Thursday, October 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study by a University of Illinois professor says mass murders are not on the rise. Mostly because like potato chips, people have always found it hard to stop after just one killing.

A study by a University of Illinois professor says mass murders are not on the rise. Which means the professor is more than likely a season ticket holder with the Bears.

A study by a University of Illinois professor says mass murders are not on the rise. In fact, in Chicago they love killing so much they mark the anniversary of a massacre every Valentine’s Day.

California is going through an earthquake drill this week in preparation of the event of a 7 magnitude quake. Which will be followed next week with the simulation of an 8 magnitude quake and the week after that with a 9.

A Pennsylvania woman turning 112 says the secret of her longevity is not drinking any coffee. Mostly because when she does, it keeps her awake as much as three hours out of the day.

A survey says 74% of young adults would rather communicate digitally. So do the older adults, although when they do that they are referring to showing someone their middle finger.

 A survey says 74% of young adults would rather communicate digitally. The other 26% are just worried anytime they get a text that it may be from Anthony Weiner.

Quebec lawmakers have made it illegal for people wearing masks to receive state services. Which means government workers won’t be handing out much candy this Halloween.

Quebec lawmakers have made it illegal for people wearing masks to receive state services. Which is mostly going to result in a lot of frostbite for anyone who needs assistance in a city where the entire winter is at least 30 below zero.

A study says intelligent people are more at risk of mental illness. Which proves Donald Trump’s claims that he has a higher IQ than Rex Tillerson.

Eight people were killed in a fireworks factory blast in India. The workers were recently complaining about working for a boss with a short fuse.

The Fed says the economy is advancing despite “widespread labor tightening. Although the only labor tightening most workers see is when they go to the bank to cash their paycheck.

Roger Goodell says that players, coaches and owners should stand for the National Anthem. Except for the owners who won’t take a knee because they don’t want to get any mud on their $5,000 Armani suit.

Roger Goodell says that players, coaches and owners should stand for the National Anthem. Although owners are excused if they can’t stand because they are in their private box with a cheerleader sitting on their lap.

A Canadian man is suing Sunwing airlines because they served sparkling wine instead of Champagne as advertised. He’s just lucky that an airline like Sunwing didn’t just put some grape juice in a glass with an Alka-Seltzer.

Nikki Haley says the UN Security Council should adopt Donald Trump’s approach to Iran. If they do, the only question is when does everyone start dropping the bombs?

Rex Tillerson has laid out a significant portion of the Trump Administration’s Asia strategy. Now all he has to do is try to explain it to Donald Trump.

Rex Tillerson told India the U.S. wants to strengthen ties with them at the same time he criticized China. The only weird part was sending India a note saying “Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

A mudslide caused extensive damage to the area in Puerto Rico where Donald Trump threw paper towels to residents. To which Trump says wouldn’t have happened if they had instead brought them Brawny.

A study says Americans are giving less to charity than they did 10 years ago. Mostly because since the 2007 mortgage crisis most homeowners have been on the receiving end of charity.

A study says yellow cars have a higher value than others. The one exception being if the car is a taxi, where Uber has dropped the value to right around zero.

Puerto Rico is going through a cash crisis, with 35% of banks still closed. The other 65% are open but being in Puerto Rico have just never had any money to start with.

Puerto Rico is going through a cash crisis, with 35% of banks still closed. Which means Donald Trump went down there with paper towels when the people were instead asking for paper money.

Puerto Rico is going through a cash crisis, with 35% of banks still closed. What’s worse is the 65% of banks that are still open are all Wells Fargo branches.

A study says that 54% of news reports about Donald Trump’s tweets are negative. The other 46% are done by Fox News Channel.

A study says that 54% of news reports about Donald Trump’s tweets are negative. Which is 46% more positive than the subject of any of the tweets.

A Trump adviser issued a paper claiming that a drop in manufacturing results in increases in abortion, infertility and spousal abuse. Just what are they making inside those factories these days?

A Trump adviser issued a paper claiming that a drop in manufacturing results in increases in abortion, infertility and spousal abuse. Which sounds like he may have confused “drop in manufacturing” with “opening the doors on all the prisons.”

Wine country business owners are worried that wildfires will keep tourists away. Especially when they realize the walnut bouquet they smell isn’t coming from their glass of Chardonnay but from the charred remains of the chair they are sitting on.

Wine country business owners are worried that wildfires will keep tourists away. Except for the California natives who know that red wine goes with wildfires and white wine is more for earthquakes.

Wells Fargo has been ordered to pay $3.4 Million in restitution to customers who lost money on complex investments. People were surprised at the news. There are people who are still doing business with Wells Fargo?

