Friday, August 04, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump is taking his first vacation since his Inauguration, going to his resort in New Jersey. How bad are things at the White House that he feels it will be more relaxing to be in New Jersey?

Donald Trump is taking his first vacation since his Inauguration, going to his resort in New Jersey. Apparently he feels he needs a break from just taking every weekend off to travel to his private resort in Florida.

Donald Trump is denying calling the White House a “dump.” Apparently unlike his penthouse in New York and all his resort locations, there isn’t an official throne where he can hold court.

Donald Trump is denying calling the White House a “dump.” Apparently he is upset that the groundskeepers still haven’t gotten rid of Michelle Obama’s garden and all its kale plants.

A report says that Apple owns $52.6 Billion in U.S. Bonds, more than several major countries. Apparently things are going so well there that they needed to come up with a $52.6 Billion tax write-off.

The Grammys are trying to enter the China market by agreeing to promote only artists with a positive and healthy image. Which they will do just as soon as they can actually find one.

The Grammys are trying to enter the China market by agreeing to promote only artists with a positive and healthy image. Which means next year’s battle for Record of the Year could be between Raffi, the Wiggles and Barney.

The Grammys are trying to enter the China market by agreeing to promote only artists with a positive and healthy image. Which means Chinese kids will never even have a clue there was ever such a thing as rap.

China is holding a drill to shut down “harmful” websites. Which could be bad news for Internet users there who fear it could include all five they can currently access.

A study says pet dogs and cats are adding to the cause of global warming. Especially the dogs whose owners always give in when their pet wants to go for a ride.

A study says pet dogs and cats are adding to the cause of global warming. In fact, the planet has already gotten so much warmer than the 1960s that the group is changing its name to just Two Dog Night.

Denver is considering an ordinance to protect immigrants from federal agents. So while the city has always been a melting pot, or more accurately a Denver Omelet.

A report says half the candidates for Detroit Mayor are convicted felons. Which is nice to see some politicians who want to get that out of the way before they get into office.

A report says vending machines may soon feature clothes, meat and Champagne. Which is great for bachelors who have some extra coins and have run out of ideas for date night.

A Pennsylvania bridal shop that refused service to lesbians says they are getting threats. Which turns out to be a dumb move anyway as they are now turning down couples who would double their business.

A cannabis grower has bought an entire California town to build a pot friendly outpost. Don’t they already have that? It’s called San Francisco.

A report says the U.S. faces a shortage of up to 90,000 doctors. The good news is who needs doctors anyway when it has become so easy to just buy opioids?

The President of Ecuador has stripped the Vice President of power following allegations of bribes. Mike Pence was shocked. “Their Vice President has power?”

A group of atheists says they are “appalled” the White House is holding weekly Bible study groups. Not because of any religious feelings, they just think instead they should be holding weekly study groups on the Constitution.

A North Korean missile reportedly missed an Air France passenger jet by 62 miles. Which brings up the question, which was more lost, the missile or an Air France jet that was within 62 miles of North Korea?

Maine is raising the legal age to buy cigarettes to 21. Although if they really want to stop smoking in Maine they could eliminate it for at least nine months out of the year by only making it legal to light up outside.

Maine is raising the legal age to buy cigarettes to 21. Which is strange to be so concerned about the health of people’s lungs in a state where just stepping outside in January brings a 90% chance of catching pneumonia.

Denmark’s Prince Henrik says he won’t be buried next to his wife because he is upset about never being named King Consort. How passive-aggressive is it when you postpone a confrontation until after you are dead?

Denmark’s Prince Henrik says he won’t be buried next to his wife, being upset about never being named King Consort. To which 96 year old British Prince Philip agreed, saying “Can you believe how rough we have had it all these years?”

Denmark’s Prince Henrik says he won’t be buried next to his wife because he is upset about never being named King Consort. There hasn’t been this much unhappiness in Denmark’s ruling family since Hamlet.

Al Gore says the White House is rife with dysfunction. And this coming from someone who shared the place with Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinski.

A report says euthanasia is becoming common in the Netherlands, accounting for 4.5 percent of all deaths. The other 95.5% end up dying from infections after getting splinters while wearing wooden shoes all day.

There is new speculation that Mark Zuckerberg has some future political aspirations. Which would be easier to believe if he only had some sort of social media network he could exploit to reach potential voters.

Halo Top ice cream claims its product is healthy. How bad has it gotten when a dessert maker is able to make a better case for nutritional value than the companies making the main courses?

