Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Al Gore’s new film “An Inconvenient Sequel” had a poor box office opening, finishing in 15th place. The sad part is that the movie about global warming can’t even get people into theaters for the air conditioning.

A professor at the University of Georgia is letting students pick their own grade to reduce stress. Although if he really wanted to give them some stress relief he would find some way to instead reduce their tuition.

A warrant has been issued for a couple caught having sex in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s. Apparently the woman was seen fondling his McNuggets.

A warrant has been issued for a couple caught having sex in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s. But then what woman can resist a man who takes her out to such a romantic location?

California is eyeing bigger rebates for buying electric cars. Who, unlike the cars are much more capable of being overcharged.

Amazon is offering audio books for dogs. Which for dogs that don’t have retina cones, the favorite book because of the accuracy of its descriptions is “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Amazon is offering audio books for dogs. So far the most popular selections include “A Dog’s Life,” “Cujo” and “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.”

Amazon is offering audio books for dogs. So far the book receiving the worst reviews on the critic’s list is “Old Yeller.”

Male cosmetics counters could hit department stores within the next five years, according to L’Oreal. Mostly as a direct result of Ryan Seacrest coming back to host both “Live With Kelly and Ryan” and “American Idol.”

Rapper Yung Mazi was shot dead in Atlanta after reportedly surviving ten previous shootings. Even cats were telling him he was pushing his luck.

Rapper Yung Mazi was shot dead in Atlanta after reportedly surviving ten previous shootings. Which is just a hazard when rappers go out looking for material for the next album.

A British tourist was shot after taking a wrong turn into a shantytown in Brazil. Although the real wrong turn was the left he took back in Bolivia.

North Korea says under no circumstances will it negotiate its nuclear weapons. Mostly because what else do they even have to negotiate about?

A study says atheists are thought to be amoral, even by other atheists. Especially when they make a promise and “swear to Nobody.”

A real estate tech company is replacing agents with robots. The only problem is when a house is listed that has a beautiful view of a nearby power station.

A real estate tech company is replacing agents with robots. Although it is awkward when one of the selling points of a house is the refrigerator that has a nice rear end.

Google executives responded to a ten page internal memo against the company’s efforts for diversity. Apparently he felt Google went far enough when it expanded beyond white males to also hire Asian males.

Google executives responded to a ten page internal memo against the company’s efforts for diversity. Which brings up the question for an Internet search company, where did they find this guy?

A study says emojis help software spot emotion and sarcasm in tweets. Which isn’t that difficult since most emojis in tweets are used to express emotion or sarcasm.

Severe turbulence on an American Airlines flight from Athens to Philadelphia injured ten people. Which just serves as a pre-boarding warm-up for any of the passengers who were connecting to their next flight on United.

The government will relax its rules that protect the endangered sage grouse. Which not to be confused with the White House led by a grouse who just isn’t very sage.

Bakers in California are refusing to make a pro-Trump birthday cake for a 9 year old boy. Which is a marketing mistake as the President would immediately declare them “the greatest and most incredible bakery in the history of the planet believe me.”

Bakers in California are refusing to make a pro-Trump birthday cake for a 9 year old boy. Which is probably just as well as if the boy ate the cake and became obese it would be hard to get treatment after Trump takes away his healthcare.

President Obama is calling for calm in the Kenyan presidential election. Donald Trump was surprised at the news. He just assumed it meant that Obama is actually one of the candidates.

The FedEx tracking system has experienced several recent crashes. It’s getting so bad the company is changing its slogan to “When it sort of kind of needs to be there.”

Samsung Vice Chairman Lee Jae-yong is facing a 12 year prison sentence for bribery. What’s worse is that next he was planning extortion by demanding money or threatening to send people a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

GM is selling an electric car in China for $5,300 that has a 63 inch wheel base and can go 62 miles an hour. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a golf cart.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is proposing to tax the wealthy to fix problems with the subway. Which the rich are all in favor of, especially if it keeps the kinds of people who ride the subway underground and out of their sight.

The White House is undergoing extensive renovations during Donald Trump’s 17 day vacation. And that isn’t even including the recent overhauls of James Comey, Sean Spicer and Anthony Scaramucci.

A report says consumer daily spending in the U.S. reached a nine year high in July of $109. Which out of that as much as 42 cents is spent by the average family on fruits and vegetables.

HR and leadership experts say a “Trump effect” is causing bad behavior that is ruining worker morale. Especially for bosses who feel that like with Anthony Scaramucci, ten days is plenty of time to have a job before being fired.

A study says 42.6 Million American adults suffer from chronic loneliness. Apparently that is the exact number of people who don’t have a smartphone which leaves them with absolutely no way to connect with another human.

A study says a person’s heart health in midlife may determine their risk for dementia in old age. Which is not that big of a deal because if people already have heart issues at midlife, they don’t even need to worry about making it to old age.

The Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split could be a financial nightmare according to divorce lawyers. At least for everyone but their divorce lawyers.

ABC says politics had nothing to do with their decision to cancel Tim Allen’s “Last Man Standing.” At least other than people thinking the title meant it was a program about the White House Communications staff.

Bjork has announced a new album inspired by dating site Tinder. Apparently she had more luck finding dates than she ever did wearing that Swan dress.

Amber Heard and Elon Musk have reportedly split up after a year of dating. Apparently he saw a direct correlation between the time she spent married to Johnny Depp and his ending up in bankruptcy court.

Amber Heard and Elon Musk have reportedly split up after a year of dating. Apparently she got a little nervous when he kept talking about needing “death volunteers” for his SpaceX mission to Mars.

Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones says he recently had a “touch” of lung cancer. Only someone who has lived around Keith Richards for all those years can call look at cancer as just a minor health setback.

Donald Trump has had just one press conference in his first 200 days, the fewest in 64 years. Which goes back to a time when the only media actually was the press.

Donald Trump has had just one press conference in his first 200 days, the fewest in 64 years. Probably because his administration has been too busy during that time conducting all the White House exit interviews.

Fox News has suspended Eric Bolling for sending women employees lewd texts. It just feels strange these days to see people getting fired from Fox News and the White House instead of just going back and forth between the two.

A report says Johnny Manziel says he would be interested in coaching if his playing career becomes dormant. In other words, he is interested in coaching.

A report says Johnny Manziel says he would be interested in coaching if his playing career becomes dormant. There is already some interest, mostly from teams who want to use him as an example for other players of what not to do.

The PGA Championship will allow players to wear shorts in practice rounds. Which would be a much easier rule to support if there wasn’t a lifetime exemption for the tournament for John Daly.

Johnny Manziel says Colin Kaepernick is good enough to be on an NFL roster. Although if there is anything that will keep teams from signing him more than his National Anthem protests, it’s getting a ringing endorsement from Johnny Manziel.

Johnny Manziel says Colin Kaepernick is good enough to be on an NFL roster. Which won’t be taken that seriously as Manziel thinks he is also good enough to be on an NFL roster.

Jay Cutler explains his comeback with the Dolphins, saying he doesn’t need to be in great shape to be a quarterback. In other words, thank goodness for Ben Rothlisberger.

A report says the Knicks have signed President Obama’s brother-in-law Craig Robinson to a front office executive position. It’s a pretty sure bet that his move to Manhattan won’t include looking for an apartment at Trump Tower.

Homeland Security CIO Richard Staropoli has resigned after three months on the job. Or as someone working that long in the Trump Administration is called, a grizzled veteran.

The U.S. Military now have permission to shoot down consumer drones that they consider a threat. Which means when Domino’s starts using drones to deliver pizza, make sure the flight path is not over a nearby military base.

A study says pilotless planes could save airlines billions of dollars, but passengers don’t want to fly in them yet. They still like the idea of flying Southwest and being asked into the cockpit for drinking games with the flight crew during happy hour.

A study says humans like mistake-prone robots better than perfect performers. Especially when it comes to the robots that are being programmed to take over their current job.

A study says humans like mistake-prone robots better than perfect performers. That statement also holds true for the people they like to elect to the White House and Congress.

Kyra Sedgwick recently found out that husband Kevin Bacon is a distant cousin. Which means she is now absolutely unbeatable in any challenges at being closer than Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Kyra Sedgwick recently found out that husband Kevin Bacon is a distant cousin. Which has had no effect on their lives, other than their decision to pack up and move to Alabama.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of bringing you the finest in topical humor. Which rests on your definition of “topical” and “humor.” But the important part here is that the jokes make me laugh and that is what really counts. Although I have to admit it is tough to beat the feeling I get when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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