Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The EPA is beefing up security for chief Scott Pruitt because of recent threats. That’s not necessary because if anything is going to get him it will be all the toxins his agency is being allowed to dump into the environment.

Bill O’Reilly is disputing a New York Times report he paid $32 Million in a sexual harassment settlement. If he paid that much money over something he claims he is not guilty of, he is soon going to be swamped with e-mails from Nigerian princes.

Bill O’Reilly is disputing a New York Times report he paid $32 Million in a sexual harassment settlement. Suspicions should have been raised when someone making $25 Million a year lived in a subsidized apartment and rode the bus to work.

Bill O’Reilly says he is “Mad at God” for the sexual misconduct allegations he has faced in recent months. People were surprised to find out he now describes himself as “self-loathing.”

Director Paul Haggis who left California for New York, says Hollywood is lagging behind creatively. Just wait until Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers come up with his defense strategy.

A report says the environmental disaster movie “Geostorm” could lose $100 Million. Who needs a movie about the consequences of global warming when people can just tune in to the Weather Channel?

A report says the environmental disaster movie “Geostorm” could lose $100 Million. It could have gotten much more interest if the title had been changed to “EPA”: The Movie.”

A report says more professionals are getting stoned on pot while at work. Mostly after finding it just too hard to find their way back to the office after the traditional three martini lunch.

A report says more professionals are getting stoned on pot while at work. Which finally explains why people are working more hours but not getting anything done.

A report says robotic surgeries operated by doctors using joysticks, pedals and 3D monitors have a 20% post-surgery complication rate. Apparently young doctors raised on video games figure if they play long enough they get a replay.

A study says Americans are retiring later, dying sooner and getting sicker in between. Which means Washington, D.C. has finally come up with a plan to handle the growing expenses of Social Security and Medicare.

A legislator in Maryland is proposing a return to the death penalty using heroin and fentanyl. Which for drug dealers on death row would bring a whole new meaning to the term “double jeopardy.”

A legislator in Maryland is proposing a return to the death penalty using heroin and fentanyl. That way the whole process can be done in-house while cutting out the middle man.

Tonight’s Game One of the World Series could be the hottest ever with temperatures over 100 degrees. It will be so hot, to escape the heat Dodger fans will instead arrive in the 4th inning and leave after the 5th.

Texas Representative Frederica Wilson says she wants an apology from John Kelly for “character assassination.” How bad is it when a member of Congress says the name calling has gone too far?

A sex robot inventor says he will soon have a child with his creation. Apparently the couple is already pregnant and is awaiting the birth of a little Roomba.

The Air Force says it will put its nuclear bombers on 24 hour ready alert for the first time since the end of the Cold War. Which people are happy with knowing that when Donald Trump starts his nuclear war we will at least have a 24 hour notice.

A report says North Korea is secretly making bio weapons. Which is highly suspicious considering Kim Jong-un doesn’t do much of anything secretly.

A report says North Korea is secretly making bio weapons. Or as people in North Korea know that, their drinking water supply.

Reports say stadiums were nearly empty for the Jets-Dolphins and Browns-Titans NFL games, possibly as a backlash to protests over the National Anthem. Although it could also be the Jets playing the Dolphins and the Browns playing the Titans.

The FBI has revealed there was a plot to bomb a South Florida mall. Which means if that attack was carried out, as many as three mall shoppers may have been injured.

A survey says 7 in 10 seniors are targeted for fraud. The other three have not yet signed up for Medicare.

A report says James Comey could run for President in 2020. Who better for the Republicans than the person who singlehandedly took Hillary Clinton out in 2016?

A fake neurosurgeon in Canada was fined $300,000 for a botched knee procedure. The first clue he wasn’t a real neurosurgeon was the fact he was working on someone’s knee.

A movie about sexual harassment at Uber is in the works. Although there could be some real box office competition for similar movies about Harvey Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, Roger Ailes, Donald Trump…

A movie about sexual harassment at Uber is in the works. The only problem will be finding a producer and director who haven’t been fired yet for sexual harassment.

A French couple was reported to authorities for naming their child “Jihad.” Apparently they just didn’t like the way “Serial Bomber,” Terrorist” or “ISIS, Jr.” rolled off the tongue.

Donald Trump blasted NFL players for “total disrespect” for not standing during the National Anthem. He says there is a time and place to be disrespectful, like when sending out Twitter rants at 3:00 in the morning.

A college student in Ohio has admitted killing his roommate during an argument about fast food. Apparently he just didn’t want to wait and just see the roommate die from four years of eating fast food.