A survey says Chicago is tied with Orlando as the top choices for convention sites. Because it’s hard to believe business people would rather take their families along to enjoy a Disney water park in January over a polar bear dip in Lake Michigan.

Donald Trump is promoting technology as a way to improve veterans’ health care. Although a much better way to ensure the health and well being of our troops would be to instead promote diplomacy.

A report says banks are avoiding the legal pot business. Mostly from legal issues with the feds, problems handing large amounts of cash and waiting six months for pothead business owners to get around to deposit enough to cover their checks.

A study says doctors who “fat shame” their patients do more harm than good. Sort of like a beautician who takes money for a makeover and then tells their client they are hopelessly ugly.

A study says that yoga can cause pain and injuries if not done right. Which could pretty much also be true of just about anything.

A study says millions of Americans live 30 miles or farther from the nearest hospital which could jeopardize their lives. On the other hand, resisting the urge to drive that far to get treatment for every ache and pain ends up saving them a fortune.

Tom Brady’s “TB12 Method” on staying in shape will be released in September. Apparently the best way to stay in shape is to marry a supermodel wife and be scared to death she will leave the minute you gain more than three pounds.

“American Idol” producers are defending Katy Perry’s $25 Million judging salary. Mostly because it is being offset with Ryan Seacrest’s hosting duties pay scale of $7.35 an hour.

“American Idol” producers are defending Katy Perry’s $25 Million judging salary. Mostly because when it comes to being a judge on a TV show Perry is still making only about half what they are paying Judge Judy.

“Real Housewives of New York” star Luann D’Agostino has split from her husband after seven months. Apparently she was offended when he had the gall to expect her to act like some kind of housewife.

Chrissy Teigen revealed in an interview how she and husband John Legend manage to have time alone even with a 16 month old baby. It may have something to do with being rich enough to pay for nannies while they fly off stay at an exclusive resort.

Suge Knight is being accused of threatening the director of the film “Straight Outta Compton.” Knight’s defense is he obviously didn’t mean it because the guy is still alive.

Oprah Winfrey says “I can’t accept myself” being over 200 pounds. Fortunately it’s better than when she was on TV and had to draw the line at 190 pounds because the camera added that final ten.

Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins says teams are “cowards” for not signing Colin Kaepernick. The question is, when it comes to bravery which team in the NFL is daring enough to try to sign Johnny Manziel?

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says marijuana is a “medical issue” that needs further research. As opposed to concussions and CTE which are apparently more of just a fussy nuisance.

Stephen Curry shot a 74 in the first round of the Ellie Mae Classic on the Web.com Tour. Most golfers can relate to Curry on the golf course as when they are more than 25 feet out they are thinking three.

Aaron Rogers says he wants to play football into his 40s. Which gets tougher each year, especially taking the field in Green Bay when the temperature is in the 20s.

Ryan Lochte is set to return to competitive swimming at the U.S. Open swim meet. The question is will he be able to lose on a close finish and not claim he was robbed.

A study says more Americans are taking prescription drugs than ever. Mostly the ones who want to get them all in before the Republican Congress takes away their healthcare plan.

Machine learning technology is being used to help Google weed out terror content on YouTube. Apparently it is working as the machines started out trying to take off every Justin Bieber video they could find.

The American Astronomical Society has issued guidelines for people to check if the glasses they plan to use to watch the upcoming solar eclipse are safe. One hint is if you use them to look at the Sun and end up blind, they are possibly defective.

A report says YouTube gets 4.1 Million views every minute. Mostly from people searching for the three videos on the site that are actually worth watching.

Scientists say chimpanzees may suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease. Which is not bad news for Bubbles who is still trying to forget what he saw all those years with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch.

A survey says e-mail sis the most common Internet activity in Britain. Which they find more efficient than dialing friends on their rotary phones while listening to their record player and watching their black and white TV.

A survey says e-mail sis the most common Internet activity in Britain. Which was also true in the U.S. until 1994 and the invention of online porn.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump was in my state of West Virginia yesterday. What better place to head to than a mostly rural state to get away from what is going on in Washington, D.C.? Then he heads to New Jersey for vacation. The question is, will he ever think it’s worth it to come back to the White House? It made sense for him to come to West Virginia as for some reason the people still here like him. Plus it’s pretty and we have some good food. What else could anyone ask for? All I ever need to keep me going is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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