication when you remember to always keep on sending the love!

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