Sunday, October 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Hillary Clinton has been in talks with Columbia University for a role as professor. Apparently the Math Department wants her to explain how you get 3 Million more votes than your opponent and still lose.

The NFL says it won’t rule to make players stand during the National Anthem. They can now take a knee or use it any other way they want until it is snapped in two during the game.

England’s chief medical officer is warning of a “post antibiotic apocalypse” from overuse. Which isn’t a problem in the U.S. now that Donald Trump is doing everything he can to prevent Americans from getting any kind of healthcare.

California has declared a State of Emergency over an outbreak of Hepatitis A. Mostly from celebrities who are trying to catch it because it sounds so much better than only getting Hepatitis C.

A British man’s heart stopped after accidentally swallowing a 6” fish. Which means that will go into some study that now claims a seafood diet is unhealthy.

Steve Mnuchin says parts of the income tax overhaul will be temporary. Like the part that assumes most Americans will still actually have an income.

A report says that Americans are fatter than ever, with 40% now obese. Which at least means we can now back it up when people start chanting “We’re Number One!”

A report says that Americans are fatter than ever, with 70% now obese or overweight. The good news is that at least we aren’t wasting as much food as before.

A report says that Americans are fatter than ever, with 70% now obese or overweight. That just means the other 30% aren’t trying hard enough.

A report says that Americans are fatter than ever, with 70% now obese or overweight. How bad is it when being healthy classifies you as a minority?

A naked man using a massage chair at a New Jersey mall punched a security guard. Apparently he didn’t understand those chairs didn’t offer the same service expected at a massage parlor.

A Florida photographer has started posting cute pictures of pit bulls to change people’s perception. So far the favorite is a pit bull that appears to be winking and smiling while holding a severed human arm in its mouth.

An Arkansas festival sparked controversy by dropping live turkeys out of an airplane. Didn’t the organizers ever watch any reruns of “WKRP in Cincinnati”?

An Arkansas festival sparked controversy by dropping live turkeys out of an airplane. They should have gone with the more traditional Arkansas custom of throwing ham hocks and grits out of the back of a moving pickup truck.

A 2-Star Army general was fired after sending flirty messages on Facebook to a soldier’s wife. The good news is now that he is out of the military, he has a new career waiting for him as a Hollywood producer.

Steve Mnuchin is calling for the World Bank to become financially self-sustaining. The best way to do that would be to take a cue from Wells Fargo and make a fortune swindling people with fake bank accounts.

Prison inmates in Texas have pooled $53,000 to help victims of Hurricane Harvey. The ironic part being most the money raised by those convicted of looting during the storm.

Prison inmates in Texas have pooled $53,000 to help victims of Hurricane Harvey. The only problem is that the donations consist of just candy bars and cigarettes.

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has vowed to end a culture of harassment and intimidation at the National Parks Service. And also that one employee who keeps getting away with stealing all kinds of pic-a-nic baskets.

Qualcomm is suing to ban iPhones from being made in China. Which in effect means they are suing to just ban all iPhones.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says they are not doing enough to restrict abusive and harassing content. Mostly because they are still too afraid to try deleting the account of Donald Trump.

A study says that companies with CEOs who mangle the English language have poor stock performance. Which means if that applies to the leader of the government, get ready for our national debt to go through the roof.

The federal government is cracking down on student loan forgiveness scams. The only problem is that shouldn’t people with a college education be able to spot those scams by themselves?

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is starting his own online university. Apparently he was inspired by the story of a many who even after starting a fake university was able to be elected President.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is starting his own online university. Mostly for people over 30 who have absolutely no chance of ever being hired by Apple.

A report says thousands of acres of legalized pot are being burned by fires in California. The problem is if firefighters inhale any of those fumes it will take them weeks before they get motivated to even think about getting back to work.

California wildfires are putting out as much pollution as in a year from cars. Which pretty much has put an end to Chrysler’s plan to develop wood burning vehicles.

An 85 year old doctor in New Hampshire could lose her license because she doesn’t use a computer needed to monitor prescriptions. To which she says what’s next, taking away her mercury sphygmomanometer?

An 85 year old doctor in New Hampshire could lose her license because she doesn’t use a computer needed to monitor prescriptions. Mostly because she says she doesn’t need a computer to keep track of the levels of her patients four humours.

Wildfires have destroyed the home of Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. All firefighters could say was “Good grief!”

A report says Harvey Weinstein is fighting to keep his job, saying there is a clause in his contract about sexual harassment judgments. The question is, didn’t someone think there might be a problem hiring someone who even asked for those terms?

