Friday, October 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

NFL ratings have taken a hit this season, down 7.5% from last year. It looks like the owners are finally taking a knee, only with them it is right to the groin.

A Georgia woman is facing jail time after not being able to pay for her husband’s cremation. Which wouldn’t be an issue if not for the fact that he is still alive.

Astronomers say sky conditions are right for being able to see Uranus. Which means you really need to pull your pants up higher. (Old, juvenile and predictable, but still always funny!)

The FDA chief says menthol and other tobacco flavorings can do “both harm and good.” Meaning the toxins in the additives can kill smokers before their cigarettes give them lung cancer.

A study suggests that dogs alter their facial expressions to manipulate people’s emotions. They can make sad faces, puppy eyes or in the case of a pit bull wanting your steak, bare their teeth to let you know they can rip your arms right off.

Hugh Hefner’s picture will be featured on the cover of an upcoming Playboy magazine. Let’s just pray it was taken with all his clothes on.

The world’s first sex doll brothel has opened in Germany. Some of the mannequins will soon come covered in papier mache as well as latex meaning customers will be asked up front if they prefer paper or plastic.

A 70 year old English woman says she keeps her youthful looks by rubbing urine on her face. The only question now is whether she is listed on that dossier as ever dating Donald Trump.

The 30th anniversary of the Black Monday market crash has experts asking if it could happen again. To which most hedge fund managers are saying just give them enough time and they’ll see what they can do.

China has come up with a 30-year plan to rule the world. As opposed to the four-year U.S. plan voters devised in November to pretty much give it to them.

A report says North Korean military officials watch MSNBC. Mostly because it’s the only channel they can be pretty sure they will never see have any guest appearances by Donald Trump.

A sketch comedy group made up of BYU students performs using no vulgarities. It makes for perfect family viewing for men along with their five wives.

A $1,000 bagel is being offered by a New York City restaurant. At that price you can bet it doesn’t come served with cream cheese and lox.

A study says Tinder reinforces ancient mating habits. Apparently cavemen used to approach women by using a club to swipe right against their head.

A study says Tinder reinforces ancient mating habits. Which just like prehistoric times is why men like naked pictures decorating the walls of there man-caves.

An inmate in Pennsylvania is suing a jail after he was given a pill that resulted in a 91-hour erection. Or as having an erection for 91 hours is called in prison, “solitary confinement.”

An inmate in Pennsylvania is suing a jail after he was given a pill that resulted in a 91-hour erection. Which having an erection for 91 hours is pretty much the prison equivalent of Tinder.

NOAA has released its long-range winter forecast. Which since Donald Trump became President now includes the odds for a full-scale nuclear winter.

Donald Trump is rating the hurricane response in Puerto Rico as a 10. To which the people there agree with, although in their opinion it was on a scale of 1-100.

Donald Trump is rating the hurricane response in Puerto Rico as a 10. Not only that, he is claiming a 100% completion rate on all those paper towel rolls he threw.

Donald Trump is calling the storm that hit Puerto Rico “worse than Katrina.” As opposed to when the hurricane first went through and he said they were lucky it wasn’t “a real catastrophe like Katrina.”

George W. Bush gave a speech where he blasted Donald Trump without mentioning his name. How bad is it to be called out as incompetent by the guy who started the TSA?

Prosecutors in Sao Paulo, Brazil are looking into the mayor’s plan to serve schoolchildren meals made of pellets containing reprocessed foods. What’s the big deal? In the U.S. we let our kids do the same thing all the time at Taco Bell.

The top tier at the Rome Colosseum will soon be open to the public. Tickets are $20 each or they can be picked up with the additional service charge for $475 through Ticketmaster.

The top tier at the Rome Colosseum will soon be open to the public. NFL owners can hardly wait to visit so they can see the place where competitors who took a knee during the national anthem were sent into the ring to fight to the death.

A former Surgeon General says loneliness is becoming an epidemic. Which most people will be shocked to learn when they read it in the news reports that they see on their cellphone that their eyes are glued to 20 hours a day.

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. To which Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are saying “You never let us have any fun.”

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. To which everyone else is saying, “OK. You first!”

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. Which everyone else says they will get right on it when he finishes cleaning up that whole mess at Chernobyl.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. No one had any idea that Gloria Allred had received a license to practice in Portugal.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. Which more people would be sympathetic about if there weren’t so many other issues in Portugal besides global warming.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. Apparently Portuguese kids are taking it to the courts after seeing that they have pretty much milked out the whole Fatima thing.

A study says 3 Million Americans carry a loaded handgun every day. The other 297 Million still prefer their Uzi, AK-47 and AR-15s.

A study says 3 Million Americans carry a loaded handgun every day. Mostly because gun owners have a word for a handgun that isn’t loaded. “Paperweight.”

United Airlines stocks fell after the CEO asked investors to have patience. Which is no surprise as that is exactly the same thing they tell their passengers after they have been sitting in a plane that hasn’t moved off the tarmac for three hours.

The CEO of United Airlines told investors the company has dug itself into a “competitive hole.” The only other time they have to dig holes is to bury passengers who have to be dragged off the planes.

A Georgia onion farmer has been ordered to pay $1.4 Million to workers in an overtime lawsuit. Which shows that if you work around onions long enough, at some point you will be brought to tears.

A survey says half of all tech workers are worried about losing their jobs because of ageism. The other half figures they have a few years to go since they are still under 25.

A report says mass electric vehicle adoption could drop oil to $10 a barrel. The only problem with plentiful, cheap oil around why will we still even need our military?

A report says mass electric vehicle adoption could drop oil to $10 a barrel. The best part of that will be seeing all those oil company executives seeing $10 not only the price of oil but also their new hourly wage.

A report says student debt can delay home ownership by as much as seven years. Mostly because that is still the minimum time to wait to qualify for credit again after declaring bankruptcy.

A report says the U.S. is lagging behind China in spotting cyberthreats. Mostly because it is a lot easier to catch hackers when they only have five websites they can try to breach.

A report says the U.S. is lagging behind China in spotting cyberthreats. Mostly because in the U.S. hackers who are caught become security advisers while in China the government hacks them, mostly with their heads.

A study says older adults who walk six hours a week have a lower risk of dying. Except the ones who are out walking around aimlessly for six hours trying to remember how to get to the corner supermarket.

A study says 1 in 5 young women who tan indoors become addicted. Not to the tanning but to having to constantly use leather conditioner on their skin.

A study says 1 in 5 young women who tan indoors become addicted. The other 4 have no idea that another way to get tan is by actually getting off the couch and going outside in the sunlight.

A study says 42% of kids 8 and younger have their own tablets. The other 58% don’t need one because they are busy enough with their iPhone, VR headset and Xbox.

Cher and Meryl Streep are teaming up for a sequel to “Mama Mia.” Apparently this one will be about a mysterious disappearance and will be called “Mama M.I.A.”

Blac Chyna is suing the Kardashian family for “slut shaming” her. The Kardashians’ defense is that they would never be able to find it in themselves to find any shame in being a slut.

Nike has created a one-of-a-kind pair of shoes for the Patriots made from footballs used in Super Bowl LI. The only problem is that since Tom Brady handled the footballs, they only fit people who have flat feet.

NFL referees are fighting back against claims of biased officiating. They say they can prove with game films that their calls are equally bad no matter who is playing.

Ariana Huffington has created an app that disconnects people from the Internet and says they can’t be reached. Pretty much like what has happened with the Huffington Post.

A bomb-sniffing dog has been dropped by the CIA because it is no longer interested in the task. Apparently the dog feels that sniffing should be meant for where it was intended, mostly all the other dogs’ butts.

A bomb-sniffing dog has been dropped by the CIA because it is no longer interested in the task. Not only that, the Agency was becoming suspicious the dog may have been behind a recent series of leaks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, for the first time in 29 years the Dodgers are in the World Series. Hopefully, they can come up with the same results they saw in 1988 which was one of the greatest ‘Series ever. I was at the game where Kirk Gibson hit the most amazing walk-off home run in history. It doesn’t seem like that long ago. 27 years, max. The only question left is who will they be playing, the Astros or Yankees? I sort of hope it’s the Yanks, because of their great history over the years. I don’t really care as long as they win. So think of the Dodgers and me and how long I have waited for this when you all remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!

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