Sunday, August 06, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says AT&T may sell CNN and TMZ. The process could run the legal gamut from A to Z.

A report says AT&T may sell CNN and TMZ. The transaction may require not so many lawyers as people who are experts with the alphabet.

Apple is planning a version of smartwatch that can connect directly to cellular networks and be less reliant on the iPhone. Now if they could just make it so people could also be less reliant on their iPhones and put them down once in awhile.

A study says people become addicted to Facebook because it makes them feel good. Isn’t that pretty much why people become addicted to anything?

A report says the U.S. is running out of bomb sniffing dogs. Which is a real crisis as it comes right at a time when the movie “Baywatch” is still in theaters.

Buses in California are being used to make regular trips to take seniors to medicinal pot dispensaries. There hasn’t been that much weed on a bus since the last cross country Willie Nelson tour.

The White House says it may use a lie detector to find who leaked transcripts of embarrassing calls between Donald Trump and leaders of Mexico and Australia. The question is why is that a concern when Trump releases dozens of embarrassing tweets himself every day?

A 13 year old Connecticut boy woke up to find a live skunk in his bed. To which thousands of women are saying if they could only count the number of times that happened to them.

A study says women who watch porn are less satisfied sexually. Especially when they see the movies they are watching actually last longer than three minutes.

A study says women who watch porn are less satisfied sexually. Especially when their husbands don’t even have the stamina to stay awake through the entire film.

Baltimore is calling for a “nobody kill anybody” weekend. Apparently after which on Monday they will go back to the usual “go ahead and shoot each other” workweek.

French President Macron is set to take on reforming the country’s labor code. Although he will leave the core of the measure which says bathing is an option and declares no maximum can be set for how much wine can be consumed at lunch.

Scientists say extreme weather from climate change could kill up to 152,000 people a year in Europe by 2100. Which is fewer than the number of people in Ireland who kill themselves every year because they can’t take another day of rain.

Scientists say extreme weather from climate change could kill up to 152,000 people a year in Europe by 2100. Mostly people in Scotland who will die from skin cancer after global warming may actually subject them to some sunshine.

An Obama era retirement savings program for workers has gotten the ax. Which makes no difference for all the people since 2007 who finally managed to save some money and then they were given the ax.

A new Samsung TV comes framed to hang on the wall with abstract images when turned off to look like art. Which is ironic as that people will soon realize that is a lot better than anything they can look at on cable.

A new Samsung TV comes framed to hang on the wall with abstract images when turned off to look like art. Which is the very definition of putting lipstick on a pig.

The U.S. Military is turning to Silicon Valley for ways to protect troops from enemy drones. Although if anyone wants to experience a deadly drone, try listening to a presentation by a group of Silicon Valley venture capitalists.

The U.S. Military is turning to Silicon Valley for ways to protect troops from enemy drones. Which is ironic they are looking for help to save soldiers from a group that would collectively all be labeled 4-F.

Ford and federal regulators are investigating exhaust odors in police Ford Explorers. Apparently people became concerned when the vehicles suddenly lost their usual odor of freshly baked donuts.

Boeing has won a contract to build two 747s that will be used as the future Air Force One. They will need two planes as Donald Trump will use one to take him to his destination, with the other being used to take the press corps somewhere else.

Dunkin’ Donuts will experiment with a name change to just “Dunkin’.” Which makes about as much sense as Taco Bell, Burger King and Pizza Hut changing their names to Bell, King and Hut.

Elon Musk says governments should study Artificial Intelligence. Although intelligence is not the strong point of a government that has given us the IRS, Department of Justice and the Post Office.

Martin Shkreli has been found guilty of securities fraud. After his conviction, he claimed the guilty verdict vindicated him. Which means he could be granted clemency his new job as the next White House Press Secretary.

Martin Shkreli has been found guilty of securities fraud, but brags he will see no jail time. Although he says his prison name would be “Big Rolls.” What a surprise when his cellmates instead start calling him “Sweet Cheeks,” “Sugar” and “Hot Stuff.”

Ted Stanley, who invented a lollipop laced with opioids has died at age 77. Although the invention was intended for cancer patients, most of the product ended up being stocked up at the Neverland Ranch by Michael Jackson.

West Virginia Governor Jim Justice has changed his party from Democrat to Republican. After the way the state supported Donald Trump in 2016, it’s going to keep the other two Democrats in the state from doing the same thing.

Rhode Island is offering access to treatment for opioid addiction to all prison inmates. The only problem is deciding if prisoners became addicted to deal with being sent to prison or to deal with living in Rhode Island.