Olympic bronze medalist Gracie Gold has been receiving treatment for an eating disorder. Which means bronze winner Gold needs to use the silverware more. (Yes, it is insensitive but just too irresistible to get in the gold, silver and bronze bit.)

Astros Game 1 hero Marwin Gonzalez had to leave right after the game to be with his wife as she delivered their third child. The problem is the league was hoping to go all the way through the playoffs without dealing with any labor issues.

Jets punter Lachlan Edwards says he is having a better year after fixing a bad habit. Which apparently was not getting enough rest by playing for the Jets and having to come back into the game after every three plays.

The NBA has picked a retired Air Force Lieutenant General to head their referee operations. One change fans might not get used to is after six fouls, instead of being sent to the locker room players will be court-martialed.

Greg Norman has made a “Rocky” style training montage video to announce his return to golf. It was the first time “Greg Norman” and “rocky” have been used together since his marriage to Chris Evert.

Pinterest head Tim Kendall takes a daily ice bath. It’s just too bad that Anthony Weiner didn’t try the same thing before he got onto any social media sites.

Video game enthusiasts are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Atari 2600. Which coincides with many of them marking four decades of not leaving the couch in their parents’ basement.

Microsoft employees can now work in tree houses on the company’s campus. Which is ironic in that most people growing up with video games and smartphones will finally have their first experience to see an actual tree.

Facebook has introduced a food delivery service. Which means users can now order and receive the same meals their friends post online every day.

Microsoft has enabled its digital assistant Cortana to collect and organize users’ favorite web pages. The only problem is for some people it’s embarrassing to ask a woman to look up all the best online porn sites.

Amazon Studios is cutting ties with Harvey Weinstein’s company even though the head of Amazon Studios was also suspended for sexual harassment. Apparently Weinstein crossed the line by not keeping his harassment to under 30 women.

A British official says UK mobile phone coverage is “deplorable.” And this is from a government that is satisfied with the country’s national dental plan.

A 4,000 year old bow and arrow and lunchbox were discovered in the Swiss Alps. Which is the caveman version of what would have been a high tech soldier equipped with an MRE.

A 4,000 year old bow and arrow and lunchbox were discovered in the Swiss Alps. Although if the soldier was any good at using a bow and arrow, he wouldn’t have needed a lunch box in the first place.

A 4,000 year old bow and arrow and lunchbox were discovered in the Swiss Alps. Although some scientists are skeptical as the lunchbox came with a Thermos and was decorated with pictures of Batman.

Astronomers are searching for a hypothetical “Planet 9” that could be ten times bigger than the Earth. Which brings up the question why can’t scientists find a super planet in their own backyard but can identify space dust 14 Billion light years away?

Ariana Huffington says tech addiction is more of a problem than people realize. Unfortunately for her, it didn’t seem to be an issue over at the Huffington Post.

Harvey Weinstein has been expelled from the Motion Picture Academy. Which is really embarrassing to be kicked out for his behavior by a group that still recognizes the abilities of Adam Sandler.

Steve Bannon has vowed to replace GOP Senators who have gone against Donald Trump. The problem will be finding any voters who will support candidates who are going along with Donald Trump.

Steve Bannon has vowed to replace GOP Senators who have gone against Donald Trump, saying he wants to unite the party. Which sounds like a strange strategy to unify a party by beating all their incumbents.

The acting EPA science adviser is retiring. Apparently he felt that position has about as much job security in the Trump Administration as being appointed Ambassador to North Korea.

The acting EPA science adviser is retiring. He will be replaced by someone who acts like the EPA under Donald Trump actually wants a science adviser.

Steve Bannon says Donald Trump will win with 400 electoral votes in 2020, days after he was quoted saying Trump has a 30% chance of finishing his first term. The sad part is, in this political climate that makes perfect sense.

Steve Bannon says Donald Trump will win with 400 electoral votes in 2020, days after he said Trump has a 30% chance of finishing his first term. Which shows the only fake news comes from organizations printing exactly what everyone says.

Donald Trump’s pick to lead NOAA is pushing for privatization of weather information. Which is good with Trump who doesn’t like to see numbers go public, especially when they are written on his tax returns.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As of this writing, the Dodgers won the first game in their series with the Cubs. I don’t want to jinx it by saying anything more. But then how much can you jinx a team that hasn’t even been to the ‘Series in 29 years? Although you could ask the Cubs, I guess. Anyway, I hope you all root for my team to finally hoist the championship pennant again. I can’t think of many things that would make me any happier. Almost as happy as I get when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

-->

No comments: