Thursday, August 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump unveiled a new legal immigration bill that calls for only allowing people who have job skills and speak English. Although look what has happened to everyone with those attributes who took jobs at the White House.

Donald Trump is reportedly considering Rick Perry to lead the Department of Homeland Security. Although when Perry told he may be picked to protect the homeland, he said he has already served as Governor of Texas.

Philippines President Duterte called North Korea’s Kim Jong-un a “maniac playing with dangerous toys.” As opposed to Duterte who limits his own abuse of power at putting his country under martial law.

Scientists have reportedly been able to revive cryogenically frozen life. Which means soon we could have a new Disney documentary film featuring Ted Williams.

Former FBI Director James Comey has inked a book deal. When Donald Trump said he would create jobs, no one knew he meant mostly in the publishing industry.

NASA is looking for someone to protect the Earth from alien contamination. To which Donald Trump is saying it’s about time a government agency has come on board to help with his ideas.

A 77 year old Florida man was arrested after sousing his 72 year old girlfriend with sex lube during an argument. Apparently he decided he might as well use it for something.

The Swiss have opened a new footbridge near the Matterhorn. The idea of taking hours to wait in long lines to see the Matterhorn was made to give locals the same experience without having to travel all the way to Disneyland.

Chris Christie praised a New Jersey family that is using their $430 Powerball winnings to run a charity. Although it is considered charity enough by most people to win $430 Million in the lottery and stay in New Jersey.

The Dow Jones made it over the 22,000 mark for the first time ever. Which is great news for the 25 billionaires who actually have enough money sitting around to invest in the stock market.

The Boy Scouts are denying that leaders called Donald Trump to congratulate him on his recent speech at the Jamboree. It turns out the only event full of tents where Trump was welcomed that enthusiastically was the circus.

A voting machine firm says Venezuela’s election was rigged “without a doubt” with at least 1 Million fraudulent votes. To which Donald Trump is saying if only the U.S. had such a reliable system.

The White House is acknowledging Donald Trump drafted a statement for his son, Donald Trump, Jr. “as any father would.” Which most dads would do, at least when their kids are 6 years old and not 39 and meeting with a bunch of Russians.

Trump adviser Stephen Miller lashed out at a reporter saying he had a “cosmopolitan bias.” Which apparently means he feels the reporter should also be reading Elle, Glamour and Vogue.

Facebook says it has increased the number of its black and Hispanic workforce by 1% each. Which means Facebook is now up to 1% black and 1% Hispanic workers.

Costco founder Jeff Brotman reportedly died unexpectedly at age 74. Although at age 74, how unexpected could that really have been?

Costco founder Jeff Brotman reportedly died unexpectedly at age 74. The only problem for the family is what to do with the other five caskets in the bulk packaging that he just bought through the store.

275,000 iPhone cases with glitter suspended in liquid are being recalled after causing chemical burns and skin irritation. As opposed to the usual irritation associated with iPhones of seeing users stand around taking selfies all day.

Long lines formed around the country at Amazon warehouses as part of the retailer’s first national “Jobs Day.” The lines showed that apparently there weren’t any current openings at 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart or McDonald’s.

The CEO of Ferrari says the company is looking at building an SUV. It would be the perfect vehicle for their typical customer of an older man going through a mid-life crisis who is married to a young soccer mom.

Two Million free eclipse eyeglasses will be given out by public libraries for the August 21st event. Now all library patrons want are glasses that keep them from having to look at the perverts, homeless and addicts that hang out there.

Foxconn won’t confirm what Donald Trump said about the company CEO telling him “off the record” they would invest $30 Billion in the U.S. Apparently Trump should get the definition of “off the record” from someone other than Anthony Scaramucci.

A former chef for Queen Elizabeth II says she has four drinks every day, making her a binge drinker. Although with a 68 year old unemployed son and two great grandchildren needing babysitting, it’s no wonder she tosses back a few every night.

A former chef for Queen Elizabeth II says she has four drinks every day, making her a binge drinker. At 91 years old, sometimes you just need to have a couple of drinks to unwind from a long day of doing absolutely nothing.

A former chef for Queen Elizabeth II says she has four drinks every day, making her a binge drinker. At least when she uses her Life Alert to say she’s fallen and can’t get up, they know it’s probably not a medical emergency.

A former chef for Queen Elizabeth II says she has four drinks every day, making her a binge drinker. Which means she gives a whole new meaning to having a Royal hangover.

A study says two thirds of surgery patients have prescription opioids left over after they recover. Which they then sell as that’s the only way they will ever be able to pay off their medical bills.

A study says talking to yourself in third person may be healthy. Mostly because there is no one else to actually talk with as their attention can’t be diverted from their iPhone screen for more than three seconds.