Wells Fargo has been ordered to pay $3.4 Million in restitution to customers who lost money on complex investments. Which Wells Fargo says they will promptly deposit just as soon as they can get those customers their new fake accounts.

A study says it is risky for men to receive blood donations from women who have been pregnant. But not as risky for the men who are asked to give a blood donation to a pregnant woman looking for a paternity test.

A Pennsylvania man has been sentenced to prison for beating up his girlfriend after he dreamed she was having an affair. She is just lucky he didn’t dream she was a 12-point buck deer.

A Pennsylvania man has been sentenced to prison for beating up his girlfriend after he dreamed she was having an affair. Which is ironic that he dreamed she was with another man, and now she will be dreaming the same thing.

Sports experts say technology will shape fitness in the future. The only problem is that technology is responsible for people being completely out of shape from sitting in front of a computer all day.

New apps help people keep better posture by reminding them when they are slouching or sitting incorrectly. Don’t we already have that? It’s called your mother.

Demi Lovato says her heart will always be with Wilmer Valderrama. One of Hollywood’s great mysteries is how Valderrama gets all the women without having had a steady job since 2006?

A survey says 45% of Millennials have no problem with skipping out on plans. Which is understandable when something comes along that is better than the usual plans of hanging out with friends in their parents’ basement.

68 year old Billy Joel is going to become a father for the third time. To which even Mick Jagger is saying “Slow down, grandpa!”

68 year old Billy Joel is going to become a father for the third time. Apparently he is too tired waiting for his daughter Alexa to give him a grandchild so he is just cutting out the middleman and doing it himself.

68 year old Billy Joel is going to become a father for the third time. His wife is looking forward to having the baby just as long as she has someone else besides Joel there to drive her to the hospital.

68 year old Billy Joel is going to become a father for the third time. He is looking forward to all the things they will have in common, like nap time, diapers and eating strained peas.

Oprah Winfrey says she is not running for any public office. Who wants to be demoted to being President when they are already Queen?

Division III Occidental College has canceled their football season because of a diminished roster. Although some see that as a poor excuse as it has never stopped the Cleveland Browns.

Division III Occidental College has canceled their football season because of a diminished roster. Apparently their players have been involved in a number of Occidents.

Rick Pitino has been subpoenaed in the FBI basketball fraud investigation. Which means Adidas is pretty much off the hook for any claims they damaged Pitino’s reputation until it can be proven he has any left.

Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shahid Khan says Donald Trump is “jealous” of the NFL as he has never been able to buy his own team. No one ever thought they would hear the terms “jealous of” and “Jacksonville Jaguars” in the same sentence.

Shaquille O’Neal says about protesting the National Anthem that he would do it “much bigger.” When you are the size of Shaquille O’Neal, you can’t help doing anything pretty much bigger than anyone else.

The PGA Tour is moving the Barbasol Open from Alabama to Kentucky. Which is ironic as those are the two states where nobody has bothered to shave since 1885.

IBM has ended their sponsorship with the Australian Open tennis tournament after 24 years. To which even Watson was saying “You cannot be serious!”

A study says online dating is not killing romance. Mostly because no matter how boorish men can be with dating apps, it is still better for women than working under Harvey Weinstein.

A Florida woman takes her chicken along with her while she goes paddleboarding. Mostly so in case they are attacked by a gator she knows who is going to get it first.

An astronaut on the ISS gave a demonstration on how a fidget spinner works in space. Apparently the result was it annoyed everyone else in the vicinity just like using one in full gravity.

A survey says 46% of voters think the media makes up fake news stories about Donald Trump. Which means those people are giving reporters far too much credit for having that creative of an imagination.

The Chicago Art Institute says a Renoir painting owned by Donald Trump is not real. Which will be tough for Trump to admit this time the news is real and the painting is what’s fake.  

The Chicago Art Institute says a Renoir painting owned by Donald Trump is not real. The first clue was that Renoir was not known to paint on black velvet.

The Chicago Art Institute says a Renoir painting owned by Donald Trump is not real. The first clue for the experts was seeing the numbers underneath that weren’t completely covered up by all the paint.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Going into day two of no TV at the house, courtesy of the morons at Suddenlink. The sad part is that the only dumber people on the planet are the ones running Comcast, Time Warner and Charter. Even United has a better customer service department. At least they only beat you up and throw you off the plane when you challenge them. One of these years tech will put all these idiots out of business. And then it will put all the rest of us out of business. Then we can sit around and watch TV all day that actually works. And that’s how the world should be. But all you need to do to put me in a better mood about my latest crisis is to make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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