A college student in Ohio has admitted killing his roommate during an argument about fast food. The worst part is he will have to figure out how to pay off his college loans from prison using candy bars and cigarettes.

A study says New York City could see bad flooding every five years from global warming. The good news is that will save the mob time from not having to drive all the way to the Hudson River to dump bodies.

Former Manson Family member Dianne Lake says she slept with Charles Manson when she was 14. Now who would have thought that Manson could also be capable of being a pedophile?

Former Manson Family member Dianne Lake says she slept with Charles Manson when she was 14, saying he was “cute.” Because what could be more cute than a mass murderer walking around with a Swastika carved into his forehead? 

 A scarecrow resembling Donald Trump at a California elementary school caused controversy. It was then discovered it was just mistaken for Trump because the kids used too much straw when they made its hairstyle.

A Canadian man was fined for singing the song “Everybody Dance Now” too loudly. In the case of Justin Bieber songs, that means anything slightly above a whisper.

A Canadian man was fined for singing the song “Everybody Dance Now” too loudly. Although court records show he was officially convicted of living in 1990.

Donald Trump says he won’t drop the 401(k) maximum contribution to $2,400 a year. Although most people don’t really care since there is no way they could come up with $2,400 in the first place.

Donald Trump says he won’t drop the 401(k) maximum contribution to $2,400 a year. Which is no big deal since most people wish they had $2,400 for their income.

A study says high nicotine levels in tobacco for vaping could hook young users on cigarettes. To which young people are saying “You can vape with tobacco?”

A solar energy company is making a $1 Billion investment on development in Oregon. If that works out, their next project will be putting another billion into a hydro-power plant in the Mojave Desert.

A solar energy company is making a $1 Billion investment on development in Oregon. Which will work out to about $500 Million a Kilowatt a year as long as they get their usual three days of sunshine.

McDonald’s and Chipotle will make it easier to order ahead using Apple Pay. Even better is that users will also be able to use it to pay for their ambulance and ER bills.

Target says customers are asking for the end to Christmas creep. That means the store will stop putting up any Christmas displays until at least after St. Patrick’s Day.

Chris Christie is denying he said Donald Trump’s presidency was over if he doesn’t recognize the seriousness of the opioid crisis. Or the environment, or jobs, or foreign policy, or immigration, or taxes…

A study says losing weight can save people $30,000. Mostly the $30,000 they spend every year eating at McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Domino’s.

The WHO has removed Zimbabwe leader Robert Mugabe as good-will ambassador. That could make it even tougher now for Kim Jong-un in his quest to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Woody Allen’s upcoming movie will reportedly feature a scene with an adult having sex with a teenager. No one had any idea it was going to be a bio-pic.

There is speculation that Justin Timberlake may invite Janet Jackson to perform with him during the upcoming Super Bowl Halftime Show. Not to say she is getting older, but the only danger of another nipple-slip is if she shows up in a belly shirt.

Steph Curry has been fined $50,000 for throwing a mouthpiece during a game. Ironically, it would cost twice that much to fight it by going to court and having to hire a mouthpiece.

The NCAA College Basketball Committee met for the first time to try to fix the sport. The one thing all the members agreed on was trying to find a way to keep LaVar Ball away from any of the games.

Browns offensive lineman Joe Thomas is out for the season with a torn tricep and says he is not sure about his career. Meaning once he leaves the Browns, he may actually have a chance to have one.

1986 World Series MVP Ray Knight was arrested following a fight with another man. Apparently it has taken Bill Buckner 31 years to find out where Knight lives.

The Phoenix Suns have fired head coach Earl Watson after three games. If that is the new standard, the 76ers could be looking at 27 coaching changes every year.

Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse, who is married says it was someone else who signed him up on a number of dating sites. Although it did seem a little suspicious when he tried to vote on a Senate measure by swiping right.

Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse, who is married says it was someone else who signed him up on a number of dating sites. The worst part is now being known around Capitol Hill as “Senator Sassy.”


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, tonight the Dodgers play their first World Series game in 29 years. I was at the first game for that ‘Series and wish I could be at Chavez Ravine for this one. Just kind of tough to make that 2,500 mile drive on short notice. Although I don’t think I could top what happened last time with Kirk Gibson’s historic home run. I just hope the Dodgers can hold it together and take four quick ones and get it over. If that happens, I will be a happy man for quite a long time. Which is the only thing I can think of that is better than when you all remember to keep on always sending the love!


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