Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mitch McConnell vented in a speech against Donald Trump’s “excessive expectations.” Imagine the nerve of the President asking Congress to pass a couple of bills once in awhile.

Mitch McConnell vented in a speech against Donald Trump’s “excessive expectations.” It’s been very tough on McConnell now that he is in a position of having to do something other than just be obstructive.

Two psychologists who promoted the use of torture on prisoners are set to stand trial. Which they will find out themselves what torture is really like when they try to figure out how to pay all their legal bills.

David Letterman is returning to TV with a talk snow on Netflix. The show will only be a half hour but will still have as much content without the other 30 minutes being taken up by Paul Shaffer’s laughing.

Venezuela has set up a Truth Commission that will act more like a tribunal aimed at harassing opponents. Or as Donald Trump calls that, his Twitter account.

A suspect is blaming a Las Vegas casino robbery on his gambling debt. Which turns it into more of a case of simple recycling.

The Trump Administration is reportedly planning to try and privatize the war in Afghanistan. Which could finally put an end to the conflict as it’s so hard to find any contractors who actually ever show up on time.

The Trump Administration is reportedly going to privatize the war in Afghanistan, to be run by Erik Prince from Blackwater. Which is fitting as his sister is Secretary of Education who could supply him with the names of all the dropouts looking for a job we could send over there.

Spike Lee will hold a rally at NFL Headquarters to find Colin Kaepernick a job. After which Kaepernick will hold a rally in Hollywood to do the same thing for Spike Lee.

There has been a recent boom in Massachusetts for the number of beds in psychiatric hospitals. Which shows Donald Trump was serious when he said he would bring more jobs to the U.S.

A sign language speaking Orangutan that was raised as a human has died in an Atlanta zoo at age 39 from heart disease. Which means the ape also pretty much died like a human.

Donald Trump threatened North Korea with “fire and fury.” Apparently that means he is going to appoint an Ambassador to the country and it will be Anthony Scaramucci.

Sinead O’Connor has pleaded with her family for help while she is living in a New Jersey motel. Fans were shocked. How bad has her life gotten that she has resorted to living in New Jersey?

A report says North Korea has obtained miniaturized nuclear warheads. While they are nuclear weapons, it is hard to take them seriously when they are detonated by Kim Jong-un holding them in one hand and pulling a string with the other.

A man at a Massachusetts Chuck E. Cheese reportedly kicked a girl who tried to help him pick up some dropped tokens. Charges could be filed. Mostly against the girl’s parents for endangering her by taking her to a Chuck E. Cheese.

U.S. airlines have been bumping passengers at the lowest rate in two decades. Mostly because when they are asked to leave a flight on United, most passengers are now too afraid to take the chance of saying no.

Rex Tillerson says Russia’s election meddling “created a serious mistrust.” Mostly in the fact that it ended up giving us President Donald Trump.

A poll says young U.S. adults are spending less than they did in the past. Mostly the ones whose parents have finally taken all their credit cards back.

A poll says young U.S. adults are spending less than they did in the past. Mostly because people don’t like to consider using all the money they make to pay off their college loans as “spending.”

A poll says only 54% of Americans have money in the stock market. Which means 46% of Americans will still be in pretty good shape when Wall Street causes the next economic crash.

A report says 13 federal agencies say the U.S. is already feeling the negative impacts of climate change. Mostly the release of the latest documentary by Al Gore.

A report says Donald Trump is given two daily updates that show positive news reports, screen shots and praise filled stories about what a good job he is doing. Which could be done just as easily by leaving all the White House TVs on Fox News.

Cheetos will open a pop up restaurant in New York to serve dishes inspired by the snack food. The worst part will be for Secret Service agents who will have to deal with all the people walking around Manhattan who will be the exact same shade of orange as Donald Trump.

A study says women who are elite in mathematics are less likely to believe it than men. That despite the fact that men are always worse with numbers when it comes to their net worth, IQ and size.

A password expert says the best idea is to use a password made of three simple words strung together. As compared with most people who only put two words together that happen to be “pass” and “word.”

A study finds the aging U.S. workforce is bad for productivity. Which is just more bad news in Silicon Valley for anyone who has already turned 28.

A study finds the aging U.S. workforce is bad for productivity. But only because it’s tough to stay as productive when you have to stay on the job because you can’t afford to retire and you’re pushing 93.

The U.S. fertility rate is at a record low, with 61.5 births per 1,000 women. The only answer to increase the population is to set up Kevin Federline with the Octomom.

A study says playing an online video game can help diabetics control their blood sugar. At least as long as the game they are playing isn’t “Candy Crush.”

A study says playing an online video game can help diabetics control their blood sugar. The exception is for the people who became diabetic after ballooning to 350 pounds from sitting on the couch playing video games all day.

A study says a person’s Instagram account may reveal if they have depression. Mostly when they realize they don’t have a life because they spend eight hours a day posting selfies on Instagram.

A study says a person’s Instagram account may reveal if they have depression. Mostly anyone who has made the mistake of opening an Instagram picture sent by Anthony Weiner.

A study says Tai Chi helps the elderly avoid falls. Mostly because its tough stumble when you are moving around at the same speed as a tree sloth.

Scientists at Ohio State University have unveiled a possible new way of healing. Which comes just in time for fans who are still trying to recover from last year’s 31-0 loss to Clemson at the Fiesta Bowl.

Usher is being sued by three people who claim he exposed them to herpes. Which is what can happen when someone gets an Usher who is too eager to locate their seat.

A study says some video games are bad for the brain. The others are bad for the rest of the body from not getting off the couch all day playing video games.

Haruo Nakijima, the first actor to play Godzilla has died at age 88. The problem was finding a coffin for someone who stood 164 feet tall.

Haruo Nakijima, the first actor to play Godzilla has died at age 88. The good news is that after the story broke, property values in Tokyo immediately went up 485%.

Haruo Nakijima, who was the first actor to play Godzilla has died at age 88. The cause of death was electrocution, massive doses of radiation and a final death blow from Rodan.

Umpire Joe West was suspended for three games after calling Adian Beltre baseball’s biggest complainer. Which means pretty much from here on out, even a hit-by-pitch will get a strike call on Beltre from behind the plate.

Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins threw some balls to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. at the team’s training camp. Having a ball tossed by an NFL quarterback was no problem for the NASCAR driver who thinks nothing of passing at 200 mph.

Braves shortstop Johan Camargo injured his knee while taking the field. The only time an injury is more likely running out of the dugout is when the Yankees take the field in Fenway Park.

The NBA says it will change its scheduling to prevent players from taking DNP-rests. Now missing a game will only be allowed for players like Nick Young when their team gives them a DNP-suck.

Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els will both have their 100th start in a major tournament at this weeks PGA Championship. Coincidentally, Tiger Woods will be celebrating taking home his 100th Carrows waitress.

Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els will both have their 100th start in a major tournament at this weeks PGA Championship. As opposed to Tiger Woods’ most recent public appearance in the holding cell where he was singing “99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall.”

The New England Patriots are buying two Boeing 767 jets for team travel. To which Tom Brady expressed his concern to make sure the rest of the players and team officials could fit on that other jet.

The PGA Championship will be moved to May starting in 2019. Not to say that the tournament has lost some of its luster, but apparently Jack Nicklaus suggested the move as a nice warm up for the Memorial.

Dolphins head coach Adam Gase says quarterback Jay Cutler looks the same as he did the last time he saw him on the field. The good news for Cutler is that he decided to sign him anyway.

The U.S. solar energy grid is bracing for the upcoming solar eclipse event. Just like how the wind power industry always prepares for a lapse in service whenever Congress takes a recess.

Sean Spicer denies that Donald Trump insists on a propaganda document folder filled with positive news stories twice a day. The proof is that nothing like that even exists once you turn off Fox News.

Sean Spicer denies that Donald Trump insists on a propaganda document folder filled with positive news stories twice a day. Which is good to see that even after he quit as Press Secretary he still has the instincts to automatically deny everything.

Airbnb has an offer to stay at Donald Trump’s childhood home for $725 a night. People were surprised. It only costs $725 a night to rent out the entire White House?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the world of entertainment with the passing of Glen Campbell. As a guitar enthusiast, he was one of the best around even though he was never given credit for his talent on the fret board. Probably because he was also a very talented singer who had a lot of hits to his credit. He worked with the Beach Boys in their early years, had his own TV show and performed all over the world. A truly great musician who touched a lot of lives with his work, he will be missed. Give your thoughts to Glen Campbell and if you have any time left over, it would be nice if you could also remember to always keep on sending the love!


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