A study says talking to yourself in third person may be healthy. At least until you start to have a running conversation with the first and second.

A study says spanking kids as infants changes their behavior as teens. Of course, doing anything should change that because it would be weird if a teen still behaved like an infant.

A study says spanking kids as infants changes their behavior as teens, including making them depressed, withdrawn and distant. In other words, they could end up acting like a teenager.

A 93 year old pain management doctor in Las Vegas has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for writing illegal prescriptions for opioids. The sad part is he gave people opioids to keep them off the Las Vegas cocaine, heroin, meth and Ecstasy.

A 93 year old pain management doctor in Las Vegas has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for illegal opioids prescriptions. The fear is he could get in with a bad crowd and when he is released join a gang that hotwires and steals Rascal Scooters.

Statistics show that older workers are dying on the job at higher rates than others. Possibly because they are older.

Statistics show that older workers are dying on the job at higher rates than others. Which is sad for the ones who die at the office when they are 94 and are just three more years away from finally being able to afford to retire.

ABC says the ninth season of “The Middle” will be its last. Which means halfway through season five was actually the middle.

 ABC says the ninth season of “The Middle” will be its last. Unfortunately, its ratings were more like “The Bottom.”

IMAX says it will be releasing fewer 3D films as viewers are not as interested. Mostly because we have gotten so fat that most people are afraid of seeing how they even look in 2D.

“Real Housewives of Atlanta” star Kim Zolciak has two children in the same hospital recovery room following their tonsillectomies. It was mostly just practice so they will know what to expect when they eventually get all their plastic surgery done.

A reboot of the 80s show “Dynasty” will address politics, culture and climate change. Not to say the show is old, but since it went off the air global warming already is being blamed for the extinction of three species of dinosaurs.

A reboot of the TV show “Dynasty” will address politics, culture and climate change. Which shows how streaming has taken away all the young viewers leaving networks looking for viewers left over from the 1980s.

Donald Trump is launching a “real news” video series on Facebook to combat the mainstream media. It will be interesting to see what kind of news is produced by an administration that can’t even keep a communications director more than 10 days.

A report says Donald Trump was slated to star in the third installment of the “Sharknado” movie series. Mostly because who better to handle monster predators  than the person who gave us Mick Mulvaney, Sean Spicer and Anthony Scaramucci?

Kanye West is suing insurers for $10 Million to cover his canceled tour. Fortunately for West he made sure the policy was written to cover natural disasters.

Kanye West is suing insurers for $10 Million to cover his canceled tour. The problem is that West won’t be able to bring himself to fight the insurance companies if they refuse his claim calling it an act of God.

Oklahoma has dismissed four star freshman quarterback Chris Robison for violating team rules. He was arrested for public intoxication back in April which had given the school hope that he had the potential to become the next Johnny Manziel.

Lakers owner Jeanie Buss is setting up her own horse racing stable. Which is bad news for the Lakers who have seen what happens to thoroughbreds that have as bad of a stretch as they have had the past four years.

Dodger pitcher Yu Darvish says he doesn’t want to be taken as the arrogant player who does “whatever you want to do and you’re a bad teammate.” Fortunately for him, that job has already been taken by Yasiel Puig.

Alex Rodriguez says the secret of success and happiness is to “stop being a jerk.” Apparently it is a process that takes at least 23 years to master.

Alex Rodriguez says the secret of success and happiness is to “stop being a jerk.” To which his former teammates, the media and fans are all saying “We’re waiting…”

After briefly making it to the top of the World’s Richest list last week, Jeff Bezos has dropped back to third place. At this rate, in another six months he will be poor enough to actually have to start buying his own cheap crap on Amazon.

A survey says young Instagrammars use the app 32 minutes a day. They spend the other 23 hours and 28 minutes trying to take the perfect selfie they can post.

Scientists say with the Moon moving farther away, the last solar eclipse visible on Earth will be in 600 Million years. That means that people should start consider making their hotel reservations for the event right now.

There were no reports of major incidents as driverless bus service was launched in Estonia. Which is no surprise since the last major incident taking place in Estonia happened in 1223.

Chris Christie says he should be given credit as at least he didn’t dump his nachos on a ballgame heckler. Although Christie looks like someone who wouldn’t dump his nachos if the cheese could be used to neutralize the fuse on a nuclear device.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Donald Trump is in my state today, for the second time in ten days. What did I do to deserve this? Just a note, that time frame is coincidentally also the career span of the average White House Communications Director. At least the White House has the courtesy to come out here and deliver the joke material in person. That is very considerate of them. That will save me time in order to get the jokes to you. That will also give me a break so that I can fully appreciate when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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