“So You Think You Can Dance” winner Joshua Allen has been sentenced to a year in jail on domestic violence charges. Although he will find out the real definition of violence when all the other prisoners find out he is a dancer.

A sequel to “The Karate Kid” starring Ralph Macchio is set for YouTube. Apparently he will now be the “Karate Middle Aged Unemployed Man” who finds he now needs his black belt just to hold up his size 52 waist Dockers.

Mark Cuban says Colin Kaepernick’s protests would not keep him off the NBA rosters. Although he could be more subject to injury in basketball as he would be having to take a knee for the National Anthem 82 times a season instead of just 16.

Steph Curry shot a pair of 74s in the Web.com Ellie Mae Classic. The only problem for a basketball player trying golf is that in golf it’s a bad thing to have a triple double.

Ryan Lochte says he has “lived and learned and moved on” from his incident with police in Rio. The good thing is that even though he lost several endorsements, he has been able to make a living off residuals from the Brazil edition of “Cops.”

Bartolo Colon has become the oldest AL pitcher to throw a complete game since 1992. Which Colon looks back as a great time when he was first entering middle age.

Bartolo Colon has become the oldest AL pitcher to throw a complete game since 1992. Colon was pleased he allowed only four runs, nine hits and had to leave the mound just three times in the middle of an inning to pee.

A study says men speak in films twice as much as women. Which shows that sometimes art does not actually imitate life.

A study says men speak in films twice as much as women. Mostly because most movies revolve around the men using their dialogue to get the women to take their clothes off.

“Despacito” has become the most viewed video ever on YouTube in just seven months. Which was discouraging news after all the years it took to get to the top by the previous list topping cat playing a piano and hamster eating a cracker.

A new storm on Neptune was spotted near the planet’s equator. Which was uncomfortable as that location is just south of Uranus. (It’s old, it’s tired, it’s immature. But always funny!)

A glitch on a free childcare website is being probed in the UK. Which is ironic that an iPad app for childcare is causing problems when most people find the best childcare is just giving their kids the iPad.

The UAW is accusing Nissan of “scare tactics” as workers rejected a union bid at a Mississippi plant. It was the scariest threat issued by Nissan since they reconsidered going back to installing their cars with Takata airbags.

The UAW is accusing Nissan of “scare tactics” as workers rejected a union bid at a Mississippi plant. Apparently Nissan knew they could get the workers to agree to anything once they committed to actually having to live in Mississippi.

Donald Trump is settling in for a 17 day vacation at his New Jersey club. The bad part is by the time he returns his administration could already have gone through three more Communications Directors.

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny says there is a “50-50 chance” he will be killed by Vladimir Putin. Which just went up to 100% now that Putin thinks he is being called soft.

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny says there is a “50-50 chance” he will be killed by Vladimir Putin. Which is exactly the same odds being posted by Las Vegas for the first woman who dates O.J. Simpson after his parole.

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny says there is a “50-50 chance” he will be killed by Vladimir Putin. To which most bookmakers in Las Vegas are saying “We’ll give you 90-10 and still make money!”

A report says Stephen Miller is being considered as the next White House Communications Director. Apparently that means Donald Trump got rid of Sean Spicer and Anthony Scaramucci because they were just too nice.

A Donald Trump staffer tweeted photos of the latest White House renovations. Which means workers are going to be under a lot of pressure with only 17 days before Trump returns to fix up the “dump” he is being forced to live in.

An Iowa town of 70 people had no voter turnout for a special election. Although Donald Trump is poised to say “I told you so!” when the measure passes because of the three million illegal votes that somehow ended up being cast.

Jeff Sessions has tripled the number of White House leak probes. There haven’t been this many investigations into leaks since the dossier about Donald Trump and the Russian prostitutes.

Mike Pence has handed over his AOL e-mails from his personal account during his time as Indiana Governor. Which would be a lot less embarrassing to have used an AOL account if his term started in 1992 instead of 2013.

Mike Pence has handed over his AOL e-mails from his personal account during his time as Indiana Governor. Indiana residents were surprised at the news. When did Indiana get e-mail?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is taking a 17 day vacation. Apparently he needs to get away from all those weekends to Mar-a-Lago and just stay in one place for a while. Fortunately it will be a working vacation so there will still be plenty of material for my blog. The day he leaves the White House for good will be the start of the biggest plague of comedy writers’ block in history. Although you don’t ever have to suffer from writer’s block if you just remember to get over it all you have to do is always keep on sending the love!



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